Mercy Point

by Anna Snoekstra

  With the even rhythm of her feet on the road and the dimming sky open around her, she started to feel a bit better. Every time she felt a bolt of anger she made herself run faster, and every time she felt a niggle of guilt she would push even harder. Her head still throbbed, but she tried to ignore it, instead focusing on the fresh smell of the cold wind.

  She had just turned to go home when it happened. The black dots started appearing in front of her eyes. There were only a few at first, and she thought that maybe she was just imagining it. Then more came. They were taking over her vision. She stopped dead. The sky was black now, so she could barely see at all. Her panting breath filled the blackness around her. Her heart hammered. She took a step forward and nearly tripped. Stretching out a shivering hand, she touched the rough brick of the wall next to the path. Nauseating black dots spun and throbbed in front of her in dizzy kaleidoscopes. She closed her eyes. The last time it had only lasted a few seconds. She would just have to wait it out.

  ‘One, two, three, four,’ she said out loud, the sound of her own voice comforting.

  ‘Five, six, seven, eight . . .’ How could she get home when she couldn’t see?

  ‘Nine, ten.’ She opened her eyes. The spinning black dots were still there. A sob rose in her throat. She looked all around her. All she could dimly see were the yellow spheres of the streetlights above her. Keeping her fingers on the wall, she took a step forward, letting the brick graze her fingertips. She stared upwards, following the lights in front of her. There were intersections between here and home; she’d have to walk blindly across the road.

  If only she had brought her phone with her, then she could call for help. But who could she call? I can do this by myself, she thought, taking another step forward, then another. Her foot skidded on some gravel and she fell. She hastily pulled herself off the ground, her elbow humming with pain where it had impacted. Her throat constricted even more; she was about to burst into tears. Great, that’s all she needed. Not only was she blind and stumbling, but she was about to start crying. She took another step, looking up at the streetlights for guidance. Then she saw some other lights through the swarm of black dots in front of her; they were red and blue.

  The video store. Fabian worked there, she remembered. She knew that she was meant to hate him and that he’d been disappointed when he’d realised it was her. But in that moment, it didn’t matter. In that moment, he was no longer the gangly awkward boy at school that she never spoke to. He was someone who knew her, someone who had been there for her without ever seeing her face. In that moment, she trusted him. Tessie stumbled towards the blue-and-red lights, half-running, tears starting to trickle down her face. The wind smashing against her, trying to push her back. The lights got closer, so she reached out and felt the cold glass in front of her. She slid her hands around, trying to find the door, but she couldn’t. Banging helplessly on the glass, she hoped that it was him working that night. There was a squeak, then warm air.

  ‘Tess? Are you okay?’

  Just like that, her vision cleared and she could see Fabian’s worried face. She wasn’t sure if it was the relief of seeing him, or just seeing at all, but all of a sudden she started to sob.

  ‘Come inside,’ Fabian said. Tessie didn’t respond; she just stood in the doorway, sobbing. Her whole body was shaking and she kept rubbing her hands over her eyes again and again. It was freezing cold outside, and she was only wearing a singlet and running shorts. He must think she was insane. So weird and crazy. Her stomach started to clench. He touched her arm softly.

  ‘Come on,’ he said and pulled her gently through the door into the warm air of the video store. Tessie looked around, her eyes still feeling weirdly sensitive to the bright lights. Luckily, there was only one customer, right up near the back.

  The video store looked like it hadn’t been redecorated since the eighties. Everything was bright yellow, pink or black. There were posters covering the walls proclaiming cheap deals if you rented two overnights and six weeklies, which seemed a ludicrous proposition. Who had that much time? Three small television sets played an eighties-looking movie, but the sound was barely loud enough to hear. There were bargain bins overflowing with one-dollar video cassettes, a fridge full of choc tops and a whole section of sweet-and-salty popcorn.

  ‘Sit down here,’ Fabian said, and he guided her towards his seat behind the counter.

