Are We Live?

by Marion Appleby

  Bob: Here’s the last of our five-point questions: Tell me where, specifically, is the weirdest place that you have ever gotten the urge to make whoopee [have sex]. Olga?

  Olga: [Giggling.] In the ass?

  [Slight pause, whole studio erupts in laughter.]

  Bob: No, no, no. What I’m talking about is the weirdest location.

  Olga: The weirdest location. I don’t know.

  Bob: Give me an answer, please. He [Olga’s husband] said it was in the car, on the freeway.

  Olga: [Cringes silently.]

  Cheap joke

  Celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott trades in on his West Indian heritage.

  Ainsley Harriott: Those Glamorgan sausages are a little bit on the black side, are they not? You’re prepared to try it, are you?

  Contestant: Yup, yup.

  Ainsley Harriott: Ooh, that’s always good, I like a girl who likes a black sausage [raises eyebrow at camera].

  Can’t Cook, Won’t Cook, BBC One

  Pooooeeeee!

  It’s hard to maintain your decorum when faced with a nasty honk – especially if you’re live on television. Just thank the Lord smell-o-vision hasn’t been invented yet!

  ‘[Television is] an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn’t have in your home.’

  VETERAN BROADCASTER DAVID FROST

  An assault on the senses

  Pregnant newscaster Kate Silverton nearly vomited during an interview with British comedian David Walliams during an interview on the BBC’s News 24 channel in 2011.

  Presented with Walliams’s scratch-and-sniff booklet, Silverton took a good whiff of a panel that was meant to smell like ‘two pairs of moldy socks, one dirty nappy, three rancid tins of tuna, some rotting carpet, an old cabbage and a small pile of cat poo’. While a graphic of the offending page was shown on screen, Silverton could be heard retching very loudly, exclaiming, ‘Oh, that’s exactly what I thought it would smell like!’

  Skip the bran flakes!

  Californian weatherman Aaron Perlman felt the need to explain to viewers why he was unable to deliver the weather bulletin without giggling. Welcoming back the audience after the commercial break, Perlman quickly lost it, saying, ‘In all my years as a weatherman I have never come out of a commercial break laughing so hard. Sorry.’ But his colleagues on the news desk wouldn’t rest until he revealed exactly why he was laughing. ‘Aaron had a bodily function error just after the break,’ said one co-anchor. ‘Let’s just say the winds picked up pretty strong in here …I think you know what we mean.’

  Perlman attempted to seize back control by continuing to deliver the bulletin, with, ‘The winds coming out of the south are bringing cloudy skies for the rest of the day.’ His co-host quipped, ‘The winds did come out of the south.’ Exasperated and close to collapse, Perlman eventually came clean, ‘Don’t tell me that you guys don’t fart!’

  URBAN LEGENDS

  The myths of live broadcast debunked

  ‘Ambush’, the live episode of popular US medical drama ER, was thought to show George Clooney picking his nose.

  However, although the episode was performed live twice (for the benefit of east- and west-coast US audiences), the only mistakes made included one actor losing his weapon and another actor dropping his pen. Clooney wasn’t even in it!

  Parp Idol

  Chelsea Johnson gave more than she bargained for when she auditioned for Canadian Idol. After composing herself in front of the judges, ready to belt out her song, poor Chelsea belted out instead a languorous fart. ‘I totally just farted!’ exclaimed the stricken contestant.

  Animal Magic

  Never work with animals. Especially on live TV. There’s no predicting what they might do.

  Urgent matters

  In 2012, at the prestigious UK annual dog competition Crufts, a dog, who just happened to be making excellent time on his run, stopped to take a poo. The whole thing was caught on camera, and the dog was immediately disqualified.

  Skinny cow!

