Silent Song

by Lucilla Andrews

‘Nor yours. Just ‒ the English cousin. Small world,’ I added tritely.

  ‘Isn’t it.’ There was a pause. ‘When we ‒ er ‒ last met did I tell you I’d qualified at Benedict’s? Or has Alistair?’

  That surprised me into looking at him properly for the first time since that double-take. He looked different without the tan and bleached streaks in his hair, and a little older. Not different enough. He had the same watchful eyes, long mouth with upturned corners, mannerism of slightly uptilting his square chin, and I could still see that straw hat tipped forward. ‘Alistair didn’t say what you did. I don’t think you told me. I thought you were an artist.’

  ‘That’s only a hobby. I’ve nothing like enough talent to make a living with it as Alistair with writing. I’m in surgery. You’re still at Martha’s.’

  It wasn’t a question so I assumed he had just heard.

  ‘Yes. You’re in Benedict’s?’

  ‘Not now.’ He took his time and I suddenly recalled this had been another mannerism. He had never let himself be hurried into words or let anyone hurry me into speech or decisions. ‘I’m doing a type of post-grad that I hope’ll lead to a job I’d like up here later this year. With Roseburn.’

  My head jerked up. ‘Our Heart-Lung?’

  He met my eyes calmly. ‘Since early November.’

  ‘Since then?’ My voice was sharper than I wished. ‘Why haven’t I seen you? Only two floors up.’

  ‘I’ve passed you a couple of times. You didn’t notice. Who notices the hundreds of itinerant white coats in any large hospital unless looking for a specific face?’ He had a deep, clipped, very impersonal and very English voice. ‘I didn’t stop to re-introduce myself then and wouldn’t have done so now, had circumstances not pressured us. I didn’t think it a good idea ‒ just a moment, please ‒’ I had been about to make the protest demanded by common courtesy and gratitude. ‘As this has come up, let’s clear it up.’ But he needed more time off for thought. ‘I didn’t think it a good idea, because I do know from personal experience that once one’s hit hell, later it’s almost impossible to disassociate from it anyone remotely connected with the experience. Think of the patients. Isn’t it a rare patient who honestly enjoys meeting later anyone who saw him through the Dangerously Ill List no matter how genuinely grateful he may be?’

  ‘That’s true.’ I forgot the party, the music, that we were dancing. ‘Personal ‒?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Before ‒ me?’

  ‘Yes. My basic course wasn’t identical to yours, as I’m not married. There were some similarities.’

  I needed time. ‘This sounds so inadequate, but I’m very sorry.’

  ‘Thanks.’ He was brisk. ‘All over long ago. Do you mind me asking ‒ did you tell Alistair you’d spotted me?’

  I had to look away. ‘No ‒ er ‒ sorry ‒’

  ‘I’m very glad you didn’t. Personally, I feel strongly that the only way to deal with the past is to leave it where it belongs, in the past.’ He admitted strong feelings, but could have been discussing the weather. ‘Up to you, of course, but it would suit me to keep all this there.’

  Through looking away I saw the glances I was getting from his girl as she danced by with Hamish. Had she been Dave and I told him the whole truth, he wouldn’t have believed it. ‘Don’t think I blame either of you, darling, five ghastly days for you both, the nights must’ve been worse, and being both alone ‒ hell ‒ what else could the poor guy do?’ Dave might not have blamed us, but he would never have forgotten, nor let me. I could hardly blame Ruth Hawkins if she shared with Dave and the majority of the human race the conviction that no close relationship was viable between a man and woman that didn’t automatically involve their sleeping together whatever the circumstances.

  ‘Not even Alistair?’

  ‘As I’ve said, up to you. I’ve never mentioned that particular time in Spain to him ‒ no occasion to ‒ but if you feel it’s rather absurd to pretend we haven’t run into each other previously, tell him and anyone else by all means.’

  All I really felt was that if we didn’t get off the subject I’d burst into tears. ‘No. I barely know your cousin and loathe burdening new acquaintances with old history.’ I smiled tautly. ‘You and I, both.’

  ‘Right. We’ll leave it there.’

  ‘There’s something I must tell you first.’ I told him of that letter. ‘I’m sorry you didn’t get it as I never thanked you properly ‒’

  ‘You did at the airport. Know Edinburgh well?’

