Clarity 3

by Loretta Lost

  She throws herself into life with her full being. She treasures each fleeting moment as a new blessing. I am so proud to call her my friend. I am honored that she might consider me hers.

  I watch her for a moment longer as she elegantly moves about the café. She turns back toward me in the middle of a coffee run and sends me a secret smile. The word that comes to my mind to describe her is “angelic,” but that word has been ruined for me. To wash this appalling thought from my mind, I take a large gulp of my coffee.

  Did Grayson see a similar quality in me to what I see in Krista? Is that what he meant?

  And if so, why would he ever want to hurt someone like that?

  I look at Krista, and feel fear and dread blossom in my chest. The thought of someone hurting her makes my stomach turn over. I find myself praying silently that she will never go through the horrors that I’ve lived. She is so pure and light, and I don’t want anyone to ever steal that away from her. I stare down into my coffee and consider the ridiculous idea of bargaining with devils. If anything horrible is ever going to happen to Krista, I would like for it to happen to me instead. I am already broken, and I would rather be a little more broken than see her damaged in any way.

  The world needs people like Krista. I wish I could be her shield against fate. I would happily protect her from all the arrows life might toss her way. I don’t mind if they get deeply embedded in me, along with the others that are already stuck there.

  A single tear splashes down into my coffee, and I frown at it. I bring the coffee to my lips and drink deeply again before pulling out my phone and programming her number into my contacts. I move to my text message inbox and send a quick message to Liam, asking him to give me a call when he gets a break. He responds almost immediately saying that he’s between patients at the moment, but that he needs to make a few other phone calls and doesn’t think he’ll have a chance. He also says that he won’t be home from work until very late tonight. I look down at my telescope box with worry, wondering if I won’t get a chance to give him his present on his birthday.

  “What’s going on?” Krista asks as she returns. “Do you need a refill, or are you going to go seduce your man with the gift of a phallic object that symbolizes his virility?”

  I choke on my coffee. Glancing down at the telescope in surprise, I look at it in an entirely different way. I clear my throat to remove the coffee from my airways. “He said he’s busy making phone calls,” I tell her in disappointment.

  “Who cares?” she tells me. “Go up there and surprise him! It’s his birthday, and he sounds like a chronic workaholic. It is your duty to make him relax for five minutes.”

  “You’re so smart,” I tell her gratefully. I rise to my feet and begin to gather my things. I pull out my wallet and leave a single bill to cover the coffee and a tip.

  “Winter!” she exclaims. “The coffee doesn’t cost fifty bucks. Not unless it comes with a blowjob, and unfortunately, I don’t serve those. Not even to a girl with a really long, hard telescope.”

  I try very hard to keep from laughing and maintain a straight face. “Krista, you need to stop staring at my telescope. It’s making me uncomfortable. I know it’s huge and you probably really want to touch it, but it’s off limits. I’m saving it for someone else.”

  Krista dissolves into giggles. “Just hold on a sec so I can grab you some change.”

  “I’m blind!” I tell her innocently as I walk away backwards. “I have no idea what bill that is. Keep the change!” Even as I say this, the banknote actually does grow hazy and distorted in my vision, and so does Krista. I turn away and blink to try and refresh my eyes. This is happening too often lately. I’m too scared to mention it to Liam. I don’t want to hear that there’s a possibility that I could lose my sight. It has been such a gift, and the idea that my vision could be stolen from me is terrifying. There’s so much that I still haven’t seen.

  As I move through the hospital, I begin fantasizing about taking a romantic vacation with Liam. Even if my vision does eventually deteriorate, there’s so much I’d like to see and do first. I imagine the ambience of beautiful candlelit dinners and fine wine. Cozy hotel rooms in romantic cities, and breathtaking landscapes. Mountains and rivers, and majestic historic sites. I smile as I enter the elevator with the telescope box, leaning my shoulder against the wall. Krista is right. I should take advantage of my newfound ability to have these experiences; I have the money and I have the time. Best of all, I will have Liam beside me to share every lovely adventure.

