by J P Barnaby
“I just opened a bottle of wine to breathe. I thought we could drink it and relax before exchanging gifts,” Jude said as he slid off the couch arm and into Ben’s lap. Ben used his momentum to push him down onto the cushions and climb on top. His fingers caressed Jude’s face, pushing stray blond strands out of his eyes.
“You’re amazing.” Ben hadn’t told Jude he loved him, but Jude was okay with that. Ben’s emotional issues reached deep, and he’d rather know that Ben meant it with his whole heart. Before Jude could answer, Ben captured his lips in a deep kiss.
“I’m glad you think so,” Jude said, the words more like a pant, but Ben understood. Maxie jumped up onto the couch next to Jude’s head, and Ben rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m surprised he’s still jealous.”
“You don’t have to be jealous, Maxie, I love you too,” Ben said with a kiss on the little dog’s head, and Jude tried to ignore the way his heart soared with Ben’s backward admission.
“Why don’t you start the fireplace, and I’ll get the wine,” Jude offered with another tender kiss to the side of Ben’s neck. Only the side table lamp provided light in their otherwise Christmas tree lit room. A fire would set the mood nicely for Jude’s gift. It wasn’t romantic, per se, but Ben might consider it that way. Ben lifted off Jude after another quiet kiss.
“Don’t worry, Maxie, we have presents for you too,” Ben said with a grin as he ruffled the dog’s coat. Max barked his approval. Jude laughed and went into the kitchen for the only two clean wine glasses they had left, and the bottle of red. When he came back, a fire glowed in the fireplace next to the tree. Ben had even turned off the table lamp so the room sparkled with tree lights and firelight.
Like an excited eight-year-old, Ben dove under the tree and retrieved the small stack of presents left just for the two of them. They’d exchanged gifts with Susan and Ronnie earlier during dinner. These gifts were special. Plus there was no way on God’s green earth he wanted his sister to see what he’d bought Ben.
“Here, Maxie,” Ben said, and ripped the paper off a huge bone they’d picked up at the butcher the day before. Some gifts didn’t keep well. Then, he tossed a long, flat box wrapped in shiny purple paper to Jude. Jude didn’t argue about who got to go first. He was intrigued by the gift. Hooking a finger under the paper, he ripped it back to reveal a white box. No help there. Once the paper had been removed, he opened the box to reveal a black flogger. It looked to be made of leather, but he had no expertise on materials one used to torture one’s boyfriend. He swallowed and looked up at Ben, who could barely contain his excitement.
“It’s leather. Isn’t it gorgeous?” Ben asked in a breathy whisper. Since the night at the BDSM club, he’d been dropping not so subtle hints that he wanted Jude to call Giovanni and start training, but Jude could not pull the trigger. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to dominate Ben or tie him up or even do some spanking, but some of the things they’d seen at the club scared him. He didn’t want to actually hurt Ben. Ever.
“Thank you,” Jude told him quietly, not sure what to say about the gift. Instead, he reached under the tree and found one of the bigger boxes. They hadn’t gone crazy buying for each other—neither of them had the money for that—but he had spent a bit more than he’d intended. Not as careful as Jude had been with the paper, Ben tore into the gift, letting the paper fly.
“Oh my God, it’s gorgeous,” Ben cried as he pulled the helmet from the box. It wasn’t a normal helmet; it resembled a German helmet found in WWII. “I love it, Jude, thank you.” Jude exhaled, finally able to relax since he had bought the fucking thing in a Harley store downtown. He was sure Ben would take offense since he’d never worn a helmet in his life, but Jude gambled on Ben having learned a lesson from his accident.
Ben’s next gift to him was also made of leather, but it wasn’t an implement of torture. Fitted black pants with a removable panel on the front made the heat swirl not only in his face, but in his dick. God, I’d love to pop that panel open while Ben knelt in front of me and fuck those gorgeous lips. He showed his appreciation for the gift with a deep, penetrating kiss. Yeah, the time had come to give Ben the very first present he’d bought, the one that might mean the world to both of them. Jude pulled a flat square box from under the tree and handed it to Ben. Again, Ben tore into the paper and found a box very similar to the box that held the flogger, but much smaller. His breath caught when he opened it, and then his eyes met Jude’s in surprise.
