Becoming Maddie (The Casterhouse series Book 1)

by Hannah Gittins

  This was not going to be pretty.

  Maddie never took her eyes off of him as she felt the familiar fear grow inside her. It was the fear she had to love with when she was ruled by Charles. A big part of it was not knowing what was coming next or which direction the punches would be coming from.

  It was totally crazy to have this feeling around Aiden. He would never hurt her. Although his anger was great, and it freaked her out, Maddie got rid of the fear that made her muscles prepare for a beating.

  As the film ended and the credits started rolling down that screen Maddie hadn’t seen a single second of it. She had just sat there waiting since Aiden had come in, watching him. Wanting him to say something, anything. Just so that she knew a little bit about what was going through his head because right now Maddie had so much going through hers she couldn’t focus on a single one. That didn’t even take into account all the feelings that were burning in her gut or the way her heart was racing almost painfully.

  Aiden, still not looking at her, took her hand and stood. Dragging her along behind him he walked out of the screen and then out of the cinema.

  When she had gone into the cinema the sun was just starting to go. Now it was completely gone and had taken the little autumn heat with it. Maddie had not taken a coat with her and was only wearing a strapless dress. The semi cold air took the breath straight from her lungs. Not that she had a chance to do anything about it, of course. Aiden was on a mission and she was not really in a position to say anything.

  Charles used to drag Maddie along behind him but it was never by her hand. No, Charles liked to drag her by her hair.

  Shaking her head, Maddie tried to get rid of the awful memories that were being brought to the surface by this situation.

  Aiden walked at a pace that was clearly fine for him but her legs were much shorter than his so she had to jog beside him as he wound his way through the little streets that went from the cinema to the centre of the village. Once he reached the open area that was right in the middle of Casterfield he walked to the statue in the middle, Maddie gasping for air behind him.

  “Aiden please.” She panted and tried to pull her hand free.

  Aiden’s grip was too strong. It wasn’t tight enough to hurt her but strong enough that she was not breaking free anytime soon. He walked past the statue to the bench on the other side of it.

  During the day this bench was never empty. All the different walks of life used it. In fact it had almost become quite famous in Casterfield. Apparently once you had sat on it you were thought to be a real member of the Casterfield community.

  Maddie had never sat on it. She had thought about it whenever she walked past it but had not sat down. To sit in that seat would mean that she would be staying in Casterfield. She knew it was a silly legend but Maddie still couldn’t bring herself to do it. Not that it matters because it was never free when she had seen it. This was not exactly how she wanted her first time sitting on it to be, with Aiden raging at her.

  He swung her forward so that she stood in front of him and then moved her backwards so that the bench touched the back of her legs.

  “Aiden.” Maddie tried again.

  He didn’t listen though but instead gave her a little push so that she sat back and down on to the bench. That was it. She had sat on it. Although nothing around her changed she felt different inside herself.

  Shaking her head she ignored the feelings about the stupid bench and tried to fully focus on the man who was now pacing in front of her. What was he going to do or say? He just seemed to get more annoyed when she spoke so maybe it was best that she sat there and waited for him to speak.

  Maddie let her hands rest in her lap and looked down as she intertwined her fingers over and over again. The nervous energy was so strong inside her that she needed to do something, even if it was just a little something. Aiden wouldn’t let her off the bench she was sure so this was her way of trying to get it out.

  Maddie really had made such a mess!

  It was more than clear she had made the wrong choice today. Instead of listening to the loud voice insider her head, the one that had been created by her life with Charles, Maddie should have listened to the quiet one. This voice was small but it was getting stronger every day. Her time with Aiden was making it grow in volume. She had just fallen on old habits and listened to the louder of the two.

  “I am done.” Aiden said as he stopped pacing and standing in front of her, looking down at her head.

  Maddie’s eye’s shot up to look right into Aiden’s. She could visibly see that he meant every word. That he was ‘done’. Maddie’s mouth dropped open as she sucked in air to try and help with the crippling pain she felt in her heart. She had never felt anything like it before.

  Her brain started filling with images of a life without Aiden in it. The feeling of being alone for ever, of not having him whisper things into her ear in bed. No more would he give Marvin rubs down or kiss her till she couldn’t breathe or think straight. No more would he walk up behind her and wrap his arms round her for no other reason than they hadn’t touched in a while. Maddie would never get to hear his laugh anymore.

  Maddie was such an idiot.

  “Aiden.” She almost whimpered as her eyes still looked into his pleading.

  He didn’t move from his towering over her position. He just kept looking at her but she could see his chest rise and fall faster than normal. Aiden wasn’t immune to the emotions filling the air around them.

  Again this situation brought up Maddie’s past. This was a stance that Charles would take as the anger nearly took him over. Now Aiden was using it but he was filled with many emotions and he would never cause her pain.

  “I am done.” He repeated. “I am fed up of being the only one in this.” His hand moved between the two of them. “You have had some of the worst things happen to you and I am not taking away from that, not for a second, but I said we would work through them together. Then something comes up and instead of picking up the phone or waiting till I got home and talking to me, you take the sheets off the bed and wash me away then you run away.”

