by Nikki Chase
If anything, seeing the two of them together has only made my resolve stronger. As lovable as I find both of them, I know for sure now that I can’t give Eli the life that he wants.
Eli
As usual, Nicole starts to doze off about halfway through the movie, her little head sliding down until it rests against my arm. Typical.
Now that I think about it, when she talks about that troll movie, she only mentions the beginning.
I wonder if she also fell asleep before completing the movie. Maybe it has some redeeming bits toward the end, but she just wasn’t awake to see them.
I grab the knit throw my mom has draped over the arm of the couch and put it on Nicole. When the movie’s over, I’ll wake her up and carry her upstairs into her room to continue sleeping.
After that, Sophia and I can have some uninterrupted adult time. We can talk about how well this first meeting has gone and imagine our future together in the dark.
Of course, I also look forward to peeling off those layers of clothes hiding her beautiful figure.
It’s great that winter has brought us together, but I can’t wait until spring when Sophia will show more skin in short sundresses and low-cut blouses.
Maybe I can order her to go commando one sunny day and take her to the quiet side of the woods. Push her against a tree when she’s got her guard down. Flip her skirt up and just fuck her right there like we’re animals.
Vibrant colors fill the TV screen, but I haven’t been paying attention to the plot for a while now. I’ve been too busy with my own thoughts.
Maybe I can tuck Nicole in sooner than I planned if Sophia isn’t watching the movie either.
I turn to look at her.
To my surprise, she has tears in her eyes, and she’s stealthily wiping them away with the back of her hand.
That’s adorable. Maybe it’s a good, touching movie after all.
I drag in a deep, satisfied breath.
This is exactly what I want every night to look like. Just Sophia, me, Nicole … and a few more little ones of our own.
So far, I haven’t considered moving out of my family home because it’s more convenient this way for my mom and me to take turns looking after Nicole.
But now that Nicole’s older, maybe she’ll be fine living with just my mom.
When Sophia and I get our own place, would Nicole want to come live with us? I think I’d prefer it if she stayed here with my mom so she won’t be lonely, all on her own.
Sophia grabs some Kleenex from the small table next to her and glances at me.
I give her a smile and whisper, “Is the movie sad?”
Sophia says nothing. She just stares at me, tears rolling down her cheeks, unstoppable.
“It’s just a movie,” I whisper again. “Don’t cry.”
Sophia lifts the Kleenex up to her eyes and puts it up against her nose without taking her gaze off me.
I frown.
She’s no longer even looking in the direction of the TV, but she’s still crying. Harder, if anything.
I grab the remote and press the mute button. “Is anything wrong?”
“I’m sorry, Eli,” she whispers, her voice punctuated by sniffles.
“For what?” I ask. “I’m not angry at you about anything.”
“Not now. But you probably will be,” she says softly.
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m not the right girl for you, Eli,” she says, her shoulders shaking as she starts to sob.
“Of course, you are.” Fear creeps into my heart, filling it with the familiar darkness that has been my friend for the past seven years. “Sophia, can you please tell me what’s going on? What makes you say that?”
Sophia doesn’t say a word, even as the heartbreaking sounds of her crying interrupt the silence every now and again.
“Sophia, please. I’m going crazy over here.”
“I’m broken, Eli,” she says, her voice shaking. “I’m not right for you. You should find some other girl. Someone who can make you happy.”
Before I can tell her I can’t be happy with anyone else, Sophia stands up quickly and dashes toward the door.
“Sophia!” I whisper-shout.
She doesn’t even slow her pace down.
I get up from my seat, propping Nicole up and laying her down on the couch, trying not to wake her up even as I hear the door closing behind Sophia.
Fuck.
I can fix this.
I don’t know what I did wrong, but I can fix this.
If I can just get to her, if I can just get close enough to take her hand, I can pull her into my arms. I can kiss her and show her how wrong she is.
She’s the only one I want. The only one I’ve ever wanted. God knows I’ve tried forgetting her. It simply didn’t work.
But, by the time I pull the door open, Sophia is already turning on the ignition in her car. The car that I fucking fixed.
Damn it, I should’ve left that fucking car alone to rust.
“Sophia!” I yell.
I don’t care if it wakes Nicole up or any of my neighbors. It’s not that late yet.
Nothing.
The engine turns on, and I watch helplessly as Sophia’s silhouette puts the engine into gear.
“Sophia! Can we talk about this?” I run up to the car and bang on the metal.
I can see her, so close yet so far away. Under the yellow streetlights, tears flow down her beautiful face without pause.
This is tearing her apart. So why the fuck is she doing this?
“Sophia!”
Her car groans away, the tires sending some dust flying into my jeans and the exhaust puffing some noxious gases onto my face.
Fuck. This was supposed to be a quiet night in.
I have to do something. Nicole’s alone in the house, so this couldn’t have happened at a worse time, but there must be something I can do.
Sophia
Damn it, I scold myself in my head. What happened to “saying goodbye like an adult”?
That was bad. That was really bad.
Oh, God.
