Blake Byron: Paranormal Investigator

by Andrew Beymer

  “Y’know it’s a hell of a thing Ricky,” I said. “You’d think people would know not to fuck with me, that word would get out after what I did to your bouncers, but I’ve been fucked with two nights in a row now.”

  Ricky licked his lips. Yeah, he was really fucking nervous. Really fucking nervous and he didn’t like this conversation at all. His eyes darted to the bouncers but he had to know there was no help there. I’d proved that point definitively the first time we met.

  “Is that so?” Ricky asked. “Does that have anything to do with your ridiculous getup tonight? Is that a fucking squirt gun?”

  I pulled the high powered squirt gun out and placed it on the counter. Ran a finger along it caressing its plastic length as though it was a real gun. For the people I was hunting tonight it might as well be a real gun. It was probably more damaging than a real gun if the stories were true.

  I’d learned the hard way that not all stories were true, but the intel Anderson and Hooks gave me seemed to think this would work. Maybe.

  “Sure is,” I said. “A real beaut too, don’t you think? They don’t make them like they did when we were kids, y’know?”

  Ricky looked like he was a good couple of decades older than yours truly, decades of hard living no less, but I figured a little flattery couldn’t hurt.

  Ricky let out a nervous laugh. “Yeah. I remember facing down my sister with shit like that.”

  I laughed, looking off in the distance. “Yeah. My little brother begged for the big one that had a backpack on it. Thought he was going to get all of us with it. Turns out the backpack was so heavy he could barely move and he was drenched by everyone else moving fast with their little guns. Hell of a lesson to learn, but he knew not to fuck with me either.”

  “Is there a point to all this or have you finally gone off your rocker?” Ricky asked, trying to sound tough. I knew he was trying to sound tough because the barest hint of an Italian accent came to his voice as he said it.

  Ricky was far from the old country. Ricky was far from Italian. Didn’t stop him from trying to do his best Pacino when he was trying to threaten people.

  It didn’t impress me.

  “See that’s the problem. I already mentioned that I’ve been fucked with, right?” I asked. “Turns out I’ve been fucked with by the kind of people who might not like being hit in the face with some high pressure holy water from a kid’s toy.”

  “Is that so,” Ricky said. “What kind of person doesn’t like getting hit in the face with holy water?”

  “I think we both know what kind of person we’re talking about Ricky.”

  I held Ricky’s gaze. I almost thought the jerk might do what was best and give up now, but of course that wasn’t going to happen. Instead he tried to shove away from the bar and ended up falling backwards on his ass instead.

  I was up in an instant. I pulled the bat with its sharpened tip out and held it up to the bouncer who moved as though he was going to help Ricky up.

  “You saw what I did to you with just my fists. Do you really want to know what I’m going to do to you with this?” I asked.

  The bouncer looked at me for a long appraising moment. A moment where I thought he actually might be stupid enough to go for it. Then he turned and ran into the crowd.

  I grinned. They were all the fucking same. All bark. No bite. I moved down and picked Ricky up. Slammed him against the wall next to the bar so hard that it rattled some of his quality top shelf liquor off and it went crashing to the floor.

  Not that it was much of an issue. I knew for a fact that Ricky was a fan of taking stuff from the bottom shelf and putting it in top shelf bottles. Somehow excise still hadn’t figured that out, and me keeping my mouth shut was one of the things that kept Ricky in a talking mood on the rare occasion I needed something.

  “You really think I’m going to let you get away that easily?” I asked, shoving the pointy end of the bat up against Ricky’s neck but not pressing hard enough to hurt the guy.

  He let out a little squeak that might’ve been acknowledgement. I’d take it as acknowledgement. I figured it was as close as I was going to get.

  “I’m here for information Ricky. The business end of this thing is meant for other people. Don’t make me use it on you, because after watching my wife get killed and my little girl kidnapped I swear to any higher power listening that I will kill you with a clean conscience.”

  Ricky looked down at the bat and then up to me. He swallowed a couple of times and his eyes went wide as he seemed to realize just how much shit he was in.

  “Come on Blake,” he said. “Obviously you’re having some trouble if you think vampires are after you.”

  I grinned and pressed just a little harder with the bat. “I never said vampires. You did.”

  I spun around with the bat and it landed right in the stomach of a bouncer who’d come up behind me flanked by the one who ran away. I shook my head and smiled. I didn’t want to hurt these guys, but I also needed a little practice and they were trying to keep me from my goal.

  I kicked the other one into the crowd which sent people scrambling and screaming. The screaming got even louder when they realized there was a mad man with a spiked Louisville Slugger fighting the bouncers.

  I slammed the bat in between the remaining bouncer’s legs. Then I walked over to the other who was trying to untangle himself from a bunch of college kids. Another swift kick to that guy’s balls was enough to keep him down on the ground where he belonged.

  I caught movement out of the corner of my eye and turned in time to see Ricky trying to beat a retreat through an emergency exit behind the bar. I ran after him and tackled him at the last moment, slamming him into the door and sending both of us flying into a back alley.

  The screaming cut off as the door slammed shut. I picked Ricky up by his shirt and pressed him none too gently against the damp brick wall.

