Where the Love Gets In

by Tara Heavey

  ‘Why not? It’s stopped raining and you’ve finished your coffee, haven’t you?’

  He had. She hadn’t touched hers, he noticed.

  ‘All right.’ He stood up tentatively. ‘If you’re sure you’re up to it.’

  ‘I’m not about to keel over, Mitch. Come on. It’s not far.’

  ‘How do you know the dolphin will be here?’ he said, as they walked towards the beach.

  ‘I don’t for sure. But she’s here most mornings, playing with the surfers. Either here or round at the cove.’

  Mitch lifted up his face and let the breeze flow through him. It was invigorating. Welcome after his long night of travel and the worry about what he’d find once he got here. His reception. So far so good.

  ‘I always wanted to live beside the sea,’ said Sarah.

  ‘I remember,’ he said, surprising them both.

  ‘Do you?’

  ‘Yes, I remember quite a lot.’ He slowed down a little in his walking and looked at her. ‘It wasn’t all bad. Was it, Sarah?’

  ‘No, Mitch. It wasn’t.’

  He took her by the hand and they recommenced walking, Maia wandering along ahead of them, collecting sea shells in a bucket.

  ‘Oh, Lord,’ she said. ‘We’ll be starting another scandal.’

  ‘How do you mean?’

  She gestured at their interlocking fingers. ‘This.’

  ‘You don’t have to if –’

  ‘No, I want to. It’s nice.’

  She gave his hand a squeeze.

  After a while he spoke again. ‘What do you mean, “another scandal”?’

  ‘Aidan left his wife for me.’

  ‘The guy I met earlier?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Is he one of the reasons you came here?’

  ‘No. I met him here.’

  ‘Fuck. That was quick work.’

  ‘It just sort of happened.’

  ‘These things always do.’

  ‘Mmm.’

  ‘It’s a small place. It must be awkward as hell. Where does his wife live?’

  ‘See that house over there?’

  ‘The one with the wooden deck?’

  ‘That’s it.’

  ‘Jeez. You like living close to the edge.’

  ‘I just like living.’

  Sarah stopped walking and turned to the ocean. She pointed with her free hand. ‘There she is.’

  Mitch faced the same direction. Sure enough, the dolphin was visible, her whole body encased in the length of a wave. ‘Oh, yeah. I see it.’

  ‘Her. She’s a female. Her name is Star.’

  ‘What’s she doing?’

  ‘Surfing.’

  He laughed. ‘So she is.’

  There were only a few surfers out that morning, the majority having been kept away by the early rain.

  ‘Ever tried it?’ said Mitch.

  ‘Tried what?’

  ‘Surfing.’

  ‘Oh. No. You?’

  ‘Once, yes.’

  ‘Never had you down as the sporty type.’

  ‘Well, when in California … ’

  ‘Were you any good?’

  ‘Nah. The spray kept putting my fag out.’

  She giggled – in the way he remembered.

  ‘No, seriously, I was crap. Couldn’t stay up on the thing at all. I don’t know how they do it. Some of those guys make it look so easy. Like poetry.’

  ‘Have you given up smoking?’

  ‘Pretty much. You don’t have a choice over there. You can’t even smoke outside in some places.’

  ‘That’s what’s different about you. I couldn’t put my finger on it. You’re not smoking. And you’re not as twitchy either. And less skinny.’

  ‘Careful.’

  ‘I mean that in a good way. Not as scrawny. You probably work out all the time, do you?’

  ‘Kind of have to.’

  ‘And your teeth are whiter too.’

  ‘That would be the veneers, my dear.’ He tapped his front teeth with his forefinger.

  ‘Dar,’ Maia shouted, and pointed.

  ‘Yes, darling, it’s Star,’ said Sarah.

  Mitch’s head whipped around. ‘She spoke.’

  ‘Told you.’

  The little girl stood silently watching. The two adults watching her.

  ‘Have you ever heard of dolphin-assisted therapy?’ said Sarah.

  ‘I have, as it happens.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Again, California. They go in for that kind of thing over there.’

