Only Love

by Smith, Victoria H.

  But she didn’t, and when she continued to yell and scream I quickly gathered something. Hers was the only voice in there I heard. No return voice whatsoever. No male voice whatsoever.

  I rested my hand on the door, opening my ears for the first time, listening. I heard a gasp next, and her watery voice followed after a long silence.

  “It’s not right,” she kept saying over and over. “I trusted you. I held faith in you. In your promises… I can’t anymore, Javi. I just can’t. It’s not fair to Marissa. It’s not fair to me...”

  She continued to refuse what he was telling her, not budging in the least, and the next thing I knew there was silence and my heart raced even more. Her voice boomed in again and it managed to pump a beat even quicker inside my chest.

  “No, don’t call anymore! I won’t answer,” she threatened. “I won’t. Not until I can think.”

  A sudden drop hit the floor and I blinked, listening more. When I didn’t hear any more words, I poised my hand, knocking softer this time. The tone matched the dwindling pace of my heart. “Aubrey?” I spoke lightly. “Aubrey, are you there?”

  I knew she was, but what I was really asking was could she let me in. I meant that in more ways than one. Latches sounded behind the door. It breezed open ahead of me and the disarray of the apartment caught my attention immediately. She had items strew across the floor. Shoe boxes. They were men’s shoes, sneakers to be more specific, and they all had the tags still on them. The same went with the basketball jerseys. They hung off the lamps and on the back of the sofa as well as in piles on the floor, many other items of clothing amongst them. Again, they were all men’s. There was jewelry as well. Gold chains and various things tossed on the floor. There was just so much stuff, and in the pile, was Rissa. She played with a glittering, silver bracelet. One I felt like I’d seen before. On Aubrey maybe? I wasn’t sure. Near Rissa was a cellphone, the screen cracked. I assumed that was the noise I heard hitting the floor.

  “Adam…”

  I gazed down. Aubrey. She stood there stiff in front of me, her head down with papers clasped in tight fists at her sides. They were strips of paper that looked like receipts. I put my hands on her upper arms, squeezing. “Aubrey?”

  Slowly, she lifted her head. I never thought I’d see Aubrey cry. Ever. She put on such a tough shell, one I thought was so hard to crack. I supposed it wasn’t so hard after all. She blinked and her dark eyes became glassier than they already were. She shook her head, nothing but a wretched expression lining her beautiful face as she opened her mouth. “I’m just so… so…”

  I pushed my finger under her eye, catching the first fallen tear. “You’re just so what, Aubrey?”

  She shook her head she was trying so hard not to cry, and then she didn’t even bother. The tears came over her lower lids freely. “I’m just so tired,” she said.

  She laid her head on my chest, her shoulders shaking as she gasped to catch her breath, and I brought my arms around her. If I hadn’t, she would have collapsed to the floor in her tears.

  I asked Aubrey where her shoes were and to get Rissa ready to go out while I found them. She didn’t question too much. I could imagine because of what she’d said: she was both mentally and physically exhausted. She’d gotten Rissa’s shoes on and I told her I’d finish up by getting her into her jacket seeing as it was cool out tonight. Aubrey washed her face of her tears while I did. When she came out I was holding Rissa, all ready to go, and that’s when I think it clicked for her that we were going somewhere, or at least to ask me where. I told her then anywhere she wanted to go as I was taking she and Rissa out tonight. Aubrey needed to get out. Out of her head. Out of everything.

  She needed a break.

  After I transferred Rissa’s car seat from Aubrey’s car to mine, we did. Aubrey said she wanted to go someplace with noise. I didn’t know why but I’d do whatever she asked. I decided on a family style restaurant, but one with televisions and a more sport’s bar type setting as they had lots of people around, a busier atmosphere. But when we took a corner table, Rissa to the side of us in her high chair, it felt like the three of us were in our own little world. Rissa couldn’t get enough, a happy grin on her face by all the flashing TVs and people chatting around her. Aubrey tended to her, but she didn’t talk at first. Outside of feeding Rissa what she calmed down enough to eat, she herself only picked at her fries, sipped at her Coke in silence, and it wasn’t because Rissa needed her attention.