  California’s KMAX-TV anchor Mark Allen got more than he bargained for when he reported live from the Dixon May Fair in 2008. As he started to deliver his entertainment report, the poor presenter didn’t realize that one of the two cows standing directly behind him had decided to take a lengthy poo. ‘What is your secret?’ Allen asked the cow. ‘I’ve been doing [the] South Beach [diet] and I haven’t had that kind of action for weeks!’

  ‘Television is more interesting than people. If it were not, we should have people standing in the corners of our rooms.’

  ALAN COREN

  Interrupted flow

  Reporting on a dog-shooting incident in Toledo, ABC news reporter Tony Geftos was cradling a 3-foot-long alligator – also found at the scene – in his arms when the miscreant reptile decided to take a leak. The urine could be seen trickling down poor Geftos’s arm, as he ably continued with his report.

  NOT IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN

  CLOSE YOUR EARS

  Kids’ television is a high-octane assault on the senses, full of throbbing lights, lots of noise and daft skits. But what happens when you invite that really cool band to come on and play their slightly risqué new song? Or when a naughty little cherub decides to call into the morning phone-in and shout obscenities down the line …?

  Having a Pop

  Endless rounds of press junkets when they’ve got a new single to promote can mean pop groups are often overexposed. So you can perhaps forgive the foul-mouthed few who’ve let rip at the latest boy band live on air.

  Charming!

  In 1984, a naughty man called Simon Roberts decided to use the forum of a Saturday-morning children’s television programme to tell eighties pop group Matt Bianco exactly what he thought of them.

  Mike Read: Simon Roberts on the line. Hello, Simon.

  Simon Roberts: Hello.

  Mike Read: You’re through to Matt Bianco.

  Simon Roberts: Hello, Matt Bianco.

  Matt Bianco: Hello!

  Simon Roberts: You’re a bunch of wankers.

  [Sound of dial tone.]

  Mike Read: Hello. . .? He’s gone.

  Saturday Superstore, BBC One

  EXPLOSIVE TELEVISION!

  In 1989, squeaky-clean TV presenter Anthea Turner was seriously injured when pyrotechnics exploded in her face live on Saturday-morning children’s television program UP2U.

  Presenting a piece to camera from the back of a truck, a very young Turner can be seen grinning and swinging her legs before a motorcycle stuntman emerges from the vehicle and a huge explosion propels her to the ground. In a darkly ironic twist, Turner’s last words before the blast were, ‘If you want something to happen to you …’ Unfortunately, the poor lady was left with some quite serious burns and temporary hearing loss, and ended up suing the BBC.

  ‘Today, watching television often means fighting, violence and foul language – and that’s just deciding who gets to hold the remote control.’

  CHILDREN’S AUTHOR DONNA GEPHART

  Why I oughta …

  Naughty Eliot Fletcher decided to give pop group Five Star a piece of his mind when he called into kids’ TV show Going Live! in 1989.

  Sarah Greene: OK, Eliot, what’s your question?

  Eliot Fletcher: I’d like to ask Five Star why they’re so fucking crap! They’re fucking mother— [cut off]

  Sarah Greene: Thanks very much, Eliot! Nice to hear from you. Let’s move on to line three. Have you got a sensible question?

  Going Live!, BBC One

  Do As I Do

  Sometimes it’s the celebrities themselves that forget where they are and utter words that shouldn’t see the light of day on children’s TV.

  Boomtown brat

  In 2003, in a segment in which celebrity guests review the latest singles on ITV’s Saturday-morning children’s show CD:UK, guest, serial-swearer Bob Geldof, let it all hang out.

  He started fairly tamely by professing his e
nthusiasm for Irish band the Thrills. After a video of their new single ‘Don’t Steal Our Sun’ had run, Geldof told presenter Cat Deeley, ‘They’re a proper band, aren’t they, there’s no sort of dicking around.’ Clearly warming to his theme, Geldof wouldn’t take no for an answer when it turned out there wasn’t enough time left to show the final single. ‘Do it anyway,’ he told Deeley. ‘Fuck the tape! Come on!’