  “Come on Ricky,” I said, the grin never leaving my face. “You just proved you have some undead underworld connections, and that means you have information I need. I don’t want to kill you, but…”

  I shrugged fatalistically.

  “That’s the thing about fucking with a father. Especially if the father is me. I don’t particularly give a fuck who I have to kill to get my little girl back, and you know I’m very good at my job.”

  Ricky swallowed. His eyes darted to the entrance to the alley, but there was no help coming from that direction. There was also nobody trying to make their escape out the emergency exit. They were probably too terrified of the hulking asshole armed to the teeth who’d gone out there with the proprietor.

  “You don’t understand,” Ricky said. “They’ll do worse than kill me if they find out I ratted them out. They run this town!”

  “See that’s where you don’t have much of a choice,” I said. “I did some nasty stuff while I was working for Uncle Sam, and I have a really fucking good idea of how to break people without killing them. So I figure you have a choice between me certainly torturing you and maybe killing you if I’m feeling nice, or maybe getting assaulted by the bloodsuckers later. Which one do you want it to be?”

  Ricky squeezed his eyes shut. I heard a noise that sounded a lot like rain falling, but there was no rain tonight even though the brick was damp out here. I looked down and snorted.

  The rain was none other than Ricky pissing himself and the piss dribbling down to the dirty alley ground. It really added to the filth and grime.

  I looked up at him and shook my head. “Come on Ricky. I thought we were better than that.”

  “Fuck you Byron,” he spat.

  “Now is that any way to talk to a guy who’s armed to the teeth and fully prepared to hurt you badly?” I asked. My grin only grew wider as I moved the bat closer to Ricky’s face. Ricky looked down and groaned.

  “Fine! I’ll talk!” he said.

  “Good,” I said. “I might be out here on business tonight, but I really do like you Ricky. I’d hate to hav
e to hurt you. So what do you know about the bloodsuckers?”

  “I don’t know much about their operation,” Ricky said. “I don’t want any more to do with them than I have to, understand?”

  “Probably a good idea,” I said.

  “Right. But I do know they come around every once in awhile asking for kegs,” he said.

  “Every once in awhile?” I asked.

  “Maybe more than every once in awhile. They’re good customers. I don’t ask too many questions,” he said.

  “Of course you wouldn’t,” I said, my voice dangerously quiet.

  Ricky seemed to realize he was moving into dangerous territory by admitting he’d been colluding with the vampires. Even if it was something as small as providing them kegs to get drunk.

  Assuming vampires could get drunk. I mean it only made sense that they could get drunk if they were ordering kegs, right?

  There was just too much I didn’t know about the enemy, and I didn’t like not knowing anything about an enemy damn it. Even something as small as their drinking habits.

  “I don’t suppose you have an address for one of these parties?” I asked.

  Ricky licked his lips. “I might have something like that in the office.”

  “Good,” I said. “I need to pick up my squirt gun anyway.”

  I patted my side. “Don’t think about doing anything stupid while we’re in there. Bullets might not do all that much against the bloodsuckers, but I know how to make it hurt without killing you.”

  Ricky licked his lips again. “Wouldn’t imagine it Blake. We’re buddies, right?”

  “That’s what I thought,” I said.

  24

  House Party

  The place didn’t look too impressive. Just your typical slightly run down house that had been cheap housing for soldiers coming home to start new families after World War II.

  It was all student housing now, and the vampire house didn’t look any different from any of the other houses in this neighborhood. I bet the neighbors would’ve been really surprised to learn they were next door to a bunch of vampires.

  Assuming they weren’t vampires themselves. I really hoped Ricky didn’t double cross me sending me into the vampire subdivision of the student ghetto.

  I shook my head and went around to the trunk of my car. Right about now it would’ve been nice to have a cigar or something. If ever there was a night to fall into old bad habits it was a night like tonight.

  I opened the trunk and didn’t bother to hide what I was doing. Whoever was running the party in the house across the street wasn’t doing a good job of running security.

  There were a few people lounging on a front porch letting people in. I figured they were probably vampires, but there was no way to tell for sure without walking up there and picking a fight.

  I looked down at all the toys I’d managed to put together in the short time I had. My gun, of course, and the baseball bat I’d turned into a stake at one end.

  Next up was my trusty squirt gun and a couple of backup reservoirs. I’d considered filling some water balloons and having the padre bless those as well, but discarded that idea as impractical. The balloons tended to break easily, I had to go through a few pairs of wet pants figuring that out, and I figured I’d just end up soaking myself the moment I got into a real fight.

  Because of the holy water splashing against me. Not because I’d pull a Ricky when the shit hit the fan.

  I put the bat behind my back and slid it into an impromptu holster I’d put back there making it look for all the world like an old claymore strapped to my back. On the front of that strap I went with another detail I’d left out at the bar because I figured it would’ve made me look crazy rather than intimidating.

  I figured stakes on a bandolier would be more than enough to intimidate a few vampires. The assholes.

  Finally I pulled out something that was another experimental bit of my kit. More experimental than the holy water which I still wasn’t entirely sure would work on vampires.

