The Camberwell Raid

by Mary Jane Staples

  Outside, Boots was at the front door, and he too could hear the phone, if faintly.

  Vi reached the hall. Impatiently, Carstairs gave her a push.

  ‘There’s no need for that,’ said Vi, and picked up the phone, Carstairs close beside her, ugly of countenance and expression. ‘Hello?’

  ‘Hello, Vi, Rosie’s grandpa here,’ said Mr Finch, ‘what kept you?’

  ‘Oh, I was upstairs with the children,’ said Vi, throat dryer than ever, nerves screamingly taut. ‘Is that—’ She stopped as three men effected a rushing interruption. Carstairs whirled about. The leading man, seeing a revolver with a silencer attached, simply hurled himself at the bowler-hatted, grey-suited figure wearing horn-rimmed spectacles. Carstairs met the full force of a hard impactive body, and crashed to the floor beneath the man. The second man leapt, and a socked foot slammed down hard on the hand that held the revolver. Carstairs kicked and swore and struggled. The bowler hat fell off, and with it a black wig. A wealth of fiery auburn hair leapt to Vi’s eye. The third man was there, bending low to wrench the revolver from the pinned hand. He stared as a colleague, clued up by the fallen wig, peeled off the swearing prisoner’s moustache.

  ‘Christ, it’s a woman,’ he breathed.

  ‘There’s a man upstairs,’ gasped Vi.

  Miller, alerted by the noise, was already on his way down, taking the stairs two at a time.

  ‘Sod you all!’ yelled the raging Ginger Carstairs, daughter of a dissolute artist, and the sound of her voice precipitated Miller fast into a bedroom on the first floor. Up went the two local constables, while the CID man, astride the raging auburn-haired woman, turned her onto her face and reached for his handcuffs.

  ‘Vi? Vi?’ said Mr Finch over the phone. ‘Vi, are you there?’

  ‘Oh, wait a bit, wait a bit,’ gasped Vi.

  Miller had the bedroom window open when the two constables rushed in. The room was dark, but they saw him framed by the open window. They rushed. Miller hissed an imprecation and charged at them. Together, they made bruising contact with him, and all three men hit the floor.

  At the house in Red Post Hill, Emily, her blood up, said, ‘I’m not standin’ for this, Dad. Why’re you on the phone to Vi if it’s a private matter just concerning Cassie and Freddy? And where’s Boots?’

  ‘Yes, where is Papa? I want to know,’ said Eloise, given at this stage of her life to nuances of speech that implied she had the largest share in the ownership of Boots.

  Mr Finch, the phone at his ear, lifted a hand to ask for quiet. Vi spoke again then, a tremor in her voice.

  ‘We’ve had a bit of trouble here, Dad, but I think it’s all been settled now, and I’ll get Tommy to ring you back.’

  ‘Wait, is it all settled, Vi? We know the extent of the trouble. You’ll find Boots around somewhere.’

  ‘Yes, it’s all settled,’ said Vi, and Mr Finch quite clearly heard her draw noisy breath. Then she said with a slightly hysterical little laugh, ‘Trust Boots to always be somewhere around. Oh, I must go now, I must see to the children. Everyone’s all right, though, truly.’ She rang off then, and Mr Finch put the phone down.

  ‘Well, Dad?’ said Emily, whose own auburn hair was of a dark hue that had escaped ever having been called ginger.

  ‘Yes, I think I can explain now,’ said Mr Finch.

  ‘The siege was successful, Grandpa?’ said Rosie.

  ‘So I gathered from Vi,’ said Mr Finch.

  ‘If someone doesn’t tell me exactly what’s been goin’ on,’ said Emily, ‘there’ll be ructions that’ll take the roof off this house, d’you ’ear me, Dad?’

  Chinese Lady appeared then, with Tim, and there was a general examination of those in the know, Rosie and Mr Finch, by those who’d been kept in the dark. Chinese Lady, Emily, Eloise and Tim all asked questions, and mostly at the same time, thereby creating confusion, which Mr Finch dealt with by taking them into the living-room and asking if he might start at the beginning.

  The phone rang then, and Rosie answered it. Boots was on the line from Tommy’s house. He advised Rosie that everything really was all right, the wanted persons had been arrested, one of whom had turned out to be a woman who’d disguised herself as a male bloke with a moustache and a City look. Rosie said what a terrible blow to her sex. Boots said her sex were generally indispensable as far as he was concerned, and that Rosie could now put the others in the picture regarding all that had happened.

