The Trials of the Honorable F. Darcy

by Sara Angelini

  “Fuckity fuck fuck!” she exclaimed. “This was my last white tank top!” Darcy grabbed a bottle of seltzer water while she dabbed at her top with a paper napkin. He wetted a towel and began to press it to her chest. When she looked sharply at him, he snatched his hands back from her chest and gave her the towel. He gave her the bottle of seltzer water and watched as she proceeded to drench her shirt with it. The stain came out but he could see the lacy pattern of her bra underneath. He was beginning to find her sexy.

  The crush of the crowd was becoming too much for him and Elizabeth was looking unhappy as well; her wings were being mangled by other guests.

  He touched her arm and motioned his head toward the door. She looked at him questioningly and he sighed and put his hand on her arm. He pulled her gently toward the front door, squeezing through the crowd. He looked in a drawer in a table by the foyer and found a set of keys; Bingley was so predictable.

  Darcy grabbed her hand and led her down the steps of the house and toward the garage.

  “What are you doing?” she asked warily.

  He held his hand up to her in a reassuring expression.

  “You’re not going to axe murder me, are you?” she said.

  He stopped and assumed a pensive expression, helmeted chin resting on palm, finger tapping against the helmet. After visually debating with himself, he shook his head. Then he threw his hands up in the air and pulled her hand again.

  Not really sure why she was doing it, she followed him. He opened the garage and turned on the light. Elizabeth gasped; Bingley had a car collection! Darcy/Speed jingled the key in his hand and walked confidently to a Ferrari Enzo. She hung back; he turned to her and gestured her to come with him. She followed him and he opened the door for her and helped her get in after removing her wings. He jogged over to the other side and expertly slid in; this was a man with experience in getting in and out of outrageously expensive cars.

  He started the engine and pulled toward the front.

  “Are you stealing this car?” she asked. He laughed and shook his head. He drove out carefully over to the paved road and pointed it toward the private runway, illuminated by the floodlights. He leaned over and adjusted the racing safety harness that crossed over her chest. He revved the engine and looked at her; she looked rather frightened.

  “Do you know what you’re doing?” she asked, her hand gripping the door.

  He nodded. He pointed at his helmet, his gloves, his jumpsuit, and his racing shoes.

  “Authentic?” she asked. He nodded. “Authentic eBay?” she clarified.

  He shook his head and pointed at his chest. Then he put a hand comfortingly on her thigh and squeezed. He gave her a thumbs up and revved the engine again. Then he looked forward and pressed the gas pedal.

  Elizabeth felt her heart lurch as Speed stepped on the gas. Were they going to get arrested? What if he was just a party crasher - oh, bad choice of word - and ruined Bingley’s car? Her worries about liability faded when she began to fear for her life as he increased the speed of the car. Then, suddenly, she was exhilarated. He stepped on the gas again, pushing her back into the seat. As they approached the end of the runway, he lifted the handbrake and sent the car into a controlled spin.

  Inside his helmet, Darcy was grinning widely. It had been a while since he had opened up the Enzo. He had actually sold it to Bingley last year, for a discount provided that he could continue to drive it whenever he wanted it. He expertly set the car into a spin, came out, and accelerated again. Next to him, Elizabeth was laughing and screaming at the same time. He laughed and punched it again. Somehow, he knew she’d like it.

  They tore across the runway again and again, spinning and weaving, until Elizabeth was breathless. Darcy looked over at her as he slowed; she gave him a double thumbs-up and laughed. He nodded and drove the car back to the garage. He pulled her out and helped her slip back into her angel wings. She was looking at him with a smile, still a little breathless. He bowed to her, pulled her hand to his visor, and made a loud kissing noise.

  “Who are you?” she asked. He was about to lift his visor when he thought better of it. Anonymous flirting was fine; letting her know he was Judge Darcy was out of the question. Instead he shrugged and walked her back to the house, his hands behind his back.

  For the rest of the evening he kept her near him and yet he never spoke to her. He stood next to her when she stepped outside for air. He followed her when she perused the food selection, even holding a plate for her. He watched in amusement as she unwittingly caused people to sneeze with her feathers and he caught several glasses when one of her wings brushed against the wine table.

