Forever With You (Silver State Series)

by Renae Kelleigh

  Is it OK if I join you?

  I’m by the food court, 2nd floor

  Be there in 5

  My stomach begins a gymnastics routine as I wait for him – after a moment I push my tray away, no longer hungry. Lord, how I wish my body wasn’t so violently affected by the simple thought of having him around.

  I’m tucking some loose papers back in my bag in an effort to keep my hands busy when Kyle finds me – I glance up to find him standing directly in front of me, and I nearly overturn my seat as I jump in surprise. He laughs, his face transformed by his radiantly handsome smile. “Jumpy,” he says teasingly as he pulls out the chair across from me and lowers himself into it.

  I take a deep breath and struggle to get my heartbeat back under control. “You scared me,” I murmur as my fingers come up to touch my breastbone.

  “Obviously,” he replies, settling back in his chair and stretching his legs out straight in front of him so his foot rubs up against my bare ankle. He clasps his hands behind his head and continues to look at me with an amused smirk on his face.

  I sit up a little straighter under his watchful scrutiny as I wiggle my tailbone to scoot back in my chair. “So…” I say. “What’s new with you?”

  He sighs, then draws his legs back in and sits forward, a slight frown blending with the afterglow of his charming smile. I begin to worry as he rests his elbow on the table and begins kneading at his forehead with his fingertips. “I just talked to my grandma,” he says in a low voice, as if he’s afraid of being overheard by someone at a nearby table. “I guess she has breast cancer?” He says it like a question, as if I’m the keeper of the facts and he merely wishes to confirm his grandmother’s story. I have a feeling it’s his best attempt at keeping his tone light.

  My heart, which has only just regained its normal rhythm, resumes its erratic clattering in my chest. There’s that dreaded word – cancer. How I hate it, with a burning, fiery passion.

  Certain I must be grimacing, I work to school my features. I don’t even think before my hand shoots across the table and covers Kyle’s. He stares down at our hands, then smoothly flips his palm face up and intertwines our fingers. Giving him a small squeeze, I duck my head down to catch his eye. “I’m so sorry, Kyle,” I say softly in a voice I hope is similar to the soothing tone Rhiannon would use with me whenever she’d try to comfort me in the past.

  He lifts his chin, gazing bravely into my eyes. On the surface his expression is impassive, almost cool, but as I stare deeper into his light chocolate eyes I can sense his grief – it’s an emotion I’m all too familiar with.

  I continue to hold his gaze, waiting for him to say more. I want to ask all the questions my brain is conditioned to wonder – How far along is her disease? Has it spread? How will they treat it? What’s her prognosis? But I bite my tongue, knowing well how it feels not to want to rehash all of those details.

  After a few minutes, Kyle gives my hand a light squeeze and says, “Walk with me.”

  Kyle – 1:15 PM

  It’s one of those classic late summer days – cool in the shade, warm in the sun, and just a hint of a breeze. Tawny walks close beside me, following my lead as I head in the direction of Manzanita Lake. For some reason she’s a calming presence; I can feel myself relaxing as we walk, even though we don’t speak until we reach the water’s edge. We stop on the grassy bank and gaze out at the blue reflective surface as a couple of overfed ducks paddle around in lazy circles nearby.

  “Is it weird that my biggest concern in all this is my grandpa?” I say finally. I can just make out Tawny in the periphery of my field of vision as she turns to look at me.

  “No, it’s not weird,” she says softly.

  I squint my eyes as I continue to watch the ducks, holding some indefinable emotion at bay. “Donna’s tough,” I explain. “She never worries about herself – always just other people. She doesn’t like for anyone else to worry about her either. I guess I figure if anyone can survive this, she can…” I pause to collect my thoughts before going on. “But Jack – I don’t know… He depends on her for so much, you know? I don’t mean just cooking and laundry and shit like that. I mean, he really relies on her…for his happiness.”

  I look at Tawny – her pretty face is etched with hard lines of concern. As I’m looking at her she begins to swim out of focus; my mind skips to a vision of my grandparents, and I begin to smile. When my eyes find Tawny again, she’s watching me with curiosity and interest.