  Five days, I thought. Yes. Five days in the hotel and on the sixth he drove with me to the airport. ‘No.’

  ‘Your first visit?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I drive up here quite often. We were very lucky yesterday as we got away just before the blizzard started and kept ahead of it to the Midlands. From then on, clear roads.’

  He was still on road conditions when our dance ended, Alistair and Elspeth joined us, and for the rest of the night our quartet became a sextet. I noticed absently that Ruth Hawkins seemed to enjoy this as little as myself, and George Farler said very little and looked slightly bored. ‘The signs,’ said Alistair when we danced, ‘of an Englishman having himself a ball. I’m sorry I forgot to tell you he’s temporarily at Martha’s. You’ve not met him there?’

  ‘Never. It’s a very big hospital. Literally thousands on the combined staff if you throw in students and post-grads.’

  ‘So Hamish was saying just now.’ He kissed my hair as Ruth and George danced by. ‘Tell me about this man Roseburn everyone’s discussing. Does he transplant hearts?’

  ‘No! Mends ’em. Brilliantly.’

  ‘So?’ He held me a little away and from his thoughtful expression I expected a more detailed query on heart-lung surgery. ‘I’m glad you’ve come into my life, Anne,’ was all he said and as if I’d come to stay and he knew it.

  The morning air was icy and just getting light when I woke after three hours sleep. I didn’t move. The flat was silent and when we got back at six, as the twins were staying with their grandparents until after lunch, we had agreed to sleep till we woke. I had spent about an hour trying to keep George Farler and Spain ‒ and I couldn’t think of one without the other ‒ out of my mental run-through on last night, when Elspeth put her head round the door then came in with tea.

  ‘Hamish is still flat out. Why haven’t you put the fire on?’

  She lit the gas, wrapped herself in a rug, and settled in the armchair for a long post-mortem on both parties. ‘Isn’t this just like old times, Anne?’ she kept saying.

  Being fond of her I smiled and let it go.

  Ruth Hawkins fascinated her. ‘Those looks, Membership, and Hamish says one of the best medical brains he’s come across. And that nice quiet man. Talk about having it made! Pity she looks so sulky.’

  ‘Does she always?’

  ‘Hamish says not when she’s working. He says she can be most amusing. We were most interested to meet her man, having gathered there was some great attraction in London. She’s always going south. I imagine they’ll marry when he works up here.’

  ‘Probably.’

  ‘They’re not officially engaged. Hamish asked her since she was wearing so many rings he couldn’t tell. She said she regards formal engagements as a waste of time.’

  ‘Some do.’

  ‘We liked her choice. Of course, he’s only half-English. His mother was a Mackenzie and twin with Alistair’s mother. His father came from Kent, a Professor of English Lit somewhere ‒ their home was in Kent and Alistair used to spend holidays with them when his parents were abroad. His parental home’s in Fort William ‒’ she ticked the items off on her fingers ‒ ‘and at present his parents are visiting Cameron relations in Florida. Both cousins are only children.’

  ‘And what,’ I asked, ‘is the name of the Camerons’ cat? And who is looking after it in Fort William whilst they’re in Florida?’

  ‘Someone, my dear, has to do the homewor
k. I’d more than one nice little chat with him. Do tell me ‒ do you fancy him? There’s no doubt he fancies you.’

  ‘On a good New Year’s Eve, Elspeth, everyone fancies everyone.’

  ‘Not always.’ She was firm. ‘I wouldn’t have said Alistair fancied Ruth Hawkins or vice versa. Would you?’

  ‘Quite honestly, I didn’t notice.’

  ‘Hamish and I did. And Hamish agreed with me that Alistair seemed very taken with you. More to it than Hogmanay were Hamish’s words. You’ll see we’re right.’

  ‘Maybe.’ I steered the conversation to the twins and as I hoped it stayed there till Hamish woke up and we had brunch.

  Alistair called over during tea to see if we had survived the night and stayed for the evening. By supper Elspeth was working on our wedding plans. She had been rather worried by the amount of time Alistair spent flying round the world covering disasters for his paper, until he played trains with the twins. ‘Good with children,’ she informed me privately in the kitchen. ‘Children don’t mind Daddy being away at work if they know he loves them. Yours’ll be all right.’

