Cutting Cords

by Mickie B. Ashling

  The mattress dipped when he slid into bed about an hour later. I was disappointed I hadn’t dropped off to sleep, but my imagination couldn’t let this day end. I kept thinking of one dramatic scenario after another, and none of them had a happy ending. Clearly, my choices sucked. Allowing Trent to go and do his soldiering thing would get him out of the way so I could traipse off to Japan and play superhero for Cole. In theory, it was the perfect solution; however, it might backfire and Trent could fall in love with the Army all over again. What would I do if his experiment was successful? Would I give him the okay to jump back into a world that had no place for me?

  I could play dirty and tell him the truth about the twins and Noriko. He was altruistic enough to put his dreams aside and stay to help, of that I had no doubt. Cole’s objections for secrecy could be surmounted with some intelligent persuasion on Trent’s part.

  But was that truly the right thing to do? I would forever wonder if Trent had stuck around because he had no choice. If I let him go, even reluctantly, he could make up his own mind about re-upping without adding guilt to the mix. Except, whose guilt was I thinking about? Mine for keeping the kidnapping from him, or his for springing this on me with no warning? It was a tangled mess, and I was caught in the knots.

  Logic was the only way to survive this current dilemma, and after weighing my choices, I realized there was no contest. The needs of the children had to come first. If they could talk, I was certain they’d tell me to follow the instructions to the letter. I wasn’t the one in a foreign place, eating God knows what vile concoction handed over by some tattooed gangster. I’d had a chance to look up Yakuza on my phone on the way back from Cole’s and was appalled at what we were dealing with. These people were ruthless and made the mafia look like a bunch of posers. If I dragged Trent into this to prevent him from flying off to the desert, I would, in essence, be putting the nails in Niki’s and Keni’s tiny coffins if our mission went south.

  Still, the thought of being separated from Trent for six weeks felt all kinds of wrong. Insecurity swamped me like a rogue wave, convincing me that I was so forgettable Trent would choose stifling heat and constant danger over a cushy life by my side. Reflexively, I ended up in a fetal position. The ache curled around my gut like an electric coil, squeezing my innards with shooting cramps that made me moan out loud without realizing it. Trent reached for me and gently rolled me over so I was facing him.

  “Sloan, please try to understand,” he said, kissing me tenderly on the mouth. “This isn’t a decision I thought I’d ever have to face, but the fact that I jumped on Joe’s suggestion can only mean one thing.”

  “I’m not enough for you,” I said miserably. My eyes were welling up automatically, and Trent thumbed away the first drop when it rolled down my cheek.

  “It’s got nothing to do with you and everything to do with my career.”

  I scooted a little closer, taking comfort from his conciliatory words, but determined to put this to rest. Notwithstanding Cole’s dilemma, I had to press for answers. “In all the time we’ve been together, you’ve only talked about the Army once, and that’s because I asked. You never indicated a desire to go back into the service.”

  “You’re right,” he admitted. “When I read about the repeal of DADT, I started wondering where I’d be now if I was still in the Army and free to love whomever I chose.”

  “And yet, you never mentioned it.”

  He shrugged. “I was skeptical about the big shift in policy. Going from one extreme to another seemed too good to be true.”

  “What’s changed?”

  “It’s actually working. This time I can have it all—you and the job I’m trained for. I haven’t been gone that long, Sloan, and I wasn’t dishonorably discharged. I served my time and didn’t reenlist because of their homosexual agenda.”

  He reached over and turned on the lamp. Trent looked like he was hopped up on drugs. Excitement crackled around him like a force field, and the sinking feeling in my gut was solidified by his next statement.

  “If I can pass muster, they’ll take me back with my old ranking, or even a higher one if I was up for promotion during my time away. I’ll be in charge, but this time we’ll play with rules I can live by. Joe was very convincing. He assured me that since I’m still in my midthirties, and fit, there shouldn’t be any snafus. Getting through the six-week trial period is critical because I’ll be under intense scrutiny to see if I can still do it.”

