“Do you want me to drive you?”
Eli shook his head. “No, I’ll walk.”
Geoff nodded slowly but didn’t move. He didn’t know what to do. Finally, Eli stepped forward and hugged him, and then he tilted his head and kissed him gently before slowly turning away and walking out the front door. Geoff heard the dogs outside running to Eli for scratches. After a few minutes, he heard footsteps descend the porch stairs.
Geoff stood there, unmoving, for the longest time. His breathing was measured, like he’d stop if he didn’t force his lungs to suck in the air. Slowly, he turned and forced his feet to lift as he climbed the stairs. At the landing, he saw that the door to Eli’s room was open. Geoff knew that in his mind, it would always be Eli’s room. He went inside.
On the bed were the jeans and shirts that Eli had worn while he was at the farm, along with the pink bathing suit and a note. With shaking hands, Geoff picked up the piece of paper.
My beloved Geoff,
I have nothing else to leave you, so I thought I would leave you this note. As I write this, you are still in bed in the other room, and I can still hear your soft breathing in my ear.
I wanted to take this chance to thank you, for taking me in, giving me a place to live, and most of all, for loving me the way you have. You taught me that I am worthy of being loved, and for that I will be eternally grateful. Wherever I go and whatever I do, I will think of you often. I will always remember you on Kirk, flying across the pasture like you’re chasing the very wind itself, and the way you looked when we made love.
I will never forget you. No matter how long I live or wherever life takes me, you will always be there. I will never be able to ride a horse, see a field of wildflowers, or pass a pasture of grazing cattle without thinking of you and the love we shared.
I will love you always,
Eli
Geoff dropped the paper and it fluttered to the floor when he saw that Eli had scrawled the words “Your Tiger” beneath his name.
Without thinking, Geoff walked to his bedroom and shut the door, leaning against it. Slowly, his knees gave out, and he slid down the door until he was resting on the floor. Covering his face with his hands, his feelings caught up to him, and he sobbed uncontrollably, his shoulders heaving with grief.
Eventually, tears wouldn’t come anymore. Slowly, Geoff got to his feet and stood at the foot of the bed. Suddenly, in a moment of clarity, he realized the answer to the question he’d asked himself the day he’d first moved into this bedroom. He stared at the bed—the bed he and Eli had shared, the same bed his dad and Len had shared—and he knew. He knew what his dad and Len had done on their last night together. He hoped they’d made love one last time, but he knew they’d held each other close, and he knew that when the time came, Len had let his father go, the same way Geoff had let Eli go. He knew they’d talked to one another, told each other how much they loved each other, how much they meant to each other. He knew, too, that in the morning, they’d said good-bye to one another and kissed each other one last time. He could practically see Len getting out of bed and leaving the room, leaving the pills on the nightstand, doing what had to be done regardless of his own pain.
At the time, he’d asked himself how you’d thank someone for twenty years of love. He knew the answer to that too. Even though he’d only had Eli for two months, he knew. The answer was so simple.
You didn’t have to.
“Geoff.” He heard Len’s voice calling from downstairs. Forcing his feet to move, he opened the door and made his way to the kitchen. “Would you tell Eli that breakfast is ready?”
Geoff shook his head, “Eli’s gone.”
“Gone… gone where?”
Geoff forced himself to say the words, hoping he wouldn’t break down again, “He went back to the community. He’s gone.”
“God, Geoff, I’m so sorry.” Len was right there, hugging him close, and Geoff tried not to start crying again, but he just couldn’t help it. The tears came unbidden to his eyes, falling freely down his cheeks.
“Thanks, Len.” He felt the arms slip away, and he sank into a chair, staring at the food in front of him. Slowly, he forced himself to eat something, but he wasn’t hungry in the least. Giving up, he pushed back the chair and walked through the house and back up the stairs, his feet taking him directly to Eli’s room.