  “It’s always been like this with us,” she said suddenly. “Even since high school.”

  I looked up from my own fries, pretty much untouched. I found it hard to have an appetite knowing she was so stressed. I nodded, listening to her. I think I knew exactly who she was talking about, who sent her over the edge tonight.

  With Rissa occupied with a set of toy keys on the table, Aubrey shrugged, pushing her arms around her body like she was cold. I wished I could slip over to the other side of the table and hold her. “He has good intentions,” she continued, watching Rissa play. “Javi, Rissa’s dad. He just gets ahead of himself sometimes. Like today. He always has my best interest at heart. Rissa’s too, but…” She shook her head. “He got a credit card in my name. Charged up a bunch of stuff. I know exactly when it happened too. He started getting me a bunch of things one day. Things for himself, too. That was all his stuff in the apartment. He took him and me on vacation as well. This was before Rissa. He’d just gotten an honest job so I thought the funds were legit. I should have known better. An honest job and Javi? I should have known better. He was always in the streets. Long before I knew him.”

  I watched the two together, Aubrey and Rissa. The mom lifted her hand, brushing her finger casually over her daughter’s arm.

  “Where’s Rissa’s dad now, Aubrey?” She looked up at me after my question. “Why isn’t he here? Why isn’t he taking care of you? Rissa?”

  I tried not to let my temper get away from me but I couldn’t help it. What kind of a man did such a thing to his woman and daughter? One better, why did she believe she should put up with it?

  Her cringe let me know I came across harsher than I wished. I lifted my hand from my lap to place on the table, to grab her free hand near our water glasses, but I hesitated, placing it down for now.

  Her lashes fell over her eyes as she hung her head. She’d done that so many times tonight. She lowered her hand from Rissa’s arm, letting the baby play while she placed her own hands on the table.

  “Afghanistan,” she nearly whispered, and that’s the last thing I thought I’d hear. She pulled a breath through her nose, looking up at me with eyes so sad. “He left to serve right before we found out about Rissa, and once he did know about her, that only gave him more incentive for why he thought he should go. He knew I was gonna leave. He knew I couldn’t do it anymore. I was just tired of it. Tired of shit. Tired of—”

  I couldn’t help it this time. I slipped my hand into hers, holding tightly, securely. Her lashes fluttered up at me after I did and I couldn't help but think about what I wouldn’t give to wake up to that. Have that in my life in ways well beyond the physical sense. But that was something I couldn’t have—her. She was locked up tight. At first, I just thought that was Aubrey, and yeah, she was a strong and independent women, but it was something more on top of that. Something deeper still. This guy had her. He had her and she was having a hard time letting go.

  I put my other hand on top of ours, staring at them as I clasped her hands. “Why do you do this to yourself?” I asked her, but I wanted to know one further.

  Why wouldn’t she let me help her with the burden? I resisted though, letting her answer the first.

  “We all have our vices,” she said, staring down at our hands with me. Suddenly, they met mine once again, her eyes. “And I think you know as well as I do how fucked up they can be.”

  I did know that, nodding at what she’d said. I guess we did have a similarity there, a fucked up one indeed.

  Rissa kic
ked up her legs to the side of us, for the first time seeming agitated and restless. She dropped her toy keys to the floor and Aubrey’s hands left mine. I immediately noticed their absence.

  “She’s getting fussy,” she said, picking up Rissa’s keys. She placed them on the table and her next move was to pick her daughter up. But I moved in that direction first, capturing her attention. She lifted those big beautiful eyes to me and I exchanged a glance with her, asking for permission to tend to Marissa.

  I was happy when she gave just that, nodding at me to go ahead.

  I lifted Rissa by her chubby little waist, bringing her out of her chair and into my arms. I was mid-reach to grab her toy keys and play with her, but this little girl in my arms had other plans. Throwing me for a loop, she sat down on my leg, sidesaddle style, and laid her soft hair against my chest. She smelled like babies. And wonderful.