  I did some traveling when I was younger. My parents liked to drive all over the country to visit wineries, but sometimes we would also travel to France or Italy. I enjoyed the trips, but I think it would be completely different to actually see those places. Everything is already different; I feel like a tourist in my own city and in my own skin. I feel like a tourist of nature, architecture, and people. I suppose that we are all only visitors to this planet for a short time—the only thing we can do is soak up as much of the magic as possible.

  The elevator opens to my floor, and I walk out with a new spring in my step. Imagining these amazing vacations has put me in a stellar mood. A funny thought suddenly occurs to me; I wonder if and how Liam will propose to me? The thought is a little scary and a lot premature, but I figure I will allow myself to entertain the idea. Do I want him to propose? Would I say yes? I think it might be a bit too soon. But maybe going on a trip together is the perfect way to get to know him better. You can learn a lot about a person from traveling with him, and seeing how he adapts to new and challenging circumstances.

  But marriage? Part of me feels too young, but part of me feels like “too young” is just an excuse people use to make themselves feel better when they haven’t found the right person. What if I have already found the right person? I certainly can’t imagine anyone better.

  I figure that I will leave these decisions in his hands. He has never moved too quickly for me before; he is sensitive and thoughtful, and I know that he plans his every move with utmost care. I’ve been alone for so long that it’s nice to trust my life in someone else’s hands and let him take the lead. If life were a dance, Liam would be my perfect partner.

  When I round a corner in the hospital corridors, I nearly bump into a nurse. I see that her nametag reads Melanie, and I smirk a little as I remember the way she used to hit on Liam. She is very short, and wearing makeup that is a little too heavy—especially around the eyes.

  “Sorry,” she mumbles. “Oh, it’s you! How is your vision?”

  “It’s great,” I tell her. Then I hesitate. “Sometimes things go blurry or dark at random moments, but it’s mostly excellent.”

  “You should tell the doctor,” she informs me. “Would you like me to get Dr. Larson? He’s on break, but I’m sure he’d be happy to help.”

  “I’m not here for my eyes,” I tell her with a smile, gesturing down at my gift-wrapped box. “I have a present for the doctor—to thank him for all his hard work.”

  “Aww,” she says. “That’s so sweet. He is amazing, isn’t he? You can just head over to that break room and give it to him. I’m sure he’ll be thrilled!”

  I thank her and head over to the door she indicated, feeling a little shy. Whenever I visit Liam at work, we usually meet down in the café. I hope that he won’t be upset that I’m showing up out of the blue like this—I hope it won’t seem creepy or like I’m crowding him. I just really wanted to give him some sort of surprise on his actual birthday. He would have done the same for me.

  Feeling a little burst of confidence, I move to enter the break room. There is a small seating area that is littered with pop cans and coffee cups, and half-finished meals. There is another room adjacent to this one, and it looks like there is a small kitchenette. I can hear Liam’s voice filtering through from the other room, and I am about to go over there and meet him when his words cause me to pause.

  “No, you have to listen to me,” Liam is saying angrily. “I can�
�t keep lying to your daughter like this. Helen is smart, and she’s going to figure things out.”

  I step back quietly, trying not to alert Liam to my presence.

  “That’s not fair, Mr. Winters. You promised you would use your influence to help me get this research grant. It’s really critical to my career right now, and I’ve done everything you asked.” Liam’s voice grows suddenly drained and exhausted. “Can’t you just call the pharmaceutical company and put in a good word for me? Is that really too much to ask?”

  There is still a wall between us, and he probably thinks that it’s only another doctor who’s entered the break room. Actually, he’s so immersed in his conversation with my father that he might not even have heard the sound of the door opening. I put my hand on the doorknob, knowing that I should leave before I hear anything more.

  I wish I hadn’t walked in at this moment. But I can’t stop listening.

  “Didn’t I hunt Helen down like you wanted?” Liam is demanding. “Didn’t I convince her to come back here with me? Didn’t I convince her to stay here even when she wanted to leave? Didn’t I perform the surgery like I promised I would? That was our deal. That’s all. I have gone above and beyond, and risked my job to take care of your daughter—that was never part of our bargain.”