  Jane squeezed out of the crowded dance floor and grabbed Elizabeth’s hand. “Come and dance!” Jane laughed. Elizabeth looked up questioningly at Speed. He shook his head slowly from side to side. No way was he going to try to dance with that helmet on. Instead, he touched her wing.

  “You’re right, I’ve done enough damage,” Elizabeth nodded looking at her wing. “Thanks, but no,” she said to Jane.

  Bingley grabbed Jane’s hand and pulled her back into the crowd with a yelp.

  “You think he’ll slip her the light saber later tonight?” Elizabeth smirked. Darcy laughed inside his helmet. It was getting ungodly hot inside but he couldn’t take it off now. He saw Caroline bobbing on the dance floor; she caught his eye and waved at him, grinning. He raised a hand to her. Elizabeth watched the exchange.

  “Is that your girlfriend?” she asked. He shook his head slowly. Elizabeth’s lips curled into a coy smile and she looked at him from beneath her thick lashes. Over the speakers, Morrissey’s “Ouija Board, Ouija Board” was playing. She hooked her thumbs into her belt loops and swayed her hips slowly to the music.

  Darcy leaned lazily back against the wall, arms crossed. Is she doing a little dance for me? he mused, smirking inside his helmet. Why is my visor fogging up at a moment like this? he wondered as he watched her.

  She bit her lower lip and looked up at him while she swayed her hips in a slow rhythm. He felt himself becoming, er, aroused. This is not good at all!

  She raised her eyes to him and sang a line to him: “The table is rumbling, the glass is moving, no I was not pushing that time.” Her lips caressed each word, tongue darting seductively with each syllable as a playful smirk hovered over her lips. She put her hands up to his helmet strap.

  He stood up straight and caught her hands.

  “P-U-S-H O-double-F,” he wagged his finger to the cadence of the lyric and then rested it on the tip of her nose.

  The sentiment, though teasing, was clear: push off, you’re not going to see my face.

  “Ok, Speed,” she laughed. “Your secret identity won’t be revealed tonight.”

  He gave an inward sigh of relief; at least the alarm had killed his emerging erection.

  Elizabeth looked at the clock and sighed. “I should be going.”

  He thought he saw her give him a subtle inviting glance but he wasn’t sure; not that he could act on it anyway.

  “It was nice sorta-meeting you,” she said as she put her hand out to him. He shook it and held it just a fraction too long. She slipped away and he lost sight of her in the crowd.

  He quickly stepped outside and tore his helmet off; his hair was soaking in sweat and he gulped in the cool night air. A few minutes later Caroline emerged behind him and swatted him on the butt.

  “Miss me?” she asked playfully. He didn’t answer but looked out into the night. “We still have time to use these,” she waved her handcuffs at him. He grinned and shook his head.

  “No thanks,” he answered.

  “I told you I’d make it worth your while and I never break a promise,” she said as she slipped her arms around his waist. She pressed against him and looked at him invitingly.

  “No need, I enjoyed myself. I won’t hold you to it,” he said.

  “But will you hold it...” she pressed against his groin “...against me?” she replied. D
arcy laughed and shook his head.

  “No thanks, Carrie. Not in the mood.” He pushed her gently away and she looked at him in slight confusion and amusement.

  “OK,” she said and took a step back. “Are you OK?” she asked. He nodded.

  “I’m fine. Just a little overheated and dehydrated. I think I’ll head home.”

  ***

  “Is it possible to be completely sexually turned on by someone whose face you have not seen and who didn’t say a word for the whole evening?” Elizabeth asked Lou as he kneaded her back.

  “It depends. Was he 300 pounds?” Lou said.

  “No. I wish I knew what his face looked like.”

  “Have Jane ask what’s-his-name who it was then see if you can get his number,” Lou suggested.

  “Christ, he was sexy!” she sighed. “I thought I felt some chemistry, you know?”

  “With someone who wore a helmet all night,” Lou repeated skeptically. “He didn’t even lift the visor to say goodnight?”

  Elizabeth laughed.

