by Lesley Jones
“Taxi will be here in twenty minutes,” Luke told Liam.
“You going to the office? Take the car, I’ll get a lift from someone.”
Liam’s head dropped back, and he stared up at the ceiling for a few seconds. Luke was watching me, Will had stopped typing, and I knew without looking at him that he was looking at me too. My husband’s gaze finally met mine and I thought for a moment he was going to cry.
“Bub, I have to go to Australia.”
I laughed. I had no clue why, but I laughed.
“What?”
“We managed to get on a flight at lunchtime today.”
“But what about—you can’t just leave me—we’re . . .” I trailed off as I finally took in his words. “You’re fucking kidding me?”
“I have no choice. I have to be there.”
“You have every choice, and you don’t have to be there, you want to be there.”
I turned and started to leave the room, but Liam grabbed me by the arm and spun me around.
“Slow the fuck down,” His teeth gritted together as he got right in my face and spoke. I heard the sound of a chair scrapping across the flagstone floor and both Will and Luke appeared over Liam’s shoulders.
“Take your hands off me,” I told him very quietly. He looked down at where his hand was wrapped around my arm and instantly let go.
Both of his hands raked through his hair. “I’m sorry. If there were any other way, I’d choose it. Believe me, I’d choose it in a heartbeat but this is my job, our future. I love you and I’m sorry, so fucking sorry but I have to be there.”
Shortly after the sun rose that morning, my husband left in a taxi to go back to Australia with his dad and Shain. I was hurt and angry. I refused to wave goodbye to him and offered only my cheek when he tried to kiss me. He rested his forehead against my temple and whispered, “I’m sorry,” into my ear instead. Then he left.
After just a few hours’ sleep, I was staring up at the ceiling of my bedroom in Suffolk with my best friend sleeping beside me rather than my husband of less than twenty-four hours.
I felt like a total bitch after the way I’d behaved towards Liam before he’d left that morning. Yeah, it was my wedding day, so obviously I was more than a little disappointed that things went the way they did and that I was lying next to a snoring Sasha and not on my way to my surprise honeymoon destination with Liam. But in the grand scheme of things, my having to take off my own clothes or sleep anywhere other than next to my husband on our wedding night was irrelevant.
Three men had lost their lives yesterday, and my poor husband was about to sit on a plane for around twenty-two hours before having to face the families of two of those men. He would have to deal with the press, coroners, and all of the legalities that went along with whatever investigations would be required. He would also have to make arrangements to repatriate the body of the only single man involved with his family in Germany.
I’d offered to go with him before he left. I knew it was a stupid suggestion even as the words were leaving my mouth, but I just felt so, I didn’t know, rejected? Liam had tried to let me down gently with his words, but I was still hurt.
It was childish and selfish, and it meant that he left alone, without a wave, a kiss or any kind words from me. Leaving me with ten days off work and nothing to do with myself except think about the way I’d behaved.
My phone vibrated beside me.
Aussie Boy: I love you, and I’m so very sorry. Why don’t you change the tickets and take Sash away with you somewhere? I promise to make it up to you once I’m home. L x
Smiling, I stroked my finger across the words on the screen, as if by doing so, it would help me feel closer to him. Despite my behaviour, it was him that was reaching out first when it should’ve been me.
Me: Stop saying sorry. Shit happens! It should be me apologising any way. I’m sorry about my little hissy fit. I don’t think I wanna go anywhere without you. I might just change the dates and we’ll go whenever we can. Where are the tickets? I’ll contact the agent and see if that’s possible. Are you on the plane yet? X
Aussie Boy: Ohhhh, you said shit. I’m telling. Archie has the tickets. Do I still come up on your phone as Aussie Boy? L x
Me: You do. Why?
Aussie Boy: I want you to change it to husband. L x
Me: Why?
Aussie Boy: Because that’s what I am. Don’t question me woman. JFDI ;) x
Me: What’s JFDI?
I fiddled with my phone and changed his name in my contacts.
