Magic and Mayhem: Sh*t My Shifter Says (Kindle Worlds Novella) (Witches Gone Wild Book 2)

by Michele Bardsley

  “Zombies talk?” asked Immie.

  “Some of ‘em do.”

  Stan stepped away as Patsy took his place looking into the cage. The rabbit seemed to content to sit there and drool. Its red eyes fixated on the vampire.

  “Okay, dude. Where’s your zombie puppeteer?”

  Immie saw the rabbit twitch its nose. Then it made a weird squealy-growl noise.

  “Griselda Humbleback? Never heard of her. Why does she have a bunch of dead bunnies?” Patsy rolled her eyes. “Because lions weren’t available? You’re hilarious. Where’s Griselda?”

  The rabbit dropped onto its side and its eyes closed.

  Patsy tapped the cage. “Hello?” She studied the still form. “Okay. He’s back to being actually dead. I guess ol’ Griselda knows we’re looking for her.” Patsy straightened. Then she handed the tongs to Stan. “Destroy these. I don’t want an outbreak of zombunny cooties.”

  Stan put on latex gloves and took the tongs, hurrying away into another part of the lab.

  “I know where Griselda is,” said Baba Yaga. “That toe-ragged, ass-hatted, crazy-headed witch from the depths of hell lives at The Black Dragon casino in Vegas.” She crooked her finger at Immie. “Let’s go. We have a bear Shifter to rescue.”

  Chapter Four

  Theobold tested the silver links wrapped around his chest. He was chained to a frilly pink chair, one of many frilly pink things in the room. He supposed it was better than ending up undead bunny chow. After the rotting rabbits had absconded with him, he was unprepared to meet their master: his true love and very pissed-off girlfriend, Giselda.

  He tugged at the chains. “Giselda, this isn’t necessary, babe.”

  “Don’t call me babe!” Giselda, dressed in a black frock a la Elvira, stood in front of him, her perfect bow-mouth twisted in a snarl. Like all witches, she was impossibly beautiful. He’d always liked Giselda’s hair. Her satiny red curls cascaded over her shoulders. It felt like rare silk whispering over his skin. And she tasted like the richest of all honeys.

  “Honeypot, I—”

  Giselda flicked her fingers at him. Purple magic zapped his ear. It only hurt a little. Aw. She still cared about him.

  “What did I just say? You’ve lost endearment privileges, you great hairy beast.”

  “I love when you call me that.”

  Her lips almost twitched into a smile, but she caught herself. She narrowed her gaze. “How could you lose it? Playing cards, of all things.”

  “It was a raucous game of Go Fish. Who knew a six-year-old had those kinds of mad skills?”

  “More like a 600-year-old, and you know it. You lost my family’s heirloom to an elf. An elf who hates me.”

  “Adler doesn’t hate you, ba—, uh, Giselda. He hates your mother.”

  “Same difference. Now, he has my family’s most prized heirloom.”

  “Mom was pissed, huh?”

  “She doesn’t know. She expects me to wear it at the coven’s annual ball tomorrow night. And that’s why you’re going to make Adler give it back.”

  Theo flinched. “He’s an elf of the Gold Order. He’ll never relinquish it, and you know he won’t. Those pointy-eared devils play for keepsies.”

  “You did this on purpose.”

  The bear Shifter looked down to avoid her accusatory glare. Yeah, he’d lost the necklace to Adler on purpose. He knew the damned thing was enchanted—and if Giselda wore it to the stupid witch’s fancy dance, its magic would snag a compatible wizard and bind Giselda to the louse. By allowing Adler to “win” the bauble, Theo had saved his love-boo from a life of misery.

  “You didn’t have to create an undead rabbit army to kidnap me,” he said. “All you had to do was call.”

  “Me? Call? After what you did?” Giselda waved her arms, obviously agitated. “I could’ve forgiven you for losing the necklace, but you ran away. You abandoned me, your so-called true love.”

  “In my defense, you were throwing fireballs at me.”

  “Oh, like I’ve never done that before.”

  Theo had managed to shift before taking off, but Giselda was hell with a fireball. “You singed my ass fur.”

  “I was aiming for your genitals.”

