Where the Love Gets In

by Tara Heavey

  ‘No, Aidan. This place is packed with people eating. They’ve been serving everyone around us.’

  ‘Sarah.’ His voice was more urgent. ‘We need to leave. Maia’s getting agitated.’

  Sarah swung around to look at her daughter. It was true that she was muttering to herself and starting to rock. Sarah scanned the rest of the café in genuine confusion. Every eye was riveted upon her, every diner enjoying the show. Aidan gathered up their things and bundled the three of them out of the door.

  They walked along the street in silence, Sarah dazed, Aidan raw, until they got to the cottage. The only place in the whole town where no one could get them. Sarah went straight up to her room. Aidan followed the minute Maia was settled. He knocked gently on the door. There was no reply but he went in anyway. She was sitting on the bed, her eyes cast down. He sat on the floor looking up at her. She shook her head. ‘I don’t understand it,’ she said. ‘How could they be so cruel?’ She appeared genuinely mystified.

  ‘They’ve obviously heard that we’re together now. That I’ve left Fiona.’

  She stared at him, then nodded briefly. ‘So soon?’

  ‘Small-town gossip. You’re not in Dublin now, you know.’

  ‘Maybe I should be.’

  He didn’t know it but his face was grief-stricken. She touched his cheek gently. ‘I meant maybe we both should be.’

  ‘Oh.’ He relaxed visibly. ‘Is that what you want?’

  ‘No. I don’t want to take Maia away from Star. But maybe it would be better for all of us. What do you think?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ He scratched his head, as if trying to make the thoughts come out right. ‘They’re not going to make it easy for us, people around here. But on the other hand this is where my livelihood is. And it’s my home. The Ryans have been here for as long as – if not longer than – any other family. I don’t like the idea of being run out of town.’

  ‘Of course not.’

  ‘And I know it sounds strange, but I don’t want to leave my family.’ He allowed himself an ironic smile and rubbed his eyes with his thumbs.

  Sarah stroked the back of his head. ‘Maybe it would be easier for them if we weren’t here,’ she said softly.

  He considered this. ‘Maybe.’ He looked deep into her eyes.

  She gazed back into his. ‘Why are you doing this, Aidan?’

  ‘I have no choice.’ He stated his truth simply.

  ‘There’s always a choice.’

  ‘Not for me. Not since I met you.’

  ‘I don’t want to be your crucifixion, Aidan.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I don’t want to be an excuse for you to sacrifice yourself.’

  ‘Why would I want to do that?’

  ‘I don’t know. People can be weird.’

  ‘Not me.’

  ‘You don’t think you’re weird?’

  ‘Watch it.’ He smiled at her.

  ‘Seriously, Aidan. It’s very romantic and all, and I’m happy you’re here with me, but I don’t relish the prospect of ruining other people’s lives.’

  ‘Their lives won’t be ruined. They’re hurt, very hurt, but they’ll get over it in time.’

  ‘You really think so?’ She wanted to believe him.

  ‘I do. And everyone else will get used to it too. And they’ll move on to the next hot topic of conversation.’

  ‘It’d have to be pretty good to top this. The actress and the fisherman.’

  ‘The actress and the bishop, maybe.’

  ‘Yes. We’ll have to arrange that.’

  It was such a blessed relief to laugh.

  ‘So you want to stay, then?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Me too.’

  ‘So that’s settled.’

  She went to get off the bed but something stopped her. Aidan saw her skin turn to ash. ‘What is it? What’s wrong?’

  ‘Nothing’s wrong. Nothing at all. I think I’ll just lie here for a while.’ She lowered herself onto the bed as if she was made of porcelain.

  ‘Do you need anything?’

  ‘Maybe one of those painkillers the consultant gave me. They’re in the press above the toaster.’

  ‘Okay.’ He was in the kitchen before she’d closed her eyes. He located the tablets and took them down. They were as yet unopened. This was the first time. It was starting. So soon?

  Chapter 30

  It was night-time and Tommy and Alannah were sitting in their childhood kitchen. Everything familiar, yet so unfamiliar.

  ‘At least she got dressed today.’