Moving slowly but deliberately, he took the clothes stacked neatly on the bed and placed them back in the dresser. Picking up the letter from the floor, he folded it and tucked it into the drawer along with the clothes. Changing his mind, he took it out again. Leaving the room, he closed the door behind him and went to his own room. Opening the small drawer, he took out the envelope that held the letter from his dad and placed Eli’s letter with it.
Ordinary farm noises filtered in through the window, reminding him that life went on regardless of his broken heart. Forcing himself to move, Geoff put the envelope back in the drawer and went downstairs and outside, walking to the barn to start the day’s chores. He got right to work, cleaning the few stalls that needed cleaning and keeping himself busy. It seemed to be working okay until he opened Kirk’s stall and saw the shiny black stallion. Images of Eli flooded his mind, eyes dancing, black hair shining in the morning sun. He closed the stall door and quietly headed back to the house.
Chapter 17
GEOFF WOKE at his usual time and smiled to himself as he started to feel around the bed. Then he realized it was empty, and his smile faded. This had happened every morning for the last week. For those first few seconds, he forgot that Eli was gone. For those first few seconds, he felt happy. The rest of the day was just work. Even things that he used to find fun had turned to drudgery. He still rode every morning but got no joy out of it. He did it because the horses needed exercise, not because he wanted to.
Throwing back the covers, he got his butt out of bed, dressed, and went downstairs to the kitchen. Len was already there, and they talked about the day’s activities while they had their coffee. “Joey asked if we had any work he could do. I think he really needs a summer job.”
“Of course. Hire him on for the summer. We could use the help.” With Eli gone, they were a man short, and they were going to have extra projects once they closed on the purchase of the Winters’ farm.
Len smiled. “I thought you’d feel that way, so he’ll be starting today.”
Geoff shook his head. “Why didn’t you just tell me you hired him? I trust your judgment. You are the foreman, after all.” Geoff finished his coffee. “We should be on the lookout for another full-time hand. I think we’re going to need the help, particularly once we expand the herd.”
“I’ll do that.” Len finished his coffee while Geoff put his mug in the sink and headed to the barn.
For the first time in a week, he walked directly to Kirk’s stall and began brushing and saddling the stallion. “You ready for a ride, boy?” The sable creature certainly seemed to be bouncing in his stall. Once he was done, Geoff led the horse outside and mounted. “Okay boy, let’s go.”
He spurred the horse on, and Kirk took off, running like the wind. They’d done it before, but this morning the speed and the wind began to clear away some of the cobwebs. He’d been fighting moving on, but now he realized he had to.
Kirk reached the other side of the pasture and slowed. Geoff turned him around and spurred him on again. Another race across the pasture did them both good. Then Geoff slowed Kirk to a walk, and they headed to one of the other pastures to check on the herd.
The long ride had done Geoff good, and after unsaddling his mount, he led Kirk into one of the paddocks and then headed inside, greeting Joey along the way. “Morning.”
“Morning, Geoff.” The teenager was smiling excitedly. “Thanks for the job. I promise I’ll do my best.”
“I know you will, Joey. What’s Len got you starting on?”
“He says I need to keep the barn swept, the stalls clean, and the tack organized and ready for use.”
Joey’s smile faded as he concentrated on what he’d be doing. “He also told me to keep track of our hay usage so we can make sure we put enough up for the winter.”
“Excellent. And we’ll probably need your help building fences in a few weeks.” Geoff started toward the house but turned around. “Come to the house for lunch.”
“Mom packed me a lunch.” Joey held up a small brown bag.
“Okay, but you tell your mom that you’re eating with the men from now on.” That got him a huge smile. Joey was a good worker, and Geoff knew he’d pull his weight. Besides, it would be easier on his mom if she didn’t need to worry about buying lunch things.
“I’ll tell her.” Joey waved as he headed in the barn to get to work.
Geoff’s good mood lasted until he walked in the house and heard voices in the living room. What’s she doing here? Walking in, he saw that he had a house full of relatives. His three aunts, Uncle Dan, and his cousins Jill and Chris, along with Len, were all sitting in the living room. “What are you all doing here?” He couldn’t help glaring at his Aunt Janelle.
