by Sadie Allen
Judd then turned, his face hard, and walked back toward me. He lightly took me by the arm and escorted me to the back door of the diner. Before we walked in, though, he looked over his shoulder at Asher, frost dripping off his words as he said, “When I come back through this door, your ass better be gone.” And without waiting for a reply, he propelled us both through the door and slammed it shut.
I watched as Judd paced the floor in front of me. His hands were in his hair, tearing through it. Every so often, he would look over at me with either an expression of fury, like he would like nothing better than to go back out there and kick Asher while he was down, or his eyes were so agonized that I wanted to reach over, pull him into my arms, and give him a hug.
Finally, when I couldn’t stand it any longer, I broke into his silent freak-out.
“Talk to me, Judd,” I said, making sure I injected enough calm into my voice as not to spook him.
“Asher was going to hurt you because of me.” When I opened my mouth to tell him that I was fine, he shook his head and said, “I can’t let you get hurt because of me.”
He stopped pacing and stared at me. The look on his face froze my insides. His face was blank, devoid of emotion. There was no warmth to his eyes, and his mouth was set in a grim, determined expression.
Nonononono.
Panic was clawing up the inside of my throat. He was not going to do this to me.
“I can handle it. He didn’t get to me because of you.” I was desperate for him to see this … That he was my safe place.
“How?” he cried out then jabbed his finger in the direction of the parking lot. “You had him crying on the ground before I could ever reach you. How did I stop him, Sunny? I didn’t get there in time.”
I knew what was really getting to him was that Asher had put his hands on me, and Judd wasn’t there to stop him.
“You distracted him. If you hadn’t started yelling, he wouldn’t have looked away from me. But you did, and I took my shot.” I felt an evil grin curve my mouth upward. I imagined it looked like the one the Grinch wore in the movie How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I really enjoyed kneeing that jerk in balls.
“This isn’t freaking funny, Sunny!”
“It was a little funny. Asher Klein curled up in the fetal position in the parking lot of Sally’s is downright hilarious.”
Judd didn’t even crack a smile, and I felt my fleeting satisfaction at what I had done to Asher die. I felt sick, knowing what was coming.
“Don’t,” I said in a voice that sounded foreign to my own ears. It was weak, and I wasn’t weak.
“Sunny, we just can’t do this anymore. It’s not going to work.” Again, his face was blank, the agitation gone, his voice indifferent.
“Don’t. Don’t do this … We can make it work. We’re stronger together than we are on our own. The past few months have proven that.” I could feel the burn of unshed tears behind my eyes, and my lips trembled over the words.
“I can’t.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
“Both. If I had gotten ahold of Asher tonight, I probably would have beaten him to death.”
“You wouldn—”
“Yeah, Sunny, I would have.” He looked down at his feet then raised his head, determination filling his handsome face.
“What I feel for you … It’s just too much. I could lose everything.”
“Everything?” If he would have just punched me in the stomach, it would have felt better than those words. “I’m not included in that, I guess, since you’re throwing me away.” Those banked tears were flowing freely now.
“Sunny …” His armor cracked, and I could see a flash of sadness in his eyes. However, I was too far gone in so many ways.
“So, while I was making you a part of my everything, you’ve been just passing the time?”
Gah, the thought hurt, but what else could he have been doing?
With startling clarity, the truth about our relationship knocked into me and laid me out flat.
“I don’t know what you’re thinking, Sunny, but it’s the wrong thing.”
“You were using me.” My voice was no louder than a whisper, yet it sounded like a cannon blast in my ears.
“No—”
“I’ve been falling in love with you, and you were just lonely. I mean, why else would you go from Ashely to me? I was the only one available! You never noticed me until I was the only option.”
I was going to be sick.
“No!” Judd sounded panicked now, but I didn’t care. He had just laid my heart, my pride, and my dignity in tatters.
“Just go, Judd.”
“No, Sunny, it wasn’t like that—”
“Then tell me what it was like!”
He opened then closed his mouth, looking so lost.
A part of me wanted to reassure him, to comfort him.
Wait, the guy had played me and I wanted to hug him? Could I get any more pathetic?
“You’re a coward, Judd Jackson.” My vision was blurred due to the tears that just wouldn’t stop flowing, coming faster and faster, while my body shuddered from the sobs I was holding back.
“Because I want to leave this town? Because I want to go to college instead of prison?” he asked in a voice filled with impatient frustration.
I didn’t say anything.
He sighed. “You just don’t get it.”
“You’re right; I don’t. So, you should just go.” My voice was flat now, but my body shook from all the emotions I was trying to bottle up.
“Sunny …” he said softly.
When he said my name like that, it flipped a switch inside of me. Those emotions were about to explode, and when they did, I wanted him gone.
“I SAID JUST GO!” I screamed in a shrill voice then closed my eyes, willing him to disappear.
I heard him take one step toward me, sigh, and then his footsteps headed away from me and toward the door. I heard it open and close, then the lock engaged with a soft snick. I hated that soft sound because, even after he had just destroyed me, he was still looking after me.
