Cutting Cords

by Mickie B. Ashling

  “Easy there, slugger. Daddy has a big boo-boo, and you have to be gentle.”

  “It’s okay,” Cole said softly. I looked at him and saw that his cool façade was crumbling in front of my eyes. The realization that he might not have been around to receive this energetic welcome must have hit home, and my shogun turned to mush within seconds. Tears ran down his cheeks as he sat on the floor and allowed his sons to clamber all over him.

  It was a defining moment, and knowing I’d helped to make it happen made up for all the uncertainty I’d be facing back home.

  That evening after we’d tucked the kids into bed and shared a simple meal in front of the television, I had another déjà vu moment. We’d done this often in the past—lazing around on a sofa while I watched my sitcoms and Cole read a book. Occasionally, he’d glance up when I’d laugh or make a comment, and I’d have to explain what was on the screen. It was second nature for me to be his eyes, and knowing how much he appreciated the help without my making a big production about it was gratifying in more ways than I could explain. Cole needed me, and although he’d be the first to deny it and insist he could manage well enough on his own, I knew better. Having me around made his life easier, and I thrived on that knowledge. Had I always been a nurturer, or was it only Cole that brought out this side of my personality?

  Trent was the most self-sufficient man I knew. Life’s ups and downs were simply another challenge he could overcome, and he made damn sure I was cognizant of his superiority. His dominant nature accepted nothing less. I admired him tremendously, but I was also aware that he didn’t need me to improve his life. Sure, I was an enjoyable perk, and being great in the sack was a huge plus, but relationships based on sex weren’t the kind that crossed the finish line, especially when they turned into long-distance endeavors. How on earth would Trent and I overcome our obstacles, assuming he’d ever talk to me again?

  “I can hear you thinking,” Cole teased. “You’re wearing out your gray matter.”

  “Shut up,” I volleyed.

  “You know what I’d like to do when we get home?” Cole asked.

  “What?”

  “Take the kids to the park and play baseball with them.”

  “I think you’ll have to wait a few more years for that.”

  “We can toss balls,” Cole amended.

  “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Sure,” Cole replied.

  “Am I really in your will as next of kin to those boys?”

  “Yes.”

  “Didn’t you think to run it by me first?”

  “Would you have protested if it came right down to it?”

  “Of course not.”

  “So what’s the problem?”

  “You’ve never talked to me about your wishes for them.”

  “Like what?”

  “Where do you want them to go to school? Do you want them to be bilingual? Should I hire Japanese or American nannies? Will I spare the rod and spoil the child? Do you want—?”

  “Stop,” Cole said, laughing at my long list of questions. “I figured you’d wing it.”

  “Flying by the seat of my pants is fine when I’m the only one involved,” I protested. “Daddies need to know what the fuck they’re doing.”

  “I’ve never doubted your capacity for love, and it all boils down to that, doesn’t it?”

  “I do love those kids, in spite of our rocky start.”

  “I know.”

  “But how could you be so sure I’d do the right thing?”

  “Because you’re a good person, Sloan, and very kind. You’d keep them in line with your honesty.”

  “Thank you,” I said, blown away by his opinion of me. Compliments from Cole were hard earned, and being entrusted with his children was the ultimate endorsement. I couldn’t have been prouder. “Just do me a favor.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Live a long and healthy life.”

  Chapter 25

  OUR APARTMENT smelled musty and deserted—hardly surprising since no one had stepped foot in it after I’d walked out the door almost four weeks ago. It was hard to believe it had been that long. The last week in Tokyo had seemed interminable, but it had taken more time than we’d expected to get everyone’s paperwork in order. Since everything had been destroyed in the fire, there was no way of retrieving the twins’ passports. We had to apply for replacements, and in the end, they attached them to Cole’s instead of getting their own. They were young enough to do that, and it saved some precious time.

  On the flight back, Cole and I talked about the logistics of being a single father. When he and Noriko separated, he’d purchased an apartment in the same building a few floors above his. The proximity made it easy for Cole to be involved in the children’s lives without having his space disrupted. Although it sounded selfish of him to need his own place, it was perfectly understandable to me. Being blind was challenging enough, but having his comfort zone overrun by children, nannies, and their paraphernalia was difficult under the best of circumstances. It had become an issue when the kids were newborns, and Cole had been grateful after I’d suggested he transplant them to another apartment.

  “I’ll have to buy a bigger place,” he said, sounding resigned. “There’s no getting around it. I can’t very well leave the boys upstairs with their nannies. It’s not right.”

  “I hear you.”

  “And that’s another thing,” Cole said. “Where in the hell am I going to find two competent nannies on short notice? It’s like trying to find the Holy Grail.”

  “I can help out until you do.”

  “I appreciate the offer, but you have a career to get back to. You can’t be following toddlers around indefinitely.”

  “Modeling might not be an option anymore. Have you looked at my face recently?”

  Cole laughed. “No.”

  “Fuck.” I chuckled at my dumb remark. “You know what I mean.”

