Secret Keeping for Beginners

by Maggie Alderson

  That field, down by the river, remembered Simon. Cornflowers and poppies. The sky growing dark above them. Stars coming out. He’d always wondered what had happened to her.

  Why had he never made the connection between her and Rachel before? He’d known that astonishingly beautiful girl had been to art college and was called Tessa. He’d just never connected her with Tessa, the muralist, or Tessa, Rachel’s sister.

  Simon. That beautiful young man. A sportsman’s body – and stamina. Her blush grew hotter remembering. Why had she never seen him again after that summer night?

  Then she remembered she’d had to leave early the next morning to get a lift. How beautiful he’d looked sleeping and how hard it had been to close the door behind her. She hadn’t left a note because she couldn’t think of anything to say that was special enough. If she didn’t hear from him first she was going to ask her friend where she could find him, but then very soon after – had it even been the following week? – she’d met Tom.

  Simon swallowed. He’d woken late the next day, spent from making love all night, in the bed they’d shared in her guest room back at the house, to find her already gone. Not even a note.

  All the way home in the car he’d planned how he was going to track her down through their mutual friend, but that was just before everything happened – was it even less than a week later? – and his life had changed forever, like a door slamming shut.

  Tessa licked her lips nervously. Should she say something? Remind him they’d met before – and in the most heavenly of circumstances? But how did you say that? Don’t you remember, when we were young, we shagged like crazed rabbits?

  Simon knew he needed to say something. Either to acknowledge their previous encounter, or to fill the increasingly awkward silence that was hanging between them. But how did you say that to a grown woman, the hostess of the house where you had spent the afternoon, a wife and mother, the married sister of your employee? Lovely to see you again, you were the greatest fuck of my life.

  ‘Well, great to, er, see you, Tessa,’ he said. ‘I’m afraid I’ve got to get off now.’

  Oh my, that was an unfortunate choice of phrase in the circumstances.

  ‘Ah,’ said Tessa, at a loss for anything more coherent.

  ‘I was talking to Tom earlier about helping to get some fresh press for Hunter Gatherer,’ said Simon, thrashing around for something to ground the moment in reality.

  He’d been about to mention the proposed lunch, but was struck by an image of sitting at a restaurant table with Tessa, her husband and Rachel. There was no way he could ever do that. It would be way too weird.

  ‘That would be great,’ said Tessa, intensely grateful for the lifeline. ‘I do think the business gets a little bit neglected these days.’

  She trailed off, realising there was a criticism of Tom inherent in that statement, which suddenly felt terribly disloyal and wrong.

  ‘I’ll look forward to hearing more about it from Tom,’ she said firmly, emphasising his name for her own reassurance as much as anything.

  ‘Great,’ said Simon, nodding like a twitching twit. ‘Well, see you later.’

  What had he said now? He had to get out of there.

  ‘Bye,’ said Tessa weakly, as he headed outside.

  She stood in the doorway, watching as he opened the door of a big black car. He had one hand on the steering wheel, his foot up on the door frame, ready to climb in, when he paused and turned back to look directly at her.

  There was something so compelling in his expression. His brown eyes were looking intently at her, and they were filled with sadness. Tessa found herself stepping out of the front door and running over to the car. She didn’t stop until she was right up to him, their bodies almost touching. She laid her hand gently on his.

  ‘I remember you,’ she said, gazing up into his handsome face.

  ‘I could never forget you,’ said Simon, turning his hand over to hold hers. He squeezed it tightly.

  For a moment they stood just looking into each other’s eyes and then without consciously thinking about it, Simon lowered his lips very slowly onto hers. She responded immediately, pushing her mouth against his, before he quickly pulled back, knowing that if he’d stayed there another instant, his tongue would have slid into her mouth.

  She wished it had. It had taken all her self-control not to do it to him.

  Simon looked down and, seeing Tessa’s breasts rising and falling beneath her dress, remembered with complete clarity how they had looked when he had undressed her that summer night, so perfectly high and round, the pink nipples hardening under his fingers. He wanted to reach over and touch them again so much, he had to grip his fists by his side not to do it.