  Everything happened so fast. Rissa’s thumb in her mouth, her falling asleep, asleep, in the middle of a packed restaurant. I placed my hand gently on her hair, watching her small body move up and down in her sleep. Smiling, I shook my head. “She’s probably the only kid I know who could sleep through all this,” I said, referring to the active restaurant.

  “She was born during a storm,” Aubrey said. I only heard her voice as Rissa still awed me. “The noise soothes her.”

  How interesting. I suppose that’s why Aubrey wanted to come someplace like this tonight.

  “I like you, Adam.”

  I looked up to find Aubrey’s eyes on me, me with Marisa. I’d never seen her stare so warm. She reached over to Rissa, playing lightly with the sleeve of her shirt between two fingers. But just as quickly as I got that stare from her, those words, her expression went solemn.

  “I really like you,” she continued, her words so light. “But…”

  I reached over, grabbing her other hand. The gesture brought her to me in the most interesting way, Rissa closing a small circle made up of the three of us. I smiled at her mom.

  “Just eat with me tonight,” I told her nodding to her plate. “Just relax with me. Let yourself do that here and in the moment.”

  And really, that’s all I wanted for now.

  This, all of us being together, was the closest thing I’d had to a complete family in years. That both scared and contented me at the same time. Scared me because Rissa was taking to Adam so well, getting fatherly affection from someplace other than Javi, and I hadn’t yet decided if that was okay. Contented me because, deep down, this was all I wanted for her—wanted for us.

  Stroking the back of my hand with his thumb, Adam continued to watch me, unknowingly pulling me in deeper, making me fall for him just a little more as the seconds ticked away. It wasn’t lost on me that lately every time things in my life started falling apart, he’d been there to help me pick up the pieces. Whether his being there at the right place at the right time was intentional or coincidence didn’t matter. The fact still remained that he was there.

  With Rissa being cared for, I ate the rest of my food in peace, glancing up every now and again to stare at her in Adam’s arms. She wasn’t the only one who seemed to find peace in the embrace, though; Adam was eating up all the attention he’d been getting from her. Most guys like kids, but few that I’d encountered are good with them. But he was great with Rissa—didn’t let her fussiness rattle him, didn’t mind that she got noisy when she became excited, and let’s not forget the teething trick that saved my life. All in all, he seemed to know what he was doing when it came to her.

  I’d just moved my empty plate aside when Adam reached for his phone, barely moving Rissa at all when he did. He eyed the screen for a moment and then answered.

  “Hey, what’s up?”

  He fell silent while the caller responded.

  “Right now?” He asked. “I’m uh… I’m actually already out, so I’ll probably have to catch up with you guys some other time.”

  I gathered the few stray napkins and wrappers from our straws while he finished his conversation, trying not to listen.

  “No, you all go ahead without me,” he added, clearly turning down an offer to hang out with friends. When he ended the call, he set his phone back on the table.

  “If you wanted to hang out, you can just drop Rissa and me back off at the apartment,” I said with a smile, wanting him to know that I really wouldn’t be upset. After all, our going out was spur of the moment, his attempt at calming me after my episode. “She’s knocked out anyway,” I added.

  Adam met my gaze and was shaking his head before I even finished speaking. “Nah, it’s just some of the guys from the station heading out to eat. I won’t be missing anything.”

  Still, I felt bad for taking up his evening. “I mean, you could always invite them here,” I suggested.

  He shook his head. “You’ve had a rough day and I just want you to be able to relax. The guys can get kinda rowdy anyway.”

  That made me laugh. “I think I can take it,” I assured him. “Invite them. Please,” I added.

  Adam seemed hesitant, but dialed the caller back anyway, telling the person on the other end where we were. I listened, noting that he said ‘Aubrey and I’, which lead me to believe he’d mentioned me to this person before. There were a few more details given—cross streets and landmarks—and then I had Adam’s full attention again.

  “You sure this is okay?” he checked once more, still looking a bit skeptical. I loved that he was so concerned about me, but it really was fine.