  “Seeing the two of them together – it’s kind of fascinating,” I say. “Donna’s a talker, she could talk your ear off. And Jack’s always been very stoic, he barely says a word. Like he figures she does all the talking for both of them. When I was little I’d lie in bed and listen to them after they’d gone into their room – well, I’d listen to Donna. She talks and talks, and Jack just lies there and listens to her – every night. It’s this very symbiotic relationship they have – it’s amazing.”

  She smiles. “I love that for them,” she says.

  I nod. “I do, too.”

  After a few more minutes of absently staring into space, I glance back up the hill at the sidewalks teeming with students on their way to class, and a thought occurs to me. “Oh, shit,” I say. “I’m sorry – I forgot you have a class to get to.”

  Tawny shakes her head minutely. “It’s okay,” she says. “It already started.”

  I start to argue with her, but then I’m overcome with a sense of gratitude, and all I can do is smile down at her. The breeze whips a strand of hair across her face, and it sticks to her lips. Without thinking, I reach out and brush my fingertips across her cheek, tugging the strand away from her mouth. She stills beneath my touch but doesn’t flinch away. As I stare into her bright blue irises my mind leaps unbidden back to the image of her with her bald head, looking worn down and yet still cheerful in the face of seemingly insurmountable adversity. Even though it now seems so long ago, I’m still amazed by this girl – present circumstances only serve to deepen my respect for her fortitude.

  And yet, looking at her makes a part of me feel sad, too. I know she doesn’t want me or anyone else to feel sorry for her, but when I look at her I can’t help grieving for what she lost, even if she did manage to hold onto her life. She’s so young – and Donna is, too, in her own way. As I gaze down at Tawny, their faces begin to blur together in my mind, and suddenly searing hot tears are shoving against the backs of my eyes, threatening to break loose.

  I press my lips together and draw in a deep breath, then reach for Tawny’s thin shoulders and pull her up against me. She folds herself wholeheartedly into my embrace, cinching her arms around my middle and holding me in a way I’ve never been held. I wrap one arm around her shoulders and use the other to cradle her head against my chest. Slowly I turn my face and lay my cheek against the crown of her head; I breathe in and out with my eyes squeezed shut until my breathing has returned to normal and the tears have dissolved.

  A while later we slowly meander back toward the middle of campus. We walk to the north end of the quad before parting ways. I thank Tawny for taking the time to listen to me and apologize again for making her miss class. She brushes me off with a wave of her hand that vaguely reminds me of Donna.

  Just as I’m pivoting to walk away, Tawny catches the back of my hand, and I turn in surprise. “I’ll be thinking about you – and her,” she says, her voice laden with sincerity. “Just tell me how I can help.”

  I feel a fount of affection surge up inside of me, and I smile broadly as I nod. “I will.”

  Chapter 16 – Shots

  Saturday, September 17

  Tawny – 9:30 PM

  Another weekend, another party. This time Beatrix insisted I tag along for a Nu Alpha Kappa event. She styled my hair half up, half down, and loaned me a dress she swore would be “a big hit” – it’s a tight black, strapless tube dress with a heart-shaped neckline. After she filled my lips in with bright red lipstick and darkened my eyelashes
with ebony mascara, I drew the line at wearing the strappy stiletto pumps she had picked out for me, instead opting for my comfier yellow peep-toe heels. I barely recognized myself by the time we walked out the door, and I don’t mean that in a good way – I feel like a two-bit tramp.

  I’ve spent the last half hour pressed up against a wall, tracking Beatrix’s movements from the perimeter of the large room while attempting to garner as little attention as possible. Unfortunately, that’s easier said than done – I’ve already had to shoo away a couple of buzzed frat brothers whose “girl standing alone” radar had picked me out of the crowd the moment they walked into the room.

  The bass pounding in my ears is giving me a headache; it’s a miracle I’m able to feel my phone vibrate over the pulsing of the floorboards. A text message from Kyle scrolls across the screen.

  Wanna come over tonight?