I slowly sank to the floor, my legs no longer able to support me, and I let the huge, soul deep sobs that I had been holding back out.
Sunny
THE WEEKS AFTER JUDD shattered my heart were some of the hardest of my life, even harder than after Grana had died. He was everywhere, and he was nowhere. I saw him almost every day at work, and we still had Mrs. Shannon’s class together, but he was like a ghost to me. The easiness and peace we had found without Ashley’s toxicity had vanished. The only time I looked at him was out of the corner of my eye, and when that happened, it was involuntary. My body was still attuned to his, and it was killing me to be that close to him, but not be.
Sometimes, I swore I could feel his eyes on me, burning into my skin, yet I refused to look, to acknowledge his existence. At least, outwardly. Inwardly, I was desperate for any sign that he might still care, that he might still think of me or want me. I hated myself for that and buried those thoughts and feelings whenever they surfaced ruthlessly and hardened my resolve to ignore his existence.
See, when Grana died, I hadn’t realized that I was playing pretend. I could pretend that she was still living, breathing, working, and that kept me going for a long time. Playing pretend with Judd was a different game, though. He was actually living, breathing, working, but I was pretending that he was gone.
One of the most important things Grana had taught me was to “pick myself up by my bootstraps,” so that was what I did. I had gone to work the next day and pretended. I had pretended that Judd Jackson had never stepped foot in my life. My face had been swollen and red from crying myself to sleep after I had gotten home, but that was fine. I had allowed myself that.
When Sally had pulled me to the side and wanted to talk, I did my best Molly McEntire and froze her out. I had only told her that it was over and that was that. But of course, that wasn’t the end. Sally must have called Molly, because Mo
lly had called and texted me the next day, asking questions. The difference was … Molly had let me be.
So, that was how I spent my weeks up to graduation. I went to school, worked, and came home to eat and maybe sleep. Lather, rinse, and repeat. The only time I couldn’t pretend was at night when sleep was elusive, and my mind was too tired for games and would wander.
I would relive my time with Judd and the tears would fall silently onto my pillow. I would see his movie star smile and remember the way his lips seared into mine, or the intensity that surrounded him, that had become a part of him and lived in his eyes. Then I would finally fall asleep, heartsick and soul weary.
I figured this wouldn’t last forever, but each day seemed to drag into the next.
The weeks Judd and I had been together had flown by, while the weeks without him seemed endless. I guessed that was heartbreak.
There was no cooking, except on my day at the diner, because for once my heart just wasn’t in it. So, dinners were some variety of sandwich, PB&J or ham and cheese. It wasn’t like I was that hungry, anyway. Sometimes Sally would fix me something at the diner, saying I was starting to look like “a bag of bones.” Whatever.
There was no baking, except … I had broken down the weekend before graduation—the night of the sports banquet, to be exact. I had gone to the store and bought the same kind of brownies Judd had brought over the first time he had come to my house. When they were done, I had driven to Judd’s and left them on the doorstep. I hadn’t bothered ringing the bell, and I hadn’t left a note, but he had known who they were from.
I knew that night would be hard for Judd since his Jeep had been parked in the driveway. It was a big night for any senior athlete because it marked the end of their high school sports career. It was the last night they were all together as teammates. The culmination of years of working hard together and playing together being celebrated, especially since they had won state this year.
See, Judd and his dad had been at the heart of that. It was supposed to have been their night … They had been the foundation of Sand Creek football. Under different circumstances, a lot of the accolades would have been bestowed on Judd, given to him by his dad. Whatever district honors you achieved were announced, special awards for each sport were given out, or if you participated in any sport, they at least handed you a certificate. There was a dinner and a slide show. The boys wore ties, and the girls wore dresses. It was a big deal. Molly ran cross-country her freshman year and had told me all about it.
So, for one night, I had let Judd exist and baked him a pan of brownies. It wasn’t much, but I had known he wouldn’t have wanted to see me. That was what I had kept telling myself as I had cried all the way home.
Dressed in my black cap and gown, I was waiting in the vestibule with the rest of my classmates, ready to line up and march out to our seats in front of a crowd of family and friends.
The room was filled with chatter and a restless, excited energy that I could feel buzzing along my skin, but I couldn’t experience it for myself. I just wanted this night to be over.
I scanned the crowd, pretending I wasn’t looking for a glimpse of the boy I both loved and hated, and saw a flash of blond hair.
I jerked my gaze away quickly. He still didn’t exist. Regardless, I had gotten enough of a glimpse to make my breath catch and my heart ache.
Judd stood at the back of the room in his own cap and gown, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest, eyes trained on the floor. He looked lonely, an island in a sea of people, which he kind of was since everyone was giving him a wide berth.
I was again struck by the fact that he would rather be alone than with me. That if we were together, maybe I would be feeling a lot different about tonight. Heck, maybe if we had never gotten together, we would at least still be friends and enjoying this experience together. But we weren’t even that anymore, and that just made the whole situation worse.
