600 Hours of Edward

by Craig Lancaster

  It would be easier for me if you would just quit coming around here. Then I would not have to be mean and I would not have to see the disappointment in your face. And perhaps I would not be so disappointed in myself.

  Maybe you could think about this the next time you’re tempted to come over and knock on the door.

  Regards,

  Edward Stanton

  Just before midnight, I slip outside and see the Blue Blaster still sitting in my front yard. I quietly roll it up the driveway and put it inside the garage.

  MONDAY, NOVEMBER 3

  Donna Middleton and Kyle have just told me the funniest story, and we are all laughing hard. I don’t think I have ever laughed so much.

  I glance out onto Clark Avenue from the front porch, and I see my father’s Cadillac going by. My father rolls down the window as he passes and looks at us there, and he shakes his head disapprovingly.

  I stop laughing.

  “What’s wrong?” Donna Middleton asks.

  I don’t say anything, but I reach into the mailbox and fish out today’s letters. There is only one.

  It says Lambert, Slaughter & Lamb, Attorneys at Law, on the envelope.

  I open the letter.

  Mr. Edward M. Stanton Jr.:

  You have broken the agreement set forth with your father regarding fraternization with Donna Middleton. This will have serious consequences.

  Regards,

  Jay L. Lamb

  A wrecking ball crashes into the house my father bought for me to live in, destroying it with a single swing.

  – • –

  It’s 7:38 a.m.

  I am awake.

  I am out of breath.

  I have been awake at 7:38 a.m. 226 times out of 308 days this year (because it is a leap year).

  I am not looking forward to day number 308, the fourth full day without my father.

  I reach for my notebook and pen to record my data. The pen does not work. I reach for backup pen number one. It does not work. I reach for backup pen number two. It does not work.

  I do not believe in omens, as what people call omens usually can be explained as coincidences, and although coincidences are facts, the belief in omens is not a belief in science. People who put stock in omens believe that some mysterious, mystical force is guiding what happens in our lives. I believe in science. I believe in facts.

  But if I did believe in omens, I would not be enthused about the fact that none of the three pens on my nightstand works. Until I get up and find an operational pen, my data will not be complete.

  – • –

  The same perfectly put-together, impossibly pretty secretary is the gatekeeper to Jay L. Lamb’s office. Today, however, I am not waiting alone in an uncomfortable chair to find out my father’s displeasure with me. I am sitting next to my mother, who is also in an uncomfortable chair, waiting to find out what my father has intended for us.

  “Can we go in yet?” my mother asks the impossibly pretty secretary. It is 9:11 a.m. We have been waiting eleven minutes longer than we should have to see Jay L. Lamb.

  “It should only be a few more minutes,” the impossibly pretty secretary says apologetically. “He’s had a conference call that ran a little long.”

  “Thank you,” my mother says, an edge in her voice.

  “Oh, and Mrs. Stanton,” the impossibly pretty secretary says, “I am so sorry about your husband. He was the sweetest man.”

  “Thank you,” my mother says, and now her lips are pursed. I think about Dragnet actor G. D. Spradlin and his mouth tighter than a chicken’s asshole. That’s what my mother looks like right now. I stifle a giggle.

  At 9:16, the impossibly pretty secretary tells us we can go in.

  – • –

  “Maureen, I am so sorry about the wait,” Jay L. Lamb says, getting up from behind his desk to meet my mother. He takes her hand and guides her to a chair. He has never done that with me, and I’ve been here many, many times, although it occurs to me that I never bothered to count them. No matter. I wouldn’t want Jay L. Lamb to touch me.

  “Edward,” he says, nodding at me and gesturing for me to take a seat. As I sit down, he goes back behind his desk and sits in his big office chair, which looks far more comfortable than the chairs my mother and I are occupying.

  “So,” he says, clapping his hands together, “we’re here to go over Ted’s estate and how it will be apportioned. Maureen, of course, you know all of this, being Ted’s wife. Edward, I’ll go over it with you, and please ask any questions if you’re unable to understand.”