  “Can you?”

  “Come on,” he said. “Do you doubt it for a minute?”

  “What about the vows we exchanged on the yacht? Was that just a case of being swept up in the moment?”

  “No. Those vows are more real than this circus Max is planning.”

  “Then how can you be so casual about this request? You can spin it all you want, but if you decide to reenlist, nothing will ever be the same.”

  “There will be some changes, sure, but we can weather anything. The last three years have proven that over and over.”

  I looked at him in disbelief. He was either delusional or I wasn’t getting it. “Call me jaded, Trent, but love doesn’t conquer all. I learned that the hard way. There are certain basics you’re ignoring.”

  He raised an eyebrow. “Such as?”

  “My career, for one thing.”

  Trent frowned. “You’re a model, Sloan. The cameras can flash anywhere in the world, and I have no doubt Max and his crew will follow you to the ends of the earth.”

  “You know that’s not how it works. New York is where it happens, and I have to be here to make sure I’m happening. Do you have any idea how many beautiful men show up at Max’s place every day? If I’m not around, he’ll latch on to someone new. It’s business, not personal.”

  “Bullshit! Max will watch your back no matter what.”

  “There are also the twins to consider.”

  Trent looked exasperated. “They’re really not our problem.”

  Now was my chance to come right out and say it. Tell him the goddamn truth and this entire conversation would be scrapped. I hesitated for a second, but in the end, I couldn’t do it. I had promised Cole I’d remain silent, and I always kept my word, even if it got me into a ton of shit.

  “I’ll miss out on all their firsts if I’m following you around the desert like a Bedouin.”

  “You’re not their blood relative, Sloan. I’m your family, and you need to be with me.”

  “Cole is counting on me to be there for his boys,” I protested. I could hear my voice rising and tried to tone down the hysteria that was barreling up my throat like a bad case of reflux. “I thought you enjoyed babysitting.”

  “It’s fun, but those kids mean nothing to me, cute as they are. I’m doing it for you more than anything.”

  “So it’s your way or the highway?”

  “I promise it won’t be as bad as you think. We’ll have the bigass gay wedding, play dress-up for the press, and honeymoon for a couple of days before I ship out. I told Joe there was no way I’d postpone my wedding plans.”

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Now he was being condescending, throwing me a bone so I wouldn’t go psycho on him. Well, fuck that. I sure as hell wasn’t going to be pushed into making a hasty decision. I grabbed my pillow and got ready to walk out of the room. On second thought, I yanked the quilt off the bed and wrapped it around my shoulders. Let him fucking freeze. Give him a taste of life without Sloan to keep him warm. Before walking out, I threw out my last zinger, hoping it would shake him up.

  “Tell Joe you can ship out in the next day or so.”

  “Sorry?”

  “The wedding is off. A postponement of six weeks is small potatoes compared to a lifetime of misery. You may not think this marriage is a big deal, but to me, it’s a forever commitment. I’ll be damned if I’ll let you rush me so you can reclaim your military life without feeling guilty. I won’t do it.”

  He looked completely shocked and grabbed my arm
. “Where the hell are you going?”

  “I need some space.”

  “Why?”

  Why? Jesus, the guy just didn’t get it. “Go and play soldier if you must. For the record, I strongly object to this plan of yours. This isn’t what I signed on for, Trent. I want a full-time husband, not a part-time soldier boy who comes home every so often to get laid. Fuck that! I have bent over backward to accommodate your lifestyle and your need for control, but I’ll not turn into a fucking doormat to hang on to you.”

  His fingers dug into my arm. “You aren’t going anywhere, Sloan. I order you to stay in this room.”

  I stared into his stony face and used my safeword for only the second time in our relationship. “Queen.”

  He let go in an instant. “Are you fucking serious?”

