Marine Under the Mistletoe (Always a Marine)

by Long, Heather

  “I’m so fucked up, I don’t know why anyone would want me there in the first place….”

  “Kaiden, perfect love and perfect trust—we accept you for who you are. We love you for who you are and we trust you to be you.”

  The unabashed sweetness and open acceptance twining together in her voice ripped him open. “Yeah, how the hell do I do that and follow an it harm none when I’ve killed?”

  Chapter Three

  After he’d dropped his bombshell, Kaiden shut down completely. He’d stood there, like a sentinel, in the middle of the clearing and waited until she walked to the house to shadow her steps. New arrivals were pulling up the long drive and parking off to the side. Instead of greeting them, he’d cut around and used the back door. Rowan let him go.

  Getting everyone settled occupied the rest of her morning and, when Kaiden made no appearance at lunch, she’d put together a tray of food and set it outside his door. She knocked twice, told him the food was there, and left before he opened the door—if he did.

  Lorraine cornered her in the kitchen when she’d taken her turn setting up a dessert. “Rowan.”

  Cracker crack had become very popular with the whole coven from the first time Rowan had brought a tin—now she made tray after tray every year. Everyone would fast beginning the next morning, eating nothing until they broke bread at sundown and lit the fires to maintain their vigil through the long winter night. The real party was set for Saturday, but that would be looser than the ritual on Friday.

  “He’s in his room.” She answered the woman’s unspoken question and continued to set saltines onto the cookie sheet. Once all the sheets were laid out, she’d start on the brown sugar and butter mixture to pour over them.

  Lorraine grabbed a package of crackers and helped. “Is he all right? I mean, really all right?”

  “I don’t know.” Truthfully, she didn’t. “I’ve just met him—I didn’t know him before, so I don’t have a basis for comparison.”

  “He seems sweet on you.” And so the fishing had begun in earnest.

  “He’s very nice.” She didn’t want to feed the woman’s urge to match-make. “I think he needs time to decompress. We’re an awfully noisy and pushy bunch….” And as if to prove her point, the kids erupted into the house riding a wave of shouts and laughter. Rowan pointed them toward the door as they rushed the kitchen. “Out.”

  “Cracker crack!” Jensen’s eyes lit up.

  “And if you’re still here when I get to three, you don’t get any….” She didn’t even make it to one before the kids charged back out. Glancing over her shoulder, she met Lorraine’s laughter with a smile. “Works every time.”

  “You’re good with them.”

  Rowan shrugged. “They’re good kids.”

  “You should have some of your own.”

  Yes, Rowan had opened the door to that observation and she needed to close it. “When I’m ready, I’m sure I will.” After adding the last cracker to the tenth tray, she checked the preheat setting on the oven before heading to the fridge to get the sticks of butter. She’d need a lot for all the dessert she planned to make, but she’d brought a huge selection of chocolate from dark, to mint, to white, and even a salted caramel chocolate to see how that tasted once she’d prepped it.

  “Rowan….”

  Resisting the urge to sigh, she pivoted to face Kaiden’s mother head on. “No.”

  “You don’t even know what I was going to ask.” The woman’s rebuke carried a hint of a pout.

  “I don’t need to know precisely what you were going to ask, but I’ve seen that look in your eye every time you mentioned your son to me in the last few years. He’s a lovely young man, Rowan. I can’t wait for you to meet him, Rowan. When he comes home, Rowan, you should come for dinner. I’d have to be deaf, blind, and stupid not to pick up the hints.” She appreciated the motherly concern and desire, but Kaiden seemed to be exerting far too much pressure on himself as it was. He did not need to have Rowan shoved down his throat. Although he already thought she was doing that. You’re a nice woman, but this isn’t going to work.

  His presumption irked her.

  “I want him to be happy.” Lorraine sighed and Rowan stacked up the sticks of butter and paused to give her a hug. The older woman held her tightly, accepting the comfort. “I worry about him.”