  “I’m developmentally disabled, Mr. Lamb. I’m not stupid.”

  Jay L. Lamb looks momentarily dumbfounded, and then he smiles thinly. “Yes, of course. Let’s get on with it, shall we?”

  – • –

  My father is rich—really, really rich. You would be shocked if I told you just how rich, and that’s why I am going to tell you:

  My father has an estimated $27.85 million in assets—that’s stock holdings, savings, pensions, and the like, as Jay L. Lamb tells it—and that doesn’t even include the house and cars and boat and cabin on Holter Lake. As Jay L. Lamb tells it, my father had a remarkable penchant for getting into and out of investments at just the right time. He left the oil business before it tanked in the early 1980s. He invested heavily in tech throughout the 1990s, and then he shifted his holdings before the bubble burst in 2001. He bought a lot of Google stock in the initial public offering and has seen that investment grow. My father, it seems, was as good a businessman as he was a politician.

  Jay L. Lamb explains that, because my mother is my father’s direct survivor, the bulk of the holdings will go to her. “The money, the stocks, the house, the cars,” he says.

  “I have my Mercedes,” my mother says. “I don’t need that Cadillac, too.”

  “You own it, free and clear,” Jay says.

  “But I don’t need it. Edward, would you like to have your father’s Cadillac?”

  “Well, my Toyota Camry did get hit by a careless driver outside Rimrock Mall.”

  “It’s settled, then. The Cadillac is yours.”

  “If that’s how you want to do it,” Jay L. Lamb says.

  “That’s how I want to do it,” my mother replies.

  “OK, let’s talk about Edward,” Jay L. Lamb says. “When Ted bought the house on Clark Avenue, it was in his name and yours, Maureen. The house passes along to you. Ted’s will makes it clear that we’re now to have you and Edward sign a quit-claim deed listing Edward as a co-owner.”

  “What’s a quit-claim deed?” I ask.

  “It essentially says that when your mother dies, the house goes solely to you.”

  “So it’s my house now?”

  “Yours and your mother’s, yes.”

  “It means, Edward,” my mother says, “that you can stay in that house for as long as you like.”

  Jay L. Lamb also explains that my father has set up an annuity for me, with enough money behind it to ensure that my living expenses are taken care of for the rest of my life. My bills will continue to go to Jay L. Lamb’s office, and he will administer my annuity and pay my expenses.

  “You’ll need to budget, of course,” Jay L. Lamb says. “But you have plenty in reserve should you occasionally go over.”

  “How much in reserve?” I ask.

  “Five million dollars.”

  Jay L. Lamb then explains what happens to the money after my mother dies—that some will go to me, some will go to taxes, and that some should probably go to charity while my mother is still alive so that the tax burden is reduced, but I’m not listening all that closely. Five million dollars is more money than I would ever need, I think.

  – • –

  After Jay L. Lamb has finished going over money matters, he asks if I have any questions.

  “Yes,” I say. “My mother says I can stay in the house on Clark Avenue for as long as I want. Does that mean that the memorandum of understanding is over?” />
  “What’s this?” my mother asks.

  “I…I think…” Jay L. Lamb is stuttering, and I’ve never seen him do that before.

  “Last week, the day before Father died, he made me sign a promise that I would not spend time with Donna Middleton ever again, or I would have to move out of the house on Clark Avenue and find a way to pay my own bills,” I say.

  “Who is Donna Middleton?” My mother is sitting forward in her chair.

  “She’s my friend. She lives on my block.”

  “You made a friend on your block, Edward? That’s wonderful.”

  “Yes. If I can stay in the house as long as I want, no matter what, I want to keep being friends with Donna Middleton. That’s why I’m wondering about the memorandum of understanding.”

  “Jay,” my mother says, “what is this memo?”

  Jay L. Lamb reaches into one of his desk drawers and pulls out a green office folder, just like the ones I use to store my letters of complaint. He thumbs through it, picks out a sheet of paper, and hands it across the desk to my mother.