  ‘Of course. Well, Star’s been working with Maia – on an unofficial basis, of course. But she’s really helped her come out of herself.’

  Mitch nodded noncommittally. His natural cynicism didn’t allow for such possibilities. But he wasn’t about to insult her. And what right had he to question what did and didn’t work for the daughter he’d abandoned? He looked at Maia again. So perfect on the outside. If he had known this was how she’d look …

  ‘Let’s sit down,’ Sarah said.

  They settled alongside each other on the sand, Mitch trying not to look at Sarah’s emaciated legs. They said nothing for a while. Eventually Sarah broke the silence. ‘Why so serious?’

  ‘Oh, I was just thinking. You have every right to be angry with me.’

  ‘I know I do.’

  ‘So why aren’t you?’

  ‘What’s the point?’

  ‘If I were you, I’d be seriously pissed. With me. With life. With what’s happening to you.’

  ‘I was at first. But I haven’t the energy to feel that way any more. It takes a lot out of you, being angry all the time. It’s downright exhausting, in fact. I need to put all my energy into Maia and into trying to keep myself well. Make it to my big birthday bash. And as for you, my darling, I made my peace with that a long time ago.’ She turned her head and looked directly at him. ‘I know you’re not a bad man, Mitch, just a weak one.’

  He was ashamed, knowing in the pit of his soul that she was right.

  ‘And more than anything else I feel sorry for you.’

  ‘You feel sorry for me?’ Mitch couldn’t keep the astonishment out of his voice. Who could possibly feel sorry for him? Robert Mitchell, movie star, with his good looks, his money, his career, his car – she hadn’t seen his car, of course, but if she had, she’d be seriously impressed. Above all, he had life. An abundance of it. Yet this dying woman was saying she felt sorry for him.

  She laughed gently, and he knew she’d guessed his thoughts. ‘I know that must sound strange to you,’ she said, ‘but I do. Because you’re missing out on your daughter’s life.’

  As if on cue, Maia approached Sarah and handed her a shell. ‘Oh, thank you, my darling. It’s beautiful.’ She caressed the mother of pearl with her fingertips. Maia had already walked off again, not even waiting for her mother’s response. ‘You don’t know what a blessing she is.’

  Mitch watched Maia doubtfully. The child had walked to the water’s edge and had started to twirl, her head tilted to the sky, her arms out by her sides. Again and again, spinning like a top. ‘What’s she doing?’

  ‘She likes to spin.’

  ‘She reminds me of … What do you call those men in Turkey?’

  ‘Whirling dervishes.’

  ‘That’s it. Why does she do it?’

  ‘I imagine she likes the sensation.’

  Mitch nodded, recognizing his avoidance of the moment he’d been dreading. She was going to ask him now, and that would be the end of this pleasant morning.

  ‘So I really think, for your own sake more than anything else, that you should make every effort to keep in touch with her after I’m gone.’

  ‘You mean …?’

  ‘You thought I was going to ask you to take her.’

  ‘Well – yes, I guess I did.’

  ‘I wouldn’t do that to her.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ Mitch’s initial relief was temporarily taken over by indignati
on.

  ‘I couldn’t uproot her from her life and send her off to a foreign country to live with a total stranger who,’ here she looked pointedly at him, ‘knows absolutely nothing about autism. Why? You weren’t going to offer to take her, were you?’

  ‘I … Well, I’m never home and I …’

  ‘No. I didn’t think so. Don’t worry, Mitch. I never expected that of you.’

  This time the relief entered his limbs and relaxed his whole body. ‘Where’s she going to live, then?’

  ‘Right here. With Aidan.’

  ‘With your boyfriend?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Are you sure that’s a good idea?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘But you’ve only known him for …’

  ‘A little over four months.’

  ‘And he’s not even related to her.’

  ‘And you are. Look how useful you’ve been.’

  This silenced him.

  ‘Mitch, I don’t mean to insult you but Aidan is the closest thing she’s ever had to a father. He’s incredibly good with her and she’s really taken to him. She’s going to need some stability in her life when I’m not around any more.’

  ‘What about that sister of yours? What’s her name again?’

  ‘Helen.’