  Theo gulped. He was lucky she hadn’t tried hard enough to burn his balls. Yet, underneath all that fury, he saw her pain—pain he’d caused. He’d lost the necklace, lied about it, and then ran away like a immature bear cub. He was such a jerkface. He’d hurt her, and he hated that. She deserved better than what he’d given her. Maybe she should marry a wizard and have babies and—his heart contracted. The ache filled up his chest and made it difficult to breathe. He loved her, and she loved him—witch traditions be damned.

  “I’m sorry, babe.”

  “Oh, no, you’re not, Theo.” She narrowed her gaze at him. “But you will be.”

  * * *

  Neon purple clouds invaded the room followed by bursts of neon pink and green lights.

  As the smoke cleared, Baba Yaga and Immie appeared. Immie waved away the vestiges of magic. Baba Yaga’s entrance was impressive. Hopefully impressive enough to scare off Giselda.

  “Let him go, you cow,” demanded Baba Yaga.

  “Shut up, Carol,” said Giselda as she whirled around and faced the witch in charge. “This isn’t any of your business.”

  “Everything to do with witches is my business, you scaly, bug-eyed ho.”

  “At least I’m not a big-boobed, ninny-brained, Madonna-loving whore.”

  The two witches glared at each other.

  “Yo, Immie,” said Theo. “ ‘Sup?”

  “Let’s get you out of there,” said Immie. She hurried past the witches engaged in a stare-off, and tried to remove the chains.

  “No good, dude. This is magicked silver. I ain’t going anywhere until Giselda releases me.”

  “When hell freezes over, Theo.” Giselda pointed at Baba Yaga. “Hose bag.”

  “Shit eater.”

  “Goat lover.”

  Baba Yaga rolled her eyes. “I love goats. So what?”

  “I forgot. How about donkey-ass-kisser?”

  “Yeah. That’s a good one.” She eyed Giselda. “How long do you want to keep this up?”

  “Oh, I could go on forever.”

  “Like that time in Salem? We went at it for a month.”

  “Good times.” Giselda snickered. Then she raised her hands in a surrender gesture. “I give up.”

  Baba Yaga laughed. She crossed the distance and hugged Giselda. “It’s been too long.”

  “You two know each other?” asked Immie. “I’m confused.”

  Baba Yaga slung her arm around Giselda’s neck. “This is one of my best friends.” She let go of the grinning witch. “Why the hell did you bear-nap Theo?”

  “He lost the Humbleback family heirloom in a card game. To Adler, of all elves.”

  “I said I was sorry.”

  “Not sorry enough.” Giselda turned toward her friend. “Adler’s got the necklace in a building with state-of-the-art security and dark magic. I can’t show up to the coven’s ball without it. Mother would fly off the broom.”

  “Adler’s paranoid. He witch-proofs everything.” Baba Yaga tapped her chin. “I might know someone who can help us.”

  “You do?” asked Theo. Immie noticed the bear Shifter looked crushed. Dejected, he slumped down in the chair. “Bummer.”

  Giselda waved her hand and the chains took on a silver glow. “You stay right where you are, Theobold. I’m not finished with you.”

  Immie patted Theo’s shoulder. The poor bear looked in need of comfort, and as a creator witch, she didn’t really have the capacity to remove the chains herself. Besides, if Baba Yaga was involved now, Immie had no recourse. The Shifter would have to take his lumps.

  But there was one question Immie had to ask. “Why did you send dead bunnies to get Theo?”

  Giselda shrugged. “I had a surplus.” She glanced at Baba Yaga. “So who can help us steal ba
ck my necklace?”

  “A professional thief who specializes in procuring supernatural objects,” said Baba Yaga. “Her name is Meckenzie.”

  “Meckenzie? Is that the same chic who—“ Giselda ran a finger across her throat. “Killed Ena?”

  “Well, yeah. To be fair, Ena went off the rails a long time ago. Stealing a dragon’s egg? She’s lucky the dragon Shifters didn’t find her first,” said Baba Yaga. “I’ll go track her down.” The head witch disappeared in a small purple poof this time.

  Immie blinked. Baba Yaga had left her with a pissed-off witch and a kidnapped bear. Damn it. She glanced at the forlorn Theo. Immie had empathy for Shifter, but she had twins, a ghost, a familiar, and a husband who needed to be bunny-free. “You can get those dead things off my lawn, right? We just got the fence put up—to keep out deer Shifters, not dead bunnies. And my garden is ruined.” She eyed Giselda. “Thanks for that.”

