What You Wanted

by Mina V. Esguerra

  “You haven’t? Say yes. Stop hiding from him.”

  “He’s probably bringing the wife along. They’re attached at the hip.”

  “Where in Taguig?”

  “Fattest Duck.”

  “That’s near Onion Flowers, isn’t it? You should go. If you hate it, then ditch them and find me.”

  “And walk into Geraldine’s seduction trap?”

  “You can handle her.”

  I could, though. I laughed into the phone, and because it was rooted in being mean, it gave me more pleasure than it should.

  “Did you want me to help you out?” Damon asked. “How big of a guy is he?”

  “Please, no caveman posturing,” I said. “Yes, I’ll be fine. I was talking myself into it, but I’ll be fine. You’re taller, anyway.”

  “Damn right. And better?”

  “Don’t be crass.”

  “You’re not answering the question. Who’s better at making you come?”

  “Holy shit!” My ears burned up and I quickly side-eyed the guy behind me in the elevator queue, wondering if he’d heard. “Where are you and why are you asking me this? Won’t your officemates hear you? Won’t my brother-in-law hear you?”

  “I’m out, heading to a client meeting. But you don’t have to answer that; I know it’s me.”

  “I’m hanging up now,” I said, “Before you get me in trouble.”

  “See you tonight,” Damon said. “Don’t hide from him anymore.”

  I ended the call before I could confirm to him either way, but he wouldn’t have needed it.

  He knew I’d do it.

  And he was better.

  ***

  As luck would have it, Onion Flowers and Fattest Duck were right beside each other. The location wasn’t so clear to me because Fattest Duck was new. But Yel knew where it was, and true to her word, she picked me up and made sure I was at this thing.

  Maybe it was better that Yel was given the task of picking me up. I was in the car with her for almost an hour, and all we talked about was Julie’s wedding. Yel loved talking about weddings, never mind that she was single herself. She drank up all these little details like centerpieces and invitation font choices, and would have considered a career in this, if she hadn’t already joined her mom’s fashion business.

  If Shayla had been my designated driver, I might have had to talk about why I hadn’t been around as much. She would have asked one question about the wedding and then interrogated me as if my absence personally offended her.

  Talk about wedding stuff, talk about wedding stuff, I told myself, realizing that this was the way out of a potentially stickier situation.

  The way the two restaurants were laid out, connected and curved, I could see out our window and into theirs. I chose a seat at our table that would let me do that. Not that I saw anyone already over there that I recognized, but knowing Damon was going to be there, or already was there...it made me feel less alone.

  Eventually the table filled up. Me, Yel, Shayla, Kris. I told the same story about Anton’s speech twice, because they seemed to like it.

  “I can’t believe Julie’s married now,” Kris gushed. “I totally thought you’d get hitched before she did.”

  By then I’d had a little bit of light beer and knew I had to keep it cheerful. “Kris!” I said, plastering on the big smile. “You know I won’t make that mistake so soon. Lots of dragons left to slay.”

  Shayla nodded. “We’re all too young. And finding someone who’s worth it is getting so hard, seriously.”

  All of us at this table, so far, were twenty-six and single.

  Not so bad, I thought, my breath easing a little. This was why I liked hanging out with them in the first place. I liked them. They were my people.

  “Well, here are the people who’d argue with you on that,” Yel said. “Hey, lovebirds.”

  I knew what that meant.

  By choosing this spot, where I could see out this particular window and into the restaurant next door, I had dropped my guard entirely. And they had arrived.

  Maybe I was hoping Thad would be different. I would never wish overnight ugliness on a friend, and he was still that, if nothing else. What I wished for was that he would be different to me, that I would somehow forget how I felt for him, and why his rejection of me hurt so much.

  Too bad no genie was around.

  So Thad arrived, with Naomi, his wife. She was as cute and perky as I remembered. We were nearly the same height, but she was a little rounder, a little sturdier, maybe all the better to keep her on the ground, and not have her fly away. She spoke with a sweet tone, and the way she warmly and instantly smiled and air-kissed my friends told me how often they did this, how comfortable they all were together. Great.

  Naomi was taking the long way around to me, so that left me with several seconds of her husband’s undivided attention.

  He was just as handsome, and Thad.

  “Hey, Andrea,” he said, initiating with a peck on my cheek. “I’m glad you’re here.”

  “I had a ride.” My voice sounded smaller. My throat had closed up, a tiny bit. It was low enough that Thad probably didn’t hear, and he leaned in a little closer, wanting me to repeat what I’d said. I almost panicked, because he was too close, my lips too near his neck, and I didn’t want my friends’ new friend Naomi to notice anything.

  I began to remember things. How tentative that first kiss had been. Things he told me. How I felt so good.

  By the time Naomi made it to me, she hesitated, because she’d never really hung out with me, but it didn’t seem fair if I got a handshake while the others got hugs and kisses. So we did the polite thing—we hugged. She air-kissed me.