  ‘Helen. That’s the one. Fuck, she really hated me.’

  ‘Still does. Thinks you’re a waste of space.’

  ‘Thanks very much.’

  ‘What can I say? The truth hurts. I thought of Helen, of course, but she lives in the States too and it would be such an upheaval for Maia. And Helen’s already so busy with her boys. No. The best thing for Maia is to stay right here. There’s a good special-needs school close by. I’ve enrolled her for September.’

  ‘And he’s agreed to take her?’

  ‘He has.’

  ‘Fuck.’ Such an act was completely outside the perimeters of Mitch’s understanding.

  ‘Please, Mitch. Watch your language.’

  ‘Oh, yeah, sorry. What’s he like, this Aidan fella?’ He watched her face as she stared off into the middle distance.

  ‘He’s the most remarkable man I’ve ever met.’

  He experienced a surprising pang of jealousy. ‘What? Even more remarkable than me?’

  She laughed, her expression affectionate. ‘Even more so. Believe it or not.’

  Her honesty was surprisingly refreshing. He’d got used to LA, to his movie-star status, everyone pandering to his ego, telling him what he wanted to hear. Was this why he’d been avoiding Ireland, where the natives had no trouble bringing you back down to earth with a resounding bang? ‘You don’t think he has any … ulterior motives, do you?’

  ‘How do you mean?’

  ‘Well. How can I put this? He’s a man. She’s a pretty little girl.’

  ‘No, Mitch. I don’t think he’s a paedophile.’

  ‘All right. I just had to ask.’

  She inclined her head in acknowledgement.

  ‘So,’ he said, ‘what do you want from me?’

  ‘Money.’

  ‘Oh, I see. Is that all I’m good for?’

  ‘No. But it’s seriously expensive to look after an autistic child. And the money you’ve sent me over the years has come in very handy. But mostly I want you to promise me that you won’t cause any trouble.’

  ‘What kind of trouble?’

  ‘Aidan and Helen will be her guardians. They have to be allowed to get on with caring for her as they see fit.’

  ‘They won’t get any interference from me.’

  ‘Good. Thank you. But by all means, Mitch, come and see her every now and then. For your own sake. She’s taught me the meaning of love, this girl. Maybe she can do the same for you.’

  Mitch was silenced again, touched. He looked straight ahead at the surfers drifting up and down. At the dorsal fin, appearing and disappearing in the water. At Maia as she walked towards them – towards him. She held out her hand to give him something, then looked him in the eye for the first time and dropped a shell into his palm.

  ‘Fuck,’ she said.

  ‘Now look what you’ve done.’ But Sarah was laughing. She grabbed Maia’s face in her hands and kissed her forehead. ‘You learned a new word, Maia. Well done.’

  Mitch laughed with her. Some role model he was. He stood up, brushed the sand off his jeans and held out his hand to Sarah. ‘I’m starved. Where does a person go to get some food around here?’

  Their walk into town was memorable, Mitch creating quite a stir. It was the young girls who recognized him first. Sarah grinned at him as they nudged one another and giggled. ‘It’s nice not being the one getting stared at for a change.’

  ‘Don’t you like people noticing you? You used to.’

  ‘Did I? Yes, I suppose I did. I guess I’m past all that now.’

  ‘What about this place?’ Mitch stopped outside the Melting Pot.

  ‘Oh, no, not here.’

  ‘Why? What’s wrong with it?’

  ‘Nothing. It’s just that I’m barred.’

  He was incredulous. ‘You? Barred? For what?’

  ‘For being a scarlet woman.’

  ‘Oh, that.’ He laughed. ‘We’d better find somewhere else, then.’

  Privately he thought Sarah so pitiful-looking that the chances of someone kicking her out were slim to none. As slim as she was.

  They settled for a quieter café at the edge of the pier. Even there, Mitch attracted undue attention. The waitresses got themselves in quite a tizz. One had Mitch autographing a napkin. Another posed for a photo with him, which a third took with her mobile phone. By now he had calmed down about the prospect of tabloid photographers turning up; he realized he had been overwrought before, nervous about seeing Sarah and his daughter. Now he felt back in control. If any showed, he’d be able to fob them off with his usual charm.