  God, leaving this hellhole and going someplace quiet sounds amazing right now – but I can’t leave Beatrix… Not that I’m even pulling my weight as a companion for this evening. I’m sure she’s already fed up with my asocial behavior.

  I wish. At the NAK party…

  I take it you’re not having fun?

  Not exactly

  That probably means you’re not drunk enough. I know a couple guys in NAK, maybe I’ll swing by.

  My lips curl in a guilty smile.

  Sure, see you soon

  Kyle – 10:00 PM

  I squeeze sideways between groups of people, exchanging nods and high fives with the occasional acquaintance, as I search for Tawny. Given the sheer number of people here, I’m not convinced I’ll be able to find her. When I walk into the large, high-ceilinged room at the back of the house, however, my eyes settle on her almost immediately. Holy shit – she looks like a fucking goddess in that outfit. Normally I don’t go for girls who wear a lot of makeup, but even that’s working for her.

  I can’t help smiling to myself as I observe her from this distance. I’m almost positive the scowl on her face is intended to keep the horny drunks away, but it’s actually accomplishing the opposite – the forbidden, mysterious air she’s putting off makes her appear downright irresistible.

  Slowly I make my way toward her; I’m halfway across the floor when I notice alarm register in her face, then turn to see the guy approaching her. I nearly break out into a jog when I witness him pinning her against the wall with both his hands.

  A mixture of indignation and fear is scrawled over Tawny’s face; it morphs into relief when she sees me over the other guy’s shoulder. I step up next to her and snake my arm around her waist, pulling her up against my side, away from the gorilla breathing down her neck. I push lightly against his shoulder, knocking him off kilter. “She’s with me, man,” I tell him, keeping my voice even so as not to provoke him.

  He looks from me back to Tawny, whose hand is flattened against my stomach, claiming me as I claim her. She gives a slight confirmatory nod, and his shoulders slump in resignation. “Sorry, dude,” he says, backing away with his hands raised. “Didn’t realize she was taken.” With that he turns and disappears into the crowd.

  I glance down at Tawny. Her eyes are glued to his receding back as she chews thoughtfully on her lower lip – her teeth look startlingly white against the bright crimson shade of her mouth. Finally she glances back up at me, her expression inscrutable, and drops her hand from my stomach.

  “Okay?” I ask her.

  She nods. “He backed off easier than I thought he would.”

  I shrug. “Thankfully most of these frat guys are fairly low key when they’re drunk.”

  I study her face as her eyes continue to sweep the room like she doesn’t quite know what to make of it. It’s obvious she’s not much for partying – or maybe it’s that she’s never been shown how to enjoy herself.

  Stepping in front of her, I take both her hands in my own and interlace our fingers. “Hey,” I say through my smile as I duck down to meet her eye. “Do a shot with me.”

  “What?” she asks, her eyes snapping back to my face.

  “Do a shot with me,” I repeat. “Have you ever done one before?”

  She looks at me for a moment without replying. Finally, she shakes her head.

  “Will you do one with me?” I ask. “Just one – I promise if you hate it I’ll never bug you about it again.”

  “Why?” she asks suspiciously, her stance guarded.

  “It’ll help you loosen up,” I tell her, leaning closer so she can hear me over the thumping of the music. “Just try one with me, and if you’re still not having fun in twenty minutes let’s bail.”

  I pull back a couple of inches so I can make out her face. She closes her eyes and nods once, then falls into step behind me as I lead her away.

  Tawny – 10:15 PM

  I cling to Kyle’s hand as he winds his way through the throng of sweaty drunk people; Beatrix winks knowingly at me as I pass her. We leave the main room to find a table holding several tall glass bottles of liquor.

  “Any idea what you might like?” Kyle asks, kneading the palm of my hand with his thumb as I nervously take in the spread.

  “Not really,” I reply, my voice barely more than a whisper.

  “Hmm…” He picks up a couple of red plastic cups and gazes thoughtfully at the selection before reaching for a bottle filled with amber liquid. “No matter what it’s gonna taste bad,” he says as he pours a small amount in each of the cups, shrugging like it doesn’t much matter which particular poison I’d like to consume.