  She didn’t feel like an Ice Princess. She felt like a real woman, a person who could have been my friend, if I didn’t know that she was meant to be a suitable replacement for me. And when she smiled and sat down, right beside me, with Thad on her other side, I had to keep the smile on my face as the conversation completely shifted from Julie’s wedding, and the great idea of our single status, to the musical Naomi saw last week, the one Yel and Shayla recommended she see, that she loved.

  Naomi could have been my friend.

  This was it. This was where my first attempt at relationship feelings went to die. At a table for six, in a restaurant that served really fat duck. It would die among my closest friends, none of whom knew what had happened to me, what I had lost, and who killed it.

  I needed a break.

  ***

  “Are you in there? Come out.”

  “Where are you?”

  “Outside Fattest Duck. Outdoor tables.”

  “I see you.”

  Damon was rushing out of the other restaurant like it was an emergency. As soon as I saw him I smiled, and dropped my phone back into my pocket. He was here, and part of me didn’t need to die in this place, witnessed by hipster foodies.

  “You need anything?” he asked.

  But he knew it, what I needed. Immediately he had an arm around my back, pulling me flush against his body. Our foreheads touched.

  “You’re okay.” Damon’s voice was a cheerful whisper. It was because he was smiling, wider than I’d expected, and it was because he knew that they were looking. He knew that my friends were all gawking out the window, seeing me in the arms of this handsome stranger, who seemed really happy to be with me. “What do you need me to do?”

  “This is perfect,” I said. “Holding me like you mean it. This is perfect. How’s your dinner?”

  “Interesting,” he said. Damon reached for my hair and tucked a lock of it behind my ear, unnecessarily. “Strange. They serve everything with onions.”

  “Is Geraldine there?”

  “Yes.”

  “She talked to you?”

  “A lot. She wants me to help out with a work thing.”

  Ugh. Why did I not like hearing that? Because I knew, from one sexually-aware woman to another, what that meant. When you’ve made up you
r mind, you’ve made up your mind. “She’s moving fast.”

  Damon laughed. “She can try.”

  “What kind of work thing?”

  “Team building for her team. She wants to take them shooting.”

  Because Damon was a shooter. Of course. “You’re helping her with it?”

  He shrugged. “I said I would. I figured I’d take you along with me.”

  That was surprising. What was Damon thinking, suggesting that? He could have her right now. The “moves” were quite obvious, and I didn’t have to see them made with my own eyes to know it. If all he wanted was to conquer the unconquerable, then he could do that right now, he had all the opening he needed.

  Why was he delaying this, unless he wanted to save the best for last?

  But I understood. Damon and I, we needed our petty revenge however we could get it.

  I smiled, sweetly, because I wanted to be as good at this performance as he was. “Is she looking out the window at us right now?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Kiss me.”

  “You didn’t have to ask. Any requests? Sweet and respectful?”

  “Make it shocking.”

  Damon’s laugh barely concealed his glee. He bent to kiss me, and led that kiss with his tongue. My response was just as shameless, my suppressed laughter carrying delight.

  Talk about THAT, friends. I dare you.

  Chapter 8

  “Hey.”

  “Hey, Thad.”

  “Are you...you meeting up with your guy?”

  I checked the time, and shook my head. “It’s too early. He won’t be done with dinner. And that’s his group, he’ll do his own thing.”

  “Oh. Okay.”

  Once the check for dinner had been settled and Kris decided she wanted cheesecake, my group left our spot and made our way to the pastry place nearby. Naomi and Yel were talking about something, and Thad and I were able to hang back, and speak, without it looking weird.

  I could handle it. I felt better. The stunt with Damon had done what it should; thrown the conversation, and cleared any suspicions in Thad’s mind that I was still pining for him, if he had thought them at all. When I went back into the restaurant, my friends demanded an official explanation, and I was as coy as they would let me.

  “We have fun,” I’d said. “He’s a fun guy.”

  I’d conveniently left out how he was not only loads of fun, but also my most effective emotional crutch right now. I was being petty as well. My friends were supposed to be that for me, but here they were adopting Thad’s wife instead.

  “How did you meet?” Thad asked.

  It was oh so casual. Because he did that, before, when he saw me with someone new. He did the “friendly” thing and asked about the guy, who he was, if I knew what I was doing. All out of friendly concern, the kind you have for a friend who can’t help herself.

  “A wedding,” I said. I didn’t want to say which one, because that was very recent, and I wanted him to think that this had deeper roots. “And he’s friends with my brother-in-law.”

  “You’re happy?”

  What an odd question for a friend of mine to ask. My friends knew never to ask me if I was happy—I never did anything that deprived me of any kind of happiness. I was not a martyr type, who suffered in silence if I had to.

  But maybe I was, the past year or so? Because of Thad?

  None of your business, I wanted to say, but any kind of anger would be wrong. Inappropriate.

  “I always am,” I told him, my lips set.

  “Good,” he said. “I really...I’m thankful that we’re friends again.”

  He was being so careful with his words, the volume of his voice, his tone. He was thankful but probably wasn’t sure, didn’t think he could just pick up where he left off. How much time would it take before he could joke about things with me again? Before he and I could watch movies together, share food, guard over Kris who could never handle her liquor? (“Mommy and daddy,” she jokingly called us, never when she was sober.)