Aussie Husband: Just. Fucking. Do. It!
Me: Okay, master, it’s done. You are now in my phone as Aussie Dickhead. Happy?
I could actually see his smile and feel the vibration of his chest against mine as I imagined his laugh. My nose tingled and my eyes filled with tears. I missed him so much already, and once again felt guilty for thinking of myself.
Aussie Husband: Oh, aren’t you hilarious! L x
Me: It’s a gift ;)
Aussie Husband: Fuck, I love you. I’m so sorry, pretty girl. I’ll spend the rest of my life making this up to you. L x
Me: I love you, too, and I’m so sorry this has happened to your workers. Those poor men and their families. Every one that was on that helicopter. It’s just horrible all round. X
Aussie Husband: I have to go, we’re about to take off and I’m gonna get in trouble. Love you xxx
Me: Text or call as soon as you land. Stay safe. I love you xxx
He didn’t reply.
I lay back on the bed and let my tears run into my ears.
“It’s the day after your wedding. You’re not supposed to cry.” Sasha croaked from beside me, turning her head just enough to speak but not enough to move her hair from her face.
“I’m waking up with you instead of my husband. Anyone would cry.”
“Hey now, that’s a bit harsh. There’s plenty that’d like to be waking up with me this morning. One of them happens to be with your husband right now.”
My mind raced as I tried to work out what she was on about. I lifted her hair, and she squinted one eye at me.
“Please don’t tell me you put the moves on Liam’s dad.”
“Wha?” She frowned in confusion.
“No, fuck no. I mean. I don’t actually mean no, because, well, he’s hot in that silver fox kind of way. But give me some credit here, Sares, he’s your father-in-law.”
We stared and blinked at each other in silence for a few seconds. My sleep-deprived brain still slow to catch up.
“Then who? Luke has gone into the UK offices to run things while the others are in the air . . .”
“Pffftt,” she waved her hand in the air, “I’ve given up on your brother ever noticing me.”
“Oh my god! Shain? You’re talking about Shain. I saw you two chatting a few times yesterday.”
She finally opened both her eyes and smiled at me.
“You know when I mentioned yesterday that I hadn’t had sex for three months?”
“Wait! What? You had sex with Shain yesterday? On my wedding day? Or do you mean three months ago. Shain left about then didn’t he?”
“Yes, yes, and yes.”
“To which? What bit? Start making sense, Sash.”
“Yes, I had sex with Shain three months ago before he left. Yes, I had sex with Shain yesterday. Yes, it was at . . . during or whatever, your wedding. At least one of us got lucky, hey?”
My mouth hung open in shock.
“Don’t look at me like that.”
“Why didn’t you tell me you had sex with him three months ago?”
Sasha sat up and leaned back against the wrought iron headboard. She attempted to blow her hair from her face, but it just landed back over her eyes.
“He was going back to Aus. We weren’t sure how we felt about each other, so I just didn’t mention it. I felt a bit whorey to be honest.”
“Why?”
“Because we didn’t really date.” She
pulled her knees up to her chest and shrugged her shoulders. “There was a lot of flirting every time we were together, and then he told me he liked me but that he’d stayed away because he thought there was something going on between me and Luke.”
She rolled her eyes at the mention of my brother. We all thought there was something going on between her and Luke. I didn’t understand it. He couldn’t take his eyes off her whenever she was around, but never, not once as far as I knew, had anything ever happened between them.
“Anyway, that night at K. L. U. B, he said that he’d seen Luke kissing Mel, and finally grew some and asked me to dance.”
“Luke kissed Mel?”
Her shoulders rose up to her ears and stayed there a while.
“He reckoned that was what he saw, they were over by the cloakroom, and he was coming back from the toilet when he said he saw them. Anyway, that was when I decided I couldn’t keep waiting for him, Sares. My heart broke every time he ignored me, and I deserve better than that.”