  ‘Yes, that’s something.’

  Alannah had managed to convince Fiona to put on some clothes some time around midday. Then she’d coaxed her out onto the deck for a while. That was as far from the house as she could get her to go. Fiona seemed horrified at the notion of seeing or being seen by any of the neighbours. Neither would she answer the phone. Alannah and Tommy had had to concoct a variety of excuses between them. They had spent the day taking turns to sit with her, watching daytime TV mostly.

  ‘Do you think she’s in shock?’

  ‘I do.’

  They’d kept trying to fill her with hot sweet tea and cover her with blankets. Fiona had grown impatient with them. ‘I’m not an invalid, you know.’

  Now she was in bed again. Out of her clothes. They presumed the routine would continue indefinitely.

  ‘What are we going to do?’

  ‘I don’t know, Tom. I have to go back to London in a few days. They won’t keep my job open for ever.’

  ‘You can’t leave me here on my own with her.’

  ‘I’m going to have to. You’re a big boy now, Tommy.’ She had to laugh at his expression. ‘Don’t worry. Mam will pull herself together. You’ll see. She’s a fighter.’

  ‘Maybe she’ll go around to Sarah Dillon’s house and beat her up.’

  They chortled briefly at the notion.

  ‘Dad says she’s dying.’

  ‘I know. You said.’

  The mood was instantly sombre again.

  ‘I could kill Dad.’

  ‘So could I.’

  Neither had a problem displaying their anger but the pain underneath – that was better hidden.

  ‘Are you going to meet up with him while you’re here?’

  ‘I don’t know, Tom. I don’t know what to do.’

  ‘I think you should go and see him.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘See if you can talk some sense into him.’

  ‘What makes you think he’d listen to me?’

  ‘Because you’re his pet.’

  ‘Am not.’

  ‘Are too.’

  She was quiet. What if she wasn’t his pet any more? What if Sarah Dillon had usurped that role? Or Maia. Did he think of the little girl as his daughter now?

  ‘So, are you going to see him?’

  ‘Oh, I don’t know, Tommy. Stop pestering me, will you? I’ll think about it in the morning. I’m too tired now. Did you say Mam was drinking vodka when you found her first?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘The whole bottle?’

  ‘There was some left.’

  ‘Where is it?’

  ‘What – the bottle?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘In the recycling.’

  ‘What about the vodka that was left?’

  ‘I poured it down the sink.’

  ‘What did you do that for, you fecking eejit?’

  ‘I didn’t want her drinking any more of it.’

  ‘That’s a criminal waste of good alcohol.’

  ‘There’s some beer in the fridge.’

  ‘Good man.’ Alannah went and extracted two cans. She took one for herself and placed the other in front of her brother. She sat down again and they popped the tabs simultaneously. ‘Cheers,’ said Alannah, and they clinked cans.

  It was good for a while, like they were proper grown-ups. Then it started to feel wrong, as if the lunatics had
taken over the asylum. They’d never have been doing this if everything was normal. Their mother wouldn’t have allowed it if she’d been in the full of her health. But they each had the impression that if Fiona were to walk into the room right now she wouldn’t bat an eyelid.

  ‘It’s weird,’ said Tommy.

  ‘What is?’

  ‘Having to look after your mother.’

  ‘Mmm.’

  ‘I mean, she’s not even that old.’

  ‘I know. If she was ninety and wearing incontinence pants you’d think, Okay, fair enough. But … Jesus … ’

  They both started to giggle helplessly, like kids again.

  ‘Come on. Drink up. Let’s have another.’

  Another led to another led to another led to a hung-over Tommy and Alannah the next morning. They moved around the kitchen in slow motion, taking turns to stare vacantly into the fridge and moan intermittently. The empty cans still crowded the middle of the table. They finally settled on dry toast and tea, although Tommy was building up to a full Irish.

  ‘What are we going to do with Mam today?’

  ‘Convince her to get up for a start.’

  ‘Will we bring her out for a drive? If we go somewhere far away she might get out for a walk, some fresh air.’