  A bargain. I was just a bargain. I twist the doorknob in a feeble effort to leave before the poison can seep into my ears. But I already know that it’s too late. The master key. That’s why I was special.

  “Please, sir. I have tried to convince Helen to reestablish ties with you. I got her to talk to you, didn’t I? Things were going well until she got that letter. That wasn’t my fault. I’m sorry, but she’s very stubborn. Once she sets her mind on something, it’s hard to dissuade her. I have tried my best, but I can’t control your daughter in every way.”

  At this point, I need to remove my hand from the doorknob and clamp it over my mouth to keep from making a sound of disgust or breaking out into hysterical laughter. Control me? Control me in every way? Really, Liam? I simply cannot believe what I’m hearing, but now it all makes sense. Why he was so nice to me. So attentive and caring. He was manipulating me.

  “I know you gave her all that money, sir, and I appreciate that. It has helped us both a great deal, but...”

  I nearly drop the telescope box that I’m holding, but I manage to clutch it against my chest and keep it from tumbling to the ground. Was that money a kind of dowry? Was I just, like... sold? I shut my eyes tightly, feeling nausea and pain spreading through my gut. Liam didn’t come to find me because he wanted to help me. He was given incentives by my father. He probably only read my books to do homework on me. I feel like a fool.

  “Are you serious, Mr. Winters?” Liam says quietly. There is a pause. “Yes, I’ll do anything. I can’t lose that grant money. I am just getting sick of these games. I can’t keep doing this to her.”

  Games. He’s been playing games. I’m the game, and he’s been playing me this whole time.

  “Wait a second. Let me get this straight,” Liam says sharply. “You want me to kick her out? You really think that’s going to solve your problem?” There is a pause. Liam gives a small laugh. “I see. So you want me to break up with her in the worst possible way, so that she’ll need her father? So that she’ll come running to you? You want me to be a jackass to her, is that what you’re saying?”

  I wait for a moment, placing my hand back on the doorknob. A muscle in my cheek twitches as I wait for Liam to refuse. I wait for him to say that he actually loves me and he refuses to lie to me or manipulate me anymore.

  “Okay. And if I do this, you’ll guarantee that I get my research grant?” he asks.

  I quietly turn the doorknob and step out of the break room. However, I don’t walk away just yet, and I don’t let the door shut fully behind me. I stand there for a moment, breathing deeply and trying to gather my composure. Should I confront him? Or should I just try to get away? Should I run away before he can break up with me? People are walking by, but everything is spinning and distorted in my vision. My chest aches and I struggle against the onset of one of my familiar old panic attacks. I try to breathe.

  I hear the muffled sounds of Liam finishing up his conversation with my father, and I hear him beginning to pace back and forth in the break room. It seems like he has made another phone call, because he begins speaking to someone else in a less respectful tone of voice.

  “Hey, Owen? I’m screwed, man. Royally fucked. I never expected things to get this far, and I’m in too deep. This man can’t make up his fucking mind. First he wants me to babysit his daughter, and I was doing a damn good job of that...”

  My mouth falls open slightly in disbelief. I am so frozen in shock that I am unable to think clearly or listen to what else he’s saying. Babysit me? Babysit me! My shock quickly dissolves into anger, and I am filled with the urge to throw the telescope box across the room, and break every piece of furniture in sight. I want to scream.

  Instead, I just remain still, silently quaking with the rage that is building like a tidal wave inside of me. My fingers tighten around the telescope box, and I feel like I might crush it with this major rush of adrenaline.

  “You know how hard I worked to get close to her, man. Helen is so hypersensitive and it wasn’t easy. Dealing with her was like walking on thin ice. I had to be so careful to call her ‘Winter’ to pacify her and keep her from freaking out...”

