From The Moment I Saw Him ....

by MacDonald, Catherine

We exclaimed, and embraced. She told me that she had recently returned from a long stint in Europe, and a boyfriend had told her the sad story of Nick’s demise.

  “And he knew where you worked, so here I am,” she said. “Eithne - I really am sorry to hear about Nick. I know how much you loved him, it must have been a terrible blow.”

  I did not cry nearly so much these days, but a few tears came as she spoke, and I blinked them away.

  She took my arm.

  “Where can we go for a glass of wine and a gossip?”

  Ensconced in the wine bar, she told me about her peripatetic career in PR for various fashion houses since leaving Oxford. It sounded very glamorous to me, and exactly what I would have predicted for her.

  In turn, I told her about Jo and Emily, then about my life in advertising, and with Nick. She could hardly believe that I had a son who was nearly nine months old.

  “And what are you going to do now? Carry on as you are?” she demanded.

  “I don’t know,” I confessed. “There have been some difficulties at work. It’s too complicated to explain, but I think I may have to look for another job. The worst of it is having to leave Nicholas, I feel I hardly see him. Being a single mum is hard.”

  “Why don’t you find another man, then?” she asked, in her direct way. “I always think of you as someone who needs a man around, somehow you can’t quite cut it on your own, Eithne. Preferably not a gay one, though,” she added, with a laugh.

  I shook my head at her, I was protective of my relationship with John.

  “Well - there is someone who’s asked me to marry him.”

  I hadn’t meant to tell her, but it just came out. “He’s an old friend of Nick’s, but I’m not sure I can accept, he’s too nice. I don’t want him to take me on because he feels sorry for me.”

  Sofia threw back her head, and laughed. She asked me some questions about Peter, what he did, what our history was.

  “And physically - does the thought of being in bed with him appal you, or could you see yourself having a good time?” she asked.

  I blushed. I had hardly let myself imagine making love with Peter, but I remembered his embrace on the riverbank, and I didn’t think it would be a problem.

  “Oh, Eithne. Professional men like your Peter don’t ask women to marry them out of pity, especially not ones with children in tow,” she lectured me. “For heaven’s sake - he sounds like the best thing you could ask for just now. Make sure he takes you away from London, so you can start completely afresh. I won’t come to the wedding, but I’ll send you a present for old times’ sake.”

  I looked at her, not knowing how to reply.

  “Take it from me, there are times when you have to seize what you can from life,” she added, more serious now. “Right now, you‘re a victim, Eithne - not your fault, but you need to start making some positive choices, or you’re liable to stay a victim. Is that really what you want?”

  Chapter 32

  I was very nervous about meeting Peter again on Saturday. All night, I had thought about what Sofia and Charlie had said to me, and worried about the right thing to do. I wondered whether I could ask John for advice, but when I plucked up my courage and rang him I discovered he was away on holiday and could not easily be contacted.

  I came to the conclusion that I should ask Peter for more time to deliberate.

  My heart thumped when I saw a taxi draw up, and Peter’s tall frame unfolded from the back. He was casually dressed in jeans and a polo shirt, which made him seem younger and less serious than usual.

  I opened the door, wondering what to say, but he stepped forward and threw his arms around me, and I knew that matters were already decided. I was tired of my lonely struggle, and Sofia was right - I needed a man to help me deal with my life. He held me closely, kissing my hair, murmuring endearments, finally kissing me passionately on the lips, until small Nicholas made his presence felt, by pulling at our legs. Peter laughed, and scooped him up, he kissed him too.

  “Eithne, you don’t know how happy I am,” he said, smiling down at me. “I promise I’ll be a good husband and a good dad to Nicholas; he will be my own child. No, don’t cry,” he added, seeing that his words had brought tears. “This is a great day. Get Nicholas’s things together, we’re going out for a celebratory lunch.”

  Over lunch, we made plans - at least, Peter had a number of proposals, all of which sounded sensible to me.