  ‘Grandpa’s already doing that,’ said Rosie.

  ‘Well, you can add your piece of comfort to his,’ said Boots, ‘it’ll help soothe any injured feelings. Otherwise I might have to stay out all night.’

  ‘Oh, between us, Grandpa and I will save you from death by rolling-pins,’ said Rosie, ‘but tell me, are Uncle Tommy, Aunt Vi and the children suffering at all? I mean, it must have been utterly traumatic for them.’

  ‘I don’t doubt it,’ said Boots. ‘They’re shaken, Rosie, but recovering fast. I’ll tell you more when I get home.’

  ‘Bless you, Daddy old soldier,’ said Rosie, ‘you always come up trumps, don’t you?’

  ‘So do you,’ said Boots.

  ‘Love you,’ said Rosie, and rang off.

  She let the others know that Boots had confirmed that the ordeal for Tommy and his family was over, then went out to talk to Cassie and Freddy. They were still at the gate, and having a cuddle to ease the strain of waiting. Neither of them wanted to go until they knew how things had turned out. Rosie told them the crisis was over. Aunt Vi had said so, and Boots had just confirmed it.

  ‘D’you mean the police ’ave copped the pair?’ asked Freddy.

  ‘Yes,’ said Rosie. ‘I think the phone call worked wonders as a distraction, as Daddy hoped it would.’

  ‘Oh, me shakin’ legs,’ said Cassie.

  ‘Don’t worry, I’ll see to ’em,’ said Freddy. ‘Well,’ he went on in cheerful relief, ‘I’ve always been admirin’ of your dad, Rosie. He was born, y’know, to sort out trouble and knock it on the head.’

  ‘D’you think so, Freddy?’ smiled Rosie.

  ‘All the way,’ said Freddy. ‘When I’m married, which I will be on Saturday to Cassie, if her shakes have improved, I might have some trouble of me own occasionally.’

  ‘Yes, and you will if you come home one day with your head knocked off for bein’ a hero again,’ said Cassie.

  ‘That’s when I’ll need your dad, Rosie,’ said Freddy. ‘Now I think we’d better get back, Cassie. We can stop at Tommy’s house on the way just to see for ourselves that everything’s all right.’

  ‘Oh, by the way,’ said Rosie, ‘one of the bandits was a woman.’

  ‘Beg pardon?’ said Freddy.

  ‘A woman,’ said Rosie.

  ‘I don’t believe it!’ said Cassie.

  ‘Yes, what a rotten blow to our sex, Cassie,’ said Rosie, ‘we’re all supposed to be sweetness and light compared to men.’

  ‘Well, I am, compared to anybody,’ said Cassie. ‘Freddy, didn’t you know one was a woman?’

  ‘No I didn’t,’ said Freddy, ‘I only know they both wore bowlers and suits, and both ’ad moustaches.’

  ‘False, I expect,’ said Rosie.

  ‘Well, I don’t know,’ said Freddy, ‘what’s the world comin’ to with a woman puttin’ on a false moustache and robbin’ a bank?’

  ‘Was she the one who knocked you out?’ asked Rosie.

  ‘I hope not,’ said Freddy, ‘it’s against me self-respect to be knocked out by a female.’

  ‘Never mind, Freddy love, I expect your lump’s gone down quite a bit by now,’ said Cassie.

  They said goodbye to Rosie then, and Rosie said she’d see them on Saturday, at the double wedding, and for a knees-up later in St John’s Institute.

  ‘And thank goodness you called in and told Daddy about that van,’ she said.

  ‘Oh, Freddy does show a bit of sense sometimes, Rosie,’ said Cassie, ‘and we’ve all got to be grateful for that.�
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  Rosie laughed, and away went Cassie and Freddy then, on their bikes. They stopped at Tommy’s house and there they found Boots and Polly talking with the whole family. Alice, David and Paul were still up and still a little shaken, but visibly happy that the nightmare was all over. Vi was glowing with relief, and greeted Cassie and Freddy with hugs and kisses. Boots had recounted their part in the events, and Tommy shook Freddy’s hand Vigorously and gave Cassie a grateful smacker.

  Miller, overpowered after a titanic struggle, had been taken away by the police along with his partner, Dorothy Amelia Carstairs, who’d been known as Ginger all her life, and had come to a point where she hated the penniless aspect of her life with her feckless parents. With the help of Miller, a known criminal, she had planned the bank robbery, even though she despised him. But she despised the whole human race, and would have been much happier if she’d been born a tigress.