  What if vampirism was a medical thing instead of an unholy curse? Then I’d be standing there looking at a pissed off soaked vampire.

  I didn’t know if the toy in my hands was crazy or genius. I figured it all depended on whether or not it worked. It was an old metal halide fixture from my fish tank before I switched over to LED lighting, and I’d connected the wiring to a small car battery via an inverter I’d picked up down at the auto parts store.

  I strapped that to my side and hoped it was worth all the extra weight. Only one way to find out.

  I looked at everything and did a couple of quick moves. Everything worked just fine and it didn’t impede my movement.

  I grinned. I might look ridiculous, but I was ridiculously over prepared and that meant I was going to turn some vampires into dust damn it.

  I absentmindedly pumped at the action on my squirt gun as I walked up to the house. The motion reminded me of the squirt gun fights I’d gotten into in my suburban neighborhood growing up. Back when I was playing at war rather than doing the real thing.

  Music pumped from the house. Someone had painted over the basement windows with black spray paint. My eyes narrowed. That was damn suspicious.

  Like someone didn’t want anyone to know what was going on down there. That or they didn’t want the sun getting into the basement while they slept off a long night of sucking. Either way I figured it was a surefire sign Ricky hadn’t been yanking my chain in the name of getting me out of his bar.

  I stood waiting while the assholes chatted about the same bullshit I’d expect most students to talk about. They didn’t acknowledge me, and I frowned. I wasn’t used to this. Normally they’d go running when I came up, or at the very least they’d try to stall and keep me from going inside.

  Then again I was always in my uniform when that happened. Maybe these guys thought I was some weirdo. I finally cleared my throat and one of the guys hit me with an irritated glance before going back to talking to a pretty blonde girl who was hanging on his every word.

  I figured she wouldn’t be hanging on his every word if she knew what he really was. Or maybe she was one of them. I could think of worse things than being functionally immortal with a banging college girl body like that. Forever walking the earth cursed to wear tight sweats or yoga pants or whatever the hell else came into fashion across the centuries.

  Still no response. I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Excuse me?”

  “What the fuck do you want gramps?” the guy growled.

  Everyone went silent and turned to look at me. It was an intense look. As though they were poised to strike.

  Yeah, I was in the right place. These assholes were here to keep people out, and they were doing a piss poor job of it. It was too bad for them they weren’t going to realize that until it was too fucking late.

  “I want to party,” I said, hefting my squirt gun.

  The ringleader, that’s how I was thinking of him since he was the one doing all the talking, looked at the squirt gun in my hands and then up to me as though I was crazy.

  “Look old man,” he said. “We’re not looking for any trouble, and believe me you don’t want any trouble here either.”

  “Are you sure?” I asked. “I was looking for some vampires and one of my old asshole friends said this would be the perfect place to find them.”

  The guy’s face flickered just a little. Just long enough that I knew I’d hit a nerve. The asshole did a good job of covering it up, but then again I was used to looking for the smallest tell that would indicate someone was lying.

  It had saved my life a few times overseas, and I figured it might just save me now that I was going up against a less clever enemy back home.

  The others were even more interesting than the one I was facing down. Ringleader threw his head back and laughed, but the others had gone dead still. Even more still than they’d been before. They didn’t think I was crazy, no matter what this guy was trying to project.
/>   “You’re crazy old man,” he said. “Halloween is still a few months away. Go bother someone else until then.”

  “No vampires here?” I asked, smiling a smile that I very much hoped was disarming.

  That’s it asshole. I was just a harmless old man. Old as they reckoned things as college kids, that is. As long as they thought I was harmless it would make it that much easier to kick their ass.

  “None at all,” the guy said, waving a dismissive hand. “Now go off and bother someone else before we call the cops.”

  “See that’s the thing,” I said. “I am a cop. A campus cop, but that’s close enough to the real thing as far as you’re concerned.”

  The guy looked up at me with dawning realization. Everyone else kept staring, frozen to their perches on the porch. That was fine. The longer they stayed frozen the less likely they were to come at me all at once.

  I was all for fighting these pricks, but I wasn’t a fan of a fair fight. Fair fight was a term used by people who didn’t know how to win as far as I was concerned. Or people who wanted to bitch about losing after the fact and blame their loss on anything but themselves.

  Yeah, best to keep them nice and frozen and afraid so they did something stupid right out of the bad guy playbook like come at me one at a time. I wasn’t sure I could take on a group of vampires all at once, no matter how badass my pedigree.

  “I don’t see your uniform old man,” ringleader said, still not quite realizing who I was. Time to let the asshole know exactly who he was dealing with.

  I shrugged. “I’m not in my uniform because the damndest thing happened to me. I killed a vampire two nights ago, and then last night some bastards broke into my house, killed my wife, and kidnapped my little girl.”

  I shook my head as I looked at each of them in turn. “Stealing my little girl was a big mistake. See I might’ve just packed up and left if they left her alone. I’ve killed three of them, after all, and I have her to think of.”

  I shrugged as I pulled my squirt gun up and pointed it at the ringleader.