  ‘I’m . . . so . . . sorry,’ she gasped in between sobs. This was so embarrassing. She started feeling the heat rise up in her forehead again. The familiar feeling of encroaching panic. What had she been thinking? She had to get out of here. If only she could stop crying.

  ‘It’s fine! Just breathe, okay?’

  The customer walked swiftly out the door, giving Fabian an uncomfortable nod as he passed. Tessie took some deep, even breaths. She had to get a hold of herself.

  ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be bothering you at work.’ She tried to keep her voice from shaking. ‘I’m fine now, I’ll go.’

  ‘Tessie, you’d be doing me a favour if you stayed. Hardly anyone comes in here anymore, anyway.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yeah, I think it’s going to go out of business pretty soon. No one rents movies now there’s Netflix.’

  ‘That sucks.’

  He shrugged.

  ‘You must think I’m the biggest freak.’ The words escaped her without her planning to say them.

  ‘No. I’ve wanted to cry all day.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yeah. Everything with, you know, the message board. It was unbelievable. So strange. I never thought I’d know you guys in real life. It hadn’t even occurred to me.’

  She looked at her knees, which were flushed from the sudden change in temperature. She tried to focus on her breathing, even though she could feel how tense all her muscles were. They were quivering, waiting to spring up and propel her out the door. But she didn’t want to do that. She wanted to hear what Fabian had to say about it all.

  ‘But listen, I only got upset because it was Michael. Emma seems okay, and I’ve always thought you were really nice. It’s cool to know you guys are going through the same stuff I am.’ Tessie looked up at him and, turning his head away, he said, ‘I wasn’t disappointed it was you is what I’m trying to say.’

  Tessie felt a smile creeping up. Putting a hand to her stomach, she realised she didn’t feel like vomiting. Her muscles had loosened a little. She didn’t feel like running away anymore. But still, her hand was shaking as she reached up to wipe at her forehead.

  Fabian noticed. He pushed himself up to sit on the counter and pulled a chocolate bar from the stand.

  ‘Here,’ he tossed it to her, ‘this will help make you feel better.’

  ‘Thanks,’ she said, ripping the packet open. She pulled out one of the chocolate fingers and took a bite, then offered him the other one. He accepted it, and for some reason, that made her feel so happy. The chocolate was so sweet against her tongue, the caramel soft and squishy.

  ‘I can’t believe it was Michael,’ he said, biting into his own piece.

  ‘I know. Do you think it was all some kind of joke?’

  He slowly shook his head. ‘Honestly, I have no idea. I guess it’s the most likely. It’s like the guy is evil.’

  She was about to agree with him, when she remembered the way Michael had looked at her that afternoon. That fragility in his eyes, like somehow all he wanted was for her to be his friend. But maybe she’d misread it.

  ‘So, do you think what he said was true? About what he heard his dad say?’ she asked.

  ‘I doubt it. I mean, it doesn’t make any sense.’ He took another bite of his chocolate bar.

  She considered for a moment, trying to force herself to focus only on the problem in front of them, not on her heart or her stomach or anything else. Definitely not on the fact that she seemed to be going prematurely blind. She knew her body was out of her control, but she hadn’t realised it was even possible for
it to get quite that bad.

  Tessie reeled herself back in, focused on what was actually going on in the here and now.

  ‘I still want to know,’ she said, ‘despite everything that’s happened with the group. I feel like I can’t keep going on if I don’t know for sure if my parents are my parents.’

  ‘Yeah,’ he said, ‘it’s like, either way is fine. If they are or they aren’t, I just want the truth.’

  She grinned at him, and slowly he smiled back. Neither of them needed to say it: it was like they were on the message board. Back when they’d felt like they were seeing inside each other’s brains. He took another bite.

  ‘You know, they are probably going out of business ’cause you keep eating all the stock,’ she teased.

  He stopped chewing, his mouth full of chocolate, looking at her like he wasn’t sure if she meant it. Then she laughed, a real laugh, and he laughed and things didn’t feel quite so bad.

  ‘So, what are you watching?’ she asked.