  I peer into the cups and notice one has about twice as much in it as the other one. Kyle notices the question that registers in my face as I recognize the clear discrepancy and points to the fuller cup as he says, “Don’t worry, that one’s mine. I’m guessing I can handle my liquor a little better than you can, being a guy and all. It’ll be more fun if we both have a buzz.”

  “Oh,” is all I can think to reply.

  “We need to find you a chaser,” he says suddenly. He hands me my cup and stalks off in the direction of a huge ice chest filled with canned soft drinks. Meanwhile, I lift the cup to my face and take a sniff of what’s inside – ugh, gag me. Even the smell makes my stomach curl. Suddenly I’m terrified I might throw up if I drink this in front of Kyle.

  When he returns he’s carrying a can of Pepsi. He gestures at the cup in my hand and says, “Okay, now you’ll wanna just swallow that all at once, then immediately take a drink of the Pepsi. Got it?”

  I feel numb and tingly all over, paralyzed in fear – all I can do is nod.

  He flashes me a brilliant smile as he drops his hand to snatch up my fingers again. “I’m gonna do it with you,” he says. “On the count of three – one, two, three!”

  I crane my neck back and down the liquid in one gulp as instructed; it travels down my throat and into my belly, searing the back of my esophagus like a noxious acid. Almost immediately I begin to wobble as the wooziness overtakes me – I’m only barely aware of Kyle grabbing my elbow to steady me while emphatically reminding me to drink the Pepsi. I submissively lift the can to my lips and take several gulps of the cold, carbonated beverage, reveling in the healing power of the micro bubbles as they ricochet down my throat.

  When I lower the can and look back at Kyle, he has a guarded smile on his face as he waits to see how I’ll react. Embarrassingly, a hiccup escapes me, a product of too much carbonation flooding my stomach. To my relief, Kyle only chuckles as he uses his thumb to swipe the excess liquid from my lower lip. I tremble when he brings the thumb up to his mouth and sucks the sweetness off of it.

  “How do you feel?” he asks, grasping my shoulders in his big hands.

  “Really…warm?” I say. “And a little wobbly.”

  He nods. “Maybe you should sit down.” He bundles me against his side and wraps his arm around my shoulders. “Don’t worry – it’ll wear off and you’ll start to feel good.”

  Kyle – 10:30 PM

  I figured one shot was all it’
d take for Tawny to feel the edge from the alcohol, and I was right. I made her sit down on the steps until the dizziness passed, but after a couple of minutes she was practically floating, not to mention giggling hysterically. I pointed out that she’s wearing two different hoop earrings, one gold and the other silver and slightly larger, then watched her entire body shake as she dissolved into a fit of laughter. She’s both funny and extremely endearing.

  After a few minutes it becomes clear she’s in need of an outlet for her newly discovered reserve of energy. She looks at me in surprise when I stand up and thrust my hands down at her. “Come on,” I say, curling my fingers around hers and giving her a tug. “Dance with me.”

  “I suck at dancing,” she says as she rises hesitantly to her feet on the step above me. “I’ll hurt you.”

  “I promise you won’t hurt me,” I reply.

  Her heels click down the stairs behind me as we descend into the foyer and head back down the hall toward the room with the dance floor. Once we reach the rim of the crowd, I pull Tawny into it a ways, thinking she might feel less vulnerable if she’s not as exposed. I wait for her to make a wide-eyed sweep of her surroundings; finally, satisfied no one is watching, she turns back to me.

  I latch onto her waist and wind both arms tightly around her middle. At first she feels stiff, but she seems to slowly relax against me as I begin swaying my hips to the music. Her hands clutch at my upper arms as she rocks along with me, her eyes half-lidded as they gaze unflinchingly into mine.

  She’s just begun to really loosen up when a girl I recognize barges into the narrow space between us, her eyes wild. She’s a sorority girl named Blythe – I remember her from a party I went to earlier last summer. She’d pretty much attached herself to my hip the entire night and hadn’t taken it so well when I let her down at the end of the evening by leaving alone. Now she’s grinding up against my side very provocatively, clearly three sheets to the wind.