  Giselda waved off Immie’s concern. “You’re a creator witch. You can just whip up some more plants.”

  Immie turned to fully face Giselda, her gaze narrowed. “Get those furry undead assholes away from my house, my family, and my town.”

  “Or what?” asked Giselda, putting her hand on her hip.

  “I’ll put an entire forest in this room from the roots all the way to cute woodland creatures, including skunks.”

  Giselda gave Immie an appraising gaze. “I like you.”

  Immie didn’t know if she should be flattered or scared. It didn’t do to be on the radar of a creature that could create such horrific havoc. So, she settled on both. “Uh, thanks, I guess. Now about my yard?”

  “Sure, sure.” Giselda waved. “Bunnies will be gone by the time you get back.”

  “Sooner would be better,” said Immie. “You know, husbear, kids, a lizard named Liz.”

  Giselda laughed. “You have moxy. I ate a witch with moxy once. She went very well with red wine and a side salad.”

  Immie blanched.

  “I’m teasing.” Giselda’s smile seemed to indicate otherwise. She got a thoughtful look on her face. “I lost my necklace once before because I trusted the wrong person.”

  Theo groaned. “Can’t a bear get a break?”

  “Sure,” said Giselda. “I can break all your bones.”

  Theo went quiet.

  “And this has what do with the horde of uncute?” asked Immie.

  “Well, if you scratch my back, I’ll scratch your zombie rabbit problem.”

  “I only have that problem because of you.”

  “So what?”

  Giselda’s attitude scraped her nerves raw. Even though Immie and Tabor had nothing to do with Theo’s bad behavior, they’d been pulled into this love-gone-wrong situation. Immie had her family to think about. And she wasn’t sure she could actually force Giselda to do anything. The witch was centuries older and had power out the wazoo. The further Immie was away from Wild, the less she could draw on the magic of the Great Ash. The town and the protector magic were closely entwined. Shoot. She’d have to play ball with this scorned witch. “What do you want?”

  “Your husband.”

  “The hell you say.”

  Giselda’s eyebrows went up. “Chill out, sister. I want him to help Meckenzie get back the necklace. I can’t send Theo because he’s in a time-out and can’t be trusted. The bear Shifters owe me. Tabor can pay that price.”

  “Don’t do this, Giselda, baby. Sweetheart. Dearest one. We can work this out,” Theo said.

  “Shut up before I gag you with your own socks,” Giselda snapped. “The unwashed ones that are still in the laundry room because you don’t know how to run a damned washing machine.”

  Theo looked down at the floor.

  “I’m simply asking a favor for a favor,” said Giselda. “If you agree to retrieve my necklace, I’ll agree to rid you of the ghoulish rodents.”

  Immie wished she could blow a daisy right up Giselda’s butt until it sprouted from her mouth. No. Not a daisy. A rose. With thorns. She crossed her arms. “Fine.”

  “Until our transaction is complete, I will keep the rabbits at your gate.” Triumph lit Giselda’s face. “Your children will be perfectly safe—if you hold up your end of the bargain.”

  Chapter Five

  Located north of Las Vegas, Nevada, the facility looked like one of a hundred industrial buildings. Row after row of square, cinderblock structures squatted on the white concrete. Meckenzie didn’t know what items were housed in the other buildings, but this one held the big important witch necklace. Supposedly, it was being protected by state-of-the-art security and powerful spellwork, but when the head witch of all witches AKA Baba Yaga tells you to do a job—you do it.

  Even if it meant bringing along a burly cowboy bear Shifter named Tabor Cotton. For a big guy, he was ninja quiet—and he was the lookout/muscle for this little operation. Not that she wanted him. He was a condition she had to accept as part of the job.

  “What’s taking so long, Hack?” hissed Ginger.

  “It’s a ten-digit code, Mrs. Impatience.”

  “Enough,” Meckenzie said, eyeing Ginger and Hack. “Let’s get this done. The guards will approach the checkpoint in less than five.”