  I waved him off and laughed a little. “It’s fine. Clearly you’ve forgotten how high the volume in my apartment can climb when Gabby and Rissa get going.”

  He chuckled, quieting it a bit because Rissa was asleep in his arms. Honestly, I wasn’t even dreading the thought of meeting the other officers like I would’ve if this had been a few weeks ago. Being around Adam had left me wondering if my assumption that most cops were like the ones I’d seen in action over the years was wrong. Maybe Adam was more the rule than the exception. Maybe his comrades were a lot like him. Fair. Compassionate.

  The waiter came and cleared our table of the empty glasses and dishes. Adam informed him that our party was growing from three to eleven, so two tables and eight chairs were added onto the end of ours to accommodate. Within twenty minutes the group filed through the door. Adam lifted a hand into the air briefly and they spotted us. I cleared my throat and straightened my shirt while they approached. I eyed Adam with Rissa and offered to take her from him if he wanted me to.

  “She’s fine,” he assured me, making it clear he didn’t intend to rearrange anything to put on airs for his friends. It didn’t seem to matter to him at all if they picked up on our vibe being something other than friendly.

  Ahead of the crowd, a familiar face caught my eye—Caroline, the one I’d run into leaving Adam’s apartment the other night. She stared curiously at Rissa sleeping on Adam, but quickly forced the expression away before leaning down to hug him lightly. It didn’t surprise me in the least when she took the seat beside him. When she did, she turned to greet me, too, wearing a smile on her face like we were old friends.

  “Hey, how’s it going?” she said sweetly.

  I shook her hand when she offered it. “Good. Everything’s good.” She didn’t seem to notice that I was a bit leery of her in the sense that I hadn’t yet figured out how she fit into Adam’s life. I mean, sure, I realized now that they worked together and were friends in some capacity, but was that it? Still, I didn’t really have the right to pry.

  My eyes went to Adam when he said my name. “Aubrey, I’d like for you to meet my partner, Don. Don, this is Aubrey.”

  I stared at the face of the older gentleman in front of me and took in his shocked expression as he looked me over, then to Rissa in Adam’s arms. When his attention returned to me, I gave a polite smile. “Nice to meet you, Don.”

  The corner of his mouth turned up slightly, but his eyes remained cold, as if two expressions were at war. “Likewise,
” was the only response the man gave before making his way to the seat beside Caroline.

  When I looked toward Adam I tried very hard to keep my feelings from showing through on my face, but I noticed something. He wasn’t. His expression was almost apologetic.

  So I didn’t imagine his partner giving me the cold shoulder then.

  The others seemed pretty cool. Adam introduced them one after the other, mostly by last name aside from Don and Caroline—Bonner, Gaines, Clark, Olson, Torrance, and Chambers. Soon everyone had settled in and began ranting about the score of the game on the television nearby. Every now and then, I’d catch Caroline watching me instead of the game, not with any particular look on her face, just watching. When I caught her, she forced her eyes away each time, pretending to be focused on something else.

  Across the table, Rissa stirred in Adam’s arms, whimpering a little. Just before I could reach to relieve him, he simply repositioned her on his lap. The next second, she turned her head to the other side and dozed on his chest again, still pacifying herself with her thumb. He really was a natural.

  “She’s beautiful. What’s her name?” Caroline inquired after staring at Adam for a few seconds longer.

  “Marissa,” he and I both answered at the same time, smiling when we did.

  “How old?” was Caroline’s next question.

  “She just turned a year last month,” I replied. Caroline nodded thoughtfully, still wearing a faint grin as she looked my daughter over.

  The waiter returned to take the drink orders of our new editions, and I asked for another glass of water.

  “And for you, sir?” the man asked, turning to see if Adam wanted anything else.

  “I’ll take a water, too,” he said.

  The waiter walked away and the sound of the man beside me speaking—Chambers I believe—caught my attention. “Ah, come on. You mean to tell me you can’t have a beer every once in a while? Not one?” the man asked. “Dude, you’ve been sober for years now. It’s not like one beer is gonna make you fall off the wagon completely.”