A text message would’ve been better.
Seriously, telling him while his niece was asleep between us?
And then, running away while he was screaming my name in the middle of the road?
Could it have been any more dramatic?
I hit the steering wheel with my palms. I’m not driving that fast. But, seeing as my vision is blurred by tears, I shouldn’t be driving at all.
Crying wasn’t part of the plan.
Running away wasn’t part of the plan.
Saying two sentences before running away wasn’t part of the plan.
But, at least it’s over now.
It’s done.
I’ve ended our relationship.
Now, all that’s left to do is run away. So far away Eli won’t be able to find me.
Eli
“I came as fast as I could.” Bertha stands outside my door with her kind smile and calm demeanor.
Normally, I wouldn’t even dream of saying something rude to someone who’s only trying to help me.
But right now, I feel like telling her she’d be out of breath, and her hair bun would be a mess, if she really did come as fast as she could.
“Thanks, Bertha. I owe you a big one.” I grab my car keys.
Nicole’s already asleep upstairs, so there’s not much Bertha has to do.
I just can’t leave Nicole alone at home in case she wakes up in the middle of the night looking for me—or worse, in case someone breaks into the house.
I tried to call my mom, but her phone was turned off. I tried to call Kelly, the neighbor’s teenager, who sometimes babysits Nicole, but she’s out with friends, probably hanging out by some convenience store.
As I hop into my truck, I glance at my phone.
No phone calls and no text messages. Nothing from anyone. Nothing from Sophia.
I turn on the ignition and try to c
all her again, turning on the speaker in case she picks up while I’m driving. My heart races as I navigate the familiar streets, which look dark and menacing now that I’m scared as hell.
Again, after the dial tone, it goes straight to voicemail. To add insult to injury, the recording isn’t even of Sophia’s voice. It’s just some pre-recorded message from the phone provider, asking me to say something after the beep.
As if I’d do that, knowing Sophia would just delete anything I leave her without even listening to it.
I know that because she told me she didn’t even read any of my text messages or listen to my voicemails the last time she had ignored my attempts to reach out to her.
Why does she keep doing this? She wouldn’t do it for no reason.
Sophia seems to have retained some disappointment after the way I ended things seven years ago. But she wouldn’t … There’s no way she’s only doing this for revenge.
No fucking way.
I saw the way she cried. I saw the tears. I saw the way she tried to stop herself from crying. I know how much she hates crying in front of anyone.
Sophia was genuinely torn up about leaving me.
I don’t want her to leave me, so why would she?
What did she mean when she told me she was “broken”?
What could that even mean?
And she told me she wasn’t the right girl for me? She doesn’t get to decide that for me.
If Sophia isn’t the right girl for me, then nobody is, then I’m doomed to a life of loneliness.
If I can’t have Sophia, then I’ll have no one.
Other than my mom and Nicole, I’ll have no one. Nobody can replace Sophia.
Finally, I reach my destination. Sophia’s house.
It’s late. Almost midnight. It took me a while to find someone to watch Nicole.
But Sophia … She’s probably still awake. Is she still crying, staring at the ceiling while her tears stain her pillowcase?
I press the bell button.
I don’t care if Mr. and Mrs. York have to get out of bed to open the door for me. I can’t possibly leave this until tomorrow. I have to see Sophia now.
When the door opens, I find Mr. York standing there in his striped pajamas.
“How can I help you?” he asks.
“Mr. York, I’m sorry to bother you so late at night,” I say quickly. “But, I need to see Sophia.”
The man sighs. “She told me you might come here looking for her.”
“And?” My heart pounds.
Has she changed her mind?
Is she waiting inside, just for me? Is she ready to talk to me now?
Does she at least have a message for me?
“She says to tell you … that she doesn’t want to see you.”
Fuck!
“Mr. York, please. Could you ask her again?”
“I’m sorry.” He shakes his head.
“Could you please tell her I’m at the door?”
“Like I said, she knew you were coming.” His eyes are sympathetic, but he won’t budge.
“Could you …” I slide my fingertips along my scalp, hoping to prod my brain into coming up with something good. I give Mr. York a pleading look. “Could you please tell her I’ll wait here at the door for as long as it takes her to come out?”
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” he says.
“I … I don’t know what else to do. All I know is I need to speak with her,” I say. “Please, Mr. York, you have to help me. I can’t just let this go.”
He lets out a tired sigh. “She won’t come out. Not as long as she knows you’re waiting just outside. I know my daughter. She’ll barricade herself inside the house for weeks if that’s what it takes.”
“I’ll wait. For however long it takes. If she stays inside for five weeks, I’ll wait for five weeks and a day. Ten weeks. I don’t care. Even if it storms again, I’ll still be here, waiting for her.”
Mr. York silently studies my face. Then, he glances inside the house over his shoulder and takes a step forward, standing in front of the door and holding it like a barrier behind him.
“I can see that you’re serious about my daughter, and I can see that you make her happy. When I saw her at home the other day … It had been a while since my wife and I saw her smiling so much.”