  He turned toward me and ran his right hand lightly over my face, pausing as his fingers “read” the familiar eyebrows, nose, lips, and chin. Even my banged-up eye had improved exponentially. My vision was clearing daily, and the redness was gone. Glasses of some sort might be in my future, but that wasn’t the end of the world.

  “Unless you’ve turned green from all the tea you’ve had this past month or developed a horrible tic, everything feels the same,” Cole said softly. “You’re still the beautiful face the fashion world knows and loves.”

  “We’ll see,” I said. In truth, I wasn’t sure I wanted to do it anymore. After surviving a near-death experience, modeling seemed like such a shallow way of using the gift of time I’d been given. There had to be something more meaningful to justify my existence. At the end of the day, what had I really done to make this a better world? I wasn’t out there fighting the bad guys like Trent or teaching and imparting knowledge like Cole. I was just another pretty face getting older by the minute and would eventually be a washed-up mention in a tabloid. If anything, I wanted to walk away from my career while I was still on top. There was more than enough money in my bank account, and Max would make sure the dough would continue to accumulate until they stopped using my face to endorse a product. My contract with Klass wasn’t up for renewal for another six months, which would give everyone time to find my replacement. Determined to do this, I took a deep breath and nudged Cole, who’d already turned away and was staring out the window.

  “Cole?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Let me move in with the kids until you find a bigger place. I can help during the day while you’re at work, and I’ll be more than willing to take over the task of finding the right nannies. There’s no doubt we’ll find some temporary help, but we’ll need to be really picky on finding the right person to step into their mother’s shoes.”

  “That’s another thing,” Cole said despondently. “You and I had talked about telling the boys the truth about their conception. Now more than ever, I hesitate to tell them wh
at was involved. Their mother was not only a hired geisha, she was insane. How on earth can I explain that?”

  I nodded. “It does put a different spin on things. We should consult a child psychologist. I’m sure they’ll have some good suggestions.”

  “And maybe they won’t, but for the time being, we’ll tell the boys Noriko has stayed behind to nurse her sick mother. Eventually, they’ll stop asking.”

  “Speaking of sick mothers. You’re going to keep on funding your ex-mother-in-law, aren’t you?”

  “I have no choice,” Cole said solemnly. “She’s my children’s grandmother, and I can’t very well let her join the ranks of the homeless.”

  I folded his hand in my mine and squeezed. “You’re a good man, Cole Fujiwara.”

  He snorted. “That’s probably up for discussion. I can name three people who’d disagree.”

  “Like who?” I asked indignantly.

  “Trent, Max, and your buddy Tin.”

  “Tin doesn’t think you’re a bad person, just crazy for dumping me.”

  Cole snorted. “I noticed you didn’t include the other two names.”

  “No sense trying to deny it.”

  “How will you explain your move to Trent? He’ll never understand you’re just trying to help.”

  “Tough shit. He’s still got a lot of ’splaining to do himself. I have a horrible feeling he’s already reenlisted and played me for a fool.”

  “Don’t be jumping to conclusions until you hear what he has to say.”

  I looked at Cole in shock. “Since when have you become Trent’s advocate?”

  “I know what it’s like to be on the wrong side of an argument with you. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy,” he said dryly.

  I had to laugh; it was too funny. “I’ll be sure and tell him what you just said.”

  “After you kiss and make up, yeah?”

  Cole and I agreed that I’d go back to my apartment first thing and take care of my own business before heading back out to his second condo. He and the children would be fine while he still had the Japanese nannies, who were content to hang around until we found suitable replacements. Hell, I would be too if I made their kind of salary.

  I opened up a few windows to let in some fresh air and began tackling the shit-ton of mail that had accumulated. After sorting and dumping most of it in the trash, I went to take a shower. It wasn’t the same chore it had been immediately following my altercation with Kouki’s knife. My wounds had scabbed over and didn’t sting when the water sluiced over them. Everything appeared to be healing nicely, other than my nightmares, which continued to plague me on and off. I’d shaken Cole out of a sound sleep on several occasions, and he’d held me until the trembling subsided.

  Held me. Nothing sexual had transpired between us despite the occasional boners that crept up without warning. We’d shared a bed, an occasional peck on the lips, and many hugs, but that was it. Neither one of us wanted to make a move, lest we fuck up the comfortable truce we’d established during our time together. That was the main reason for him, but for me, it was Trent. There was no way I’d consider sleeping with Cole until Trent and I had made a clean break if that was where this was heading.

  After drawing on some sleep pants and throwing on a ratty T-shirt, I uncapped one of the bottles of Corona that I’d left in the fridge, eased into my favorite recliner, and called Max. I knew I’d need some liquoring up to deal with his dramatics. Not surprisingly, he told me to shut up and wait till he could hear my entire story in person. I asked him to bring over some bagels and lox while he was at it. It was one of the things I’d been craving since the plane landed at Kennedy.

  He was at the door in under thirty minutes and hugged me so hard I thought he’d crush my lungs. “Tell me what the fuck happened to you, Sloan. You don’t look so hot.”

  By the time I’d finished my story, in between bites of delicious food, he looked horrified. “This is like something out of a Gothic novel,” he said lamely.

