by Sadie Allen
“What changed? And can you go back to the falling in love with me part?” I choked out, tears still falling, but for a different reason now.
“As always, you,” he answered. “You are what changed everything … again. I haven’t been ignoring you over the past few weeks. I’ve seen how badly I hurt you written all over every expression, every word … It killed me.” Tears were now flowing from his own eyes. “And when you told me you loved me … I didn’t think you meant it.”
The beeping of the machine grew faster as my blood started boiling in my veins. He hadn’t thought I meant it? I had never told a guy that before, and he just wrote me off?
I narrowed my eyes, but before I could let him have it, he continued.
“I thought you’d get over it after the first week, but when you didn’t … I started doubting myself. I’ve been doing that a lot lately. You make me question everything—my parents’ situation, the person I thought I was, my past. I was going to beg for your forgiveness after graduation, but then that video …” His cheeks turned red, and he looked away from me.
I knew that something like that had humiliated him, yet he still came for me.
I felt the anger begin to ebb. Then he looked back up, face ravaged, and he looked so lost that my heart broke for him. Whatever anger I had been feeling drained away completely.
“I had to explain. I … I’d never felt so desperate. I wasn’t sure that you were going to forgive me for breaking your heart, but then after that video … I was pretty sure that you were going to slam the door in my face when I showed up at your house. Then I heard the gunshots.”
He inhaled, and it was shuddered like he couldn’t draw in enough air. “I’d never been so scared in my life. I knew then that I’d do whatever it took to get you back, and I prayed that I would make it inside in time to save you. That I wouldn’t fail you again.” Judd lowered his forehead to our clasped hands, his back rising and falling rapidly until it gradually slowed down. He was fighting to control the emotion that had overwhelmed him.
After he seemed to have gotten a lock on it, he raised his head, giving me only a view of his mesmerizing baby blue eyes. I could read everything from just that one look. All the love, all the longing, all the uncertainty. It was everything.
The small flame transformed into a blazing wildfire that destroyed the cold darkness I had been living with until I felt nothing but warmth.
When I squeezed his hand, he softly, so softly, pressed his lips to the back of my hand, all the while ensnaring me with the intensity of his gaze.
“You didn’t fail me, Judd. I probably wouldn’t be here right now if you hadn’t come after me.”
His eyes turned dark before he closed them slowly, as if he were in pain. He took another deep breath, and then another before reopening them, the intensity there again.
“I love you, Sunny,” he said with such conviction, as if he were willing me to absorb those words physically.
The tears that had abated started up again, and a sob tore from my chest, which freakin’ hurt! Everything hurt, but crying really hurt.
The machine at my bedside started beeping out of control, and that was when the nurse came in, walking briskly over to the monitor and pressing buttons.
She was a petite, plump lady with short, greying dark hair that fluffed like a halo around her head.
Before she could ruin the moment any further, I looked into those beloved blue eyes of Judd’s and whispered, “I love you, too.”
The smile that lit his face was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and would be ingrained in my memory for the rest of my life.
“Is he bothering you, Miss Blackfoot?” the nurse asked in a chiding tone, shooting a look over at Judd. She then walked over to the dry erase board and wrote the name Dolores in black marker. “I’ve let him stay since he looks so pathetic, but if he’s disturbing you, he’s going to have to leave.”
“No—” I coughed then winced. It was excruciating. “He’s not bothering me,” I finally croaked out, trying for a small smile. I doubted I was successful since she gave me a dubious look like she didn’t believe me, but she didn’t say anything else about it.
“As you can see, my name is Dolores, and I’ll be your day nurse. How are you feeling, Miss Blackfox?” Dolores asked while she walked back over and started checking the IV.
I grimaced, which I thought pretty much said it all. My chest and arm felt like they were on fire.
“On a scale from one to ten, what is your pain level? One being little to no pain and ten being unbearable.”
“Um … Maybe a seven or an eight?”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought. I’m going to take your vitals really quickly, then you can have some pain medicine.” She pulled a blood pressure cuff from a little rolling basket that I hadn’t noticed her pulling along when she had come in and took my blood pressure. “Good,” she murmured. “We had to give you a transfusion when you came in, so your blood pressure being back in the normal range is really good.” Then she took my temperature. “No fever; another good sign. You’re very lucky, Miss Blackfox.”
I nodded my head carefully. At the moment, I felt like I was the luckiest girl in the world. Judd had come back to me, and he loved me. Lucky.
Dolores held up a small, clear plastic cup with pills inside. “This is your pain medicine and your antibiotic.” She handed my cup of water to Judd and the pain medicine over to my good hand, forcing Judd to let go and lean back away from the bed.
Frowning, I carefully knocked back the pills.
“Make sure you take those with a full glass of water.”
I handed the little cup back to her and took the glass of water from Judd, taking small sips like he had told me to do earlier.
Dolores nodded approvingly then turned toward Judd. “I suggest that when those pills of hers kick in, you go home to shower and sleep. She’s awake now and in good hands. You can come back in a bit.”