  It was only the sudden thought that three babies had suckled there since – the boys he had just been playing skittles with, for fuck’s sake – that brought him to his senses. They could look out of the library window and see them at any moment. So could Rachel.

  What the hell am I doing? thought Tessa, stepping back a little, so she could no longer feel the warmth of his skin against hers.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ said Simon. ‘I shouldn’t have done that, but the memory was just so strong, it took over.’

  ‘No, I’m sorry,’ said Tessa. ‘I don’t know what came over me either, it was just such a surprise to see you again.’

  He smiled at her, that sad look back in his eyes. ‘A very nice surprise,’ he said. ‘I can’t believe I’ve never made the connection before.’

  He didn’t want to say ‘with Rachel’ but he knew she’d get it.

  ‘I suppose Tessa and Simon aren’t exactly unusual names,’ said Tessa, the words hanging between them after she spoke. Tessa and Simon. Is that what it might have been? Have you heard the great news about Tessa and Simon? Let’s ask Tessa and Simon over. That’s where Tessa and Simon live.

  ‘Well, I’d better get going,’ he said, summoning all his resources to behave normally.

  ‘Have a good trip,’ said Tessa.

  Simon got into the car, turned on the ignition and lowered the window. There was another frozen moment, gazing into each other’s eyes, neither wanting to break the spell. In the end it was Simon who did it, buckling his seat belt, then turning back to Tessa again.

  ‘It’s good to see you again,’ he said quietly.

  Tessa just nodded, silently, tears suddenly filling her eyes. Then he released the handbrake and accelerated away, his arm out of the window in a final salute as he turned onto the road.

  Tessa stayed in the same spot in the drive for a few moments after he’d gone, just watching the dust settle.

  Cranbrook, 8.25 p.m.

  Tom looked around the dining room, smiling. The table was crammed with people talking, laughing, drinking wine, relishing Joy’s food and generally having a relaxed good time. It was what that room was made for – what the whole house was made for. He just wished it happened more often.

  He glanced over at Tessa who was chatting with Joy and Rachel, and looking even more beautiful than usual. Perhaps it was Natasha’s expert make-up, but Tom thought it was more to do with being surrounded by people she loved and felt entirely at ease with. And there were fewer and fewer of those.

  They hardly ever entertained any more. Tessa just couldn’t handle a lot of random – as she called them – people in her space. Even friends they’d known since they first moved to Cranbrook more than twenty years ago.

  Tom worried about her. He knew that when he went away for work she often didn’t leave the house for several days. Waitrose delivered and if the weather was fine the boys cycled to school and back again, so she didn’t even need to do the school run any more.

  So she could spend the entire day working on a group of tiny insects on a wall in a dark corner of the library, or grubbing about in the back of the salvage sheds. She’d always been happy in her own company, lost in her work, but this was getting unhealthy.

  And now Finn had told him he wanted to b
e a weekly boarder at the grammar school all three boys attended. His house master had suggested it, quietly telling Tom he thought it would greatly reduce the aggravation between the emerging young man and his parents, and improve his behaviour in general if Finn spent four or five nights a week away from them. Then when he did go home, he’d appreciate it more.

  Increasingly distressed by the tension between himself and his oldest son, Tom thought it was an inspired idea. But how would Tessa take it? Especially as Archie had got wind of the plan and thought he’d like to try this weekly boarding lark too. In two years’ time Hector would be old enough to join them and then Tessa would be entirely alone all week with just her paints and imaginary creatures for company. That wasn’t a good idea. Not at all.

  Tuning back into their conversation, Tom heard Joy telling Rachel how much she’d liked her friend Simon.

  ‘He’s not my friend, Mum,’ said Rachel. ‘He’s my boss. I work for him.’

  ‘Can’t you be friends with someone you work with?’ asked Joy. ‘I had a wonderful time in Brisbane doing catering with Pattie and we’re still great friends. In fact she’s coming over to stay with me later this year. I don’t know why you have such a hostile attitude towards Simon, Rachel, you seem quite blocked about him.’