  Icky Pop

  Iggy Pop once appeared on ITV’s live Saturday-morning children’s television programme No. 73, performing the song ‘Wild One’ as he simulated sex with a giant teddy bear.

  Although Iggy somewhat heroically managed to keep his top on for the whole of the performance, he did simulate sexy times with a teddy bear, thrusting the stuffed toy’s bottom to the general area of his own crotch. Iggy reportedly found it ‘quite difficult’ to secure bookings on British television for ‘some time’ thereafter.

  Jedward are say shit

  In November 2009, X Factor UK rejects twins John and Edward Grimes made an inauspicious debut on RTÉ’s ever-popular The Late Late Show spin-off, Toy Show. Keen to show off his talents, an excitable John decided to walk on his hands and do the splits at the same time …with the inevitable result to his trouser gusset. ‘Oh, shit,’ said the tower-haired pop star. ‘I’ve ripped my pants. Oh, my God, that was not planned.’ Luckily the show aired post-watershed at 11pm.

  RADIO GA-GA

  MAKING WAVES

  Many of us might think of radio as a genteel world, home to veteran presenters, afternoon plays and competition phone-ins. But as the following tales will attest, exhausted hosts, nutty members of the public and clueless politicians have made for some radio-mishap gold!

  Too Much Time on Their Hands

  Imagine the scene: you’re fifteen, you have no money and you’re really, really bored. You’re sitting in the kitchen with your best friend while a terrible local radio station plays in the background. Suddenly, you get an idea – what if you rang the station for a dedication and called yourself by a funny name?

  I. P. Freely

  ‘OK, let’s get to our first dedication: “Dear Chris, please say a big hello to Connie Lingus, who’s sixty-nine on Tuesday. She’ll be enjoying my meat and two veg on Sunday at twelve. Wish her all the very best and tell her I look forward to seeing her when she comes.” And that comes from Ivan Ardon.’

  BBC Radio Leicestershire, April 2006

  For inspiration, here’s a list of the most popular names used during prank calls:

  Harry Balls

  Ben Dover

  Mo Lestor

  Gaye Barr

  Al Fresco

  Holden MacGroyne

  Mr Bates

  Willie B. Hardigan

  Anita Mann

  Harry Beard

  Dick Hertz

  Phil McCracken

  Harry Beaver

  Pat Hiscock

  Monica Moorehead

  Dick Bender

  Mike Hunt

  Bea O’Problem

  Dick Burns

  Dick Hunter

  Fanny O’Rear

  Seymour Bush

  Buster Hymann

  Ivan Oder

  Seymour Butz

  Heywood Jablome

  Mike Rotch

  Buster Cherry

  Hugh Jass

  Emma Royds

  Harry Cox

  Hugh Jorgan

  Tess Steckle

  I. P. Daly

  Jack Knoff

  Willie Stroker

  Al Dente

  Anita Lay

  Dick Swett

  Anita Dick

  Willie Leak

  Jenny Tull

  Palin for all to see

  It’s not always the listeners who like to pull pranks. Canadian radio duo The Masked Avengers (or Les Justiciers Masqués), Sébastien Trudel and Marc-Antoine Audette, pulled a spectacular joke on Sarah Palin in November 2008. Posing as the then French President Nicolas Sarkozy, the pair managed to keep Palin on the line for almost six minutes.

  The Masked Avengers managed to dupe a giddy-sounding Palin into believing French crooner Johnny Hallyday was Sarkozy’s Special American Advisor and French Canadian country singer Stef Carse was the Prime Minister of Canada. The highlight, however, had to be their announcement that Sarkozy’s wife Carla Bruni had written a song for Palin called ‘Du rouge à lèvres sur un cochon’ (translation: ‘Lipstick on a Pig’).

  Losing Their Cool

  A handsome salary, countless freebies and free entry to glamorous parties are just some of the perks of being a DJ. But sometimes those early starts can play havoc with one’s decorum.