“Thank you for letting me stay this long, Dolores,” he said in a thick voice.
She winked at him then left.
Judd and I just looked at each other. He really did need to go shower and change clothes.
He pulled the chair closer to the bed and sat down before taking my hand in his again. “Listen, before I leave, I want to explain … Well … I have to explain that video.”
The happiness instantly dimmed, and from the guarded look on his face, I could tell it had for him as well.
I wanted to pull my hand from his, not sure I wanted to touch him while he explained. I really, as in really, didn’t want to talk about that stupid video right now. My stomach gave a little flip, and it wasn’t the good kind of flip.
“Judd …” I tried to stop him from going any further, but he was determined.
He squeezed my hand. “We have to talk about this now. I don’t want to wait. After we leave this hospital, I want us to leave it all behind. You and me? We’re together. I love you, and you love me. We’re moving to Dallas, and Sand Creek will only be a bad memory. So, whenever they release you, we’re going to make plans for that and pack up.”
I felt a small smile tug at the corner of my mouth. We were really going to do this. I could see it in the way his face was set like steel that he was determined to make this work.
“But before we can do that, I need to lay it out about that freakin’ video.”
I felt the smile drop. I had already figured out what had happened with the video by the time I had gotten back to the trailer. It was his hair. His hair had been short in that video, meaning it couldn’t have happened during any of the time he had been with me. Still … Who would want to talk about a video of their boyfriend getting a … yeah.
Right now, I just didn’t have the energy to fight with him, so it looked like we were going to have it out now.
“I didn’t know that was videotaped.”
I kept my mouth shut. What could I say? I didn’t think he would be into something like that, but i
t was nice to have it confirmed.
When I said nothing, he kept going.
“I barely remember that night … It was at a party at the Klein’s, before Ashley and I started dating. The girl is Laura Morris. Her and I would hook up on occasion when we were both single. That night, we both had been drinking and slipped off to one of the guest rooms. And, well, you know what happened.” His cheeks were now pink.
His explanation both pissed me off a little bit and made my stomach turn again.
He must have read the look on my face, because his next explanation was, “I haven’t talked to her since that night, honey. After she graduated last year, she went to some school out of state, and I haven’t heard from her since.”
“Okay.”
That helped a little bit, but still, I had that live action good-bye of theirs burned into my brain.
“Sunny, I don’t want this to come between us. I love you. I want only you. I didn’t cheat on you. That’s what I was afraid you would think happened, but I didn’t. It was—”
“I get it, Judd. I know you didn’t cheat on me. I’m mad, but not mad … I know that doesn’t make any sense, but it’s just how I feel right now. I’m mad because that stupid video had to play while I walked across stage. I’m mad because Ashley Klein is a major bitch. Like, a bitch to the nth degree. I’m also mad that you were with her at all. I guess I could say that about both of them. Laura wasn’t much better than Ashley when she was in school.”
I looked over at Judd to see his face was downcast, brows furrowed and mouth tight. He wasn’t thinking good thoughts.
“Judd …”
“I don’t want to lose you again,” he whispered.
I took my hand from his and reached up to touch the side of his face. It was rough and scruffy, but I liked the feel of it against my fingers.
“I love you,” I whispered while rubbing my thumb along his cheekbone.
He turned his face into my touch and closed his eyes.
“This isn’t going to come between us, I promise. But I just need time to process everything that’s happened to me in such a short amount of time.”
I could feel my body getting heavy. It wouldn’t be long before my pain pills took me off to dreamland.
“I get it.”
“I mean, what if our situations were reversed?” I asked. “How would you feel, me and some guy doing that burned on your brain?”
His face turned red, and his jaw turned hard under my palm. “I get it. Just don’t forget that you weren’t the only one embarrassed, okay? That was my junk put on a projector for everyone to see … That was something really private that everyone saw.”
“I know, and I’m angry for you, too. My emotions are just a mess right now, okay?”
“Okay,” he said on a sigh.
I could feel the fight draining from me. I was struggling to keep my eyes open.
“Before you pass out on me, I want to give you something.”
I willed my eyes open, watching him reach into the drawer of the nightstand beside the hospital bed and pull out a white, glossy sack.
He opened the sack, reaching in as he said, “I know the one your mom made got destroyed …” Judd pulled out one of the most beautiful dream catchers I had ever seen and placed it into my hand.
I studied it, amazed at all the detail. It was small; the wooden hoop made up of thick, brown, wicker-like wood, twisted together to form a perfect circle. The webbing made of ivory string was tightly woven until it had a little hole in the center, and tiny turquoise stones were sewn in, making a ring toward the outer part of the webbing. My favorite part was the hanging on the bottom. Lots of cream, brown, tan, dark blue, and light and dark turquoise beads. It led to feathers that were two different colors; one, cream and brown ombre, and the other a deep turquoise. What melted my heart, though, were the tiny charms attached and dispersed throughout the beads by small, silver rings.
I fingered each one, seeing that it wasn’t a random dream catcher that he had bought at a knickknack store. He’d had this made.