  Maddie’s mouth opened and closed a couple of times. How did he know about the sheets? How did he know exactly how to hurt her with his words, because that was exactly what he was doing?

  “You didn’t even give me a fucking chance Maddie.” Aiden said stepping away from her and running his hand through his hair. “You use what happened as an excuse all the time. Instead of working through it with me you use it to keep me and everyone else away from you.”

  “Aiden.” Maddie tried to cut in.

  Did she use her past as an excuse? Maddie knew that she was carrying it with her and it weighed so much, but how do you put it down and move on?

  Aiden was saying so much and she wasn’t getting the chance to defend her actions. Not that Maddie thought she could. They were the wrong thing to have done but she would like to try and explain what she was thinking and going through to Aiden.

  “No Maddie.” Aiden said with a sharp snap, turning his head to look at her. “This is my time to talk. Mine time to share what I am thinking. Don’t you think after what you just fucking pulled that I deserve at least this?”

  Biting her lip she stared at him and nodded. Aiden’s eyes focused on her lips before looking away and letting his head fall down.

  Maddie had really hurt him. She hadn’t just pissed him off, she had hurt him. Wrapping her arms around herself again, she swallowed and blinked repeatedly trying to stop the tears.

  Maddie was worse than a bad person.

  “When you washed those sheets, when you went to the bloody cinema did you think about what it would feel like for me coming back to your empty flat?” Aiden growled as he again walked back to stand in front of her looking down at her upturned face. “I thought your bastard ex had taken you somehow, or that my fucking sister and her merry men had decided to finish the job.”

  Maddie let out a sob as she lifted a hand to
her cover her mouth and the tear she had been holding back filled her eyes and over flowed down her cheeks. That hadn’t even crossed her mind. If she was totally honest with herself she hadn’t thought about what he would be thinking when he turned up at her door. All Maddie had known at the time was that she had to get out of there. As quickly as possible.

  “Then Sarah came out and told me what you two had been talking about and how strange you had been acting. I knew straight away what you had done. I used the key I’d had copied and got into your flat. I thought you might be hiding in there.” Aiden said as he walked away from her again.

  Aiden gave Maddie her back as he stood looking up at the statue and carried on talking to her. Maddie just sat there looking at him absorbing every word and every burn that they caused. She deserved that and so much more. She had failed.

  “What did I fucking find when I walked into your bedroom. The sheets that we had made love on gone. Then I found them in the washing machine.” He paused while he ran both his hands through his hair. “I saw the paper on the table. It was on the cinema times. Called a buddy found out what show you were in and now here we are. Me, spilling my guts like a fucking girl.”

  Slowly a little light that had been dying inside her started to brighten up. Aiden had seen what she had done but still came after her. He called what they had done this morning ‘making love’ which was exactly what Maddie thought it was. He was sharing with her how he was feeling and this was a first for him. Did she speak now?

  No, she thought, she should wait until he was really done. Maddie didn’t want to stop him getting everything off his chest but inside her the little light carried on getting bigger. Maddie let it.

  There were several minutes of silence as Aiden stood looking at the statue but Maddie knew he wasn’t really seeing it. Instead he was trying to get what he wanted to say in order.

  “You didn’t call.” Aiden almost whispered as if the words were torn from him. “Before I knew you I didn’t live as a saint.”

  Aiden turned back to look at her but he still didn’t walk towards her. The cold from the night air started to penetrate her skin, really it had penetrated a long time ago but she couldn’t ignore it anymore. She started to shiver but she wasn’t sure it was totally from the cold or the look in Aiden’s eyes. He may have been a bit away from her but she could still read the pain, honesty, anger and hurt in them.

  “There were women before you. I could lie and say there was only a couple but I won’t. There were a lot of woman before you.” Aiden stated and Maddie dropped her head.

  Aiden walked towards her and put a couple of fingers under her chin and tipped her head up so he could capture her eyes again.

  “If you had called or waited till I got home I would have told you that yes there were woman before you.” Aiden whispered. “But there will be none after you because I would never be done with you.”

  Maddie gasped and the air seemed too thick to breath. The light inside her was burning so brightly it hurt. That was the nicest thing anybody had ever said to her before. It could well be the last nice thing she hears from Aiden or…anybody.

  Aiden took his fleece jacket off, swung it behind her and out so that it fell over her shoulders. The warmth from his body sunk into her skin straight away. She almost felt instantly better. Aiden’s rich smell surrounded her and filled her senses.

  How could she throw away what she had with Aiden?

  “How can I stay with someone that doesn’t trust me?” Aiden asked her softly as if he hadn’t just given her his jacket. “How can I be with someone that runs and hides when she hears something she doesn’t like or when things get a little difficult?”