“Oh, Sash. I honestly don’t know what his problem is. It’s obvious he has feelings for you by the way he watches your every move, but I’ve no clue why he’s never acted on it.”
I was suddenly overwhelmed with sadness at my brother’s behaviour. Lack of sleep, lack of a honeymoon, and lack of a husband were all starting to hit me hard.
“I don’t know the answer either, but I decided that night that when Shain asked me to dance I wasn’t going to wait for Luke to decide what he wanted. I had a hot Aussie standing in front of me, and I made up my mind to go for it.”
“And that was what led to you having sex with him?”
“Basically, yeah.” I moved around the bed and sat cross-legged in front of her. “We danced. We chatted, and I finally gave him a chance and actually listened to what he had to say. I shut out the voice that had been telling me for years that Luke would finally open his eyes and notice me and allowed myself to hear Shain.”
“And that’s what led to sex?”
“For fuck’s sake, Sarah, yes. All of it. Everything combined, including the vast amount of alcohol we’d consumed that night, it led to sex.”
“Don’t shout. I just wanna live vicariously through you. This is the bride who had to take off her own wedding dress right here. The bride that didn’t get to have sex on her wedding night.” I stabbed my index finger into my own chest. “This is the bride who didn’t get to sleep with her husband on their first night as man and wife and doesn’t even know when she’s likely to see her husband again. So, yes, I very much do want to hear all about the sex you and Shain have been having.”
“Wellllll . . .” She dragged the word out. “You might wanna hear about the first and second time, but I don’t think you’re gonna wanna hear about the third.”
“Why?”
Her eyes roamed around the room and then over my bed before landing in my lap and creeping their way up my chest to meet mine.
“Seriously? You have got to be fucking kidding me. You had sex on my bed? On my wedding day? When I got nothing, nada, nix? Not even a boob squeeze or a finger in my knickers. Nothing. I got nothing!”
I watched Sasha’s lips twitch as she tried not to laugh and then threw myself back on the bed in frustration.
“Stop being a little bitch. You’ve been getting plenty for months.”
“It’s not the same.”
“Why isn’t it?”
I pushed myself up onto my elbows and looked at her. “Plenty for months but nothing on my wedding day/night/morning after, is why it isn’t.”
She chewed on the inside of her lip.
“Yeah, it is all a bit shit the way the day ended, brilliant wedding, though.”
That comment made me smile. The service, the speeches, Liam’s song to me, our performance, and the fact that by nine o’clock, just about every guest was on the dance floor were perfect. Everybody from our friends to my grandparent’s friends had joined us and seemed to have a great time.
“It was a brilliant wedding, wasn’t it?” I was smiling, but a traitorous tear rolled down my cheek.
***
Later that day, after saying goodbyes and thank yous to my grandparents, I drove back to our house in Liam’s Jag with Sasha and Maggie as passengers. The rest of Liam’s family drove back in their hired car, and after dropping Sash off at home, we all meet up at my house.
Liam’s family were due to stay at our place while we were on honeymoon and use it as a base while they visited London and a few other tourist attractions around the country. So, I decided that, to occupy my time while Liam was away, I would make myself their tour guide. If I couldn’t be with my husband, I might as well spend time getting to know his family.
“How you holding up, kiddo? None of this can be easy for you.”
Liam’s mum asked me as I stood at the sink and filled up the kettle.
“Fuck the tea, Sarah, we need wine. This is your honeymoon, and since I can’t offer you sex, I can at least ply you with alcohol,” Maggie stated.
I turned around and faced Lori, Maggie, and Marie, who were all standing in the kitchen with me. They all look so much alike, and I could see a little bit of Liam in each of them. All of a sudden, it was all just a bit much, and I felt my lips begin to tremble and fought not to cry.
“No tears.” Marie held up her finger and pointed at me. “We promised Lee we’d look after you, which means wine, but no tears.”
Lori came over and took the kettle from my hand and put it back down on its base. Maggie retrieved a bottle of white from the fridge, and Marie pulled glasses from the cupboard next to it.