“It’s so beautiful, Jude. I…. Are you sure? This is… this is serious,” Ben said as he pulled the leather collar out of the box. A thin strip of black leather with a single ring where it locked, it wasn’t as harsh as some of the collars Jude had seen, but it was sturdy and functional. Besides, the symbolism mattered more than the design, at least according to everything he’d been reading. Ben had directed him to books and websites he thought would help Jude decide to take up the leash and give Ben what he needed.
“I’m sure about you. I’m not sure about anything else,” Jude admitted. Ben studied him for a long time, his blue eyes fixed on Jude’s.
Then, he slid to his knees on the floor at Jude’s feet.
A TEMPEST of emotion flooded through Ben as he knelt before Jude and held up the collar. He knew they should talk about what a collar meant, make sure Jude understood the implications, but recklessly, he’d decided to jump first and talk later. With everything he was, he wanted to be collared again; he wanted the collar to belong to Jude. Even if Jude had a problem with pain and inflicting it on Ben, they could work that out. They would work anything out as long as they did it together. Of that, he was almost certain. Almost. He’d never been in a relationship before, not one that included a romantic element. Of course, he’d had Doms, two before Kage, but they didn’t matter to Ben like Jude did. He’d lived without them when the relationship came to a close, but Jude….
The leather caressed his skin as the collar closed around his neck.
Ben couldn’t prevent the violent shiver that racked his spine as Jude took his hands away and the collar settled against his skin. Nothing else in life compared to the feeling of being owned, being wanted. The small strip of leather reminded him that someone needed him. God, he couldn’t decide if he wanted to remain sitting at Jude’s feet or if he wanted to beg Jude to take him into the bedroom and fuck him. He could almost feel Jude’s fingers in the back of the collar, pulling it, keeping Ben’s head up as Jude fucked him from behind. Oh yes, he wanted that very much, but the decision rested with Jude. Ben’s pleasure was no longer his own, it belonged to Jude.
“You’re restless,” Jude murmured as his hand roamed lightly over Ben’s neck, tracing the collar. Ben rested his head on Jude’s leg, absorbing his new Dom’s affection.
“I’ve never lived with my Dom before, and I’ve never been a sub to someone so new in the lifestyle. I’m not sure if we’re playing now, or if I can beg you to take me to bed,” Ben said with a playful, hopeful smile.
“Assume we’re not playing unless we’ve talked about it ahead of time,” Jude said after a moment. “I don’t want to lose ourselves in that world. We can always talk about it later, but for right now, I need to take it slow.”
“Then let’s go make love… slowly.”
HER SCREAM bored holes in the back of his spine. It wasn’t like his screams with Kage, cathartic and freeing; no, her scream filled his heart with pain. She begged for their mother. She begged the men to stop hurting her. She begged around the blood and the sweat and their filthy come. Mostly in his dreams, she screamed for her Benny to make them stop. Only her big brother stood in the corner of the garage he’d seen only once, the garage he went out of his way to avoid driving near, and watched as they tortured his sister to death. He remained in the corner, helpless, while they carved his name into her skin. Her eyes stared up at him in recrimination while the blood poured from her severed neck.
“Ben…. Ben, wake up.”
The voice came from far away, som
ewhere outside the garage where they’d trapped him. It warbled and shook, almost like it sat on the edge of a dream. A dream. Ben sat up, throwing the covers off him. Bile rose in his throat as he threw his legs over the side of the bed. In front of his face, the doll stared at him, accusing him. He couldn’t stand it; something had to give. With a fury unmatched by any he’d felt since the day he watched them pull her bloody body from the garage, he snatched the doll from its shelf and hurled it toward the wall. The rage consumed him, leaking from his pores and settling on his skin.
Strong arms wrapped around him from behind, and he struggled to throw Jude off him.
“Shhh….” Jude’s voice shook against his ear, and it took several long minutes for Ben to recognize the sensation of tears on his face. A terrible sob rose up from his chest, constricting his lungs and burning his throat. His attempts to struggle against Jude grew feeble, and when Jude’s grip relaxed, Ben turned in it, burying his wet face against Jude’s strength. A quiet hand rubbed his bare back, silent against the turmoil inside Ben’s head.