  Okay. That’s the final straw. I really don’t need to hear him utter another single word. Ever. I move away from the door rapidly, intending to exit the hospital as soon as possible—and to permanently exit Liam’s life even faster than that. I move to the nearest trash can and stuff the telescope box down into the slot. It does not fit, and sticks out awkwardly, but I don’t care.

  I turn and walk briskly down the hallway, so fast that I might as well be jogging. Finally, I give up on this and break into a full run. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know what to do. I just need to get away from here.

  Everything I thought I had was a lie. Of course it was. I should have known. Doesn’t this story make more sense when the handsome doctor doesn’t love me? Why would he? I’m a mess. That first night when he didn’t want to touch me—that was real.

  I just want to get to my car and get away. I continue running through the hospital halls, and my vision becomes temporarily fuzzy and dark. I can’t see for a moment, and I’m moving too fast to keep from slamming directly into someone.

  I recognize his voice right before I go tumbling to the ground.

  “Dude, just relax. You’re not thinking...” Owen is on the phone when I crash into him, and he drops it to the ground and staggers back with the impact. When he sees who hit him, he quickly retrieves his phone. “Shit. I’ve got to go, man—I’ll call you back.” He hangs up before moving over to check on me. “Whoa, Winter! Are you okay? You came at me like a tank, sister.” He moves to my side and begins to carefully help me to my feet.

  I shove him away viciously. “Don’t touch me. I don’t need any more babysitting.”

  “Oh, fuck. You heard that?” Owen takes a deep breath. “Shit! Winter, he didn’t mean it. God, Liam loves you. He really didn’t mean any of that. You know he’s been working twenty-hour shifts and he’s barely slept. He’s not himself right now.”

  “Right now? You have both been lying to me for months!”

  “He’s just having a really bad day. Please, just give him a chance to explain. It’s a Jekyll and Hyde thing, you know? Liam is usually Dr. Jekyll—but today he’s Mr. Hyde. It’s just today, I swear. 99% of the time he’s Dr. Jekyll.”

  I reach out and shove Owen hard, causing him to stumble back to the ground. “You knew. This whole time, you knew. And you just went along with it and helped him. You let him seduce me into being his little puppet. He weaseled his way into my life like a common salesman. I bet you two joked about it a lot, huh? Liam dangling his cock in front of me like a carrot?”

 
; “It wasn’t like that,” Owen says with a sigh. “Look, he gets really depressed on his birthdays. He’s had a darker past than he lets you in on. He didn’t grow up in the greatest home, and he was very poor. His parents were abusive drunks. He’s worked his ass off to get out and build a life for himself. It was a huge struggle for him to become a doctor, and he’s still struggling every day. Try to understand where he’s coming from.”

  “And apparently I’m just collateral damage on his climb to the top, right?” I glare at Owen fiercely, narrowing my eyes. “He’ll fuck me in order to control me so that he can use the influence of my wealthy father. I’m just a rung on the ladder of his greed?”

  “No. You know that’s not true,” Owen says softly. “Winter, I have known Liam for a long time. Yes, he’s very greedy and ambitious. There’s hardly anything he won’t do for money—but he wouldn’t do that. I swear to you, he wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t hurt you for money. Don’t you know him better after all this time?”

  “Maybe you don’t know him,” I hiss. “He just said he was going to leave me if my dad guaranteed him the fucking grant. He was going to leave me in a ditch and break my heart for a bit of money.” Saying this out loud is equivalent to stabbing myself in the chest. My anger is starting to give way to pain, and I need to get out of here before it cripples me.

  Owen puts both of his hands on my shoulders. “Winter, listen to me. You’re being emotional and ridiculous right now. You and I both know Liam, and there’s no one more loyal or loving on this planet. Don’t you think you should give him the benefit of the doubt and talk to him about this?”

  I rise to my feet and smooth my clothing to maintain some dignity. “Owen, I know he’s your best friend. Bros before hoes and all that—but will you please do me a favor and not tell him that I heard that? Please.”

  Owen hesitates. “I have to tell him.”

  “If you were ever really my friend, for even one minute, please do me this favor. Give me twenty-four hours’ notice before telling him.”