Are We Live?
Page 4
Sky News reporting on Gordon Brown’s meeting with the Queen
‘The Arch Bitch of Canterbury.’
BBC News reporting on the baddest cleric in Christendom
‘The Clown is starting to break, the skies are starting to look Clare.’
BBC News reporting on the circus …I mean, the weather
‘[The government] are making holes for surgeons.’
BBC subtitles that should have read ‘making helpful decisions’
‘I do not believe in soliciting myself.’
British broadcaster Andrew Neil on the BBC’s Daily Politics (he actually said ‘shortlisting’)
‘The Island rugby team.’
The BBC live subtitling system apparently does not care for Irish rugby players
‘They will be toasted to their limits.’
Phillip Schofield describing the challenges facing the contestants on Dancing On Ice
‘The sale of millions of puppies in Britain.’
BBC subtitles when covering Remembrance Day – poppies, it seems, are so passé
‘Engle Bert humper distinct.’
Engelbert Humperdinck, as announced by subtitles on ITV1’s Loose Women
‘We will now have a moment’s violence.’
BBC News 24 live subtitles, during the Queen Mother’s funeral in April 2002
‘Mr Beryl Beryl.‘
Live subtitles give Silvio Berlusconi, former Prime Minister of Italy, a whole new name
‘Jesus Christ.’
Live subtitling interpretation of ‘GCHQ’ (Government Communications Headquarters)
‘There will be little silence out of the Emirates today, but both teams mock the fact that tomorrow is Remembrance Sunday.’
Match of the Day subtitling referring to a football match at the Arsenal Emirates Stadium – it should have read ‘mark’
‘“Very Super Tissues” – Stevie Wonder.’
BBC live subtitles, trying (but failing) to indicate the use of Stevie Wonder’s ‘Superstition’ lyric as background music
‘Across the ice and the Samaritans and speedo you …The choreography for this routine it’s quite a blasphemy …dolomite go horribly one when you got your Blades Court …I am begging you not to dealers list.’
Subtitles on Dancing on Ice, which bought a whole new meaning to the word ‘baffling’.
Missing the Point
It might be a hard-rock number or a perhaps a heart-wrenching ballad, but whatever the tune chosen, background music is used to great effect by broadcasters to heighten the dramatic feel of a piece, or just to illustrate a point. But there have been times when the choice of music hasn’t just been inappropriate, it’s been downright offensive.
Not so precious
‘Precious Things’ by Tori Amos was used as backing music on a daytime antiques show, even though the song – and in fact the album – largely examines Amos’s sexual assault as a young woman, feminism, and quite a lot of bleeding.
Built like a …
‘Brick Shithouse’ by Placebo was played over footage of rugby match highlights.
Gladys in da hood
In May 2010, during a CNN news report celebrating the fact that one-hundred-and-three-year-old pensioner Gladys Flamer was still able to drive herself around, the production team accidentally played the wrong music. As the tape of an elderly black woman rolled, rapper Coolio’s ‘Fantastic Voyage’ accompanied the segment. With a lyric that included ‘Everybody’s got a stack and it ain’t no crack,’ poor Gladys’s piece went down with some aplomb.
News anchor Kyra Phillips was later forced to apologize: ‘It was the wrong music that aired, and we apologize for that. It was a terrible mistake, and we’re working very hard to make up for that.’
A Gremlin in the System
During a repeat run of teleshopping programmes on the soon-to-be-defunct American cable channel Q2, the person in charge of the on-screen graphics was feeling a little naughty. Instead of backing-up the claims made by the presenter, the on-screen messages were anything but helpful. A lesson to television execs: this is what happens when you give a disgruntled, soon-to-be-let-go member of staff a little bit of last-minute freedom.
Polished off
Product advertised: ‘Set of scratch remover tubes with polishing cloth (a snip at $19.00 with just $4.47 shipping and handling!)’
The accompanying on-screen graphics:
COMING UP: RICHARD SIMMONS …NAKED!!
JUST LIKE POLISHING A TURD …
THIRTY-DAY MONEY BACK GUARANTEE
NORMAL DELIVERY IS SEVEN TO TEN WORKING DAYS
ALSO REMOVES WRINKLES AND LIVER SPOTS
I’M LONELY …CALL ME AT 610-701-8696
STILL LONELY …PLEASE CALL ME :-)
CAROLANN …GO INTO THE LIGHT!!!!!!!
‘Television is now so desperately hungry for material that they’re scraping the top of the barrel.
GORE VIDAL
Freedom from the kids
Product advertised: ‘The Freedom Bag (a suitcase, at $33.00, down from $50.00!)’
Accompanying on-screen graphics: ADDED BONUS: POUCH TO STORE KIDS IN!