  “I’ve had better vacations,” I said with a shrug. “Anyway, it’s finally over, and the wicked witch of the West is gone.”

  “Amen and good fucking riddance,” Max said vehemently. “What happens now?”

  “I’m quitting, Max.”

  “Quitting what?”

  “Modeling.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous.”

  “Is it crazy to want something more meaningful?”

  “Honey, you’re in shock, and not surprisingly. I’d be in a straitjacket if the same thing happened to me. Stay away a few more weeks, gather your strength, and consult with a shrink or three. You’ll be as good as new in no time.”

  I shook my head. “I doubt it, but I’ll wait before making my final decision.”

  “Have you heard from Trent?”

  “Not recently,” I said.

  “Do you even know where he is?”

  “No clue.”

  “Does he know what happened in Japan?”

  “I told him in an e-mail after the fact.”

  “And how did that go?”

  I gave him the look. “How do you think?”

  Max stood to go but stopped to add another one of his stellar comments. “If you’re even remotely tempted to go back to Cole, I would think again.”

  I looked up at his scowl and raised an eyebrow. “Why’s that?”

  “You’re reacting to a terrible experience you shared. It isn’t the best reason to go back to a man who dumped you without a second thought.”

  “It wasn’t quite like that, but I don’t have the time or energy to get into it again. Let’s just say that my life is on hold until further notice.”

  “My God, Sloan! You can’t be seriously considering Cole again?”

  I pushed Max toward the door gently, and when I managed to squeeze him past the doorjamb, he put his hand on my chest and stopped dead. “You have always been a fool in love when it comes to that bastard.”

  “Which bastard are you referring to? As I recall, neither one of my lovers met with your approval.”

  “The blind one!”

  “Right.” I sighed. “See you around, Max.”

  I walked back to the kitchen, pulled out another Corona, and headed straight for the recliner. Three beers and an hour of channel surfing later hadn’t made a difference. I kept jerking awake when my exhausted body tried to escape into oblivion, afraid to give in to the pull because of the monsters lurking underneath the surface. Sleep had become my enemy, and I knew the longer it went on, the chances of recovering on my own were dwindling. A shrink might be the only solution, or maybe all I had to do was accept the simple truth. I needed Cole. Admitting it was the first step to recovery, right? That’s what they advocated in most addiction clinics, and acknowledging my need for that impossible man would go a long way to healing the ache in my heart. I squeezed my eyes shut and imagined Cole’s soothing voice against my ear and his warm length pressed against mine. I drifted off, safer in his arms… for now.

  The scratching of a key in the lock and the streak of cuss words accompanying the rattle of chains as the secondary locks held the intruder at bay propelled me out of my chair and straight to the front door.

  “Who is it?”

  “What the hell, Sloan! It’s Trent. Open the damn door.”

  “Sorry,” I said hastily. “I had no idea you were back, and I had them put extra locks on the door.” I fumbled with the chain and yanked open the door. I was confronted with the icy cold stare of a fired-up Dominant.

  “When did you get back?” I asked woodenly.

  “My plane landed an hour ago.” He was in uniform, just as I suspected. All pretense was gone, and he stood before me with his beret in place, looking very much like the Major who’d signed his e-mail “sincerely.” Unbridled rage tripped the last of my control, and I hauled back an arm and clocked the motherfucker.

  Chapter 26

  TRENT’S HEAD jerked back, and he shouted in surprise at the unexpected blo
w. Growling, he clutched my arms with fingers that felt like steel clamps, picked me up, and walked with purposefully strides into our living room.

  He dropped me without preamble. “Don’t fucking move!”

  I glared at him, too shocked by what I’d done to do otherwise. There was a bright red stamp on Trent’s jaw from my lame attempt to knock him down, but he wasn’t even fazed. Calmly removing his beret, he folded it and placed it gingerly on the sofa. He’d sheared off his auburn waves, which was another shock. I’d never seen him with a buzz cut, and it made him look like a stranger, fiercely attractive, but totally unfamiliar. He removed his jacket and stepped out of his pants, and when he was down to his ugly-ass combat-green, Army-issued boxers and undershirt, he took a deep breath and challenged me.

  “Go ahead, give it another shot.”

  “Fuck you,” I spat and turned to leave.

  He grabbed my arm and whirled me around like a top. “Don’t you dare walk away from me.”

  “Or what? You’ll have me court-martialed?”

  “You’ve always had a mouth on you,” he snarled. “Too bad you can’t follow through.”

  “At least I’m not a liar!”

  “About that….”

  “Yeah, what about it, you fucking jerk! When were you planning on sharing that minor detail?”

  “Maybe if you’d come clean about Cole, I would have.”

  “Cole wasn’t in the picture when you pulled this one, buddy. Don’t even think of making this about him.”

  “Are you telling me that you knew nothing about running off to rescue Cole’s children the night I talked about reenlisting?”

  “No, I did not.” I heard about it shortly after you dropped your bomb.

  “Liar.”

  “Not.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me as soon as you were informed of the kidnapping? I would have stayed to help.”