Everything But

by Jade C. Jamison

  He looked over at her other wrist and saw similar marks around it too. He brought the wrist in his hand up to his lips and kissed it. “God, Erin. Sorry that hurt you.”

  She didn’t say anything. Aw. She must’ve fallen asleep. He rested his head back, ready to snooze for a while. He felt like she was a vampire who’d drained all the life out of him. So he’d make it up to her later. Maybe he could take her out to dinner, but he’d rub her wrists with some essential oils or something later. He was assuming she had shit like that around. But he’d do something.

  He’d almost dozed off, wondering how the hell this girl had gotten under his skin, when the CD switched over and he heard the familiar chords of J. C. Gibson’s guitar, the opening to “Tormented,” the first song on Spawn’s first CD. Now why the hell would Erin have put that in her player? Well, she’d said she was a fan. Now, there was no doubting it. But he fucking hated hearing himself. So, even though all he wanted to do was collapse, he dragged his ass off her bed and forced himself down the hallway to stop the CD from playing. It gave him an excuse to toss the used condom in the trash in the bathroom, which he discovered was the other door in the hallway.

  Oh, yeah…that really had taken it all out of him. He felt so good right now, so sleepy, so…happy. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt that foreign emotion. He was in a bit of a haze as he stumbled into the living room. He walked across to the bookshelf where her CD player was and pressed the button to turn it off. God. Not only did he not like hearing himself, he really hated hearing his earlier stuff. His voice on Spawn’s first album still hadn’t fully matured. No one else could hear it the way he did, but there were spots in a few songs where he just cringed. By the time they’d recorded their first album, he had his scream down, his growl perfected, and had established a wide range, but—in his opinion—he hadn’t reached his prime. Still, the album had garnered the attention of metal fans and the rest was history.

  Better. He saw his glass on the coffee table and finished the last few swallows of water. He hoped Erin would be okay with sleeping for a few hours, and then he’d love to take her out.

  God…that was a dangerous feeling too. Which one? That one…the one he refused to name or even recognize.

  He clenched his jaw and told himself to just enjoy the moment, no matter what happened. He hadn’t even known this girl for forty-eight hours. Any deep feelings he might think he was experiencing could be accounted for by the endorphins and probably also the fact that he couldn’t remember the last time he’d actually gotten to know a little about the girl he was banging.

  Yeah, dumbass, and there was a reason for that. It was to stop emotions from entering the picture at all.

  He inhaled a deep breath, walking back down the hall to Erin’s bedroom. He didn’t give a fuck what he was thinking. He was going to hold her close and sleep until she woke him up. But when he walked in the bedroom doorway, she was sitting up. He couldn’t help the grin that spread over his face. “So, you survived.”

  She looked pissed. Why did she look so mad? “Barely.”

  Riley slowed his walk and tried to read her face. “You okay?”

  Her voice was low, almost guttural. “I told you to stop.”

  He shook his head. “Come again?”

  “You told me I could trust you, and I kept telling you to stop, Riley. Why didn’t you stop?”

  It sunk in. He finished walking to the bed and sat down on it next to her, hoping to reassure her. “Oh, God.” He shook his head again and felt his eyebrows jump up his forehead. He was not awake enough for this. “Didn’t you like it?”

  She clenched her jaw. “You’re missing the point. I begged you to stop. More than once. And you wouldn’t. Why didn’t you?”

  He rubbed his hand over his forehead. Fuck. Why the hell hadn’t she used the safeword? They’d had this conversation, and last he knew she was going to say security if she couldn’t handle it anymore. “Shit, Erin. I’m sorry. Why didn’t you use the safeword?”

  “What safeword?”

  God, was he that big a shit? “The safeword you picked, Erin.”

  She looked tired, but she stood up. God, she really was a sight to behold. But she was beyond angry. “We didn’t have a safeword, Riley, so you know what that means? That means stop means stop!”

  “Didn’t we? You said your safeword was gonna be security. Don’t you remember that?”