“She makes me happy, too. And I know I can make her happy again,” I say.
Mr. York takes another glance behind him, then drops his voice even lower. “I’m not supposed to tell you this, but there’s something on her mind, something that has been bothering her since she came back into town.”
“That much I know,” I say, whispering. “Could you tell me what it is?”
He shakes his head. “I’m afraid that’s something you’ll have to hear from her yourself. But something has happened to her … and she thinks you won’t accept her because of that.”
A mental image flashes in my mind of Sophia telling me she’s “broken.” Possibilities swim in my head.
What could it be?
A leaked sex tape? A newly diagnosed illness? A big, career-ending mistake?
“I don’t care what it is,” I say resolutely. “If she’ll take me, I’ll do my best to make her the happiest person on earth.”
“I was hoping you’d say that.” Mr. York nods. “I’m not supposed to tell you this, but if you want to talk to Sophia, there’s a better way than waiting for her out here.”
I look expectantly at Sophia’s dad, afraid I’ll put my foot in my mouth and say something to make him change his mind.
As Mr. York tells me how I can meet Sophia and get a chance to talk to her, I pull out my phone and make some notes. I can’t make a stupid mistake and miss this small window of opportunity.
“If you can’t get to her in time, I’m afraid there won’t be anything I can do to help you,” Mr. York says. “I can’t give you her new phone number because it’ll be obvious you got it from either my wife or me.”
“I understand,” I say, nodding. “Thank you so much for doing this for me, Mr. York.”
The man smiles—the way his eyes twinkle reminds me of her daughter. “I remember what it’s like to be in love. I know it’s hard to imagine, but I was young once, too.”
I return his smile. “Thank you. Really. This means a lot to me.”
“I’m not doing this for you,” he says, waving his hand dismissively. “I’m doing this for Sophia. I think you’ll be good for her.” He leans closer. “Between you and me, I never liked her last boyfriend, and I’m glad he broke things off with her,” he whispers conspiratorially.
My heart clenches at the thought of Sophia with another man.
Jealousy. It’s something I’ve never felt with any other girl.
And, there’s another novel thing. Fear. There’s nothing that terrifies me more than the thought of losing her again.
“Thank you again, Mr. York,” I say, taking my leave.
The man smiles as he rubs his palms together. It’s cold outside tonight, and he’s only wearing his pajamas. “I hope you two will work things out.”
At least, if Sophia and I make it, I can count on having friendly in-laws.
“Me, too.”
Sophia
“Thank you,” I say to the driver who has just opened the compartment under the bus.
The man grunts in response. He looks like a squirrel who’s hiding some peanuts in his cheeks. He pushes his glasses up the bridge of his flat nose. “I’ll take a piss, and then we’ll get going. Don’t go anywhere.”
I nod.
My bag really isn’t that heavy. But still, I struggle to lift it into the compartment.
On my way here from the city, there were male passengers who were nice enough to help me load it into the bus.
I knew there wouldn’t be much company this morning, but I was hoping the bus driver, at least, would be able to help me. To be fair to the guy, though, maybe he has a back condition or something.
He probably hates his job, and I’m not surprised. Long hours on the road with a bunch of tired, often loud passengers? That sounds like hell to me.
But, at least, he has a job. Unlike me.
I glance at the door on the side of the bus. Couldn’t he have let me in before leaving? It’s not like anyone else is joining us this morning. Most people are at work, after all.
I let out a heavy sigh. For the first time since graduating college, I’m unemployed.
It’s high time I leave Ashbourne. I thought it was a good idea to spend time back home to try to forget about my troubles. As it turned out, I only caused more problems during my stay here.
Maybe I’m cursed. Perhaps problems will follow me wherever I go, starting from now.
I mean, David, my ex, wasn’t perfect. But he hired me straight out of college, and I thrived as his employee. I worked hard, too, of course.
We were two workaholics, spending a ton of time together in the same office, so naturally we became close. He was the person I spent the most time with, and vice versa.
When I realized he had feelings for me, I thought it made sense. We were a good match.
He wasn’t going to have a problem with me working all the time because he was doing the same thing. He was good-looking, successful, and perfectly nice.
So we entered into a relationship. It was … nice enough, in hindsight.
I wasn’t addicted to him the way I was (and still am, probably) to Eli. But on the bright side, we never had teary, explosive arguments either.
There weren’t any peaks and valleys with David. It was a stable relationship.
When it ended, I didn’t go into an almost catatonic state. I was more crushed about the news I had gotten from my doctor than about our break-up.
I thought it was just because that was an adult relationship. I was a grown-up, reacting to life events with a cool head on my shoulders.
But as I watch the bus driver disappear into the restroom, I know that’s bullshit. Because I can barely see the sign on the door with the little stick figure. Because my vision is blurry because tears are pricking my eyes again.
Jesus, when exactly will I stop crying over Eli?
I knew from the start it wasn’t going anywhere. I knew I would have to give him up.
And yet, here I am, crying while waiting for my bus driver to finish taking his piss.