  “It’s your right, as his mother,” she assured her. Not for the first time, she wished her mother had been more like Lorraine. But Rowan grew up in a house where feelings were not to be shared and hugs displayed a level of open emotion that made her parents uncomfortable. The closest they came was a literal pat on the shoulder. “That being said, it’s his first time home in years—why not enjoy having him here instead of trying to change something about him?”

  And if you’d let me off the hook while we’re at it, that’d be great….

  But she kept the last part to herself. A creak on the back steps alerted someone else was on them, but when no one entered the kitchen—she didn’t call attention to the sound.

  Lorraine kissed her cheek. “Message received. Do you want more help or should I go make sure the hordes haven’t destroyed anything?” As if to lend weight to her question, a crash echoed from outside.

  “Probably a good idea to check on them. They’re supposed to make sure the circle has been cleared of any debris for the fire tonight.”

  “On it.” Lorraine waved and headed out at a brisk pace.

  Blowing out a breath, she set up a sauce pan on low heat and started adding the sticks of butter. “It’s all clear if you want to come in, Kaiden.”

  Amusement flickered in his deep baritone. “How did you know it was me?”

  “No one else would be avoiding Lorraine, no matter how much she meddles.” And she meddled quite a bit, but with only the best of intentions. It made it difficult to be cross with her when she truly wanted everyone to be as happy as she and her husband were—another relationship that spiked a hint of envy through Rowan.

  “Thank you for what you said to her.”

  She barely suppressed a jerk at his unexpected closeness. He’d crossed the room and stood nearly at her elbow. “You walk like a cat.”

  “Sorry,” he murmured, and looked curiously at the pot as she added one stick of butter after another. “What are you doing?” Apparently he’d put his earlier temper in check, and the nice Kaiden had come down to play.

  “Making cracker crack.” When the butter began to melt fully, she measured out the brown sugar and used a wooden spoon to stir it in. “It’s my contribution to tomorrow’s feast.”

  “You make the magic crackers?” The heat of Kaiden’s stare was a palpable force on the back of her neck.

  “I suppose some people call them magic, I call them crack because after the first batch—everyone kept asking me to hook them up.” She had to pay attention to the butter and sugar—she couldn’t afford to burn it. Shifting gears, she lifted the pot off the stove and carried it over to the first tray. She’d made enough to pour over three more. Setting the pot back on a cool burner, she set the wood spoon aside and picked up the first bag of chocolate. Spreading it over the crackers, she moved swiftly, wanting them in the oven and another batch ready to go when they came out.

  Kaiden got out of her way, but he was ready to help if she dropped anything. The earnestness in his expression arrested her heart and she banged her finger on the hot oven top. Hissing out a breath, she gave herself a mental kick. You already acted like a klutz. Let’s try to keep the emergency room visit off the menu.

  Setting the timer for ten minutes, she started another batch of butter and brown sugar.

  “That’s all you do?” He was at her elbow.

  “Yep. They bake for ten minutes so the chocolate melts fully, I spread it around, and then they go into the fridge to cool.”

  He passed her the brown sugar instead of getting out of her way. “How long ’til we can have some?”

  “I thought you weren’t a fan
of chocolate?” She cut a sideways glance at him. He’d given her such an odd look when she’d pressed the hot chocolate on him the night before.

  “Didn’t say that, and I am definitely a fan of this stuff. Mom sent it in a care package a couple of years ago. I had no idea you were the one who made it.” He moved along the counter and tapped the different bags of chocolate. “Tell me you’re making the mint chocolate chip one?”

  If not for the flare of eagerness in his eyes, she’d have been tempted to yank his chain. “Yes. I’ll even make it next, but they take about ten to twelve hours to set up correctly, so you can’t have any tonight.”

  “Oh, that’s cruel.” He’d returned to her elbow and followed her as she began to pour the brown sugar and butter on the next set. “Everyone fasts tomorrow.”

  “And the treat is so worth it afterwards.” She couldn’t help but stare at his smile. It transformed his face, eased the lines of tension, and the force of it socked her in the chest.

  “True.” He held out the bag of mint chocolate chips to her. “What does a guy have to do to get you to hide one?”