  “I didn’t pick that. I was throwing it out there as an example. We didn’t finish our conversation!” He looked down, trying to remember what they’d talked about. Jesus…had he misunderstood it that much? He could’ve sworn she’d settled on that word. How the fuck did he miss that? He closed his eyes and ran his tongue along the back of his top teeth, processing it. No wonder she was so pissed. She marched over to him and he stood up, preparing himself for her to start pummeling him with her fists. And he was going to stand there and take it. He deserved it. And then he could beg her for forgiveness. Instead, she stopped at the foot of the bed and bent over, picking up his underwear. She threw them at his chest and said, “Get the fuck out of here.”

  He hadn’t expected that. “Oh, come on, Erin. Can’t we talk about this?”

  Her teeth were clenched but she spoke through them anyway. “No. We should’ve talked about it earlier, when at least one of us knew what was going on. You lost your chance.” That didn’t feel fair, but how could he argue with it? She took a deep breath. “Now will you kindly get the fuck out of my apartment?”

  If he stayed, he knew he’d only make it worse. She needed to cool off. And he saw her wrists again, upping the guilt he felt. She was right, and he had it coming. So he nodded and picked his underwear up off the floor, and stepping into them. She walked over to her closet and pulled out a light cotton flowery robe and slid it up her arms to cover herself. That was a shame, because she was a vision of beauty.

  And with that thought in mind, he hadn’t realized he’d been frozen in place, just staring at her. She marched over to him and pushed on his chest. He could tell she had little strength left. “Go.”

  His eyes were clouded with emotion, and he didn’t dare trust himself to talk. He wanted to wrap his arms around her, hold her close, ask her to forgive him. But he knew, just looking at her and feeling the waves of anger coming off her, that now was not the time. He inhaled a deep breath and nodded, turning towards the door.

  He got to the living room and there were all their pieces of clothing, his scattered around and on the couch, hers on the chair. He picked up his jeans and slid into them. She was right behind him and started scooping up Monopoly parts, starting with the green houses, and throwing them in the box. She picked up the money and all the different cards and arranged the box while he slipped his t-shirt back on. If it hadn’t been so tense, he might have laughed that she was putting everything where it went instead of just chucking it all haphazardly into the center of the box. He sat on the couch to put his socks and shoes on, feeling the maddening silence. The only sounds were creating by her furious efforts to get the Monopoly game together as quickly as possible. But she had it assembled by the time his second shoe was tied. He stood, really not wanting to go, but he felt in his pocket for his keys anyway.

  He looked over at her, his brows furrowed, wishing he could find the right words but knowing even the perfect words would fall on deaf ears right now. She still looked super pissed and he understood. Her jaw was still clamped when she thrust the Monopoly box at him. Words…any words at all… “Will you feel like talking tomorrow?”

  She didn’t miss a beat. “I have to work tomorrow.”

  He started walking toward the door. “Tomorrow night?”

  “I don’t know.” She stood beside the door and unlocked it. She turned the knob and pulled it open.

  He walked through but turned and asked, “So can I call you tomorrow?”

  She sighed. And there he saw a glimmer of hope as the mask of anger slipped for just a moment. Even her words weren�
�t as heated when she said, “You can try.” But she closed the door.

  He stood there for a few seconds, still hardly believing what had just happened. He’d gone from soaring high in the clouds to hitting rock bottom in short order. He considered knocking on her door, insisting they work it out, but he knew that was a stupid idea. So he started walking down the stairs toward his car. As he was approaching it, a twenty-something woman with dark hair in a miniskirt approached him. “You’re the rock star, Riley Schultz, right?”

  Jesus. He really wasn’t in the mood. Couldn’t even fuckin’ come home anymore. But he wasn’t gonna be a dick. He forced half a smile. “Yeah, that’s me.”

  “Oh, my God. It’s true then.”

  “What?”

  “Someone told me you were dating Erin Lancaster.”

  He squinted. “Well, you’ll have to ask her about that.” He had no idea what they were doing, but he wasn’t about to tell this girl that.