The ache in my chest deepened. My heart felt like a solid weight. I hadn’t lost just a boyfriend. I had lost my best friend. Sure, Molly was my friend, but ever since she graduated last year, we hardly saw each other. She worked at her father’s bar every night of the week, so our schedules were never in synch. Judd had filled that hole.
In the short time that I had with him, he had become so ingrained in my life that it seemed like he had always been there. Now I felt more alone than I had ever felt in my entire life. The pain was a living thing inside of me.
I did my best to avoid him at all costs, even though it was against my nature. I was still drawn to him.
Just then, Mrs. Shannon walked in and clapped her hands together, gaining everyone’s attention. “All right, ladies and gentlemen!”
The chatter quieted down as we waited for her to tell us what we needed to do.
“Top ten line up in front, and then everyone else line up in alphabetical order behind them. I’ll come by and double-check to make sure you’re where you’re supposed to be, just like kindergarten.”
Since my name started with a B, I was up front, one of the first ten in line, behind Robbie Baxter, like every other school function I had ever been in since elementary school.
Mrs. Shannon came by, clipboard in hand, and checked everyone off as she had us tell her our names. As she came by, she handed each person a marble from a basket she was carrying on her arm. We were supposed to hand the marble to the principal in the handshake he would give us when we received our diplomas. It was a school tradition. Dr. Thomas even had a basket of his own waiting on a stool by the podium for him to drop our offerings in.
What seemed like a million years later, the band struck up the song we were supposed to march in on, the typical graduation song, “Pomp and Circumstance,” and we were on the move.
I could feel the heat of someone’s stare on the back of my neck, but I didn’t dare turn around. I didn’t know how I knew, but it was Judd’s eyes burning a hole through me. I was tempted to turn around just to see his eyes on me again.
We arrived inside the gym and walked across the floor to the typical fanfare, the applause almost deafening in the small gymnasium. Every year, graduation was held here, even though it wasn’t big enough to hold everyone, and they had to set up two projector screens. One by the back wall to the side of the stage so the people who were farther away or up high in the bleachers could see us get our diplomas; and the other outside to the overflow crowd that would be watching from a roped off area in the vacant lot by the gym. Some people even tailgated in the gym parking lot to listen to the ceremony, something that was probably unique to our small country town.
I made it to my designated row and followed Robbie to our assigned seats. When we were told to sit down, I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I had been holding.
I clutched the clear marble with the swirl of orange and blue in its center in my fist, feeling the small ball of glass dig into my palm. Again, I was consumed with a feeling of disillusion. I felt detached from this whole ritual, wondering why I even bothered to show up. I had no family, and the only people who cared if I walked across that stage were more than likely at work right now. I bought no invitations to send, having no one to send them to. I was a solitary being with no tether to anything here anymore.
I was putting the trailer up for sale, and after it was sold, I was gone. I could have just had them mail me the piece of paper, but I had a feeling that the only reason I was even here was seated a few rows behind me.
“Sunny Blackfox,” Dr. Thomas’s voiced boomed over the loud speaker.
I shook my head, ridding myself of my dark thoughts and sucked in a quick breath as I rose from my seat.
I slid past the few people seated in front of me and made my way up to the stage, watching my feet take every step. My stomach churned from the feel of everyone’s attention directed toward me. I wouldn’t allow my eyes to look in the direction that I so desperately wanted to, to search for his face as a source of comfort. I had to remind myself
that he didn’t exist for me anymore. He couldn’t.
As I ascended the steps of the platform, the atmosphere changed. People started gasping, most whispering, and a few were laughing. I looked up at Dr. Thomas to see his face was away from the microphone, looking at someone behind him, and yelling, “Get that off the screen!”
I was standing on the edge of the stage when I heard what sounded like a guttural moan that was vaguely familiar. I jerked my head toward the screen, and my heart stopped. Then it shattered.
The marble that I had been holding dropped with a small thunk and rolled somewhere on stage. I felt bile crawl up my throat at what I saw on the screen.
It was Judd, sitting on the side of a bed in an unfamiliar room, with a girl kneeling between his legs.
I stood frozen, watching the person I was in love with being intimate with another girl as it was broadcasted on a big screen in front of practically the whole town while I was supposed to be walking across this stage to receive my diploma.
When the screen went black, I looked around and saw the titillation on most of the faces in the crowd. I saw mothers with hands over their children’s eyes, and others who were studying the ductwork and lighting hanging from the ceiling. I avoided looking at my classmates, not wanting to see the laughter or the smirks on their faces. Most of all, I couldn’t look at Judd.
I couldn’t bear it, so on that thought, I ran. I sprinted across the stage and down the set of steps, oblivious to the people calling my name. I ran for the exit, slamming into the metal push bar that opened the door to the outside and flinging it open hard enough that it crashed into the wall with a loud bang. I ran through the parking lot, not even noticing that I had lost my cap somewhere along the way and made it to the truck.
I hiked up the gown and dug into the pocket of my jeans for the keys. Once I had those in hand, I fumbled with the lock and opened the door. Getting in the cab, I slammed the keys in the ignition and fired up my red Nissan. Then I tore out of the parking lot like a bat out of hell.