  Raising her brows, she bit back a grin of her own. He was as bad as Jensen or any of the other boys. “Hmm…we have rules, you know. You want to eat, you have to work.”

  “Name what you want me to do.”

  A raw thrill skated over her at the loaded offer. Dismissing the sensual images blooming in her mind—damn Lorraine and planting her ideas—Rowan made a show of considering while she spread the chips onto the next three trays. She’d planned to do only two of the mint chocolate chip, but she’d make a third for Kaiden—especially since the idea of the flavor had warmed the chilly distance in his eyes.

  “Rowan?” He prompted her when she’d said nothing.

  “Play sentry—the boys try to sneak in here and steal chocolate when I’m making these.” The back door creaked open on cue.

  “On it.” Kaiden met Jensen before he had the door fully open. “Out.”

  Biting back another smile at his crisp order, she traded out the melted chocolate batch for the fresh mint ones and took a moment to use a second wooden spoon to spread out the melted chocolate. The rich scents of baking perfumed the air and her stomach rumbled in appreciation.

  Chocolate really did approach nirvana. Kaiden held the fridge open so she could load the candied goodness inside. He caught her hand after the last one. “I’m sorry for being a dick earlier.”

  “You weren’t a dick.” She used his word, not hers. “But I am glad you’re not grumpy anymore.”

  “I was a dick,” he argued, following her back to the stove for another round of brown sugar-butter melting. “I have no defense for it, but you didn’t deserve it.”

  “You don’t need to defend yourself. I told you—perfect love and perfect trust.” She’d tried to explain that to him in the clearing, but he hadn’t wanted to listen. After his heart-wrenching confession about violating an it harm none, she understood his self-flagellation better.

  “People like you don’t exist.” He unwrapped the sticks of butter before holding them out to her.

  “Oh, we’re back to mythical constructs again?” Her wrist ached from the constant stirring, but it had to be done.

  His chuckle delighted her. “No. Rowan—I wish you’d met me before.”

  “I don’t.” The response slipped out before she could stop it and she switched the burner off when she was ready to add the mixture to the last four trays.

  “You don’t?”

  “No.” She shook her head and used the time while pouring the butter and sugar mixture over the crackers to gather her thoughts. He claimed the pot when she’d finished and returned it to the stove. “Actually—run some water into that so the sugar doesn’t crystallize inside the pot.”

  “Okay.” He switched directions for the sink and she picked out different chocolates for the last batches—a white and dark mixture for one, milk for another, salted caramel for a third and then one death by chocolate—the one she made for herself.

  “Why don’t you wish you’d met me before? I was a really nice guy,” he said.

  If the charm he managed currently was any indication, he’d been a hell of a lot more than nice. Ignoring the taut feeling in her belly, she shrugged. “Because then you’d be more worried about my expectations than you already are—and I like the Kaiden I met already. Maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t have liked you so much.”

  She didn’t get to see his reaction to those words because she had to swap out trays. Kaiden waited until she stopped moving to box her into place at the counter, one hand on either side of her. “I wish I’d met you before I went—”

  “No, you don’t.” In this she could be absolutely honest. “I was an antisocial creature, years ago, and a loner. I didn’t get this hugging and kissing thing, and the idea of all these people interfering in my life would have driven me crazy. You wouldn’t have liked me at all.”

  “Huh.” The skeptical look on his face sent another electric thrill skating over her nerves. His gaze dipped to her mouth. “So, you wouldn’t have kissed me when you met me, then?”

  “No.” She shook her head. “Not even a little.”

  “You’ve convinced me.” That seemed too easy.

  “Oh?” Dragging her attention up from the firm line of his lips, she met his gaze.

  “Yes, I wouldn’t have liked you not kissing me when you met me then.”

  “That implies you liked having me kiss you this time….” Rowan, shut up. The inner voice cautioned her against impulsive action, but she didn’t want to listen to the better angels of her nature—not with Kaiden’s attention zeroed in on her.