  Tom was watching Tessa as Joy spoke and saw her becoming increasingly distracted by what was happening at the other end of the table, where Ari was sitting on Finn’s knee, teaching him clapping games.

  Tessa adored the way his young cousins still brought out the boy in Finn, his sweet and playful true nature. It was like having her adored boy back for a while whenever they visited and she wanted to make the most of it. She got up from her seat to go and join them.

  She also wanted to get as far as possible from the subject her mother had just brought up with Rachel – Simon. That was still way too weird to deal with. She felt guilty for even letting the thought of him pass across her mind.

  What if Rachel ever found out? He wouldn’t tell her, surely, would he? What a hilarious coincidence – I shagged your sister years back, in a field, ha ha ha. Maybe she should have said something, asked him not to mention it. But somehow she didn’t think he would. The look in his eyes had been so sincere. Not at all the triumphant gaze of a cocksman laying his eyes once more on a youthful conquest.

  An image of Simon’s face suddenly popped into Tessa’s mind, so vivid and clear, a shiver passed over her. He had such pretty eyes for a man. It was the only word for them, a sort of golden brown, deep-set, and the way they crinkled up when he smiled was just so appealing. She pulled a heavy shutter down on that line of thinking and locked it.

  Tom watched Tessa walk past the table, smiling to himself. She thought she was fat. Sure, she was carrying a little more weight than before she’d had three kids, but it just made her look sexier. Ripe.

  Her deliciously round bottom moving beneath the soft fabric of her vintage dress made Tom feel immediately turned on. Some pleasant X-rated images of Tessa in the lovely underwear she always wore flashed through his mind. She was his wife, he was allowed to think dirty about her.

  He was surrounded by attractive young women working in production on the TV show and the producer was a fine-looking alpha female who took very good care of herself, but while Tom enjoyed having them around and even indulged in a little bit of harmless verbal flirtation, none of them turned him on like Tessa still did.

  A couple of the TV crew had made it quite clear they were up for it, but he’d never been tempted. He knew other guys in telly who took full advantage of all that was on offer, but his work life was so sweet Tom wasn’t going to do anything to jeopardise it. Or, more importantly, his family.

  Thinking about work made him turn his attention back towards his mother-in-law, who was still on the subject of Simon Rathbone.

  ‘I do think it would be good if he could talk to Tessa about her mural work,’ she was saying, and Tom saw Rachel cross her eyes with frustration, clearly wanting a break from talking about anything to do with work.

  But it had given Tom an idea. He’d follow up that suggestion of Rathbone’s about getting some dedicated press for Hunter Gatherer, separate from the ‘Tim Chiminey’ brand, then get Tessa to take it on as a project.

  She was always hinting that he was neglecting ‘their real business’, as she called it, in favour of the telly stuff, so why not manoeuvre things so that it gradually became her responsibility?

  They’d set it up together in the first place, so it wasn’t like she didn’t know how it all worked. It was a shame the way she’d drifted away from it when they’d had the kids and after a certain point, she just seemed to lose her confidence around it.

  He knew she still loved the whole salvage thing, she was always poking around the yard looking at the stock and re-organising it to look prettier. Getting involved with it again would get her out of the house, mixing with people, and if Rathbone could also get her commissioned to do some murals, that would be great too. She needed an identity of her own again, not just as the Chenery boys’ mum and Tim Chiminey’s wife.

  And it wouldn’t do his image any harm to have a wife who was a well-known salvage dealer and/or muralist either. His agent, Barney, had explained to him how the leverage of a power couple was so much greater than the sum of its parts. Tessa certainly had the looks to carry it off, she just needed to get her professional sense of self back.

  He’d set up that lunch with Rathbone and Rachel as soon as possible. Plan.

  Rachel thought she would actually go mad and run screaming around the room like a banshee if her mother mentioned Simon one more time. Joy had glommed on to him as a project, the way she sometimes did with people, and it could drive you potty until she got over it.

