Secret Keeping for Beginners

by Maggie Alderson

  Just before they reached the edge of the orchard, Simon looked ahead and felt reality racing towards them. He stopped and turned to Tessa, who immediately faced him, reaching to find his other hand.

  ‘We’ve got to leave the enchanted kingdom,’ said Simon.

  ‘I know,’ said Tessa, smiling sadly at him.

  Then he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her body against his, lifting her slightly off the ground. She felt the entire outline of him, pressing onto her, as though it were making an impression on her body, like a mould on clay.

  She lifted her face and even with her eyes closed she knew his lips were coming towards hers. When they met, it was almost like an electric shock, the wave of desire that flooded through her and then they both immediately pulled away.

  It had seemed so easy and simple sitting in the orchard, like that, just holding hands, but this one, fairly chaste, kiss immediately brought all the complications rushing back. They dropped each other’s hands at the same moment.

  ‘Let’s go in,’ said Tessa, ‘Mum will be waiting for us.’

  Joy certainly was waiting for them. At some cost to her physical comfort, she was standing on her crutches in the courtyard by the kitchen door, because she wanted to watch them come in together, to be sure she hadn’t imagined the whole thing.

  One look at the two of them, walking along, their cheeks flushed pink, but small frowns between their eyebrows, and her fears were confirmed. In fact she wondered if it wasn’t already a lot worse than she’d first thought.

  ‘Is Jack not with you?’ she asked, just to fill the heavy silence.

  ‘Oh, no, I think he’s staying in the office,’ said Tessa.

  ‘Well, please come and give me a hand. The veggies are ready to come out of the oven, but I can’t get down there to do it, although I did manage to get the rolls in. They’ll be ready in about five minutes.’

  ‘Sit down, Mum,’ said Tessa, rushing in to help, quite glad to be busy, because it would stop her thinking. ‘I think you’re overdoing it.’

  ‘What can I do?’ asked Simon.

  ‘Put these on the table, please,’ said Tessa, passing him a handful of cutlery and three plates, then quickly pulling the roasted vegetables out of the oven and putting them on a large platter.

  ‘There’s parsley chopped to go on top of those,’ Joy said, ‘and I toasted some almonds.’

  ‘Oh, Mum,’ said Tessa, ‘you shouldn’t have done all that.’

  ‘It’s harder for me not to,’ said Joy. ‘But I will sit down now.’

  She started lowering herself slowly onto a chair and Simon rushed to help, taking her crutches and propping them against the dresser.

  ‘Anything else, Tessa?’ he asked.

  ‘No, I think we’re all ready,’ she replied, putting a bowl of salad and a cheese board on the table.

  ‘Would you mind if I just go and change quickly before we eat?’ asked Simon, but his words were cut off by the shrill ringing of a bell.

  ‘That’s the rolls ready,’ said Joy, smiling brightly. ‘Could you wait until after lunch, Simon? It would be such a shame not to eat them while they’re warm.’

  She wanted to get this over with and it wouldn’t do any harm for him to be uncomfortable in that boiler suit. Tom’s boiler suit.

  Simon couldn’t see how blazing hot rolls could get cold in the time it would take him to put his shirt and trousers on, but he nodded and smiled politely.

  ‘Of course,’ he said, ‘but I will just wash my hands, if you don’t mind.’

  He headed out to the loo, while Tessa continued to fuss about, getting the salt and pepper, pouring a glass of water for each of them and putting a bowl of cherry tomatoes on the table. Joy left her to it. This was no time for chat.

  ‘Well, this all looks lovely,’ said Simon, coming back a few minutes later and leaning over the table to breathe in the delicious aroma from the hot bread. ‘Mmm, they smell amazing. Did you really make them, Joy? With your hip and everything?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Joy, not bothering to explain they were a batch from some time ago, which had been in Tessa’s freezer. She wanted them to squirm. The more uncomfortable they felt, the more truth they would spill out. This had to be sorted.

  ‘This all looks splendid,’ Simon was saying, valiantly trying to fill the vacuum, as Tessa served them all with the roasted vegetables and Joy passed round the salad. ‘I’ve been dreaming about your food since the last time I was here.’