“The dreams are getting worse,” Ben whispered. If he didn’t give any credence to them, didn’t talk about them, maybe they’d go away. A childish notion, but the dream stripped Ben down to the core. Seeing his name in her skin, even in a dream, even though it hadn’t actually happened…. It tore at Ben. If he’d just picked her up from debate practice, none of it would have happened. Juliette would be alive and happy and safe. Their parents would be able to sleep at night, and Ben—Ben could function like a normal person, could be normal for Jude.
“What can I do?” Jude asked, and Ben bristled at the pain in Jude’s voice. Jude didn’t get to feel pain right then, only Ben had the right to feel pain. Indignation started to replace some of the despair in Ben’s heart as he got angry all over again.
“You could fucking call Giovanni,” Ben growled even as he reached for his pillow and the blanket off the bed they’d been sharing for months. “Kage kept the dreams away.” The blow would hurt Jude, but right then, Ben wanted to be selfish. Jude had collared Ben nearly six weeks before at Christmas, and Kage had given them the number a couple of weeks before that. God, he didn’t understand the fucking hesitation. It wasn’t like Ben would ask Jude to fire flog him or do breath play. He just wanted a fucking flogging or paddling and a good fuck to steady him before bed. If Jude loved Ben like he claimed to, was that really too much to ask?
“Ben…,” Jude said, anguish breaking over his sharp features. Ben held his gaze for a long moment and then carried his bedding to the couch. It didn’t matter that Jude’s bed was empty. He didn’t want the lingering reminder of Jude or his comforting scent. Ben wanted to wallow in his anger and indignation, a childish tantrum right there in the living room. After a moment, he went back into the bedroom, grabbed the doll off the floor, and returned to the couch. Spreading out the comforter, he dropped his pillow at one end. With a sigh, he lay down and pulled the blanket over him, covering himself and the doll wrapped tightly in his arms.
It took him forever to get back to sleep with the sound of Jude tossing and turning. It was the first time Jude had gone back to his own bedroom since they’d decided to try being a couple. Ben wondered if Jude’s bed was as cold as his while they slept apart. When he finally woke again, it took a few minutes for him to recognize the shape in the chair across from him. Jude sat curled up in the chair with his blue comforter wrapped around him. He rested with his eyes closed and his head against the plush back of the chair. Max lay across his lap with one of Jude’s pale hands around his middle.
In the stark light of day, with the monsters from the garage safely hidden in the back of his mind, Ben’s stomach ached with guilt. He sat up, letting the comforter fall from his bare chest, but didn’t get up. Instead, he simply watched Jude sleep. Something needed to change. He couldn’t keep having the dreams. When he’d first started to have them, after the meds the hospital had given him for shock wore off, he’d drunk himself to sleep every night. It didn’t matter that he’d been only eighteen. He had older friends who would buy for him and a stash of cash from working more than two years in his father’s repair shop. The wicked hangover he’d end up with would be gone by the time he had to be at work. That had gone on for years—until he’d found the lifestyle and the pain.
Jude snuffled in his sleep and shifted. He didn’t look at all comfortable. Ben glanced over at the DVD clock and saw it was only just past five in the morning. Neither Ben nor Jude had to be at work. With audit season in the final stages at the company, they’d slacked up on working Jude to death.
Ben had almost cried when he found out Rufus was holding his job for him. Since the brace came off, he’d worked days, nights, weekends, whatever his boss needed to show his appreciation. During the time he’d spent recovering from the accident, he’d blown through almost all of his savings. Having his job back meant he wouldn’t have to starve, but he would have to start saving all over again.
When Ben stood up and started to wrap up the comforter, the doll fell to the floor with a thump. He picked it up, looking into the vacant green eyes. They weren’t even eyes, really, just stickers of eyes. Dropping the blanket back onto the couch, he carried the doll into his room, and put her back on her shelf. Ben didn’t dare leave her on the couch for Max to find. When he came back into the living room, he found Jude watching him.
