by Nikki Chase
Out of nowhere, I hear the sound of car engine getting closer and stopping nearby.
Checking my watch, I realize there’s still five minutes until we’re scheduled to leave. Maybe I won’t be the only passenger, after all.
God, I hope I won’t have some chatterbox sitting next to me, trying to make a conversation happen. I’m not in the mood to talk.
“Sophia,” I hear a low, smooth, familiar baritone from behind me.
I turn around slowly, wondering if I’m going crazy. I have been thinking about him the entire night …
But when I catch a glimpse of those big hands, those strong arms, those broad shoulders … I know.
I’d recognize him anywhere, even in the most tightly-packed crowd.
I look away before I catch sight of his face. I’m not strong enough for that.
“Eli?” My mouth feels dry, and I sound like I’m choking.
“I’m glad I caught you in time,” he says as he catches his breath.
Eli reaches out to take my hand, but I take a step back. I can’t let him touch me. I just can’t.
It was hard enough to walk away from him last night. It’ll be hard to get on the bus, now, without also having to physically let go of him.
“What are you doing here?” My gaze darts toward the restroom door.
Damn it, the driver still hasn’t come out yet. How long does it take the guy to take a piss?
“I need to talk to you,” he says. Just hearing his voice makes my heart clench so tight I’m scared it’ll implode.
“I don’t. Leave me alone.” I stare at the bus door, wishing I could open it with the sheer power of my will.
“I know you don’t want to talk to me. You made that clear enough last night,” he says. “But Sophia, I can’t just let you go. I told you that already. I meant it.”
Stop talking. Please, please stop talking.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” I say.
“On the contrary, there’s plenty to talk about,” he says softly.
I thought he’d be furious at me for running away without an explanation. But there’s no anger in his voice; no accusation.
“Please leave,” I repeat.
“I can’t. I won’t, princess,” he says.
It’s not fair. When he calls me “princess,” my heart flips. I’m not strong enough to take this for much longer.
I look away. Snow still covers the ground. It piles up on tree branches. The sun is shining this morning, but it’s not warm enough to melt it down.
“You told me you were broken,” he says. “What did you mean by that?”
“Nothing.”
I feel stupid for saying that. I should’ve just told him we weren’t right for each other and left it at that. That had been my plan that night.
But when the moment came for me to end it, I panicked and said too much. I should’ve told him I had grown tired of him or something like that. That would’ve been easier. Simpler.
“Princess, whatever it is, you should know it won’t change the way I feel about you,” he says. “Nothing can change the way I feel about you.”
He’s just saying that because he doesn’t know. This … problem, it’s too big for even Eli to ignore.
And even if he’s still willing to stay with me after learning the truth, I can’t do that to him. I can’t take away something I know he’s always wanted.
“Don’t you believe me?” Eli asks as if he can read my mind.
“It doesn’t matter,” I say without meeting his gaze. “I’ve made my decision.”
“And you won’t even try to give me the chance to make the decision together with you? Or at least, let me know why you made that decision?” Eli’s voice, normally steady and calm, starts to break. He sighs. “You won’t even look at me.”
I glance at him and avert my gaze immediately, regretting what I just saw.
Eli looks … Well, he looks rough. He’s still wearing the outfit he wore last night, his eyes are bloodshot, and his hair is a mess.
Obviously, I wasn’t the only one who couldn’t sleep last night.
“My decision is final,” I say, my voice shaking.
“Princess, please … I know you still have feelings for me. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have left in a hurry the way you did last night. You wouldn’t have cried like that.”
“Maybe you’re wrong,” I say.
“Tell me how I’m wrong. What am I wrong about?”
“Everything.”
“Like what? Name one.”
I know I should shut up and get into the bus as soon as the driver’s back. It’s not a good idea to start an argument right before I leave. I could lose my resolve.
But, as is always the case when Eli’s involved, I can’t think straight. I can’t help myself.
“Maybe you’re wrong about me having feelings for you. Maybe I’m just a crier. Maybe there’s nothing for you to fix. Maybe, even if you know why I made the decision I did, you’d agree with me,” I say, my voice growing louder with each sentence.
“Then, tell me,” Eli says.
“It doesn’t matter, okay?” I say. “I’m leaving, and that’s that.”
“What if I leave with you?”
I frown and turn toward him. “What do you mean?”
He still stands as tall as he usually does. He’s still the same big, intimidating man. But, he looks fragile this morning. Like I can ruin him with just a single touch. Or a few words.
I don’t want to do that. The last thing I want to do is to hurt him.
“What if I go to the city with you?” he repeats, his dark eyes solemn and serious.
“You can’t do that. What about your mom? And your niece?”
I’m still talking. Why am I still talking?
It doesn’t matter—nothing does. This is not even about living in the city or in Ashbourne. I’m leaving Eli, and nothing will change my mind.
Eli shakes his head. “I’ll leave everything for you. Once, I told you to leave so I could stay here. Now, I know that was a mistake. I told you. I’d do anything.”
“You can’t leave your mom and your niece,” I repeat the words, ignoring everything Eli has just said.