“We came to share some news.” His Aunt Vicki was glowing, and he shifted his attention to his cousin, zeroing in on her hand. Pete had finally proposed.
“Well, I see congratulations are in order.” Geoff hugged his cousin tightly. “You’re a very lucky lady.”
“Thank you.” Jill was absolutely glowing.
“I have something for you. Just a minute.” Geoff went upstairs to this room and grabbed a bundle from the closet before returning. “I want you to have this as a wedding present.” Geoff heard his Aunt Janelle inhale sharply. “This was your great-grandmother’s. She and her mother made it for her wedding, and since you’re the first one of our generation to marry, I think it should go to you.”
She took the quilt with wide-eyed surprise and gently unfolded it. “Thank you, Geoff.” She then hugged him and sat back down, admiring the gift.
His aunt Mari changed the subject. “Geoff, the real reason we’re here is we’ve been worried about you. Since Eli left, you haven’t been yourself.” He didn’t argue with her, but he had no intention of pretending to be happy either. Janelle humphed softly.
“I’m fine. I’ll get past it eventually, but it’ll take time.” He truly doubted he’d get over it any time soon, but he didn’t want her to feel bad.
“If you ask me, you’re better off without him. Now you can find a nice girl and get married.” Janelle’s sanctimonious tone grated up Geoff’s spine like nails on a blackboard.
His temper flared, and he turned on her, giving her his full attention. “First thing you better get through your thick head is that I’m gay. I will never meet a girl, settle down, and get married. That just isn’t going to happen.”
Geoff’s anger was starting to get the better of him. He’d been holding it in for a week, and it wouldn’t be held in any longer. “And don’t think I don’t know that you’re the one spreading rumors around town.”
“I speak my mind!”
“Spread lies is more like it. Lies that got us attacked a week ago.” Geoff heard gasps but kept going. “Lies that hurt the one person who means more to me than anyone else in this world. Someone so kind and caring that he left because your lies would hurt his family!”
Geoff wiped his eyes and kept going. “And they hurt me. A member of my own family deliberately spread rumors to hurt me. Well, I hope you’re happy because it worked. He’s gone, and I’m miserable without him.” Geoff turned and started to walk away. “I want you gone.”
“What?” That sanctimonious tone was back, and Geoff snapped.
“I want you gone!” He pointed at her. “You have five minutes, you hurtful, spiteful bitch, to get off my property, or I’ll have you arrested for trespassing!” He pointed to the door. “Get out!”
Janelle stood up. “Come, Victoria, we’re leaving.” She started to walk to the door.
“I’m not going anywhere. He’s my nephew, and he’s right. You are a spiteful bitch, and I’m tired of you.”
Janelle looked like a fish caught on a lure, her mouth hung so far open. “Then how am I going to get home?”
“We’ll take you home when we’re ready.” Vicki looked like she was just getting comfortable.
Geoff looked at his watch and relented. “You can stay until they’re ready to leave. But I don’t want to see you or hear you. Go sit on the porch. Maybe the dogs will keep you company, if they’re feeling charitable. And after today, I never want to speak to you or hear from you again.”
Geoff’s anger had run its course and began dying away. “Excuse me.” Geoff turned and left the room, sitting at the kitchen table.
A few minutes later, Mari and Vicki sat down across from him. “I’m not going to apologize to her, so don’t ask. I’m hurting right now, and she’s partially responsible,” Geoff said.
“You’ll get over this and find someone else. This isn’t the end of the world.”
He knew Aunt Vicki meant well. “It sure feels like it.” He looked up at them. “I spent a lot of time in Chicago with a lot of men. Hell, I had sex with three or four different men a week sometimes, but nothing compared to what I feel for him.” They didn’t understand so he tried again.
“Do you believe in having a soul mate, someone who completes you in a way you never thought possible?” They both nodded. “Well, Eli was mine—I know that. I can feel it with every fiber of my being, and now he’s gone. He’s less than ten miles away, and he might as well be on the other side of the world. Hell… he is in another world, a completely different world.”