“Come on, baby, let’s go back to bed,” Ben whispered against Jude’s hair when he went over to kiss his forehead. Jude didn’t move at first, and Ben gave him time by grabbing the blanket and rolling it up. When he turned back around, Jude had laid Maxie in the chair surrounded by Jude’s blanket. Ben held out a hand and pulled Jude into his bedroom. After spreading the blanket back on the bed and fixing their pillows, he climbed into bed and pulled Jude into his arms. Neither of them spoke for a long time; they simply took comfort in the tender embrace.
“Do you want to talk about last night?” Ben whispered, almost scared to break the silence. Jude’s cheek rested on his chest, so he kissed his lover lightly against his tousled hair. Jude’s arm tightened around his waist, and he encouraged Ben when he turned his head and kissed Ben’s chest with slow affection.
“Are you mad at me?” Jude asked, and the sound of the fear in his voice hit Ben like a punch to the solar plexus, stealing his breath. They didn’t move, not even for Jude to look up to meet Ben’s eyes. Instead, he hid his face from Ben, who let him hide.
“No, I’m not mad. I’m really sorry I flew off the handle last night. It’s really hard for me when I wake up from one of those dreams. I’m disoriented, hurt, and scared. I’m sorry I took that out on you,” Ben whispered into Jude’s hair.
“But you are frustrated that I haven’t called that guy.”
“Yes,” Ben said. He wouldn’t lie to Jude, not about something important.
“I haven’t called him because I’m scared. No, I’m terrified, actually. I—” he started, but Ben cut him off and tried to sit up.
“What are you scared of, baby?” Ben struggled against Jude’s hold but eventually gave up and continued to let Jude hide his face against Ben’s chest.
“I… I don’t know if I can be what you need. I don’t want to disappoint you. I feel like if I fail, then this,” he said with a wave of his hand between their chests, “will be over. I can’t stand that. I’ve waited so long for you to finally notice me, and I don’t want that to end.” Jude’s little speech accelerated with each word until he babbled a bit at the end.
“That isn’t true,” Ben assured him, but a little voice, the dark voice in the back of his mind, told him that maybe it was. He needed a Dom. The dreams were getting bad again, and Ben couldn’t live with watching his sister be murdered again and again inside his head. He’d spend days wondering how close his dreams were to the truth, listening to her scream, and worst of all telling himself that he could have prevented it. The exhaustion and endorphin high from a Dom’s hard session kept him too tired and sore to dream.<
br />
Jude must have heard the lie in his voice.
“What if I can’t give you the level of pain you need, Ben? I haven’t even looked at that flogger since you gave it to me for Christmas,” Jude said, and the admission sounded like it scraped every nerve ending on the way out of him.
“We’ll figure it out,” Ben assured him even as he tried to assure himself.
“HI, MY name is Jude Archer, and Kage gave me your number,” Jude said into the phone, only then realizing that he had no idea what Kage’s last name was, or even if Kage was the man’s real name. His voice shook, and he imagined the wizened Dom on the other side of the phone laughing at him. That image gave him the courage he needed to stay on the phone.
“Hello, what is it you’re looking for?” Giovanni asked, his voice light through the patchy cell phone connection.
“I’m interested in training to be a Dom.” Once he said it, Jude had no intention of taking it back. It had taken nearly two months for him to be able to have the conversation. Pulling his feet up on the couch, he patted his leg and watched Max leap up with him. The dog’s presence helped to steady him, as well as the constant motion of his hand against Max’s head, stroking, calming.
“Okay, I’m afraid I’m going to need more than that.” Giovanni sounded amused. Goddamn it, another person laughing at him.
“My best friend, a man I love more than anything, is into this. He needs it. I have to be that person. Kage laughed at me too, but I’m going to do what it takes. Can you help me?” Jude growled into the phone. He was done taking shit from these people. He’d heard it in Ben’s voice last night, seen it in his eyes that morning, that if he didn’t make things happen with Giovanni, there would be trouble between them. He could lose Ben after he’d fought for so fucking long to have him. A little voice in the back of his mind—he thought maybe it was his mother’s voice—told him not to compromise his principles for a guy. He was angry with himself for letting it happen, just like he was angry at Ben for manipulating him and Kage for setting the bar so fucking high he couldn’t hope to succeed.