  They were all good questions but Maddie had no idea how to answer them. The words wouldn’t come out of her mouth. She wanted to tell him she was done messing about. That she had had an afternoon without him and, even with everything that happened to her in her life, it was the worst afternoon she had ever had.

  None of this stopped the fear inside her though. It was still there and it still gripped her in a way that the light was struggling to beat it. It had lived inside her for so long there didn’t seem to be a way that she could just let all that fear out safely. This was the gift Charles had given her and it just kept on giving. Could Maddie really ever get rid of that?

  “I know all of this is mostly likely scaring the crap out of you but I need to say it.” Aiden said, once again seeming to know exactly what she was thinking.

  He bent at the knees so that his head was level with hers. He pulled her hands so that her arms were no longer wrapped around herself. Aiden held her hands in his. For a while he just looked at them then he bent and kissed them. Then he looked at her and Maddie’s breath caught at the soft, deep look on his face.

  “For me there is only you.” He said carefully, like he wanted every word to sink in. “From the moment I saw your eyes light up in the hotel I knew I would find you and have you all to myself. Every minute I have spent with you since has made that more and more real for me. I am willing and more than ready to do whatever it takes to make this work. We can take it as slow or fast as you want. I will be next to you every step of the way till you no longer have any fear inside you anymore. I want to fill your world with happiness and love but I can’t do it alone.” He paused again to take a breath. “This is it for me but I need to know if you are in this for real with me. Never again do I want to get home and find what I found today.”

  Maddie blinked as the tears kept falling silently down her face. She was completely captivated by Aiden and his words.

  “So answer me now. Are you with me in this relationship that we are starting?” He asked, Maddie could see the tension in his body. “Or do you want me to stand and leave?”

  Could Maddie do this? Could she make this promise to this beautiful, amazing, prefect man who is offering her a life that would be sensational and all she had ever wanted? Would she be able to put in the heart breaking hard work that would be needed to finally be free of Charles?

  Then she thought again about a life without Aiden in it. It may have only been a couple of weeks but already her life was transformed. There had been really dangerous times happening but there had been more colour than she’d had in her black and white world. The tears had finally stopped falling as she come to a decision that would change her life for ever hopefully.

  Taking a deep breath she said the most heartfelt and terrifying words she had ever said.

  “A life without you is a life I don’t want to live.” Taking another, much needed, big breath she carried on. “For me there is only you and I will work with you to make this happen.”

  Aiden just looked at her but none of the tension seemed to be leaving him. Maddie realised that he was just worried that they were just words to her. She needed to get him to see and feel that they came right from her very soul to his.

  “You were right. I didn’t think about you when I ran today. I was a coward.” Maddie declared. Aiden squeezed her hands in return. “I heard something that I thought was bad and held on to it. I used it to convince myself that we were wrong for each other, that you didn’t feel what I was feeling. Even as I was washing the sheets and leaving for the cinema I knew it was wrong. I knew you would never hurt me. When you sat next to me in the cinema I had already realised I had made a mistake but didn’t know how to make it right.”

  As Maddie kept talking to him the tension slowly slid out of his shoulder and she could see him starting to believe in what she was saying just as she believed in him.

  “I do use my past as an excuse and I need to stop doing that, with you next to me I know I can. I can’t wait till we get bored and routine, I can’t wait for us to be…us”. Smiling at him, Maddie move her head closer to his. “For me there is only you and I will do anything to keep you. I will never again run from us. I am going to throw myself into this fully, I am going to really make this work.”

  Aiden gave Maddie the beauty of a small soft sm
ile that was filled with so much feeling. She knew that her face was reflecting the same thing.

  The only thing was she had more to say but didn’t want to ruin the moment but if they were talking about it she needed to get it out.

  “You need to share with me too.” Maddie almost whispered.

  Aiden raised one brow.

  “You think I don’t share?” He asked.

  Maddie squeezed his hand and kept their faces close together.

  “You share your family with me, you talk to me but you don’t share what you are thinking and feeling. I don’t blame you for what happened today, because that is all on me, but I need you to tell me what you are thinking. This is the most you have shared with me.” Maddie said still whispering, still worried that her words will ruin the moment.

  Aiden looked at her for a moment before closing the gap between them and kissing her.

  It was soft and gentle. It showed her how much he wanted her and that it was more than just the physical between them. Their lips rubbed so sweetly against each other that Maddie nearly started crying again. Aiden pulled back and looked at her again.

  “Okay I will talk more but like you I am used to fighting the world alone so it will take time.” Aiden said. “Thank you for sharing that with me.”

  Maddie bit her lip again because she knew that what she had to say now he might not take very well. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt him or upset him but they had to deal with this stuff before they can move forward, just like he said.

  “I know what I did today was…well…awful and I swear I will never do that again without talking through my problems with you first. Tonight when you sat next to me in the cinema and then when you dragged me here -” Maddie started to explain but was cut off by Aiden.

  Aiden was still crouched down and so close to her face that it was clear that he had understood what she was about to say. The blood was leaving his cheeks and his eyes were filled with regret.