  I sliced a melon. ‘How many are we to have? And should I tell him, or will you?’

  ‘Anne! I’m serious about him.’

  I put down the knife. ‘You want me to break it to Hamish?’

  She smiled reluctantly. ‘You’re being impossible!’

  ‘Sorry about that. Am I cutting this thin enough?’

  Elspeth was a determined girl. Before Alistair left she took him to see the sleeping twins. They were an enchanting chubby sandy-haired pair and asleep looked angelic.

  Alistair followed her from their room looking grave. ‘I’m not saying you don’t deserve this, Hamish, but, man, your cup runneth over.’

  ‘And I know it. I know it.’

  Hamish went down to see Alistair out. Elspeth joyfully shook up cushions. ‘Don’t tell me that’s not a man with marriage on his mind!’

  ‘Certainly a man with something on his mind.’

  ‘You can say that again!’

  I didn’t, as we weren’t talking the same language. I had now decided I liked Alistair enough to want to know him better and sensed that was precisely how he felt about me. I wasn’t sure I sensed correctly, as I didn’t find him easy to understand, or place. Unlike some ultra-good-looking men, he was dead sexy and liked women. He was thirty-one, and earning pretty good money, yet still single. I didn’t think that was from choice any more than I thought I had become his new choice, despite the impression he had been giving the Grants since we met. Yet to me alone he had said nothing he couldn’t have repeated in front of them. Whether that was intentional, or because of his astonishingly impeccable manners, I hadn’t any idea. I had never come across a man in his age group with such way-out manners and for a while had thought them a pose. I already knew I had been wrong there. His good manners had been so ingrained that they had become as natural to him as the lilt in his voice and his elegant air. In a thick tweed suit he looked as smooth as last night and as slightly unreal as people often do when genuinely trying to enjoy themselves despite a nagging mental problem. It seemed highly probable his problem was a woman, but as I could only guess at this I didn’t feel justified in saying as much to Elspeth. If I had I was certain it would only evoke a lecture on his being ripe for a rebound. Possibly he was, but that wasn’t a gap I cared to fill ‒ or with Alistair thought I could.

  He puzzled me more next day. Elspeth had asked him to lunch and he arrived with two bottles of champagne. He said he was a refugee from medical shop over the road and understood Anne had a weakness for fancy wallop.

  Hamish winked at me. ‘You must stay with us more often, Anne. Not a word, mind, of your or my occupation. So you’ve told him about your flight up?’

  I shook my head as Elspeth said she had.

  ‘Why,’ said Alistair, ‘don’t I have that kind of luck in the air? If I don’t get the stout lady who gives me every detail of her operation, I’ve a drunken business rep sleeping it off on my shoulder. Last time back from New York I’d one each side and both demanding I wake them to see the dawn come up. Between keeping awake to wake them and keeping them both out of my lap, I’d a wee problem.’

  ‘And did you see the dawn?’ I asked.

  He nodded. ‘Have you flown the Atlantic at night?’

  ‘Neither night nor day. What was it like?’

  ‘It came up, not like thunder, but very gently, as a thin red strip right across the black sky. You must see it some time, Anne.’

  ‘Some time, I hope I will.’

  Hamish had the cork off. Elspeth chased after him with a glass. ‘Why don’t we drink to that?’

  Alistair coloured faintly. ‘If you’ll forgive me, Elspeth ‒ to our hostess first.’

  I smiled. ‘Just what I was going to say, Alistair.’

  Elspeth stood on my foot.

  It had turned much colder and the sky was heavy with threatened snow. There were no papers that day as it was a holiday in Scotland and none of us had bothered to listen to a weather forecast when Sister Cardiac rang me after lunch. ‘Anne, I’m very sorry to do this, but can you possibly be on by one tomorrow afternoon? Janet Anstey can’t come back from holiday today as her mother’s ill and as Coronary Care’s filled up with D.I.L.s I’ve no-one senior enough to fill the gap. Have you heard the weather news? The blizzard’s due back in the small hours. Any hope?’

  ‘I’m not sure how. I’ll get back.’

  I knew the Grants would understand. Alistair’s reaction made a refreshing change from the usual lay view on any employee’s right to uninterrupted rest days. I had forgotten his job.