  Inspector Carson had thanked Boots and Polly for their help before departing with the rest of the police and their prisoners. He had also asked Boots to thank the young man, Mr Brown, for having discovered the whereabouts of the van.

  Cassie and Freddy left to cycle home at last.

  Boots asked Tommy and Vi if they’d suspected one of the crooks was a woman, and Vi said well, she had begun to have suspicions after an hour or so. There was something odd about that one’s movements, and the look of her waistcoat, and about the fact that she wore very small shoes for a man. Also, she never said anything, the man did all the talking. Yes, there was something funny about her. Nothing funny at all about a female like that, said Tommy. Vi said she meant funny peculiar, and that if nobody minded, what she’d like as soon as she’d got the children to bed was a pot of hot tea. Would Polly and Boots like to share it with her and Tommy?

  ‘Thanks, but not for me, Vi,’ said Boots, ‘it’s time I went back home.’

  ‘Time that I did too, old things,’ said Polly, ‘time for you and your family to have your home to yourselves again. Shall I drop you off, Boots?’

  ‘I’d appreciate that,’ said Boots.

  ‘Thanks ever so much, and you too, Polly,’ said Vi.

  ‘Spoken with feelin’ for both of us,’ said Tommy. ‘Pop in anytime you like, Polly, we keep open house for all our best friends.’

  ‘Polly, you’re a lovely person,’ said Vi.

  Polly, quite touched, said, ‘I’ll tell some of my pupils that, those who think I’m a dragon.’

  ‘Goodnight,’ said Boots, and left with Polly.

  ‘Well, old sport?’ she said on the drive back to his home.

  ‘I’m thinking what a help it was, Tommy and Vi and their family keeping their heads, and Cassie and Freddy calling in,’ said Boots.

  ‘I imagine Vi died a thousand deaths,’ said Polly, unusually sober. The night was very fresh now, her coat collar turned up. ‘I hope she doesn’t suffer delayed shock tomorrow. By the way, I thought I helped a little myself.’

  ‘I haven’t forgotten that, Polly,’ said Boots.

  ‘Bless the man, he’s remembered to give me a mention,’ murmured Polly, coasting down Red Post Hill, headlamps on.

  ‘Not only for tonight, but for other occasions,’ said Boots.

  ‘My word,’ said Polly, coming to a stop outside his house, ‘you’ve known a crisis or two in your time, haven’t you?’

  ‘One or two,’ said Boots.

  ‘I suppose you realize I like sharing them with you?’

  ‘We’re old friends now, Polly,’ said Boots.

  ‘Don’t I know it,’ said Polly. ‘D’you think it’s worth a celebration?’

  ‘What kind of celebration?’ asked Boots.

  ‘Need you ask?’ said Polly. ‘Let’s drive into town and stay at the Savoy for the night. We could start with champagne and then do what comes naturally. Well, for God’s sake, we don’t want our friendship to grow so old that we’ll need a book of instructions on how to do what comes naturally, do we?’

  ‘If we do,’ said Boots, ‘get one with illustrations.’

  ‘I’ll order it for my eightieth birthday,’ said Polly. ‘Do you still make love to Emily?’

  ‘Ask me another,’ said Boots.

  Polly smiled wryly.

  ‘The next time I get any change out of you will be the first,’ she said, and Boots got out of the car.

  ‘Goodnight, Polly, and many thanks,’ he said.

  ‘Ye gods,’ said Polly, ‘after an evening like this, and all my palpitations, don’t I even get a kiss, you stinker?’

  ‘You deserve one from all of us,’ said Boots.

  ‘I don’t want one from all of you, I want one from you,’ said Polly, face turned up. Boots bent his head and kissed her. Much to her pleasure, it wasn’t a peck. It was a full-blooded kiss. ‘Thanks,’ she said when it was over. With another wry smile, she said, ‘Do you sometimes wish I’d disappear?’

  ‘Never,’ said Boots.

  ‘How sweet,’ she said a little mockingly, ‘because I don’t intend to.’ She slipped into gear and drove away.

  Emily was in the hall when Boots entered the house.

  ‘That woman,’ she said.

  ‘Polly?’ said Boots.

  ‘Well, who else?’ said Emily, green eyes snapping. ‘I’m goin’ to tell her one day to stop tryin’ to make you her prize possession. And what d’you mean by running about all over the place with her and leavin’ me and Chinese Lady in the dark? We’re not children, I’ll ’ave you know, you should’ve told us what a dreadful time Tommy and his fam’ly were havin’. Are they really all right? Lord, imagine it, those two disgustin’ people keepin’ them prisoners in their own house. It must’ve been a nightmare for Vi, thinkin’ what might ’appen to Alice, David and young Paul.’