  “No. I’m being stupid, aren’t I? If he didn’t even bother to say anything to me, he couldn’t be interested, could he?” She turned on her side to face Lou as he massaged her arm. “It’s just that, well, it was like he was playing a game. I mean, he didn’t say anything but he didn’t ignore me. He followed me wherever I went, he didn’t dance with anyone, and he didn’t talk to anyone else. I think everyone thought he was my date and I kinda think he wanted to give that impression. What does that mean?”

  “Mmm,” was Lou’s response. Elizabeth rolled back onto her stomach and sighed again.

  Chapter 4

  By the next week, Jane and Bingley were dating. She found him to be sweet and spontaneous, funny and kind. Although she had never lacked for boyfriends, she had never become conceited; it had been a harrowing few weeks when she was unsure of Bingley’s feelings. But the night of the Halloween party had sealed it for her; he had stayed by her the entire night, introduced her to everyone, and had driven her home at 3 a.m. after a serious make-out session in his kitchen.

  For his part, Bingley adored Jane. She was the perfect complement to him. He had always been somewhat flighty and he felt she grounded him a little. She was like a soothing mother to his hyperactive inner child. But he pulled her out of her serenity on occasion: he introduced her to karaoke.

  “Does it have to be karaoke?” Elizabeth asked Jane as she peered into her closet.

  “Yes, it has to be karaoke and, yes, you have to wear these pants,” Jane said as she tossed a pair of black pants to Elizabeth. “Think of it this way: a blind date can’t get any worse than karaoke, so you only have room for improvement.”

  Elizabeth sighed as she pulled on the pants and selected a crisp white blouse.

  “What’s this Richard guy like?” Elizabeth asked. She had mixed feelings about blind dates; they were a sign of desperation and yet she wasn’t getting any dates on her own.

  “He’s very cute, very funny, and likes karaoke. That’s all you need to know,”

  After checking her appearance, Elizabeth decided to undo one more button on her blouse. She added an amber beaded necklace and then turned to Jane for approval.

  “Very sexy,” Jane nodded. Jane herself was stunning in a silver mandarin style dress that stopped six inches above the knee. She was wearing strappy silver sandals and had her long blonde hair swept up in a chignon. Together, they looked like opposites: Jane the sophisticate and Elizabeth the siren.

  The doorbell rang and Jane ran to answer it. Elizabeth gave them a minute to say hello then came downstairs, letting her heels clomp a little too loudly on the stairs.

  “Elizabeth, come meet Richard,” Jane called. Elizabeth saw Bingley, jeans, faded t-shirt and blazer-very nice and Richard, same thing except dark shaggy hair and laughing blue eyes.

  “Hi, nice to meet you,” he said as he held out his hand to shake hers. Elizabeth had a newfound respect for Jane’s ability to attract the cream of the crop in men.

  “Shall we go?” Bingley said and they all piled into his SUV. They drove to a club across town from which, instead of pulsing dance music, floated the strains of karaoke devotees. Elizabeth shook her head in disbelief. Was she actually going to a karaoke bar?

  They filed in and found a table near the stage.

  They started the evening off with a few drinks and cheered as singers boldly took the stage to belt out their favorite songs. After three drinks, Bingley had the courage to leap onstage for a rousing rendition of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’.” Elizabeth laughed as he strutted on the stage, pointing at ladies in the crowd, and rounding up with a finale of jumping up and down on the stage.

  Richard, continuing the Journey theme, did a lusty version of ‘Ask the Lonely,’ with an impressive air guitar solo. Elizabeth was quite sure she saw a woman hand him her phone number as he came off the stage. She raised her eyebrow when she saw Richard tuck the number into his pocket with a grin at the woman. Playboy.

  Jane was next with her version of Kylie Minogue’s ‘Come Into My World,’ spreading her long legs in a rather erotic ‘V’ that seemed to have Bingley completely entranced. She was thoroughly enjoying herself and gave one long leg a kick at the end of the song. The room shrilled with whistles and cheers at the end of her song.

  Four drinks in, Elizabeth was full of bravado; serene Jane wasn’t going to show her up!