  ‘It’s going to happen, Mum,’ she said, hoping to achieve with mollification what she’d failed to do with irritation. ‘Tom and Tessa are going to have lunch with me and Simon very soon, aren’t you, Tom? We’re going to get them some fresh press coverage for the salvage yard – which I do think is a great idea, Tom, by the way and not just because I thought of it – and I’ll make sure the mural thing comes up, as well. OK?’

  ‘Definitely,’ said Tom, ‘we all agree with you, Joy. Tessa needs to get out there again, using her talent. And there isn’t really any more wall left for her to paint in this house, so she’d better move on to someone else’s.’

  Rachel put her arm around the back of her mother’s chair and gave her brother-in-law’s shoulder a friendly tweak. He glanced at her behind Joy’s head and winked. As so often, his easy charm had done the trick.

  ‘Right,’ said Rachel. ‘I think it’s pudding time, don’t you, Mum? You stay where you are – or move to another seat, if you feel like it. I’ll get the kids to help me clear the plates and bring it in.’

  ‘Ah yes,’ said Joy, her gaze suddenly fixed on the end of the table, ‘I think I would like to sit with Branko for a while.’

  Clocking the look in her eye as she said it, Rachel mentally wished him luck. Joy would be cleansing his chakras before he’d finished his chocolate mousse.

  Daisy was upstairs in the spare room, sitting cross-legged, playing with Polyvore on Natasha’s iPad. Natasha and Mattie were lying on the floor on either side of her, making comments and suggestions.

  ‘I just don’t like that shoe for you,’ Daisy was saying, changing Natasha’s choice of a pointed flat to some dizzying heels.

  ‘But it’s all about the glamour flat this season,’ Natasha said, laughing. ‘And I’m wearing tight red leather trousers in this outfit already, I’ll look pretty cheap in high heels with those.’

  ‘Flat shoes are for losers,’ said Daisy. ‘As soon as I’m allowed to wear high heels I’m never going to wear flat shoes again. I’m going to burn them all on a big bonfire. When will I be allowed to wear them, do you think?’

  ‘You’ll have to ask your mum,’ said Natasha.

  Daisy pulled a face. She was still furious that Rachel had made her
eat dinner upstairs on her own as punishment for hitting Ari over the head with a skittle. She’d refused to listen to her explanation of how annoying Ari was being about winning and Daisy had missed out on everything as usual. It so wasn’t fair. Ari would always wear flat shoes. Ari was a flat shoe.

  Natasha understood though. She’d sneaked up earlier to give Daisy her iPad to play with and as soon as she’d been able to escape from the dining room she’d come up again to hang out with her, bringing a big bowl of chocolate mousse and Mattie with her. Daisy thought Mattie was really really nice.

  ‘I’m going to do an outfit for you now, Mattie,’ she said. ‘Where are you going?’

  ‘I’m going out dancing,’ she said.

  ‘Where?’

  ‘A really cool club.’

  ‘In London?’

  ‘No, in Rio.’

  ‘Oooh,’ said Daisy, ‘that’s in Brazil isn’t it? Where the Olympics are going to be. They like the beach there.’

  Mattie turned to Natasha and made an impressed face. Natasha smiled back at her, the proud auntie.

  ‘Actually,’ said Mattie, ‘the club I’m going to is on the beach.’

  ‘That is so cool,’ said Daisy, her eyes opening wide as the possibilities sank in.

  She quickly tapped the word ‘bikinis’ into the search box. Mattie and Natasha laughed out loud.

  ‘Are you going to make me wear high heels with my bikini?’ asked Mattie.

  ‘Yeah,’ said Daisy, as though it was the dumbest question she’d ever heard.

  ‘I won’t have much fun dancing on the sand in heels,’ said Mattie.

  ‘I’ll make them wedges,’ said Daisy, selecting a pair of vertiginous multi-coloured Christian Louboutins.

  ‘I want a lot of gold chains,’ said Mattie, ‘around my waist and my ankles.’

  ‘Nice,’ said Daisy. ‘And a big hat. You might get sunburnt.’

  Mattie lay back on the floor and looked up at the ceiling. Tessa had painted the Milky Way across it, with the Southern Cross, in luminous paint, so it glowed.