  “It does, doesn’t it?” He drifted closer, but halted at the ding of the oven timer. He grimaced, backed off a step, and glared at the oven. “I don’t like chocolate anymore.”

  Laughter bubbled up inside of her at his almost-pout. Patting his chest, she headed over to get the cracker crack out. “Don’t worry—chocolate still loves you.”

  “Hmm.” But when she glanced up at him again, his attention wasn’t on the chocolate.

  It was definitely on her.

  Oh boy….

  Sundown arrived swiftly and a dozen new arrivals added to the general chaos. Kaiden leaned against the railing, arms folded as though to ward off the evening chill—the sudden plummet in temperatures earned more than a few good-natured groans. Buffet-style dinner and catching up occupied nearly everyone else, but he’d found the noise a bit much and, when his father mimed going outside, he followed. Henry kicked back in a chair, puffing on a cigar.

  “Your mother wants me to quit.” Despite the low pitch of his voice, Kaiden heard him clearly.

  “Cigars?” Kaiden raised his brows. His mother had been after his father for years to give up that particular habit. Henry denied Lorraine very little, in Kaiden’s experience, but he’d never given up his once-a-day cigar.

  “No. Work.” The answer surprised Kaiden. “She wants me to retire.”

  “Huh.” Neither of his parents seemed old enough for retirement. “You don’t want to?” It was a guess.

  Henry shrugged. “It’s not a matter of desire. I like the work. I like going to the office every day. I like being able to work from home when I need to. Not entirely sure what I’d do if I didn’t have it.”

  “What did you tell her?”

  “What I always tell her.” Henry grinned.

  “You’ll think about it.” Made sense, it had been his fallback response to every major decision. He’d think about it and, if he decided it felt right—he’d do it. If he didn’t, well, he didn’t discuss the whys or wherefores, as he continued on the path he’d chosen for himself.

  “Exactly. She also wants you to retire and come home.” His father didn’t soften the request or try to couch it in gentler terms. Lorraine had likely nagged him to broach the subject, and Henry had done what he’d been asked to do.

  “I’ll think about it,” Kaiden replied w
ithout missing a beat. The flare of his father’s cigar illuminated his face and the creases of Henry’s smile.

  “I’ll let her know.” The silence following offered a profound statement of acceptance.

  “Dad?”

  “You have to do what’s right for you, Kaiden,” Henry answered without waiting for him to vocalize the question.

  “What if I don’t know what’s right?”

  “Then you do what you said…you consider it. You weigh what your conscience wishes against what your soul can bear, and then you make the choice that’s right for you.”

  His father’s advice had been far from easy. “I have a contract and I have duty.”

  “You have seven months and four days left on your contract.” Acute understanding flared in the words. “You have to give them an answer to that question when you return, and haven’t they begun the pullout? Our forces are leaving Afghanistan and Iraq.”

  “There’s always another war. Another place that needs us.” Neither brought up the more recent news; they didn’t have to.

  “Kaiden, you’re a grown man. So I’m going to ask you one question and I want the answer not to be about the Marines, or about our country, or even about duty. I want you to answer from your soul…what do you need?”

  “It’s not that simple.” His needs came second to his unit, second to his country, and definitely second to duty.

  “They never are, son. Never. It’s the hardest question in the world to ask yourself what you need—not your family, your wife—your friends. But you. You’re the kind of guy who takes care of others first. It’s why you’re here when it’s the last place you want to be.” Blunt understanding, not judgment or censure, populated his father’s words.

  “I didn’t want to come.” And he knew he could tell his dad and it wouldn’t hurt his feelings. “True enough. I didn’t. I don’t think I belong among all of you anymore. But I couldn’t not come, either.”

  “All right.”

  Kaiden had told Rowan he didn’t want to taint them. He couldn’t enter a circle with clear conscience and honest feeling when he’d broken the cardinal law he’d been taught since birth—an it harm none. As unorthodox as his upbringing might seem to others, it was all he’d known before he enlisted in the Marines. It sustained him through basic, through deployment—through nearly everything else. Unfortunately, that changed somewhere along the way, and he didn’t know precisely when.