I touched the wooden spoon, a silver J, a fox, a graduation cap, a gold sun, and finally, a garnet heart.
“I know it’s not the same …”
My chest felt tight, and I couldn’t stop the tears that filled my eyes and flowed freely down my cheeks.
“… but just like your mom, I want all your dreams to come true. I remember what you said about why the one she made you was turquoise … It being a symbol of love. So, I asked the lady to make it turquoise. And I know it’s probably lame, but I thought that maybe, if you had another one, it would always remind you of my love for you and to keep working, keep chasing those dreams you’ve been working toward all these years. I bought it a while back to give to you as a graduation present.”
A sob caught in my throat, which killed me, but I didn’t care. Could I love him any more than I did at this second? All of my anger and disappointment just washed down the drain.
This boy loved me, and I loved him so deeply. Nothing else mattered.
My touch became reverent as I held the dream catcher in the palm of my hand, running my thumb over the garnet heart.
“It’s perfect,” I said on a sigh.
I then felt his weight on the side of my bed and his lips touch my forehead. I closed my eyes and exhaled a shuddered breath.
The heaviness back, my limbs sank into the bed, and my head relaxed deeper into the pillow. The last thing I remembered as I drifted into a drug-induced sleep was his voice, sweet and soft, whispering, “Go to sleep, beautiful.”
Judd
LEAVING SUNNY WAS HARD, but now that she was awake, I needed to go by the house and get cleaned up. Lifting the edge of my shirt to my nose and taking a big sniff just confirmed what I had suspected. I stunk.
As I walked by the nurses’ station, I spied Dolores sitting behind the counter, writing on a clipboard. She glanced up at me over her small reading glasses as I paused by the desk.
“You going home?”
“Yeah, I need a shower, but I’ll be back.”
“Take your time. She’s out of the woods for now as long as she takes it easy.”
I just looked at her, and she sighed.
“I guess I’ll see you in a bit then.”
I nodded as I headed toward the exit. Then I glanced toward the waiting room and stopped dead. What was she doing here?
Sitting on a plastic chair in the waiting room was my mother. Her hair was perfectly styled, dressed in black pants, a pink shirt-sweater combo that seemed to be popular among moms everywhere, with her purse tucked into her lap. I was tempted to just keep walking, seeing as the last time she had spoken to me about Sunny hadn’t ended well, but her eyes had already found me.
I sighed, knowing that there was no way I was going to be able to avoid her. Then I reluctantly walked over and sat in the empty seat next to her.
We sat there for a moment, not saying a word, listening to the tick of the clock on the wall. She kept flexing her hands on top of her purse, and I noticed that there was no stench of alcohol coming off of her. In the past, it would be almost overpowering by this time of day, so acrid that it would blast off her in waves.
“I’ve been a crap mom,” was her bizarre opener.
I didn’t say anything. There was nothing to say. She had been a crap mom.
“I’ve been sober since your graduation.”
Now that was surprising. As far as I knew, she didn’t even show up to it. I hadn’t seen her in over a week, having been here or at Sunny’s trailer.
I coughed as I tried to clear my throat before saying, “That’s good.”
“I joined AA.”
I felt my jaw drop and turned to look at her fully. She was still looking straight ahead, studying the wall like it held the secrets of life somewhere on it.
“Uh … That’s really good, Mom.”
She simply nodded, still staring at the wall, and then she started crying. She didn’t make another so
und as tears slid down her face and dripped down her neck.
I looked frantically around the room for tissues and saw a box on a low table across the room. I jumped up and rushed over to them, snatching the box and bringing it back to my mother. I offered her the box, and she pulled a few out, delicately blotting her face.
“I’m sorry, Judd.” Her voice was hoarse and cracked on my name.
“You don’t have to be sorry for crying.”
“That’s not what I’m sorry for.”
I sat there a moment, not knowing what to do in the face of her emotions. I just knew I could probably make a two-page list of things for her to be sorry about. Therefore, I was interested in what she felt like she should apologize for.
“What are you sorry for, Mom?”
“I’m sorry for not being there for you during the past five months. That I missed this time in your life—your graduation, your signing day, taking pictures of you and Sunny before prom …”
I looked at her in surprise. How had she known I took Sunny to prom?
She answered as if I asked my question aloud, “How could I miss all the racket you were making in the kitchen? I got nosey, spied on you from the crack in the door, and eventually saw you leave the house that night all dressed up and carrying a corsage.”
My throat got tight, and my chest felt hollow. I could feel emotion building inside of me, threatening to spill out of my eyes like my mother’s.
“I’m sorry for not giving Sunny a chance. Maybe if I had, you’d have called me when she got hurt. I’m also sorry for something else …”
I held my breath, knowing what she was going to say next was probably going to suck.
She visibly inhaled, and then blew out a breath. “I’m sorry for forcing your father to leave.”
This time, I was the one who sucked in a breath.
“I was so, so angry. I’m not going to go into all the specifics because … well … it’s none of your business. But I shouldn’t have made him leave without talking to you.”
I leaned forward, resting my forearms on my knees and letting my head drop down to my hands.