“I have, and I will,” Eli insists.
“Back then, Nicole was just a baby,” he continues. “I couldn’t leave my mom after her entire family had left her. Her husband had left her. Her daughter had left her.
“I couldn’t do the same thing to her. I couldn’t make her go through the single-mom experience, all on her own, again. So, I stayed.
“But now, Nicole is old enough to do a lot of things herself. She spends all day in school now. My mom even has a great boyfriend. She won’t be alone.”
Tears spring from my eyes as I listen to Eli’s words. I swallow through the lump in my throat. “It doesn’t matter,” I repeat. “This is not about that.”
“Then, what is it about?” Eli asks, his voice growing in pitch and volume as he becomes more frustrated. “I don’t care what you think is wrong with you. You’re perfect in my eyes.”
I scoff, even as tears roll down my cheeks. “You’ll find some other girl soon enough.”
“Nobody can replace you. You don’t think I’ve tried?”
I raise an eyebrow as I wipe away my tears with the back of my hand. “I think I just happened to visit when you happened to be single. It was a coincidence. Maybe you’ve tried. And then, maybe you’ve failed. But, you’ll succeed again.”
“Fuck, Sophia, what will it take for you to listen to me?” Eli raises his voice. “In the seven years that you were gone, I didn’t even touch anyone else. Not one girl.”
I stare at him, dumbfounded. Is he saying … He didn’t … Seven years, and …?
I shake my head. It still doesn’t matter.
“That doesn’t change anything,” I say. “Maybe now that you know it’s impossible between you and me, you’ll find someone.”
“But, it’s not impossible. It ca
n’t be. I see the way you look at me. I feel the way you melt under my touch.” Eli stretches out his hand like he’s about to touch my face.
Again, I take a step back. From the corner of my eye, I notice the bus driver walking toward the bus. Finally.
“Princess, I don’t care what it is you think is the problem,” he says. “You’re the only one I want.”
“You’re being dramatic, Eli.” I shake my head. “You’ll find a nice girl and settle down.”
To my great relief, the bus door opens with a hiss and the bus driver climbs in.
“Princess, there can’t be anybody else. If I can’t be with you, I’ll just … I’ll just have to get better at keeping myself company,” Eli says. “When I think about my future, you’re in it. I want us to be a family.”
Fresh tears well up in my eyes and spill down my cheeks.
But, that’s exactly the problem. We can’t be a family. Eli can’t possibly build a family with me.
“Miss, are you coming?” the driver asks impatiently.
“Yes,” I say, putting one foot on the first step of the bus.
“No.” Eli shakes his head as he stands right by the door, looking up at me. “Please, princess. At least, tell me what the problem is.”
“The problem is, you’re wrong about everything.” I get up onto the bus, holding onto the handrail by the door.
“Please,” Eli says. “At least, tell me. I won’t be able to stop obsessing about this.”
My mind flashes back to the sleepless nights I had when I was trying to forget about Eli, when my head was filled with all kinds of possible scenarios for why Eli broke up with me.
Maybe he’s right. He deserves some closure, at the very least.
“Miss, can you please step inside?” the bus driver asks, sighing. “We’re going to be late.”
“I can’t have children, Eli,” I blurt out.
I catch a glimpse of Eli’s shocked facial expression before I turn around, and the bus door closes behind me.
As I walk through rows of empty seats, I hear Eli banging on the metal, calling my name as he runs alongside the bus.
But as the wheels turn, taking me further away from him until I stop hearing his voice. When I turn around, even through the tears in my eyes, I can see he’s no longer there.
Soon enough, he’ll forget about me. Soon enough, he’ll find someone else—a beautiful girl with whom he can have lots of children. Someone who can fulfill his dream.
Sorrow grips my heart so hard I feel like it might break. I close my eyes and lean my head back on the cushioned seat, letting my head spin.
“Miss, are you okay?” the driver asks.
“Yeah. I’m okay,” I answer, sniffling.
I’m okay.
Everything’s okay.
Eli wants a family, and I want a career.
This way, we’ll both get what we want out of life.
Life’s too short to sacrifice our dreams, right?
This may hurt like hell right now. But someday, this will all make sense.
Sophia
As much as I try, I can’t fall asleep.
Even when I close my eyes, I keep seeing Eli.
It’s not surprising, of course. This was how I used to be when I had first gotten to the city.
I barely made small talk with my dorm roommate. If I weren’t attending classes, I was curled up under my blanket, crying my eyes out over him. Over Eli.
Just like I’m doing now.
My tears haven’t stopped flowing. To avoid stares from the other passengers, who have entered the bus as we passed through various small towns, I’ve been wiping away the damage with tissues, replacing them whenever they’re saturated with tears.
One elderly woman who sat across the aisle from me asked me if something was wrong, and I told her I had an allergy. I have no idea if she bought that, and I don’t care. As long as it shut her up.
There’s no space in my head left for anyone else but Eli.
The way he looked when I told him the truth. His eyes and his mouth were wide open, so stunned he couldn’t speak until the bus door snapped shut in front of him.