  “Do I look like I’m joking? You dump this on me with no warning and expect me to jump for joy? Have you forgotten I didn’t meet you when you were in the military? Guns and ammo were never a part of our repertoire. I’m an artist, Trent, not a fighter. Furthermore, I have no desire to watch you risk your life when it won’t bring back the innocent people who died on September 11. I don’t give a damn if I’m not politically correct! Let someone else try to save the Middle East. Why the fuck should my husband put himself in harm’s way when it won’t make a bit of difference?”

  “You can’t possibly mean that.”

  “Maybe not all of it, but I’m not the only person in this country who thinks we should let them fight their own war.”

  “Let’s not turn this into a political debate, Sloan. I want to do something meaningful with my life, and peddling next season’s trendy fashion isn’t it.”

  “I didn’t realize you were so miserable.”

  “That’s not entirely accurate,” Trent said, looking pretty dejected at the moment. “The last few years with you have been great, but I’ve always felt like something was missing. At first, I thought it had to do with your lack of interest in the BDSM club scene, and after you gave me permission, I tried to compensate by going on my own. I gotta be honest, Sloan. As soon as Joe started talking Army, I was rejuvenated and realized it was the missing link. I’ll never be truly happy at home unless I’m happy in my career. Can’t you please try to understand?”

  “Expecting me to understand your desire to hop on a plane and save the goddamn world is unrealistic. Can’t you see I’m freaking out?”

  Trent squeezed his eyes shut, and I could only imagine what was going through his head. He was being remarkably calm for a control freak, but the pulsing vein on the side of his forehead meant he was struggling to keep it together. Trent was never happy when I challenged him. To his way of thinking, I was being insubordinate and overstepping my submissive boundaries by demanding to be heard. Clearly, my attitude was unexpected, but I was too far gone to think about repercussions. There was no way in hell I was going to be railroaded into another situation like the one I’d endured with Cole. When Trent finally said something, it wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

  “I’m sorry you’re so upset, but the process has begun, and I would like to walk out of here knowing I have your support.”

  “You don’t have it, Trent. There’s nothing you can do or say that will make me change my mind.”

  “So where does this leave us?”

  “I don’t know about you, but I’ll be fucked up until you get back. Let’s consider our relationship on hold while you’re making your final decision, and I can only hope that it’ll be the right one.”

  “For you or me?”

  “For us.”

  “Neither of us will be happy until we find some middle ground.”

  “Sounds like an impasse for now.”

  “Seems like it,” Trent said tersely. “Is this your final decision?”

  I walked out of the bedroom without replying. There was so much I wanted to say, but the words stuck in my throat. Was soldiering so important Trent was willing to put our marriage at risk? Or was I the faulty piece in this convoluted puzzle? Didn’t I merit more than a few hours’ notice before having my life upended? Did Trent just assume I would bend to his will the same way Cole had expected? What was wrong with my kind of loving that made the men in my life feel they could walk all over me? The hell with it! I had no intention of letting events unfold around me without my input. This time, I would make an effort to control the direction of my fate, and whether or not I did the right thing would be debatable for years, but at least I would know it was my decision, however this played out.

  Chapter 5

  MAX WAS stunned when I told him the wedding was off. “That’s preposterous,” he blustered, scrutinizing me to see if I was on drugs or simply crazy. “You love the guy.”

  “Can’t deny that, but I don’t like him right now. He’s made a decision that can potentially change our lives, and I’m not going along with the plan.”

  “Stop talking in riddles, Sloan. Tell me exactly what’s going on.”

  We were sitting at our favorite bagel joint, where he’d agreed to meet me for breakfast. I must have looked awful, since Max kept peering at me over his cup of coffee as if I’d developed something contagious overnight. I’d thrown on my most faded jeans, an old Pratt sweatshirt, and a pair of sunglasses to camouflage the dark circles under my eyes. Not surprisingly, I’d barely slept, and when I’d finally dozed off, I was awakened by the sound of running water as Trent began his morning ritual. I’d hoped that he’d come to his senses during the night and tell me this was all a bad dream, but unfortunately he hadn’t. He’d left the apartment at seven thirty without bothering to check on me.