  CHAPTER 9

  EMMA

  ‘He’s looking at you again,’ Rain whispered.

  ‘He’s not,’ Emma hissed. ‘Stop it.’

  Emma nudged Rain in the ribs and stared determinedly down at the article in front of her. They were in their society and culture class and were meant to be doing work for the assignment that was due at the end of the week, but Rain kept interrupting her. She tried to focus on the article, which was about Russian spies called ‘sleeper agents’, but she knew Rain was right. She could feel the weight of his eyes watching her. Her head snapped up. Michael quickly averted his gaze.

  ‘Told you,’ whispered Rain.

  Emma ignored her.

  ‘I was joking the other day when I said he liked you, but now I reckon he does. The way he looks at you, it’s so intense.’ She began sniggering. ‘Didn’t think he was capable of fancying anyone apart from himself.’

  ‘Shut up,’ Emma whispered.

  Society and culture was their last class of the day, and Emma was just trying to get through it. She didn’t have the energy to think about Michael’s weird looks or Rain’s snarky comments, or even schoolwork, really. She thought she’d reached her limit. Everything that had happened in the last week had been so overwhelming, so disheartening. She’d been sure things were as bad as they could get. But then, two days ago now, that weird thing with her hearing had happened. It was all she could think about. She was terrified it would happen again, at any moment. It was something she should go to a doctor about, she knew that, or at the very least tell her parents. But the same thing kept bouncing around in her head. It was probably hereditary. One of those diseases that were passed down in a family. If she knew who her real parents were, then she’d get answers. But it didn’t seem like that was ever going to happen.

  Emma looked down at the article on her desk again. Now, she wished she’d picked something else. First, she’d thought it sounded interesting. The spies had been born in Russia and brainwashed when they were little kids, but then they’d spent the rest of their lives in America. They had American accents and had husbands or wives and kids and stuff, but really they were just waiting. She was pretty sure they were waiting until they got a secret mission, and then they’d spy on people in the area or assassinate someone or something. It was all a bit too complicated. She couldn’t concentrate. So she just fidgeted and stared at the words without reading them, and tried to ignore Michael’s stares and Rain’s snickers until, finally, the bell rang. She jumped up from her chair and began putting her stuff away.

  ‘Are you still coming over after school?’ Rain asked.

  Emma didn’t really want to. But at the same time, she wanted to go home even less.

  ‘Yeah, sure,’ she said and swung her bag onto her back.

  She followed Rain out into the hallway. Passing Michael, she deliberately caught his eye.

  Stop it, she mouthed at him and gave him the dirtiest look she could muster. He was obviously trying to make her feel uncomfortable, and of course it was working. He always knew how to get to her.

  Emma and Rain walked down to the school gate to meet up with River, with Rain teasing her about Michael the whole way. Emma was barely listening. Instead, she was looking up at the trees. The leaves were totally gone now, leaving just skeletal twiggy branches reaching out into the white sky. She didn’t know how she’d missed that; she was sure that just yesterday they’d been filled with orange and yellow leaves.

  ‘Imagine if you and Michael started dating. Sorry, but that would be completely disgusting.’

  ‘Agreed.’

  ‘I’d think you’d lost your mind.’

  ‘Who’s losing their mind?’ River asked as he approached.

  ‘Emma. You know, Michael is totally into her?’

  ‘He’s not!’ Emma was starting to get really irritated now.

  ‘He was making googly eyes at her the whole way through class.’

  ‘Can we drop it?’ Emma snapped. She couldn’t help it. Rain just had no idea at all what she was talking about.

  ‘Sorry!’ Rain said, rolling her eyes. ‘God, you’ve really had something up your bum lately, Emma.’

  ‘Have I?’ Emma replied, looking at River for an answer, but he just shrugged.

  ‘I dunno. Come on, let’s go.’

  They started walking, but as they turned, she heard River mutter into Rain’s ear, ‘I think the lady doth protest too much!’