  The head office of his company was relocating just outside Manchester, where he had acquired new premises, and he thought we should look for a house in the same area. This had the advantage of being within an hour’s drive of Beresford, so it would be much easier in future for Nicholas to see his grandparents.

  We agreed that the marriage would not take place until October at the earliest. This meant that we avoided potentially upsetting dates such as the anniversary of Nick’s death and funeral. I felt unready to take the next steps until these unhappy days had passed.

  Peter wanted me to leave Mackerras Mackay immediately, but, now I felt I was better placed to deal with Ian, I petitioned to be allowed to stay on until Robin had returned from sick leave, as I thought that was the least I could do for such a good friend as he had been to me.

  Later on, we rang our parents to tell them the news. Peter’s seemed pleased, although I wondered how they really felt about Nicholas. Mine were stunned - but in the best possible way. I knew they would be eternally grateful to Peter for taking on their troublesome daughter and her child.

  I had two requests.

  We were sitting close together on my sofa. Nicholas was in bed, and the evening air wafted in from the balcony windows.

  I asked Peter whether he would be able to arrange the packing and storage of Nick’s effects, which still took up my spare bedroom. I could not bear the thought of giving his things away, and wondered whether Nicholas might, at some future time, want to have some more tangible mementos of the father he had never known. This he promised to do.

  The second request was that we did not take our relationship further physically until we were married. This was partly due to the sad anniversaries which loomed ahead, partly to the fact that I needed time to reconcile myself to the step I was taking. It was not that I could not love Peter, but I needed to make peace with Nick’s shade first. It was difficult to explain this, but I hope that Peter understood.

  He had to return home on Sunday morning, to deal with the business generated by his Scandinavian trip, but I felt very happy at the prospect of seeing him the following weekend. In the afternoon, Nicholas and I went to visit Robin in hospital.

  I had not seen him for some weeks, and was delighted to see he was now getting around on crutches. The prognosis for a full recovery was good. Sarah was also there, and she was ecstatic at the prospect of him coming home.

  My news came as a surprise to them, but I think they were pleased that I would no longer be alone. I related a heavily modified version of Ian’s behaviour towards me at work, and they were horrified, if not entirely surprised.

  “I shall miss you and Will, Robin, but I think the time has come for me to move on,” I said. “Apart from anything else, I just can’t bear seeing so little of Nicholas. I feel I’m missing his babyhood, and it will never come back. At present, he has neither a proper mother, nor a father.”

  Nicholas was sitting on Sarah’s lap, playing with his teddy - he was laughing, and enjoying all the attention.

  “He is a most beautiful child though,” Robin said. “Tell me about Peter, is he at all like Nick? I don’t think I remember him from the funeral.”

  I thought painfully of that terrible day.

  “No. He is nothing like Nick,” I said. “Physically, totally unlike him, he’s very tall and fair - not handsome, in the way that Nick was - or Ian, for that matter - in fact, he looks very serious, but he has a grown up face, if you know what I mean. He doesn’t radiate that terrific charm that Nick had, but you feel he’s someone you can depend on. T
hat’s important for me right now.”

  “Nick had a monopoly on charm, I think he invented it,” Sarah said, and we sat, remembering old times for a moment.

  “Have you told Nick’s parents?” Robin asked.

  “No. We’ve only just told our own. It will be hard for them, but I hope they will see it’s for the best,” I replied.

  Robin told me that he planned to return to work at the end of August, and I promised I would delay my departure until the third week in September. This would take me past the anniversary of Nick’s funeral. I would be going to my parents in Beresford once I had stopped work, and I did not want to be there until after the sad date had been and gone.

  “Do you visit Nick’s grave very often, Eithne?” Sarah asked me, as we walked down the corridor at the end of visiting time.

  “No. Never.”