  My voice broke a few times when I recounted the conversation Trent and I had had, but Max didn’t try to console me. He listened in mute sympathy, and by the time I was done, he seemed to have forgotten he was supposed to be angry.

  “What an idiot,” he concluded. “Then again, I’m not surprised. He’s been restless for a while now. At first I thought it had something to do with your relationship, but you seemed happy,” Max said pensively. He put down his cappuccino and wiped the foam off his mustache. Tossing the napkin on the table, he leaned back and crossed his arms. “You probably don’t want to hear my take on this, but I’ll tell you anyway. Trent has lost the spark for modeling, I know that much. You can see it on his face when I compare current shots to old. It’s obvious modeling isn’t his thing, but missing the military? That’s crazy! Would you like me to talk to him?”

  “No.”

  “You’re taking this rather well, all things considered,” Max observed.

  I fiddled with the salt and pepper shakers, trying to figure out why I wasn’t hysterical, but I realized it was because I had the twins on my mind. Realistically, Cole might never see them again if I gave in to my feelings of despair.

  I stared into Max’s kind face and tried to say something believable. “Trent couldn’t possibly top Cole when it comes to breaking my heart.”

  “Sloan,” Max said softly. “I’m really sorry.”

  “Yeah, so am I. Tell me how much you’ve forked over on deposits, and I’ll reimburse you.”

  “That’s the least of it, kiddo.”

  “That might be true, but you should get it back.” I stood to go but remembered to cover my tracks while I was in Japan. “Since I’m not booked for any photo shoots because of my upcoming honeymoon, can I take a vacation instead? I’d like to go away for a while.”

  “Alone?”

  “Trent and I haven’t broken up, Max, we’re on hold for now. I’m not hooking up with the first guy who comes along. I just want a few weeks to think about my future.”

  “Are you sure? I can move my schedule around and have Tin or one of the other guys accompany you.”

  “Thanks for offering, but I’m going to pass.” I felt guilty as hell for holding back on Max, but I couldn’t get away with mentioning Cole’s name and not listen to Max rant and rave. He hated the guy for dumping me to have kids.

  “Wi
ll I be able to reach you by phone?”

  “I’m not taking off on the space shuttle,” I said, falling back on my trademark sarcasm to hide the nerves. “You can call me whenever you want.”

  “I’ll be checking on you.”

  “Don’t worry! I’m not going to filet my thighs; I swear.”

  “There’s that,” Max said. “If I find out you’ve resorted to cutting again, I’ll kill you myself.”

  “Don’t worry. The only knives I’m going to be reaching for are steak knives.”

  “Where are you going?”

  “Probably someplace warm.”

  Max reached for my hand across the table and squeezed my fingers, which were ice cold. “Are you positive I should stay out of this?”

  “Definitely.”

  As I headed home, I decided to check in with Cole to get an update. Maybe the twins were home and this entire fiasco was a giant hoax. Unfortunately, nothing had changed except the wheels had been set in motion for our departure.

  “Hey,” he said as soon as he heard my voice. “We’re leaving for Tokyo tomorrow morning. I’m assuming your passport is in order.”

  “Yes.”

  “What are you going to tell Trent?”

  “I’ll think of something.”

  “I’m sorry to drag you away like this, but if everything goes well, we should be back in plenty of time for your wedding.”

  “I appreciate your concern, but the wedding’s been postponed.”

  “What? Why?”

  “Something’s come up, and Trent has to leave town for a while.”

  “Are you okay with it?”

  “Of course.”

  “Good. I don’t want my business to get in between you guys.”

  “I can honestly say you have nothing to do with his departure.”

  Cole didn’t sound convinced, and when he probed once more, I snapped. “Stop badgering me, Cole! Everything’s fine.”