  ‘Jesus, there you go again with all the questions. Let me have my tea first.’ Alannah sat hunched over the table, her head in her hands. Tommy parked himself beside her, leaned back and closed his eyes.

  ‘What’s going on here?’

  They both leaped, then turned to find their mother framed in the kitchen doorway. She was fully dressed, fully made up and, if not looking exactly like her old self, she was giving a very good impression of it.

  ‘Mam. You’re up.’

  ‘I am. And high time by the look of it.’ She click-clacked into the room. ‘Where did all these cans come from?’

  Alannah and Tommy glanced at one another, not knowing whether to be delighted or terrified.

  ‘We thought –’

  ‘You thought wrong. Clear up this mess immediately. I don’t want to see either my children or my kitchen in this state ever again.’

  ‘Yes, Mam.’ Tommy scooped up an armful of cans and went directly to deposit them in the recycling bin.

  ‘How are you feeling, Mam?’

  ‘I’m fine, Alannah. Why wouldn’t I be?’

  ‘Well, because –’

  ‘Is there tea in that pot?’

  ‘There is.’

  Alannah sat down in relief as her mother poured herself a mug of tea.

  ‘My God. What have you done with this? It’s stewed to oblivion. I’ll have to make a fresh pot.’

  Alannah watched her mother’s compact form move quickly and efficiently around the kitchen. Tommy came in and stood beside her. The two Ryan offspring grinned at each other behind her back.

  ‘Are you going to work today, Mam?’

  ‘I’m not.’

  ‘Oh. It’s just that you’re all dressed up.’

  ‘I’m going to Dublin.’

  ‘For the day?’

  Fiona stopped what she was doing and turned to them, leaning back against the sink. Her face and voice softened. ‘No, love. I’m going for a week or so. I haven’t decided how long yet. I just need to get away for a while. I think you’ll both understand.’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘I’ll be staying with Yvonne. I’ve arranged for cover in the surgery.’

  ‘Would you like us to come with you?’

  ‘No, you’re okay, Alannah. Well, you can if you like but there’s really no need. I’m sure you should get back to your job. Not to mention Ross.’

  If Alannah’s face clouded at the mention of her boyfriend’s name, she hid it well. ‘Maybe I can drive up with you. I don’t have a ticket booked so I can fly from Dublin instead of Shannon.’

  ‘I’d like that.’ Fiona smiled for the first time since Alannah’s arrival. ‘How about you, Tom? Fancy coming along for the ride?’

  ‘I’ll stay here if it’s all the same with you. Rufus will need someone to mind him.’ Free house. Magic.

  ‘Okay. But no parties while I’m gone. You can have three friends back at a time, no more than that.’

  ‘Yes, Mam.’ Jesus. When she was back, she was back.

  ‘Right then, Lana. How long do you think it’ll take you to get ready?’

  ‘You’re going now?’

  ‘No time like the present.’

  ‘Well, I did want to go into town and pick up a few things. And I’ll have to pack.’

  ‘Okay, you do that, and I’ll book a flight for you while I’m waiting.’

  ‘My God, Mam. Do I have time for breakfast?’

  Fiona laughed. She laughed! ‘Of course you have time for breakfast.’ She went over to her daughter, seated at the table, placed a hand on each cheek and kissed her forehead. Then she went up to Tommy, who was standing a good head and shoulders above her, grabbed his face in both hands, pulled it down to her and did the same to him. ‘You’re good kids, really.’

  Alannah was in a tizz. She’d thought she’d have more time to make up her mind. To see her dad or not to see him. She could always ring him. But she didn’t want their first contact to be on the phone. She’d noticed that he hadn’t rung her. It hurt but didn’t surprise her. For all he knew, she was still in London, oblivious to it all. She hadn’t been out of the house much since she’d come home – and he was keeping a low profile, no doubt.

  She decided to go and see him. She couldn’t believe she had to go to her house to see her own father. That woman. To think she’d liked her, thought it was exciting and exotic to have Sarah Dillon taking up residence in their town. And now she’d taken up with her dad. Yuck. It was bad enough thinking about your own parents together, but your father with another woman? Jesus. Alannah felt increasingly disgusted and irate the more she thought about it.