  Elizabeth stood on the stage with the microphone in her hand. As the strains of Donna Summer’s ‘Hot Stuff’ began, she turned her back to the crowd, legs spread, and heel tapping to the beat. Then, she turned to the crowd. She thought she would be nervous but the spotlight was so bright that she couldn’t see beyond the first row of tables... it was like she wasn’t even in a room full of people! If she couldn’t see them, they couldn’t see her, right?

  She started to sing:

  With the word ‘tonight’ she raised one arm over her head and ran it over her hair in an expression of repressed desire. She strutted across the stage and with each refrain of ‘hot stuff’ swung her hips suggestively.

  She raised her arms above her head and swung her head to the music. She sunk into a low crouch and sang to the front row, then bounced back up effortlessly. She continued the song in this manner, unexpectedly enjoying herself. She looked at Richard and flashed him a smile. She looked at him when she sang ‘warm-blooded lover’ and smiled again. Her attentions were not lost on Richard; he grinned and shouted ‘spank it!’ Never one to back down from a challenge, she obliged by slapping herself on the ass and looking at him over her shoulder. Applause and whistles followed; Richard’s grin widened.

  She finished off the song with a few swings of her hip and then struck a pose as the last drum beats echoed. She was greeted by thunderous applause and whistles. She laughed and jumped off stage to her waiting table. Jane clutched her hands and Bingley kissed her cheek, both laughing. Richard gave her a congratulatory kiss on the lips that said a little more than ‘nice job.’ Elizabeth sat next to him catching her breath and he put a hand affectionately on her leg.

  Darcy stood at the rear of the club. Bingley had invited him to come along to watch, he knew Darcy wouldn’t sing, and to bring Caroline along but Darcy had refused. He wouldn’t set foot in a karaoke bar without his sister Georgiana, he’d said. But Georgiana was out of town, Darcy was bored, and Bingley was always good for a laugh, so on a whim he decided to join them.

  He was about to start looking for Bingley when he saw the most amazing thing he had ever seen in his life. Elizabeth Bennet was on the stage singing and... undulating... in a very unprofessional manner! He didn’t believe it was her at first but he recognized that smile that she flashed partway through the song. He was stunned.

  Her shirt was open halfway down her chest with a glittering necklace that served only to draw his eyes to her breasts, jiggling under her shirt with every move. Her hair was a wild halo of dark curls around her face - holy Christ did she just slap her as
s? He swallowed with a parched mouth. It couldn’t possibly be her. It just couldn’t. That wasn’t fair; she had no right to be hiding all of - that - under a suit every day, parading it around in front of him where he had absolutely no chance of ever seeing it!

  She finished her number and everyone started to clap. She grinned and bowed like a kid, laughing at herself. He remembered that Bingley was dating Elizabeth’s sister and that Elizabeth had no idea that he had been at the Halloween party. She could have no reason to expect him to show up; meeting her now would only embarrass them both. Darcy decided not to join Bingley after all. He turned quickly on his heel and left.

  Ignorant of the repressed libido that she was enflaming at the back of the room, Elizabeth focused all of her flirtatious attentions on Richard. Jane was right; he was very cute, very funny, and... very cute. But she was conscious of the warning signal in her head that he was a playboy and that he would not likely be around for more than a few weeks. While she liked him, she wasn’t prepared to settle for a one-night stand. So she resolved to flirt and capture his attention but to let it end with that.

  For his part, Richard was attracted to Elizabeth as well, which surprised him. In his job as a fashion photographer, he was surrounded by statuesque women with giant boobs and no hips all the time. It had been his dream job for several years and he had dated models almost exclusively for some time. But the smell of vomit was hard to get out of your head and he liked to eat a good steak once in a while, so he’d stopped dating models. Not that he didn’t still sleep with them.

  She wasn’t a statuesque model by any means. She had freckles across her nose that he thought she’d look better without, but they didn’t spoil her overall appeal. She was funny and had a quick wit. They had absolutely nothing in common but he enjoyed talking to her. He enjoyed kissing her more. He did it as much as she would allow and retreated with good humor when she seemed to think he was moving too fast. No sex tonight, he sighed to himself. He doubted he would call her on his own initiative but he liked her enough to consider another date if it were convenient for him.