  ‘It was a nightmare for all of them, Em, but Vi and the children stood up to it like the King’s troopers, according to Tommy,’ said Boots.

  Eloise appeared then. She ran at Boots and hugged him.

  ‘Papa, ’ow good, you’re back at last,’ she said.

  ‘Not without gettin’ an earful,’ said Emily.

  ‘Earful?’ said Eloise.

  ‘Yes, and he’s goin’ to get another one from his mother,’ said Emily.

  Which Boots did. Well, Chinese Lady wouldn’t have been herself if she hadn’t delivered a few matriarchal admonishments into his hearing apparatus. Eloise noted, however, that he took them all without looking in the least discomfited. He was very distinctive in his way, her English father, even if he wasn’t a nobleman like Rosie’s father.

  Their long evening lengthened more for Cassie and Freddy by reason of having to acquaint the Browns with the sequence of events, and then Cassie’s dad. Mr Brown, Mrs Brown and Sally could hardly take it all in, and Mrs Brown said that if she’d known what was going on she’d have had a chronic fit in her own kitchen, and her husband would have had to tidy her up. She didn’t like to think, she said, that something quite wicked had been happening with the weddings only a few days away. She hoped Freddy and Cassie wouldn’t get their names in the paper, because if they did the whole of Walworth would turn up at the wedding, and young children could get trampled.

  ‘Yes, that’s just what could come from Freddy being a hero,’ said Cassie, ‘but I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again, Mrs Brown. Now I’d better get home to me dad. Thanks ever so much for the loan of your bike, Sally. Freddy and me both hope you have a lovely weddin’, same as ours.’

  ‘Bless you, Cassie,’ said Sally.

  ‘Oh, a pleasure, I’m sure,’ said Cassie.

  ‘I’ll take you home,’ said Freddy.

  ‘Oh, thanks, Freddy beloved,’ said Cassie, ‘sometimes you’re really nice.’

  ‘Well, I’d like to tell your dad all the news meself,’ said Freddy, ‘he might get a story like Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves from you.’

  In bed eventually, Vi whispered, ‘Give me a cuddle, Tommy.’

  ‘Give you six and a bit more, Vi,’ said Tommy, and took
her into his arms. He had a feeling his Vi was going to have a good cry at last, but she didn’t.

  ‘Oh, I feel safe now,’ she breathed, her warm body pushing close.

  ‘Girl in a million, you are, Vi,’ said Tommy. ‘I’m not unadmirin’ of Em’ly and Susie, or of me sister Lizzy, but you’re the best, and I’m that proud of you I could decorate you.’

  ‘What, hang medals on my jumper?’ said Vi.

  ‘Sev’ral,’ said Tommy.

  ‘Oh, I don’t want any medals,’ said Vi, ‘I don’t need any, I’ve got you and the children.’ She thought for a moment, back to the nightmare when she’d been praying for Tommy and the children and had realized how much she cherished her everyday life with them. ‘Still, there is something I’d like.’

  ‘Name it,’ said Tommy, ‘and you can have it twice over.’

  ‘Tommy, I don’t want to be greedy, once will be enough,’ murmured Vi.

  ‘What once?’ asked Tommy.

  ‘Just you and me,’ said Vi.

  ‘Vi, you sure, after all you’ve been through?’ said Tommy.

  ‘Well, I’m wide awake,’ said Vi, ‘and we ought to do something nice to pass the time.’

  ‘That’s my girl,’ said Tommy.

  Vi sounded just like her old self a few minutes later when she said, ‘Oh, my nightie, where’s it gone?’

  ‘D’you mind if we don’t look for it right now?’ said Tommy, and Vi, of course, didn’t mind at all.

  In bed with Boots, Emily said, ‘I’m goin’ to stick pins in that woman.’

  ‘What woman?’ asked Boots.

  ‘As if you didn’t know,’ said Emily.

  ‘Polly, you mean?’

  ‘Of course I mean her,’ said Emily.

  ‘Seems a pity to do that to a family friend,’ said Boots.

  ‘Fam’ly friend?’ said Emily. ‘Don’t make me laugh. I could divorce you just from the way you let her look at you.’

  ‘What way is that, Em?’ asked Boots, switching off the bedside light.

  ‘I never saw any woman eat a man more with her eyes like she does you,’ said Emily. ‘It’s disgustin’.’