  ‘Pity, but a deadline’s a deadline.’ Hamish had vanished to ring the airline and British Rail. ‘If you’ll excuse me, Elspeth, I’ll away to work on another angle in case the best Hamish can produce is a seat in a train corridor.’

  ‘How?’ I queried.

  ‘Och, just a wee string worth pulling.’

  ‘Where?’

  ‘Never expect a journalist to divulge his sources! Back just now!’

  Elspeth and I sat down again. ‘Men’, she said, ‘love bustling to over travel plans.’

  ‘God bless ’em as I don’t. I’ve never understood maps or time tables. Luckily, there’s always someone one can ask.’

  ‘Hamish would rather drive fifty miles in the wrong direction than ask the way.’

  ‘And Dave ‒’ I saw her expression and added quickly ‒ ‘and every man I’ve ever met. I think they take having to ask as a slur on their virility.’

  ‘I expect so. Anne. You will remember Alistair’s virility when he dates you in London ‒ as I know he will.’

  ‘Don’t worry, dear. Every time we get lost, I’ll ask the way!’

  She sighed heavily. ‘You have changed. More than I thought. You used to be so serious-minded.’

  I didn’t explain there was nothing like real grief for teaching one to laugh at trivia as again we were speaking different languages. I was sorry as we had been great friends and I remained very fond of her. I knew I had changed.

  She hadn’t, and that was the rub between us. I apologized for playing the fool, promised to remember all she had said about Alistair, then asked what she thought I should wear for my return journey and felt horribly guilty and saddened when she told me in great detail, and very kindly.

  Hamish’s return was a relief, but not his news. All flights were booked solid. ‘You’re third on the list for cancellations. Now, trains. Lots of extra running, no seats, but ‒’ The front-door bell was ringing. ‘That’ll be Alistair with what we must regretfully accept as good news. You’ll get it, Elspeth?’

  I said, ‘Could be the reverse.’

  ‘Ach, no! No man as keen to impress a girl as he is would rush back to admit defeat. Victory’s different.’

  Elspeth smiled serenely. ‘What did I say?’

  It was Alistair, with Ruth Hawkins and George Farler. ‘George,’ said Alistair, �
�will run you down. He’s to be back in Martha’s by five tomorrow evening and after hearing the news we missed at one, decided to leave this evening.’

  ‘It’s not’, began George, ‘too good ‒’

  ‘Come now, man, don’t exaggerate. All we’re expecting is the blizzard that’s been devastating Europe.’ Alistair flung out his arms like a Latin. ‘It’s not due to reach the south-east of England before midnight and as it’s only being helped along by a Force 9 gale, it’ll not reach Scotland before the early hours of tomorrow, if the weathermen have their sums right this time.’

  George’s left eyebrow twitched. ‘If you’d care for a lift, Anne ‒ I think we should push off fairly soon. Four?’

  I had to say that would be splendid, thank you. All but Ruth agreed. She watched Alistair and myself with such antipathy I was tempted to take her aside and explain her dislike of the proposition was only surpassed by George’s and mine. Alistair had obviously twisted his arm and in the circumstances he was lumbered. ‘So convenient,’ said Hamish, ‘as you’re both bound for Martha’s.’

  ‘Quite,’ said George politely. ‘Long drive. I’ll be glad of Anne’s company.’

  ‘Well, thanks.’ I smiled at Alistair. ‘And for fixing this up.’

  He bowed. ‘I’m only sorry I can’t take you myself.’

  In street after street the tall cramped buildings turned black and the icy air made gold circles round the orange street lamps. The layer of frost on the post-boxes was as thick as the snow on the fading curves of the Pentlands. Outside the city by four-thirty it was dark as a moonless midnight and the traffic was sparse. There was no snow on the road to Jedburgh, but the banks and fields were streaked with frozen patches and the headlights caught the ice-encased bare branches of trees pointing ghostly fingers at the black sky.

  George broke our silence since Edinburgh. ‘ “When snow doth lay, more on the way.” ’

  I blinked as the sun hurt my eyes. ‘That Scottish?’

  ‘Not as far as I know. Kent. My home county. Know it?’

  ‘Only from the boat train to Dover. What part are you from?’

  ‘Edge of the Romney Marsh. You won’t have heard of the village. No-one north of the Medway ever has, though it’s in Domesday.’ He named it. ‘Have you?’