  She sauntered up to him, hands on her hips, her eyes undressing him from bottom to top. “I will.” She walked right up to him and placed a hand on his chest. Oh, yeah. He knew where this was going, because he’d lived it hundreds of times already. He just didn’t get it. But he was going to wait for it before telling her to hit the road. “In the meantime, sweetie, you want some hometown action, I’d be happy to do whatever you wanted.”

  Yep. There it was. Bad timing on this girl’s part really, although five years ago, he would’ve taken her up on it, probably even opened his car door for her and fucked her right there. “Thanks for the offer, uh…”

  “Jo.”

  “Thanks for the offer, Jo, but, yeah, I guess you could say Erin and I are dating.” Even if they weren’t. Erin was the reason he turned the girl down, because even when emotions weren’t invested, it was hard to say no when a girl just threw herself at you, no matter how used to it you got.

  “Oh, bummer,” she said, tracing her finger down his chest. “In case that doesn’t work out, I’m right there,” she said, pointing across the way, “A-3. I’d rock your world anytime.”

  He nodded and forced another smile. “I gotta be goin’,” he said, not worried about how graceful his exit was. He just had to get out of there.

  As he stepped in the car, she said again, “Change your mind, A-3…anytime.” She screwed up the side of her mouth in a sexy pout and slid her hand up her thigh as he turned on the engine and forced himself to look down at the gearshift, pulling it into reverse. He had to get out of there now, because he wasn’t going to do that. He’d done it before, drowning his sorrows in hundreds of women, and in the end, it just made him feel numb. No. There was still maybe a chance to resolve whatever was going on with Erin. He just had to give her time.

  Chapter Fourteen

  “SO WAS I right?” Jackie had asked her over the phone. Instead of answering, Erin had just begged her friend to come over.

  So when the doorbell started ringing, Erin was pretty sure that’s who was there. It was growing dark out, so she turned on the outdoor light and peeked through a slit in the door first before throwing it open wide. “So, girl, what the hell?”

  Erin invited Jackie into the kitchen for some hot tea and she told Jackie everything, from Friday night until that afternoon. Jackie looked at her wrists. “Are you gonna cover that with makeup tomorrow?”

  “Well, yeah, but I’m also going to wear that one blouse with the hyper-long sleeves.”

  “Oh, the brownish one? That’s a cute top.”

  “Yeah, and I’m going to try to avoid writing on the board tomorrow. I don’t want the sleeves sliding down and having kids ask me what happened.”

  Jackie nodded. “Good idea.”

  “So…are you gonna give him another chance?”

  Erin shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  “You really like him, don’t you?”

  “Yeah, I do, but I think he thinks who he is gives him a pass on a lot of shit I wouldn’t let slide with other guys.”

  “Well, then, you’re doing the right thing. He wants you, he needs to figure that out now.”

  “In the meantime, he left his wallet here. Oh, and his handcuffs.”

  “His wallet? Seriously?”

  “Yeah. I think it’s ‘cause he was in a hurry to grab a condom earlier and it fell on the floor, and then I was practically shoving his ass out the door.”

  “So what did he say about that anyway? Did he even care that he’d made you feel uncomfortable?”

  “Well, he said he was sorry, that he’d wanted to make me feel good. And…uh…I guess I inadvertently chose a safeword and didn’t even know it.”

  “Well, duh.”

  “Yeah, well, you forget, I’m the naïve schoolteacher from backwoods Colorado.”

  “Oh, stop that. You’re not naïve or stupid. Just because you’ve never engaged in stuff like that before doesn’t make you backwoods. Stop being so hard on yourself.”

  “I guess I’m just feeling guilty too.”

  “Guilty? Why?”

  “Well, I guess I should have clarified and not just acted like a deer in headlights. And you should have seen the look on his face before I laid into him. He looked so…peaceful.”

  Jackie rolled her eyes. “Well, of course he did. He had a hell of an orgasm, I’m sure.” She swallowed the rest of her tea. “So where’s this wallet?”

  “Oh, no.”

  “Oh, yes. That’s what he gets for leaving it behind.”

  “No way,” Erin said, but Jackie was already up and walking to the living room.