  She looked at me, surprised. I explained,

  “I don’t feel that he’s there. If you had seen what was in the coffin....” my voice trembled for a moment. “Whatever made Nick himself, was absent, he’s more with me in spirit in Wapping than lying in a churchyard. I wish I was religious, then I might understand it better. Anyway, it all seems very final now. I think I’ve accepted it at last.”

  She squeezed my hand, and we walked on in silence.

  I was sad when I returned home. In irrational moments, I worried that I was betraying the great love I had for Nick in marrying Peter. But I knew that I would always carry Nick with me. He would not have wanted me to spend my life alone and miserable. It would not be easy to go forward, but I could do it with Peter’s help.

  Chapter 33

  After our progress review on Monday morning, I walked down the corridor to Ian’s office, to tell him of my intention to leave.

  I thought I would feel pleased about it, but in fact, I was upset. When I first joined the agency, I had some wonderful months, my involvement with Ian had been a happy time until I had broken things apart, and later on, there were good years indelibly associated with my joyful life with Nick after our final reunion. It was only the last period which left a sour taste.

  Ian was occupied at his desk, but his door was open. Seeing me, he raised an eyebrow, as if to say “You again....”

  “I’d like to talk to you - is this a convenient time?” I asked.

  He put down his pen.

  “As convenient as any, I suppose.”

  I walked up to his desk, noticing the absence of photographs of his wife and child amongst the agency paperwork, and I wondered briefly what he was like as a husband and father.

  “I saw Robin yesterday. He intends to return to work at the end of August,” I said.

  “Yes, I know. We’ve been keeping in touch, obviously.” He sounded almost bored.

  “I would like to give in my notice. I’ve agreed with Robin I’ll stay until the third week in September, to facilitate the handover. We thought that would be okay with you.”

  He looked surprised, but didn’t move a muscle.

  “You’ll need to put it in writing,” he said coldly.

  “Yes, of course. That’s all,” I responded, turning to go; if he was in a laconic mood so much the better. But he got up, and motioned to me to sit at the table.

  “May I ask what’s precipitated this?” he enquired, seating himself as well.

  I smiled.

  “Well, Ian, you’ve made it plain that I don’t have a future here. I’m not happy working when I don’t have any kind of rapport with my boss. I think this is the best way out for both of us.”

  For the first time since I had returned to work, he looked at me as if I were a human being. I saw pain and tension in his eyes, and averted my own. Whatever difficulties he had caused me, I didn’t want to see him looking vulnerable.

  “I have to say, Eithne, that I think you made a huge mistake when you decided not to marry me,” he said, catching me off guard. “I think we would both have been happier, and you would have avoided a lot of personal tragedy. But we can’t go back now. It is an awkward situation, and I am relieved you are going. Do you have another job lined up?”

  “No.”

  I debated how much to tell him, but could see no reason to conceal anything.

  “I’m leaving London altogether, and getting married to an old friend. Nick and I both knew him since school. It’s been too hard on my own, and I want to spend time with my baby. I’ll miss Mackerras Mackay, but I know this is the right thing to do.”

  There was silence between us. I hoped we could part better friends after this.

  “Well.” He got up slowly. “I wish you good luck. I hope your fiancé is aware of your previous form with engagements.”

  He hadn’t been able to resist a parting shot, but I think I forgave him for it.

  Peter telephoned me later to ask me to come to Cheshire for the weekend - he had found a house which he wanted us to see. It was an old rectory in a rambling village, and I was taken aback by the spacious rooms and beautiful garden.

  “It’s lovely, but can we afford it? I wasn’t thinking of getting another job for a while,” I said. He laughed.

  “I wouldn’t be looking at it if it was out of our range. I made a good profit on the house I had with Silvia, and my parents are giving us a big contribution as a wedding present. There are one or two structural issues, but I think we can use those to negotiate a deal. Do you like it?”

  “I love it.”

  I had happy visions of Nicholas playing in the garden there, thriving in the good country air. It was wonderful to feel that we were going to enjoy such stability, and I realised that Peter would offer us a different kind of life than we would have had if Nick had not died.