  ‘… And the last word today – Enoch Powell: the best prime minister we probably never had.’

  Former BBC Radio 2 DJ Sarah Kennedy, airing her somewhat misguided support for Britain’s most famous opponent of immigration

  ‘It’s the Queen Mum’s birthday today. Ah, she smells of wee but we all love her.’

  BBC Radio 1 DJ Sara Cox, broadcasting live from Ibiza

  ‘Hurry up, folks, and deposit your letters now. We’ll be waiting for your droppings in the box.’

  A radio announcer encourages listeners to write in to the show

  Finger pointing

  BBC Radio 2 host Dermot O’Leary made a bit of a blunder when he insinuated his fellow host Sarah Kennedy had a problem with drink. When Alan Carr told O’Leary that he prefers to drink vodka because it can’t be detected on his breath, O’Leary quipped, ‘The Sarah Kennedy get-out.’

  Setting the tempo

  American radio host and popular personality Casey Kasem is best known for hosting the American Top 40 show. But he’s also quite famous for his radio rants, and not least for his most famous blow-up, which happened when he was trying to record a dedication for a listener’s dead dog.

  In a rant of ever-increasing ire, Kasem lambasted his producers for failing to provide appropriate music to lead into the sad story. He finished his piece with the following summary of his thoughts: ‘I want somebody to use HIS FUCKING BRAIN to not come out of A GOD-DAMN RECORD that is up-tempo when I’ve got to talk about a FUCKING DOG DYING!’ No doubt that was them told.

  ‘98 per cent of American homes have TV sets, which means the people in the other 2 per cent have to generate their own sex and violence.’

  COMEDIAN GENE BAYLER

  Please don’t leave a message

  In October 2008, tousle-haired lothario Russell Brand and his BBC Radio 2 co-host Jonathan Ross got themselves – and quite a few other members of BBC staff – into lots of trouble when they broadcast a series of naughty messages they’d left on actor Andrew Sachs’s answerphone.

  The pair originally called the actor to interview him for their show, but, when he failed to answer, Ross decided instead to tell Sachs’s machine that Brand had ‘fucked [his] granddaughter’. Brand followed with the equally regrettable, ‘It was consensual and she wasn’t menstrual.’ Silly, silly boys.

  The Audience Has It

  ‘Actives’ is an industry term for radio listeners who contact shows to request songs, participate in debates, or just to have a chat with the DJ. But perhaps it’s time to coin a new phrase, ‘bad actives’, to describe a DJ’s worst nightmare – the uncontrollable, mad or really stupid guest.

  Bright spark

  This caller to an Australian radio station – that was running a competition to win a motorbike to celebrate the release of a new AC/DC album – wasn’t the sharpest tool in the box.

  DJ #1: Hello. What’s your name?

  Caller: Mark!

  DJ #1: Now, listen, Mark, do you like AC/DC?

  Mark: Yeeeees.

  DJ #1: And, do you have a motorcycle licence?

  Mark: No. But I’ll get one if I win it! I’m gonna win it.

  DJ #1: Good, good. I like that confidence. Well, look, I have to ask you a question before I put your name in the draw.

 
; Mark: OK …

  DJ #1: Mark, spell ‘AC/DC’.

  Mark: AD …AC.

  DJ #1: Um, I’m going to ask you again. How do you spell ‘AC/DC’?

  Mark: A …D …AC!

  DJ #1: Mark, I’ll kill you in a minute.

  DJ #2: Mark. One more time. How do you spell ‘AC/DC’?

  [Silence.]

  DJ #1: SPELL ‘AC/DC’!

  Mark: How to spell …A …D …D …C?

  [Sound of giggling.]

  Mark: A …AD …A …I’m getting this all wrong!

  DJ #1: Mark, you’re getting it seriously wrong. JUST SPELL ‘AC/DC’!