  They were finally left alone to eat.

  ‘So, Mitch – does anyone call you Mitch any more?’

  ‘Only you. And people from the old days the odd time I hear from them. Although half of them stopped talking to me after I left you.’

  ‘What do they call you in LA?’

  ‘Robert. Or Rob.’

  ‘Which do you prefer?’

  ‘Rob. It’s more manly.’

  She laughed at him.

  ‘How are they all anyhow?’ he said. ‘The old gang.’

  ‘All well – as far as I know.’

  ‘As far as you know? I thought you were thick as thieves with them.’

  ‘I was until recently.’

  ‘You mean they don’t know?’

  ‘No. And I don’t want you shouting your mouth off either.’

  ‘I won’t. It’s just …’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I’d have thought you’d want your friends around you at a time like this.’

  ‘I’ll invite them to my birthday party. How about that? Come on, Maia. You have to eat something.’ And she commenced cutting Maia’s food into tiny pieces.

  They went back to the house to wait for Mitch’s taxi. Aidan stood up to meet them.

  ‘What are you doing back?’ said Sarah. ‘Why aren’t you out on the boat?’

  ‘I wanted to make sure you were okay.’ He looked at Mitch as he said this.

  ‘I’m fine.’ She embraced him, and Mitch watched them sink into one another.

  There was a beep outside the window. He ducked his head and peered out.

  ‘Cab’s here.’

  ‘Already?’ Sarah disengaged herself from Aidan and turned to the father of her child. ‘Do you have everything?’

  ‘I didn’t bring anything. Just my handsome self.’

  She smiled. ‘That was a very short visit.’

  ‘I would have arranged to stay longer if I’d known you didn’t hate me any more.’ His face grew more serious. ‘Thank you for not hating me any more.’

  ‘You’re welcome.’

  He looked at his daughter. ‘ ’Bye
, Maia.’

  ‘Say ’bye, Maia.’

  ‘ ’Bye, Maia.’ The little girl said it to no one in particular.

  He nodded to Aidan. ‘Nice to meet you.’

  Aidan nodded back. Then Mitch took a few steps towards Sarah. He held out his arms and they hugged each other. ‘I’ll be seeing you, Sarah.’

  He spoke the words into her neck so he didn’t have to look her in the eye.

  Part IV

  Chapter 43

  Aidan felt increasingly helpless. Sarah was so listless. Her body was one thing but her spirit was another, and he couldn’t stop it sinking. It didn’t help that it was late summer, the natural world preparing for its own demise, autumn’s chill unmistakably in the air. He brought her out for a drive one day and turned on the radio, looking for some music to distract or inspire. It was the end of the news, the hay-fever update. The danger had passed, the young girl informed them. Everything that was going to bloom had already bloomed. With a quick sidewards glance, he changed the channel. This time he found music – ‘Enjoy Yourself, It’s Later Than You Think’. He turned it off. Sarah hadn’t reacted, not outwardly, but he could feel her deepening gloom. And it took every ounce of his strength to avoid being sucked into it.

  Everywhere there were reminders. They couldn’t escape for one moment. They walked through the town and felt the dearth of tourists. They walked through the country and every tree they passed seemed to shed a single orange leaf. They went to the shops and the signs were everywhere: ‘Back to school. Get your uniforms, your bags, your books.’ But there was no new term for Sarah.

  Maia started at her new school, a modern, well-run special-needs facility in a nearby town. Access to a good school had made Sarah all the more certain that she’d made the right decision in electing to leave her child in this place. It was some distraction from the inescapable fact that the endless summer had come to an end. But once Maia was settled into her routine, there was no rousing Sarah. It was as if she was finished now. Aidan tried various strategies to distract her, but the time for distraction was over. He just hadn’t faced up to it yet.

  One day he sat on the edge of the bed – she had just woken from a nap. ‘I’ve been thinking,’ he said. ‘The musicians we hired for Alannah’s eighteenth. They might be good for your birthday party. I could –’

  ‘Stop it, Aidan.’

  ‘Stop what?’