  Joy just smiled at him, rather coolly, he thought, and said nothing. He didn’t remember having to work so hard with her last time, then thought things might be looking up, when she reached over and patted his hand.

  Tessa noticed how quiet her mother was and began to feel anxious. When she saw her fingertips lingering on top of Simon’s hand her heart sank. Tessa had a very good idea what was coming. She wondered if she could escape, using the excuse of needing the loo herself and had just started to lift her bottom off the chair when Joy spoke.

  ‘Stay where you are, Tessa,’ she said.

  Simon picked up on the tension and put his cutlery down, a large piece of roasted squash still speared on the fork.

  ‘So,’ said Joy, ‘I don’t mind which one of you tells me, but I would like to know what’s going on between you two.’

  Tessa closed her eyes as the worst-case scenario unfolded before her. Simon’s mouth fell open in surprise, but he quickly recovered himself.

  ‘Whatever do you mean?’ he asked, remembering the key tactic. Always answer a tricky question with another question.

  ‘Don’t be slippery with me, Simon,’ said Joy. ‘I used to be married to a politician who ate the toughest radio presenters for breakfast. I know something’s going on between you two and for everybody’s sake – including your own – I would like to know what it is, so I can help you prevent any damage.’

  ‘Muuum,’ said Tessa, feeling and sounding about fourteen.

  ‘You’re a grown woman, Tessa,’ said Joy. ‘A mother and a wife. Please act like one. Whatever’s going on, telling me will take a lot of the power out of it and you’ll be able to control it more easily.’

  Simon turned to Tessa and appealed to her for help with his eyes. She shrugged.

  Simon tried another version of the question tactic.

  ‘What sort of thing do you think it might be?’ he asked, tentatively.

  ‘That’s what I want you to tell me,’ said Joy. ‘And no more questions as answers. Come on, one of you, it doesn’t matter who. Start at the beginning.’

  Simon looked at Tessa again. She closed her eyes and nodded. There was nothing else for it, he’d have to tell her.

  ‘Twenty-five years ago,’ he started, meeting Joy’s gaze steadily with his own, ‘I met the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen at a party in Devon. We danced together for hours and then we went out into the garden and found our way down to a meadow by a river and we made love there. Then we went back to the room she was staying in at the house and made love again. All night. It was the most beautiful experience of my entire life, but when I woke up the next day, the girl was gone and I had to leave too and …’

  He turned to glance at Tessa, who was looking at him with tears in her eyes.

  ‘I meant to find out who she was, from the friend who had invited us both to the party so I could get in touch with her, but then …’

  He looked at Tessa again. How much to tell them?

  ‘But then some other things happened very soon after and I was too distracted to follow it up, and then it seemed too late and I had to be content with accepting it as one perfect moment in my life, never to be revisited.’

  He paused, sighed and picked up his glass of water. He took a long drink and after he put the glass down, he felt Tessa’s hand come under the table and find his. He squeezed it tightly.

  ‘Stop that, you two,’ said Joy. ‘I can see what you’re doing.’

  Simon glanced at her, surprised at her sharp tone, and let go o
f Tessa’s hand.

  ‘Go on, Simon,’ said Joy, more gently.

  ‘Then I came here that day – when was it, just over a month ago?’ he turned to Tessa again. She nodded.

  ‘I came here for the shoot, with Rachel – who works for me …’

  And please don’t tell her any of this, I beg you, he thought, but it wasn’t the time for that. He’d have to bring that up with Joy later. Just get this over with now.

  ‘… and just as I was leaving, that day, Tessa came down the stairs and I recognised her as the girl from the meadow in Devon.’

  Joy sighed and turned to Tessa. ‘Is that how you remember it?’ she asked.

  Tessa nodded.

  ‘And you never went looking for him either?’

  ‘I met Tom the following week,’ said Tessa in a whisper.

  She turned to look at Simon and as their eyes met again, tears started rolling down her cheeks. Simon’s hand immediately went to his pocket for his handkerchief, but it was in his suit trousers. He was still wearing that bloody awful boiler suit. Tessa’s husband’s boiler suit. Oh, this was too awful. Joy had made him keep it on deliberately, as a pointed reminder. Another man’s property.