  My mother reads the piece of paper. A couple of times, her mouth drops open. Finally, she turns to me.

  “Your father made you sign this?”

  “Yes.”

  “Jay,” she says, turning away from me and toward Jay L. Lamb, “what is this all about? Why would Ted make Edward sign a document like this? Even if Ted had a problem with Edward’s knowing this woman—and for the life of me, I can’t imagine why—what business is it of yours?”

  “Jay sends me lots of letters,” I say.

  “This isn’t the only one?”

  “No.”

  “Jay,” she says, “you better let me see those letters, right now.”

  – • –

  By the time my mother works her way through the file with my name on it, she is quaking with anger. She reads letters informing me that I have spent too much money, letters summoning me to meetings at Jay L. Lamb’s office, letters correcting me for mistakes made in taking care of the house. I count eighteen of them as she reads them and dismissively tosses them back on Jay L. Lamb’s desk, one at a time.

  “I just can’t believe this,” she says. “How dare you? How dare you, Jay?”

  “Maureen, please, I was acting on behalf of my client.”

  “It’s absurd. It’s positively ridiculous. Did you never think to tell Ted that he was being an idiot for doing this?”

  “Maureen, he was trying to protect everybody—you, him, and of course, Edward. I don’t know. A lot of it seemed to make sense at the time. Ted wanted to separate his duties as a father from his duties as a legal benefactor.”

  “It makes no sense to me. This is his son. If he wanted to talk to his son, he should have just talked to his son.”

  I have never seen my mother so worked up about anything.

  “Point taken, Maureen.”

  “I can’t believe this,” she says, shaking her head. “I can’t believe this was going on and I had no idea about it.”

  – • –

  Eventually, my mother cools off, and she even apologizes to Jay L. Lamb, telling him, “Ted did a lot of dumb things he shouldn’t have done, and I guess I failed in not knowing what some of them were. I understand that you were just doing your job, Jay. But listen to me: Never again. You do what you’ve been hired by this family to do. I will do the talking to Edward. Do you understand me?”

  “Yes, Maureen, I do.”

  “OK, then. Edward, let’s go.”

  We’re heading to the door when Jay L. Lamb says, “Oh, one more thing. I nearly forgot. Edward, this is for you.”

  Jay L. Lamb hands me an envelope with my name written in across the front: “Edward.”

  “What’s this?”

  “It’s from your father. Read it when you get home.”

  – • –

  Because I don’t like Jay L. Lamb telling me what to do—in fact, my mother just instructed him not to do that anymore—I wait until I’m in the parking lot to open the envelope from my father. I turn the ignition far enough to get the stereo playing, and it’s one of my favorite R.E.M. songs playing on the CD I have in the player.

  I fish out the contents of the envelope, and it’s a two-page handwritten letter from my father, in his precise block letters that, when I was a child, I would try to emulate in my own penmanship. I could never do it.

  Dear Edward,

  As I write this letter to you, I do so with the hope that you never have to read it. For one thing, if you’re reading it, it means that I have died. More than that, it means that I did not get a chance to do in life what I’ll do now.

  You have been a challenging man and a challenging son, Edward, and I have not always performed admirably in my role as your father. I never quite figured out how to deal with your mental illness. For a long time, I tried to convince myself that I had tried my best. But I know the truth: I never tried hard enough. When I sent you away from the house in 2000, I did so out of anger and exasperation—I felt like your illness was overwhelming me and that episodes like the Garth Brooks incident were exposing the family to ridicule. I was selfish, Edward. I put myself before you.

  But then something wonderful happened: You thrived in your little house there on Clark, and Dr. Buckley made great progress with you. I was so happy about that, but I was also so sad, because I knew that I had thrown you out of the house and you weren’t coming back. You wouldn’t have wanted to, and I wouldn’t have known how to ask you.