Neck on the line
Product advertised: ‘Diane Young Coneflower Neckline Firmer $34.25’
Accompanying on-screen graphics:
MAY CAUSE CANCER THOUGH …
I WONDER WHAT SHE’S THINKING RIGHT NOW
IS MY NECK REALLY THAT FAT????
‘All television is children’s television.’
RICHARD ADLER
You Can’t Get the Staff!
Pity the poor newsreaders and presenters at the mercy of a sometimes dozy production team.
Unpaid bills
Colin Briggs (news anchor): Good morning. The accident and emergency unit in Newcastle now looks almost certain to move from its home in—
[The news studio lights turn off. The room is plunged into total darkness.]
Colin Briggs: Don’t worry, we haven’t paid the lighting bill.
[Poor Colin was forced to deliver the remainder of the news in silhouette.]
BBC local news
A bit of an earful
Faced with a revolving on-screen graphic and intro music that had stuck, this BBC News 24 presenter clearly had half the gallery shouting in her ear. Sadly, she opened the bulletin with:
News anchor: Good evening and welcome to the problem. We seem to be having some …a few problems this morning …I do apologize for that.
BBC News 24
Not my fault
News anchor: To autonomy, and onto the French …National Assembly …has adopted …must approve …the measures before …erm, a constitutional review, ah, panel …I’m sorry, this story is …absolute …erm …nonsense. I’ll continue with some headlines for you.
BBC World Report
I give up
‘I really do apologize to both of you. It really is a complete shambles tonight.’
Jeremy Paxman, to his studio and non-studio interviewees, during some telephone-based trouble
Not right now
In 2009, football fans missed the only goal in the Merseyside FA Cup derby when ITV cut to the break during extra time. The last-minute goal meant Liverpool were knocked out of the cup, but both Everton and Liverpool fans failed to see it when an automated system (which controls when commercials are broadcast) overrode transmission of the game. Football fans were, understandably, rather furious.
The SHIT Awards
Other times it’s the presenters and the production staff whose dozy antics lead to disaster. At the, now infamous, BRIT Awards in 1989, songwriting genius Mick Fleetwood and pint-size glamour model Samantha Fox delivered what has to be one of the worst presenting jobs in television history.
Although proceedings began well enough with a live performance from Gloria Estefan, it soon became apparent that the 5’1” Fox and 6’5” Fleetwood not only looked wrong on stage together, they also appeared monumentally uncomfortable presenti
ng a live show. Indulging in some cringe-worthy ad-libbing and unable to hide the catalogue of continuity, technical and autocue errors that plagued the entire broadcast, Fleetwood and Fox also managed to announce the wrong winners and introduce the wrong guests.
The event was duly pre-recorded for the following eighteen years.
Steady Eddie
Sometimes it’s the presenters, and not the production staff, who are responsible for the technical mishaps.
In 2010, during the presentation of a Samsung 50” HD-ready plasma TV on QVC in the UK, the presenter decided to show how hardy (he thought) the television was by punching it square in the screen.
Proclaiming that his nephew Hugh had ‘put the hand controller from his wii straight through the screen of his LCD telly’, the presenter, somewhat naively, added, ‘you won’t find that so much with a plasma TV’. After bashing his fist hard three times onto the TV, the sound of glass shattering could be heard, along with the presenters claim that, ‘Oh, I’ve broken it …I think it’s because I’ve done it so many times today.’ I wonder how many of those TVs they managed to shift after that …
‘Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.’
WOODY ALLEN
A ghost in the machine
Sometimes it’s difficult to point the finger of blame. Especially when the cameras aren’t controlled by humans …
A basketball report by a sportscaster in New England was interrupted when his newsdesk shuddered and began to emit strange noises. The noise was coming from a huge studio floor camera, which appeared to be moving of its own accord. It turned out it was a robotic camera with a mind of its own – it was out of control, and eventually ploughed into the news readers’ desk, pushing them both completely out of shot. Maybe it didn’t like basketball?
LANGUAGE PROBLEMS
MOUTH MALFUNCTIONS
Whether it’s inadvertently letting a swear rip live on air, or getting their tongues tied up in knots, spare a thought for the presenters and newscasters who sometimes don’t say what they mean.
Fluffing It Up
There’s no chance of a second take during a live recording – bad news for the tongue-tied!
Malapropisms
Malapropism: n. Also, malaprop: ‘The mistaken use of a word in place of a similar-sounding one, often with unintentionally amusing effect.’ Such as:
‘Ladies and gentlemen, we now bring you, from Salt Lake City, the famous Moron Tablenacker Choir.’
Canadian radio announcer
‘I don’t know, man, I might just fade into Bolivian, you know what I mean?’
Boxer Mike Tyson, speaking to reporters
‘We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile.’
George W. Bush
‘This series has been swings and pendulums all the way through.’