  ‘So you re-met that day for the first time after all those years?’ said Joy. ‘That must have been quite overwhelming.’

  ‘It was,’ said Simon, relieved to hear something more like her usual kindness back in Joy’s voice. ‘Particularly for me as I haven’t had much in the way of relationships since then – and particularly for Tessa, because she has.’

  He looked straight into Joy’s eyes and she smiled at him. He was a good man. She hadn’t been wrong about that, but she still had to find out how far things had gone. She had to protect her daughter from ruining her own life and several others with it.

  ‘So have you seen each other since that day here?’ she asked, dreading what the reply might be.

  ‘Only once,’ said Tessa, wiping away her tears with a napkin. ‘We had lunch with Rachel and Tom in London to talk about the business.’

  ‘That must have been difficult,’ said Joy.

  ‘We drank a lot,’ said Simon.

  ‘That can make things worse,’ said Joy.

  Simon and Tessa glanced at each other.

  ‘It nearly did,’ said Simon, wishing he had a drink at that moment. ‘You’re very wise, Joy,’ he added, leaning on the table, looking up at her, his chin in his hand.

  ‘I’m just very old,’ she said, thinking he looked about twenty, sitting like that. She could see how dashing he must have been as a youth.

  ‘Mum picks up on a lot of things most people miss,’ said Tessa. ‘She’s very intuitive.’

  ‘I’ve noticed that,’ said Simon. ‘Is there anything else we can tell you, Joy? I know you have everyone’s best interests at heart.’

  ‘Thank you for understanding that, Simon,’ she said. ‘So just to get it straight, nothing has happened between you, apart from those two meetings and today – you haven’t taken it any further?’

  ‘I kissed Tessa in the garden just now,’ said Simon, feeling he had nothing to lose. ‘On the lips, but no tongues.’

  Joy looked at him steadily, an amused look in her eyes.

  ‘You’re right to mention that,’ she said, ‘the tongues … if there were no tongues, you haven’t broken the seal.’

  ‘The seal?’ asked Simon.

  ‘The seal of trust,’ said Joy, as though it should be obvious. ‘You’ve stayed just on the right side of it. Just. Oh, I’m so relieved. That makes all this so much easier to handle. Let’s finish our lunch and then have tea in the sitting room. I need to lie down flat for a bit. I would suggest wine, Simon, but you’ve got to drive back.’

  ‘Tea’s fine,’ said Simon, ‘as long as I can have another of those flapjacks with it, but before I eat my lunch, I’m going to change back into my own clothes, if you don’t mind now, Joy?’

  She chuckled. She knew he’d rumbled her ruse and just liked him all the more for it.

  By the time they were onto a second pot of tea, Simon felt like he was on some kind of high. More like they’d been drinking wine than Earl Grey, there was such an overwhelming sense of relief. He felt he could unclench his stomach for the first time since the shock of that sudden encounter with Tessa – and right after he had that thought, he told Joy and Tessa about it.

  That was a dizzying revelation in itself. To talk about his feelings, openly and immediately with other people, without constantly checking himself. He felt quite giddy.

  ‘I feel the same,’ said Tessa, curled up on a sofa.

  Joy was sitting with her legs stretched out on the sofa opposite. Simon was sprawled in an old club chair, the leather all cracked and falling to bits. He wondered what stinking skip Tessa had got it out of, but it was comfortable, he had to admit that.

  ‘I’ve hardly felt I could breathe, since it happened,’ Tessa was saying. ‘I’m not used to keeping secrets. I had no idea it took up such a lot of energy. How do people have affairs and live like that?’

  Simon said nothing. For a blink of a moment he was tempted to let go entirely. To tell them that he’d been living with secrets most of his adult life, but no. This venting with Joy and Tessa had been liberating and wonderful, but he feared that if he took it any further it would be spoiled. He wanted to keep this happy light feeling going as long as he could.

  ‘I’ve often asked married friends who have affairs that very question,’ he said. ‘Who needs it?’