  So even though you got better, you and I got worse. And I need you to know this, Edward: It’s not your fault. It’s mine. I can write this letter and say that, knowing that you aren’t going to be reading it any time soon, but I cannot bring myself to say these words to you in real life. I’ve tried. I am weak. I will keep trying. It will break my heart if you have to read this.

  Edward, I love you. I am proud of you. I know that life can be challenging for you and that it’s sometimes easier to retreat to a place where no one can intrude on you. I understand that. But you have been a great gift to your mother and me. You are a beautiful, gentle, sweet man, and I am proud to be your father.

  You’re the sunshine of my life, Edward, as the song goes. If I never got to tell you when I was alive, I am telling you now.

  I love you, son.

  Ted Stanton

  June 7, 2006

  R.E.M. is telling me that everybody hurts. I can’t leave the parking lot. I can’t see.

  – • –

  I’m home at 1:08—I stayed in the law firm’s parking lot for nearly a half hour, crying and listening to R.E.M. and reading and rereading my father’s letter. I dig around in the refrigerator, but there’s little to eat, since I threw out all my food, a decision that I continue to regret. I retreat to the kitchen table and sort through the surprisingly voluminous (I love the word “voluminous”) amount of mail that I brought in after I returned home.

  It’s mostly advertisements—and a box from Amazon.com, which flummoxes me, until I remember ordering that book He’s Just Not That Into You, which is of little use to me now. One other letter catches my eye. It has the Billings Herald-Gleaner’s logo on the return address.

  I tear it open.

  Dear Edward,

  I was very sorry to read of your father’s passing. He was a good man, and I know how much he cared about you. He’ll be missed by a lot of people.

  I’ve been meaning to drop you a line for a while now, but things have been so busy. When I saw the unfortunate news about your father, I decided that I shouldn’t leave this undone any longer.

  I’d like you to give me a call here at the Billings Herald-Gleaner so we can set up a time to chat. You can reach me at 657-1315. I retired from West last year and took a job here as the operations director. It’s a lot different than teaching high school shop, but I like it so far.

  Anyway, we can talk about my big move and what’s going on with you after you call. Please do, Edward. I’m looking for
ward to hearing from you.

  Best wishes,

  Nathan Withers

  Apprehensively, I dial the number in Mr. Withers’s note.

  “Herald-Gleaner, Withers.”

  “Mr. Withers, it’s Edward Stanton.”

  “Edward, my boy. How are you?”

  “Fine.”

  “Glad to hear it, glad to hear it. Edward, I was stunned to hear about your dad. How are you holding up?”

  “OK, I guess.”

  “It’s hard. You live long enough, it happens. Both of my parents are gone.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Ah, it’s OK. Happened a long time ago. That’s the nice thing, Edward. It doesn’t hurt forever. Eventually, you just remember the good things. That’s comforting.”

  “That sounds nice.”

  “So you got my letter, then. I want you to come see me, Edward.”

  “When?”

  “When is good for you?”

  “I’m busy tomorrow, and I’m helping my mother Wednesday.”

  “How about Thursday, then? Ten a.m.? Will that work?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good, Edward, good. I’m looking forward to seeing you.”

  “Yes. Why do you want to see me?”

  “Let’s talk about that when you get here. I’ll see you at ten a.m. Thursday, OK?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good, good. Take care, my boy.”

  – • –

  Tonight’s episode of Dragnet, the fourteenth of the first season of color episodes, is called “The Subscription Racket,” and it’s one of my favorites.

  In this one, which originally aired on April 20, 1967, Sergeant Joe Friday and Officer Bill Gannon are investigating a ring of young people who pose as students and fraudulently sell magazine subscriptions door-to-door by telling potential customers that the money will go for good causes rather than telling them the truth: the money will go into their pockets.

  Sergeant Joe Friday and Officer Bill Gannon eventually arrest a young couple who are engaging in fraud—the young woman by changing the dollar amount on a check and the young man by using the Medal of Honor his father posthumously won and passing it off as his own. Sergeant Joe Friday takes a dim view of this.