He called my name and ran alongside the bus for a while, but pretty soon he gave up.
Of course, he did.
I mean, what was there left to say?
He must’ve realized his dream was an impossible one. There’s no possible way for us to have a family of our own.
Still, like an idiot, I keep thinking … Was there a way? Is there a way? Could we possibly make it work … somehow?
It’s stupid, of course.
Seriously, it’s not like Eli would even take me back anymore.
I’ve been pushing him away.
I’ve humiliated him. Someone could’ve seen our little fight this morning. Hell, the bus driver definitely saw us.
And, who knows if any of his neighbors saw me driving away last night? It’s possible they think he was trying to do something inappropriate and I was running away for my life.
Jesus, why did I do that?
Why did I even sleep with him in the first place?
I should’ve known to stay away from him. I should’ve known there was no possible way for me to keep things casual when it comes to Eli.
No, Eli won’t want me back. Especially now that he knows I’m damaged goods.
I’m more trouble than I’m worth. And God knows I’ve given him a lot of trouble.
The things he said … When he told me he was willing to move to the city for me, leaving his family behind and his work, too …
I have to admit that, at least for a brief moment, I let myself dream of a life with him. Maybe if he was willing to alter his life to that extent, just for me, he was also willing to …
But … no.
I told him. I told him, even though I wanted him to remember only the good things about me.
To be honest, a part of me was hoping, as impossible as it was, that he would … I don’t know. That he would jump onto the bus with me and keep trying to win me over, I guess.
But then again, he found out I was no prize. So, why would he?
Why would anyone?
I still remember how David’s face turned to stone the moment the doctor explained, in a grave tone of voice, what my test results meant.
In that one moment, everything became clear—the reason why I hadn’t gotten pregnant even though I kept close track of my ovulation schedule.
In that same moment, everything went dark. All the plans I had made for the future evaporated in the blink of an eye. The baby names—one for a boy and one for a girl; the Pinterest board full of pictures of stylish nurseries; the two-bedroom apartment I was sharing with David where we had started emptying out the second bedroom.
The very next day, David told me it was over. He had rented a new apartment nearby where he could live while I was moving my stuff out of our shared home.
He also expressed his wish for us to continue working civilly together. He told me the years we had been together were great, but our paths were diverging.
All things considered, it was an amicable, level-headed, grown-up break-up.
I couldn’t blame David for ending it.
But I also couldn’t bear to continue working with him. So, I quit.
I thought spending some time with my parents in Ashbourne would do me good. Ha. I should’ve known better.
Bad things happen when I make plans. Just as I think things will go smoothly, something freaky happens to ruin everything.
Oh, Eli … My heart clenches with regret for him, knowing there’s no way for his dream to come true.
Guilt wraps its tendrils around me even though I know it’s not my fault. It’s not like I want this either.
Even back when we were younger, he was talking about our future kids. He had grown up without a dad, so he was naturally determined to become the best father he could be, even back then. His dream was to build the perfect family he never had growin
g up.
I remember this one time he told me how we’d take our kids camping.
We’d roast marshmallows over the fire and make s’mores. He’d tell scary stories under the stars, and I’d laugh when they were terrified, telling them it was going to be okay because mom and dad would protect them from any monsters that dared to bother them.
But now … Now I know that’s not in the cards for us. Never will be.
I’d be better off forgetting Eli and finding someone else. Someone who doesn’t ever want kids.
There are plenty of guys like that, right? I’ll just … I don’t know, download some dating app and swipe right on all those guys, meet them one by one until I find someone with whom I can hold a conversation.
More tears leak out of my eyes at the thought of sitting across the café table from someone who’s not Eli. Having candle-lit dinners with someone who’s not Eli. Spending the night in a bed that belongs to someone who’s not Eli.
He’d probably be some corporate guy. Smooth designer suit. Fashionable necktie. Shiny, Italian-leather shoes.
I know girls who’d go crazy after guys like that. And seeing as my plan is to focus on my career, someone like that would definitely suit my lifestyle.
We’d run in the same circles. Have the same kind of jobs. Aim for the same kind of goals. Maybe we’d travel all over the world together. Take all kinds of expensive vacations.
It wouldn’t be a bad life. Wouldn’t be a bad life at all.
Hell, that would be a dream come true for a lot of girls.
Up until a few weeks ago, that was exactly my plan. I’d make myself happy with a man who’s handsome and successful. We’d take lots of fancy trips abroad, and have expensive dinners at the trendiest restaurants in town.
But … not anymore.
As I think about all those things now, I realize they don’t hold any appeal anymore.
I stare out the window of the moving bus as it carries me away from Ashbourne—away from Eli—and toward the city. Trees thin out, gradually replaced by buildings.
Soon enough, I’ll be back in the concrete forest that is the city where I can carry out my latest plan and get all the things I want.
Except, I don’t want to do any of those things anymore.
I don’t know when this happened.
Maybe it was when I realized Eli had given up on me just before the bus left Ashbourne.