  Riley’s plain black leather wallet was now resting on the coffee table where Erin had put it when she found it. Jackie picked it up and unfolded it. “Ooooh. Lots of cash. Check it out.” She spread it open and leaned it toward Erin. Erin didn’t want to touch it or even count it, but Jackie leafed through it without taking it out. “At least three hundred here. A couple of credit cards too. He must trust you. Oh, and lookie here.” She pulled the wallet farther apart. “Two more condoms. You kicked him out too soon, sweetheart.” Erin shook her head, wishing Jackie would put it down already. She felt uncomfortable having her friend snoop through Riley’s personal stuff while she just stood by looking on. Jackie then turned the wallet. “Aw. What a cute driver’s license. Look at that picture! He lives in California.” She looked up. “So just how do you think this is gonna work out anyway?”

  Erin sighed and sat on the couch, exactly where Riley had been just a couple of hours earlier. Jackie set his wallet back down, much to her friend’s relief. Erin said, “I don’t.” Jackie raised her eyebrows. “After Colby and then Frank, I don’t intend to keep any guys around anymore. And he won’t be sticking around, so it’s perfect.”

  Jackie shook her head and sat next to Erin. Then she said, “So, you never said anything about how your orgasm was, girl. Aside from feeling like you were gonna lose your mind…?”

  Erin looked down at the coffee table. God, she didn’t even want to admit it, but there it was. “It was pretty wild.”

  “Would you do it again?”

  “Hell no.”

  “Never?”

  Erin thought about it. “Ask me in a few years.”

  “Would you fuck him again?”

  Erin sucked in a long breath and dug deep. “Yeah, I think I would. I think I really like him.”

  “What the hell am I gonna do with you? You take him back, you better make him grovel.” Erin shrugged. Jackie started laughing. “Better yet…you said he left his handcuffs here, right?” Erin nodded her head and smiled. “How evil are you feelin’?”

  * * *

  Hell, no. As badly as Riley had wanted a drink, he’d decided he wasn’t going there. That was twice now he’d had the craving in just one weekend. He hadn’t felt like that in a long time. So, once his mom and dad blazed for church again Sunday night, he got baked.

  He’d gone outside because he had a feeling his mom would be able to sniff it out even hours later. It was dark out and h
e just sat at the picnic table on the patio in the backyard and leaned back against the table, looking at the stars, smoking a little weed in the little brass pipe he’d had since he was a teenager. How his mom had never found it under the corner of the carpet in his closet, he’d never know. Smoking the pot gave him some time to think about the day’s activities, but all that did was leave him full of regret. He was glad the weed took the edge off, because that was the only way he was able to get any sleep that night.

  But because sleep didn’t come easily, he dozed late the next day. By the time he got up, his dad was already at work, but his mom was out front working on her flower bed.

  He couldn’t help it. He was feeling down and didn’t know how to fix the problem, but maybe another woman—even his mother—could give him some ideas. So he poured a glass of water and went outside. His mom was weeding around the beds in front of the house, so Riley sat in one of the chairs on the porch, just in front of her. “Hey, mom.”

  “How did you sleep?”

  “Pretty good.” Well, that was a lie; he’d been able to sleep some, but what he said next was the truth. “I usually do sleep well coming home.”

  His mother adjusted her straw hat so she could see him better and sat up, her rump resting on her calves. “Good. I just wished you would come home more often.”

  He winced. He’d made sure to be here right now because his brother Brian was going to be there later in the week. Riley visited three times a year tops, and he was lucky to be there a week at a time. It wasn’t that he didn’t love his parents, but he was nothing like them anymore. They had little in common. But, he supposed, that was where unconditional love came into play. “I know, mom. I just stay pretty busy.”

  His mother scrutinized him. “I know you do, and I’m glad that nowadays your busyness doesn’t mean you’re involved in illicit activities.” She was talking about his conquered heroin addiction and two unrelated arrests that had led to community service and restitution back when he was young and hot headed. Damn good thing she didn’t know about the pot. “But now that you’re financially stable, don’t you think you could come home just a little more often?”