  We stayed the Saturday night at Beresford. It was an opportunity to meet with both sets of parents and let them know our future plans. My parents practically worshipped Peter already, and they were very excited to think we would be living so much closer to them after the wedding. On the Sunday, however, I had a difficult task - I had to tell Nick’s mother and father about my marriage.

  Whenever I saw them now, I wondered how I had ever thought Mrs DeLisle was a cool and dispassionate person. Nick’s death had hit her very hard. Tragedy touching our lives had revealed inner strengths and weaknesses which had changed us all.

  I called on them, with Nicholas, after lunch, and was pleased to find Rosine and her children staying there. Mrs DeLisle was upset because Nicholas was now too active to be cuddled all the time, but she liked seeing him crawling everywhere at top speed. It was just like his father all over again, she said.

  My announcement brought tears, but Rosine and Mr DeLisle proved themselves to be allies.

  “Mummy, you must see that it will be far better for Nicholas to grow up in a stable household, with a father figure, and a mum who isn’t away at work,” Rosine said gently. “And you can’t expect Eithne to stay on her own for ever, she’s still a young woman.”

  “And we’ll see a lot more of Nicholas as well,” Mr DeLisle pointed out.

  By now I was crying too.

  “You must know how much I wish it could have been Nick,” I said between sobs. “It doesn’t mean that I’m forgetting him, or how much he meant to me. No-one could ever replace him.”

  I told them what Peter had said about ensuring Nicholas got to know his absent father, and I think that went a long way to helping her accept the situation. As I was leaving, Rosine said to me,

  “I know that mummy won’t want to be there, but I would love it if you would invite Andrew and me to the wedding. I sometimes feel guilty for bringing all this upon you, Eithne. If I hadn’t called and asked you to go to the hospital when Nick was ill, you might be married to Ian Inglis now, and leading a totally different life.”

  “Well, I’m not sure that would have been a good thing,” I replied. “In any case, Nick told me in hospital that he had begun to look for me, so I think we would have come together sooner or later. But I would love you to come to the wedding. I know Peter
will like that too.”

  Time went by very quickly, there was such a lot to do. The anniversary of Nick’s death came. I thought I would be in a bad way, but I had mourned him so much during the year, the day was no harder than any other had been. I was thankful that I did not have to relive those first terrible moments of sorrow over again. My grief was still there, but contained, bearable, something which I would always carry, but which now allowed me to find consolation elsewhere.

  Robin returned to work, and I wound down my involvement at the agency. Ian and I had no further confrontations, and I no longer feared anything he might do. I was sorry to say goodbye to old friends, but very relieved when my last day came.

  Peter kept his word, and Nick’s effects were packed and taken away. I went into the bedroom later on. There was the ghost of a smell of cigarette smoke lingering, very faint now, and I knew I would not be able to find Nick there any longer.

  Then it was time for me to pack my own possessions. My parents were renting out the flat, and I wondered who the tenants would be, whether they would experience the extremes of happiness and misery which had been my lot when living there. Pauline was upset to be saying goodbye to Nicholas, but I promised we would visit her and keep in touch.

  On my last evening, I stood on the balcony, cuddling my son, and watching the water drifting out towards the far off sea. I remembered the angry red sky on the morning of Nick’s last departure; tonight, the clouds were low and tinged with gold as the sun set over the distant bridges. I hoped my future life would have some of the peace which they seemed to promise.

  Chapter 34

  I had one very bad moment on my wedding day.

  I was waiting in the reception area of Beresford Register Office with my father, and Jo, my matron of honour. Nicholas, who would also accompany me up the aisle, toddled about in his sailor suit, looking sweet and serious. His floppy dark hair and deep brown eyes were exactly like his father’s, but to my sorrow, he did not greatly resemble Nick, and there was no sign of the brilliant smile I remembered so vividly. He was himself, and perhaps that was the way it should be.