  Rain laughed, and Emma started thinking of some kind of excuse that would get her out of having to go to their place without turning it all into a big deal. She walked half a step behind them as they made their way towards town, pretending to be doing something on her phone, but really she was just staring at her home screen.

  ‘What do you reckon?’ River began, turning towards her. ‘Should we buy some junk food, Netflix a really brutal horror movie?’

  ‘Sure,’ Emma said. At the very least it sounded like a good distraction.

  ‘Hey, I think you’ve got another admirer,’ Rain said quietly. Emma followed her gaze. Sam was approaching them, smiling.

  ‘Emma?’

  ‘Hi,’ she said, feeling embarrassed but not sure why. ‘How are you going?’

  ‘Good. Look at this, already bumping into each other again. Just like we planned.’ He smiled broadly at her. Behind her, she heard Rain laugh.

  ‘Huh?’ Then she remembered what they’d said to each other on the message board. ‘Oh yeah, yeah, of course. What are you up to?’

  ‘Nothing, really. Just hanging out.’

  ‘Cool,’ she said, then realised that she was being rude. ‘These are my friends, Rain and River. This is Sam.’

  ‘Hi,’ they said. Sam looked at them for half a second and then looked back to Emma.

  ‘Do you want to hang out for a bit?’

  ‘Oh yeah, okay, sure.’ Her heart was hammering now; this was the most alive she’d felt all day. She turned back to her friends. ‘If you guys don’t mind me bailing?’

  ‘Nah, go for it,’ Rain said, wriggling her eyebrows.

  ‘He’s cute,’ River whispered.

  She rolled her eyes at him. ‘See you guys at school tomorrow.’

  ‘See ya.’ Rain wriggled her eyebrows again.

  She was happy to walk shoulder to shoulder with Sam, leaving Rain and River behind. In some ways, it felt like he understood her better already than they ever had. In other ways, it was like he was a complete stranger — his height, his pale skin, his wide shoulders. He looked different from everyone else at school.

  ‘It’s nice today,’ he said. ‘I like it when the sun is out.’

  ‘Yeah, me too.’ Were they really talking about the weather?

  ‘It’s different up here.’

  ‘Yeah, I guess. The higher up the mountain you get, the colder. Are you missing home?’

  He turned to her, his face serious for a moment, then a smile cracked through. ‘’Course I am. But it’s also interesting to see something diffe
rent.’

  ‘Aren’t your parents pissed about you missing school?’

  ‘I’m not, really. I did school at home, I mean. My home life is kind of different from the rest of you guys.’

  ‘In what way?’

  ‘Well, I live in a really big place with lots of people. I guess it’s sort of like a commune?’

  Emma turned to look at him. ‘That’s so cool!’

  ‘I guess,’ was all he said.

  Emma desperately wanted to know more, but didn’t want to be too pushy. ‘So, how does it work?’ she asked. ‘Are there other kids, or just adults?’

  ‘There are other kids, but I was always kind of separate from them. I mostly hung out with the adults. I was sort of raised by everyone.’

  ‘But you had a mum, right? Or, I guess, someone who acted as your mum before you figured out the truth.’

  ‘Yeah, Ash.’

  ‘As in, Ashleigh?’

  ‘Yeah. She’s amazing, honestly the best woman you could ever meet. She’s so intelligent, but gentle and caring too. I wish she was my real mum.’

  ‘I know what you mean. It would definitely make things a lot easier. But aren’t you angry at her for lying?’

  ‘Not really. I always knew I was different, I think.’

  ‘How did you know?’

  ‘It’s kind of obvious. I don’t look anything like her.’

  Emma nodded and they kept walking in silence. She wasn’t sure if it would have been better that way. To have known all along, known that she was different and her mum was lying. It would have meant she wouldn’t have had that awful feeling, like the rug of her life had been pulled out from under her. But then, it would have made her a different person. Growing up and knowing you were being lied to must have been tough. Emma realised that they were approaching the memorial. When they reached it, she paused and ran her finger down the names, feeling the engravings under her skin. She stopped when she got to his: Damon Stroud.