  She was there now. At the end of Sarah Dillon’s street. She lurked at the side of the last cottage in the row. What to do? Just march up to the front door and ring the bell? She supposed so. But what if the slut answered? What would she do then?

  Alannah jumped back as Sarah’s front door opened. She waited a few seconds, her breath held, before peering around the wall.

  Maia was the first to skip out onto the pavement. She looked different from how she remembered. Bigger. Then Sarah. She looked all right. Not like someone who was dying. She was wearing her wig. Stupid cow. She was fussing around with Maia, bending down and putting a rucksack on the little girl’s back. Then Alannah’s heart did a little double take as her father stepped out onto the pavement beside them. She watched him shut the door and lock it behind him. He pocketed the key. As if he lived there. Then the two adults positioned themselves on either side of Maia, like they’d done it a million times before, and each took one of her hands in their own. They crossed the street and walked away from Alannah towards the beach, if the bucket and spade her dad was holding in his other hand were anything to go by.

  Alannah felt physically ill. They were just like a family. They were a family. There was no way she could go up to him now. She was no longer part of the unit. And for the first time she felt sorrier for herself than she did for her mother. One part of her family had voluntarily removed himself. Could the other parts survive without him? Did her family still exist?

  She was still pondering this on the way to Dublin in the car with her mother and the silence. It wasn’t awkward. Neither of them seemed to notice it, both absorbed in their own set of thoughts.

  They had left the house around midday. Tommy waved them off almost cheerfully. He had his board under his arm and Rufus snuffling excitedly around his ankles. He was about to go surfing for the first time since the crisis had occurred. Alannah could see how delighted he was that the status quo, as he saw it, was partially restored. One parent at least back to normal.

  But Alannah could see more readily past the façade. It would be a long time before he
r mother was anything like approaching normal. How did a person get over something like this? She didn’t know if she could.

  ‘How’s Ross?’ Fiona surprised her with the question.

  ‘He’s fine.’

  ‘You don’t sound too sure.’

  ‘Don’t I? Oh, we had a stupid row before I left. Nothing serious.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Really.’

  She couldn’t wait to get back to him. Apologize for being such a silly cow. After everything that had happened in the past few days, their row seemed petty and insignificant. She vowed that she would never jeopardize their relationship again. It was too precious, and Ross too special. He would never do to her what her dad had done to her mam.

  She embraced her mother tenderly at the airport. ‘Are you going to be all right, Mam?’

  ‘Of course I am. We all are. You just wait and see.’

  ‘You promise?’ She was nine years old again.

  ‘I promise. Now go. You’ll miss your flight.’

  She felt her mother’s eyes follow her in the queue for security. Every time she looked back she was still standing there. Just before she handed over her boarding card she waved at her to go, that she was fine. Her mother turned to walk away, her shoulders slightly slumped. Then, in a gesture Alannah recognized, she straightened up and walked towards the doors with her head erect. Maybe she would be okay, after all.

  Part III

  Chapter 31

  Sarah sat alone on the beach. She wasn’t meant to be there. She had promised Aidan she would stay at home. He worried about her being out on her own while he was on his boat earning a crust. But Maia was with Bridget and this opportunity was far too good to miss – the day too sublime, too perfect in all its little details and imperfections. She sat on her folding chair, looking out to sea. She had a blanket over her legs. Like an invalid. She laughed to herself.

  The sea moved in. The sea moved out. In. Out. Breathing. As if all the ocean were one gigantic animal. She tried to match its breath with her own. But her breaths were too short, too shallow. She tried to imagine what it would be like to be out there alone, at the mercy of the waves and the sea creatures. She felt scared. She pulled her blanket higher.

  She concentrated on the sea’s breathing. Gentle. And she relaxed again. She suddenly saw herself as if from above. A lone woman, sitting on a chair: so small and insignificant. The further away she got, the smaller she became. Until the sea engulfed her. In. Out. She was gone. All that was left was the chair. And she saw with a terrible clarity that the chair, this piece of plastic, would outlast her. Shivering uncontrollably, Sarah gathered up her things and went home.