  “I’m bored.” Ginger leaned against the wall; her body language screamed defiance. The slender fifteen-year-old runaway had been a champion gymnast on her way to the Olympics. She hadn’t revealed her real name. Instead, She introduced herself as “V.” Um, no. Meckenzie wasn’t going to call the teen by a letter of the alphabet. So she renamed her Ginger, due to her thick red curls, which were currently strangled into a French braid.

  When Ginger was thirteen, her parents died in a car accident and the teenager had been tossed into the foster care system. The problem? She had fae blood. It hadn’t been something the young girl knew about, at least not until she was defending herself against a lascivious foster father. Getting pissed-off enacted her magic and she turned the guy into a toad. In Meckenzie’s book, that was justice. Unfortunately, Ginger had little control over her ability, and was only able to access it when she experienced strong emotion.

  “Hack,” Meckenzie murmured. “We’re at a minute-ten.”

  “Almost there.” Hack was seventeen and a genius with all things tech. He was currently using those skills to help them commit a felony. Hey, she hadn’t corrupted these children.

  They were corrupted long before she found them.

  It’s why they got along.

  A few months ago, Hack had met the wrong undead babe in a nightclub, and she and a couple other vampires decided he’d make a good snack. Meckenzie happened upon the feast in progress, and she staked the two dudes. The woman, she gave a choice: Heart removal or Turning the boy. Dead woman walking opted for Door Number Two. Turning a human into a vampire wasn’t easy. In fact, most humans don’t survive the process.

  Hack made it.

  Meckenzie had met vampires who lived in the world without killing, and she had little empathy for undead shitheads who thought bleeding out a helpless kid was fun. Still, she’d let the blonde go, and then she made a call to a lovely lady named Ash, who ate supernatural assholes for breakfast. Well, their souls at least. Bye-bye Blondie.

  “We’re in,” Hack said.

  She heard a metallic click.

  He twisted the handle and pulled open the tungsten alloy door.

  “You are the man, Hack.” Meckenzie thumped his shoulder as he packed up his gear. “Join Killer in the van and tell him to be ready to put pedal to the metal.”

  “Will do.” He slung the backpack over his shoulder, flashed them a grin, and then took off down the alley, avoiding the cameras mounted to the concrete walls on either side.

  “Don’t you think they’re a little young for this life?” Tabor asked.

  “They’re a little young for a lot of things, big guy, but their age didn’t keep the bad things away. At least with me, I can keep them safe. Teach them a trade.”

  Tabor shook his hea
d. “That’s what community college is for.”

  “Here’s a class for you, Meckenzie’s Rules One-oh-One. First rule, I’m in charge. Rule two, do as your told and we all get out of this without getting caught or killed. Third rule, see rule number one.”

  The bear Shifter held up his hands. “It’s your show.” He crossed his massive arms across his wide chest. “Besides, the sooner we get this done, the sooner I can get home.”

  “You stay here and yell giddy-up or whatever if we’re made.”

  “I’ve never said giddy-up in my life,” said Tabor in his Texas drawl. “I’ll roar the damned building down. How’s that?”

  “Unnecessary. We’d like to get out alive.”

  Meckenzie and Ginger pulled hoods over their heads and then zipped the side flaps so that their faces were hidden. The temperature-controlled material covering them from head to toe would shield them from the thermal detection sensors.

  They slipped inside, leaving the heavy door cracked so they could make a hasty exit. The long hallway before them was dark and eerily quiet. They waited for a few seconds to see if the thermals would pick them up.

  No alarms. Awesome.

  “Third door on the right,” Meckenzie reminded Ginger.

  They walked to the location and Meckenzie used one of Hack’s gadgets to gain entry. The light on the panel turned green, but she hesitated. “Well, that was easy. Give me the stone.”

  Ginger dug around in her fanny pack, a must-have accessory for the thief on the go, and gave Meckenzie a round, white crystal. The fae-crafted quartz had one power—it glowed when it came in contact with magic.

  She put it near the door and it pulsed red. Then it pulsed black.

  Yikes.

  “Red means there’s a curse and black means…?”

  “You’re fucked. Witches would be fried by now.” She returned the crystal to Ginger, and eyed the door. “We have any nullification spells for curses?”

  “Yep.” Ginger extracted a tiny rolled-up scroll. “Probably not strong enough for black magic, though.” She frowned. “We could combo some things. We really shouldn’t have used our last fairy wish on an ultimate dream vacation.”