“I love what you’ve done with this kitchen,” Marie stated. “Liam sent us the link to the real-estate site, so we’ve seen all the pictures of how it looked before.”
“You’ve done a fantastic job,” Lori added. “Liam’s been sending me photos and updates as you’ve finished each room. You’ve got a great eye for design, Sarah, the whole house looks great.”
Our house was now fully refurbished and finally starting to look like a home. We’d had the landscaping finished over the previous few weeks, and we now had a useable alfresco area, a large raised deck, and a lawn with flowerbeds that were no longer obscured by building materials.
Liam had spent a fortune getting everything finished so it would look good for when his family arrived.
Something I’d learned about him as his parents’ visit approached, was that he desperately sought approval from his dad.
I wasn’t sure if it was because his mum and dad divorced or because his dad had other sons with other women, but Liam was a little insecure about his relationship with him.
I wasn’t sure if they were purposely talking about the work we’d done on the house as a distraction, but it was welcome.
“Thanks. It’s been a lot of hard work but it was important to Liam that we had the place finished before the wedding. He wanted you to have somewhere nice to stay.”
“Well, it looks great. It actually feels like a home, not like the place he had in Sydney with The Cunt.”
“Maggie!” Lori shrieked as Maggie poured wine into my glass. I hid my smile behind it as she winked at me.
“What? Stop shrieking, Mum. She is a cunt, and we all know it.”
“Margaret Sinead Delaney, will you please stop saying that word.”
“Cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt. It’s just a word, Mother, and if I remember rightly, one of the first that Liam ever said. Ironic really that he went on to marry one.”
I watched Marie hide behind her hand, while I continued to hide behind my glass at the conversation going on in my kitchen.
“It was only Liam’s first word because you taught it to him.” Lori turned to me looking mortified. “I’m so sorry, Sarah, my daughter has no filter.”
I shook my head and curled both my lips between my teeth while trying not to laugh.
“I hear much worse from your son and my brother, so it’s honestly not a problem.”
“Well, that doesn’t make me feel much better.” She took a large gulp of her wine. “I know Liam mentioned that you don’t swear, so I’m sorry if Maggie’s language offends you.”
“I’m not offended in the least, and besides, my language has become a little more colourful since meeting your son.”
“How many bedrooms does this place have?” Marie intervened with an obvious attempt to get her sister off the hook.
“Four.”
“Room for lots of babies then.” She winked as she spoke.
I felt all of their eyes on me.
“If your brother had his way, I’d be pregnant right now.” I blushed as I admitted to this.
“Funny that he never mentioned having kids with The C-word person.” Maggie tilted her head and gave her mum a saccharine sweet smile before continuing, “And they were together for years. Then you come along and bam, he can’t wait to get you knocked up.”
Marie sat and stared at me with a huge smile on her face before saying, “I think it’s great. He knew Olivia wasn’t right for him, and he knows that Sarah is. I’m so glad that he’s found someone. I thought I was gonna be the only one to ever have kids out of the three of us.”
“You don’t want kids, Maggie?” I asked.
“Not sure how much you know about this baby making lark, darl, but it needs a man and a woman to make it happen.”
“So? Find a man and make it happen.”
She let out a long sigh and shrugged her shoulders. “One day, Sarah, one day.”
“Do you want a family straight away? You’re still very young.” I took a sip of my wine before answering Lori. I had always just assumed that was how it would go, but . . .
“I think I’d like to wait a little while, just a year maybe.” I still harboured fears about what kind of parent I’d be. I was terrified of being bad at it, or even just mediocre. I wanted to be a good mum and wasn’t yet sure if I was ready for that. I wasn’t sure how much Liam had told his family about my parents, and standing in our kitchen, sharing what was just a normal conversation amongst family, was strange. It made me not only think about what I’d missed out on but also how much worse it could’ve been if it weren’t for my grandparents and Luke. The emotional turmoil churning inside me must’ve shown on my face.