  ‘Some people get a kick out of all that,’ said Joy. ‘It’s the danger and risk they find exciting, as much as the person, but it’s a very selfish pleasure. You two have done very well to resist.’

  ‘I don’t feel like I did entirely,’ said Simon, ‘because I confess I did allow my grubby male mind free rein to imagine certain things in great detail. Sorry, Tessa.’

  She smiled and shook her head indulgently, feeling so happy that she hadn’t even blushed. If he’d said that to her a few hours before, she would have foamed at the mouth with mutual desire.

  Joy laughed. ‘That just makes you a normal healthy man and I think it makes your self-control even more commendable. You wanted to do something very much and you didn’t do it. What do you think gave you the strength to hold back?’

  ‘All the same reasons as Tessa,’ said Simon. ‘Her children, her husband – her self-respect, my own. And I had another motive to keep me strong, which is that I value Rachel so highly on my staff.’

  He let his words hang there. He had to bring Rachel up, so he could risk-manage that situation. Make them both vow never to tell her what had happened between him and Tessa, but that was it. He definitely wasn’t going to open up about the added complication, even during this truth-fest. Your daughter/sister Rachel who I admire so much professionally and who also reduces me to a gibbering mess of testosterone lust jelly and adolescent crush.

  He noticed Joy was looking at him very intently and hoped she wasn’t about to have another of her spooky insights.

  ‘It’s very important Rachel doesn’t ever find out about this, don’t you both agree?’ he added.

  Tessa nodded.

  ‘So none of us will tell anyone else about any of this, ever. I’m assuming that’s agreed between us?’ he said. ‘Keep it safely behind that mystical seal of yours, eh, Joy?’

  She didn’t reply, just looked at him thoughtfully.

  ‘Please tell us you agree to that, Mum,’ said Tessa, sounding as anxious as Simon. It was one thing for the three of them to talk it out like this, but she was banking on that being the end of it. Cone of silence.

  ‘Of course,’ said Joy. ‘I’m just considering how to manage the situation with regard to Rachel. I know how much her job means to her and we must be very careful for her sake.’

  Because she’s already dealing with Natasha’s terrible selfish mistake. She doesn’t need another sister’s folly complicating her life as well.

  ‘So I’m not sure you tw
o should work together on this publicity drive for the salvage yard,’ Joy continued. ‘The less you see of each other the better. No risk of cosiness.’

  Simon and Tessa both nodded their agreement.

  ‘Couldn’t Rachel do it for you?’ Joy asked Simon. ‘Wasn’t that the original plan?’

  ‘She’s already told me she doesn’t want to,’ he said. ‘She’s uneasy about mixing work and family and, I must say, I think she’s right.’

  Joy smiled. Rachel was a canny girl.

  ‘Is there anyone else on your staff you think would be right to do it?’ asked Tessa, feeling secretly relieved on several levels.

  She knew Simon didn’t really like or understand the things she loved most about Hunter Gatherer and, as well as the personal complications, she’d been concerned whether it was going to work out with him running the campaign.

  Simon sat and thought for a moment. Even apart from the weirdness with Tessa, he knew deep down he hadn’t felt entirely comfortable with the whole scenario of Rathbone & Associates representing Hunter Gatherer from the outset. He’d just been bowled along by the prospect of getting some additional cash into his strained coffers, but while he understood how fashionable it was, how could he sell something he didn’t even want to touch? Or inspire one of his other staff to do it?

  ‘In all honesty, I really don’t think there is anyone on my team apart from Rachel who could do it justice,’ he said, ‘and while it nearly kills me to turn away a nice chunk of business, I do think it might be better if I recommend another agency for you, Tessa. One which will fit much better with your set-up than mine.’

  She smiled at him. So relieved he felt as she did and was being honest about it.

  ‘Thanks Simon,’ she said, ‘I could see how you felt about my stuffed birds.’

  ‘Stuffed is the word,’ he said, grinning back. ‘I’m a bit of a clean freak, in all honesty.’

  ‘Definitely not right for Hunter Gatherer, then,’ said Tessa. ‘We only like things that are really properly befouled.’