Trevor Bailey, British cricket commentator
‘He’s going up and down like a metronome.’
Ron Pickering, BBC sports commentator
‘Marie Scott …has really plummeted to the top.’
Alan Weeks, British sports commentator
‘They have miscalculated me as a leader.’
George W. Bush
‘Kerry is a lifeguard in her local swimming pool …she says weekends are the worst – lots of jumping in and bumming all over the place.’
Newsreader Dominic Byrne on BBC Radio 1’s The Chris Moyle’s Show
Spoonerisms
Spoonerism: n. Also, spoonerisms (plural): ‘A verbal error in which a speaker accidentally transposes the initial sounds or letters of two or more words, often to humorous effect.’ For example:
‘Stifford Crapps’
Radio announcer McDonald Hobley, introducing the British politician Sir Stafford Cripps
‘A shining wit.’
Comedian Barry Cryer on fellow broadcaster Clive Anderson, on BBC Radio 4’s I’m Sorry, I Haven’t a Clue
‘Rictoria Vagina.’
The Antique Roadshow’s ceramic expert David Battie, trying to describe a piece of Victoria Regina porcelain
‘Masif Asood.’
Cricket commentator John Arlott on the Pakistani fast bowler Asif Masood
‘The next voice you’ll hear will be that of our president, Hoobert Heever.’
Radio announcer Harry von Zell, commemorating the anniversary of President Herbert Hoover’s birth
Sporting Chance
Straight off the pitch with adrenaline pumping round their bodies, you could forgive sportsmen for committing the odd swearing-related gaffe – especially if they’re faced with nosy journalists armed with a barrage of questions.
Quick off the mark
The bleepers weren’t quick enough to mask the naughty language uttered by the following sportsmen.
‘I’ll have fucking sex tonight.’
An overexcited Peter Casey after a triumphant win at the horse races
Interviewer: ‘You’ve achieved other things in your career. How does this compare?’
Wayne Rooney: ‘Ah, it’s the fucking best by far …[looks sheepishly at interviewer] sorry, ha, ha!’
Wayne Rooney, being interviewed live on Sky Sports News
‘Fucking wanker.’
Paul ‘Gazza’ Gascoigne, when the organizers of the Italia ’90 tournament asked each player to mouth their name to camera for the benefit of European TV stations
‘My season was shit …Can I say that?’
Football bad boy Mario Balotelli swears on live TV after winning the FA Cup Final
Fact of the Day
Theatre critic Kenneth Tynan was the first man to say ‘fuck’ on British television.
During a live BBC TV debate in 1965, Tynan was asked if he would ever consider staging a play that contained depictions of sexual intercourse. Tynan replied, ‘I doubt if there are any rational people to whom the word fuck would be particularly diabolical, revolting or totally forbidden. I think that anything which can be printed or said can also be seen.’
Full blast
Lesson to all would-be journalists: Do not question legend Sir Alex Ferguson’s leadership of Manchester United!
Geoff Shreeves: Had you ever known more pressure on you in your nineteen-year tenure?
Alex Ferguson: Nah, that’s absolute bollocks, that.
Sky Sports News
A likely excuse
When Italian footballer Roberto Di Matteo uttered the word ‘shit’ live on Sky Sports, the kindly presenter immediately excused him because English is Di Matteo’s second language: ‘We’re nearly past the watershed, but I know what you said. That’s a word [former football manager] Dennis Wise taught him all those years ago – Dennis, it’s your fault.’
Watch out!
While he was being interviewed for television at a football training session during his tenure as manager of Portsmouth Football Club, Harry Redknapp was hit by a football. He wasn’t very happy about it.
Redknapp: We lost Festa with a ligament injury, he’s having a scan today. I’m just hoping it’s not as serious as we think it might be. So he’s certainly not going to be around. Arjan de Zeeuw’s done a groin—
[Harry is hit by a football. He looks around, furious, for the culprit.]
Redknapp [to a player off camera]: WHY THE FUCK HAVE YOU KICKED THAT OVER HERE?
[The culprit can be heard trying to explain himself.]
Redknapp: WHAT? …YOU TRIED TO KICK IT IN THE GOAL AND YOU HIT ME? GOT SOME FUCKING BRAINS, HAVEN’T YOU? [Distracted and clearly still livid] No wonder he’s in the fucking reserves.
The Ultimate Swear Word
It’s a real divider, and no more so than when it’s uttered on live television.
Too late!
These professionals have been known to let the odd one slip …
‘[After a video montage of Cantona] How cool is that! Great to see Eric C**t …Cantona.’
BBC Sportsday host Olly Foster
&nb
sp; ‘Cuts here, cuts there, cuts everywhere …Supposing, though, some of the people who ought to be paying taxes so the c**ts …cuts aren’t so bad, aren’t actually doing so.’