  I thought sleeping together would be our natural progression. We’d get to have each other without changing what we were to our friends, but I was wrong.

  Damon had already told me that I should give up, precisely because Thad didn’t just break up with me, or reject me—he had married someone else, so soon, meaning he closed the door, threw a bar over it, and nailed it shut. He made it so that it would have to stay shut, or his life would be completely turned to shit.

  Who does that? And why to me?

  The anger didn’t go away, but having Damon remind me I could do this made it easier to stay calm. I decided to let Thad get away with it, this time.

  This made me think of Damon, and I looked in the direction of Onion Flowers. A lucky moment, because I actually saw him, outside, and he was talking to Geraldine.

  I may have decided to hate her on principle, but she was someone I would probably be friends with, too. Geraldine Javier knew she looked good, and dressed in a way that maximized that power. She would have looked great in a blanket wrapped around her body, but I knew she would never step out leaving that much to chance. Sleek hair, perfectly red lips.

  My kind of girl. I understood her.

  And she definitely was coming on to Damon. They were standing a respectable distance apart but her hand was on his elbow every chance she could do it. With a little bend toward him that bridged the gap with a view of cleavage.

  “Excuse me,” I said absently, fishing for my phone. I dialed Damon.

  “Hey, gorgeous,” he said, and from across the hipster foodie complex I saw him smiling, head slightly turned away from her now, probably looking for me. “You done with dinner?”

  “We are,” I replied. “And you’re not?”

  “Resting.”

  “You look like you’re flirting, is what you’re doing.”

  The call is coming from inside the house. Damon’s smile got wider and he shifted back, further from Geraldine, and tried to search for me again. “You like to watch, don’t you?”

  “Just you.”

  “And where are you going now?”

  “Cake. Coffee.”

  “You know you can drop by the condo when you’re done.”

  He might have faced away from his companion, but she was sure to be hearing all of this. Brazen. “We have work tomorrow.”

  “I can drive you.”

  “Are your magical shops open that early in the morning? What do I wear to work?”

  He laughed. I saw him, from where I was, and the smile transmitted through the distance just fine. “No, but the ones here are still open.”

  I also saw very clearly the way Geraldine’s back stiffened, how she was now looking at her phone, pretending this wasn’t at all interesting to her.

  Would I have agreed to this even if she wasn’t around to witness it and suffer?

  “Well,” I said, “I guess I have no excuse.”

  When I ended the call, I looked up and saw Thad looking at me. Our friends had gone into the cake shop but he was waiting outside with me, politely, like he was being a good friend.

  “Sorry about that. Anyway, life changed up a lot recently,” I said. “Still adjusting. If you miss having me hassle you about things, then don’t worry, I’ll be back in fighting form soon.”

  “All right,” he said. He probably wasn’t expecting me to finish that thought. “Is your guy seeing someone else? You’re not exclusive?”

  Of course he would have seen Damon and Geraldine too. The fact that he even asked, because wouldn’t you like to know, made the mean girl part of me laugh silently.

  I bit my lip and shrugged, trying to be mysterious. “You should head in there, Thad.”

  He nodded, a little taken aback. “I’m glad we...we can be friends again, Andrea.”

  Thad waited throughout my phone call, while his wife and our friends were already inside, so he could tell me this. From ten years of friendship I knew that Thad could be a snarky gu
y, a rude guy, a mean-spirited guy, but something always pulled him back from being a complete asshole.

  Guilt.

  I nodded, and gave him a small smile. “Of course,” I told him. “Excuse me, I have to go buy something.”

  ***

  I wasn’t feeling guilt at all later that night, on Damon’s bed, but I was thinking about it.

  The sex was over and we were a tangle of limbs, resting on pillows, using our phones. The lights were off, we had both showered and changed into sleepwear, and were minutes away from actually sleeping. Damon was checking work email.

  I was thinking of whether to reply to Thad.

  It was nice hanging out with you again, was his message, sent after midnight.

  Damon stirred beside me; he had peeked at my screen. “Fuck. Seriously?”

  I raised an eyebrow. “I should ignore it.”

  “Damn right you should. I thought you were watching a video. How long were you staring at it?”

  “A few minutes.”

  “Doesn’t seem like it.”

  “But we’re friends now. I should say thanks, or something.”

  Damon laughed, not happily. It was a scoff, dismissive and mean.

  “Why not?” I demanded, poking his rib. “You’re one to talk. Helping Geraldine with her work thing.”

  “I’ve never slept with her.”

  “When I met you, you were planning to!”

  And you still are. I couldn’t help but think that even as I curled more into his body, into a white shirt identical to the one he had given me, avoiding looking at him. Geraldine was already throwing herself at him. It was only going to be a matter of time.

  “What do you like about him?”

  “What?” Not what I was expecting to hear.

  Damon tossed his phone aside and shifted his weight, turning toward me. He found my knee, exposed and lying on his leg, and gently cupped it with his big hand.

  When I showed up earlier, we weren’t in the mood for gentle. I was needy, and maybe being around Geraldine had frustrated him somehow...anyway, we were tearing each other’s clothes off as soon as I walked in.