Vicki took his hand. “Honey, he chose to go back. You have to see that.”
“I know he did. He chose to go back because her rumors threatened to hurt his family. If word got back to them that he was gay, his entire family would be shunned. Don’t you understand? He gave up his own happiness for his family.”
Two sets of eyes looked at him, definitely confused. “He’s gay. By leaving he’s condemned himself to live a lie for the rest of his life. He’ll probably marry and have children, but his wife will never make him happy, no matter how hard she tries, and she won’t know why, and he’ll never be able to tell her. I know I’m unhappy, but he’s the one who’ll be unhappy for the rest of his life.” The looks on his aunts’ faces told him they were at least starting to understand.
“My God, he’s in a prison.” Mari put her hand over her mouth.
“And it’s a life sentence.” Geoff didn’t try to keep the pain out of his voice. He had a pretty good idea of how hard Eli was going to have it for the rest of his life.
“What can we do?”
“Nothing. The only person who can do anything is Eli, and he’s made his decision. It hurts, but his caring nature is part of why I love him. I can’t expect him to care about his family any less than he cares about me.” It was true. He’d never have forced Eli to choose between him and his family.
“You need to move on.” Geoff shook his head—Vicki just didn’t understand. But she was trying, and he had to give her credit for that. “Aunt Vicki, if Eli was a woman, would you be telling me the same thing?”
Geoff could almost see the light go on behind his aunt’s eyes, “Oh goodness. I’d… we’d be supportive and let you grieve for the loss.” Before Geoff could nod, she was on her feet, rushing to his side of the table, hugging him tight. “You take as much time as you need. We’ll be here for you. We’re just worried about you.”
“I know, and I appreciate it.” Geoff hugged her back and then got up. “Did you want to go for a ride?”
“Not today.” She looked toward the front of the house, “I should take Janelle home before she explodes.”
“I meant what I said.” He looked at both his aunts. “I never want to have anything to do with her again. There’s enough hate and bigotry in the world. I don’t need it from my family, and I won’t have it in my house.”
“You know she’ll be at Jill’s wedding.”<
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The last thing he wanted was to put his family in a difficult position. “Just don’t put us at the same table, and we’ll be fine.” Geoff winked, and they both hugged him again before rejoining the rest of the family in the living room.
“Dan, we should get going. Geoff’s got things to do.” They all got up, and after exchanging hugs and saying their good-byes, they left. The house was quiet again with only Len sitting in his chair.
“I went to the bakery this morning. I saw Eli while I was there.”
Geoff felt hope flare inside him and then die back down. “How is he?”
“I didn’t get a chance to talk to him—his uncle was there. But he smiled. His uncle recognized me from when I brought Eli to visit. He told me Eli was doing well and that he was acclimating well and planned to join the community next week.” Len looked at Geoff, a little puzzled. “That was exactly what he said, but I don’t know what it means.”
Geoff felt his legs wobble, and he flopped on the sofa to keep from falling. That was it, after next week…. “It means that next week, Eli is scheduled to be baptized into the church. That he’ll take his place as an adult member of the Amish community.”
He’d known this was coming, but just hearing about it was a little overwhelming. Geoff felt the last bit of hope he’d been clinging to slip from his grip.
Every day, he’d hoped that Eli would somehow return to him, that he’d change his mind and come back. Now he realized how ridiculous he was being. He had to move on. Somehow, he had to figure out how he was going to live the rest of his life without Eli.
Geoff got to his feet and went into the office, shutting the door quietly. He’d just sat at the desk when he heard a soft knock. “It’s open.”
Len cracked the door and stepped inside. “Up ’til now, I haven’t been able to bring myself to come in here. It reminded me too much of Cliff.” Len stood in front of the desk, just looking around. “I can still see him sitting at that desk, working, planning, smoking one of his damned cigars near the window so I wouldn’t find out.”
Dreamspinner Press Year Three Greatest Hits Page 40
