by J P Barnaby
It took Giovanni so long to answer, Jude considered asking if he was still there.
“I need to talk to you and your boy, in person, before I decide whether or not I can help. If I can’t, for whatever reason, I will help you find your boy a Dom. Though, if the compulsion is that serious, you may want to consider finding him a different kind of help.” His voice was kinder toward the end. Jude stared out the patio doors onto the grassy area beyond. He’d thought about that. He’d even tried to bring it up to Ben, who refused to consider psychiatric help to deal with his sister’s death.
“This is something you’re supposed to do because you both enjoy it, because you get off on it, not because you have to,” he continued. “Come by the studio. I’ll be there most of the night tonight and all day tomorrow.” He rattled off an address, barely giving Jude enough time to write it down before he ended the conversation with a terse “see you soon.”
Jude dropped his cell phone onto the living room table, uncaring when it bounced twice and then settled. He’d done it. He’d made the call. So why did his chest fucking ache?
Surrounded by the silence of a sunny afternoon, Jude wrapped his arms around his knees and tried to hold everything together.
That was how Ben found him four hours later when he came in from work: sitting on the couch, arms wrapped around his knees, staring out through the patio door. He heard Max greet Ben at the door then return to sit on the floor next to Jude where he’d been all afternoon. Jude couldn’t force his gaze from the peaceful frost-encrusted lawn outside the door.
“Jude,” Ben said gently, but Jude didn’t move. Ben’s frightened face suddenly appeared in front of his when his lover sat down on the couch. Finally, Jude blinked and, after a moment of confusion, his eyes met Ben’s. Max hopped up onto the couch into Ben’s lap, and both men rubbed the little dog. The sun fell further, and the shadows in the room deepened as they looked at each other.
Finally, Ben spoke.
“Are you okay? What happened?” he asked rapidly while his fingers caressed the side of Jude’s face. It felt nice, and for a moment Jude couldn’t remember why he’d been so upset. Then his eyes fell on the slip of paper thrown haphazardly onto the table next to his cell phone. He read the address to Giovanni’s studio upside down and wondered what kind of studio the man had meant. Surely they didn’t have studios for that kind of thing, like a karate studio or an art studio. He could just see guys in leather picking up a battle dummy and flinging it to the ground before flogging and fucking it. A hysterical giggle escaped him just before the sobs started.
“Jude, please,” Ben begged even while he pulled Jude’s head onto his shoulder and wrapped strong arms around him. A calm hand stroked his hair. It felt nice—nicer than the flogger he’d use when they got to the studio and he beat Ben. The terrible red lines from Ben’s ass were still etched onto the backs of his eyelids. He saw them every fucking time he closed his eyes. The sobbing got worse when he thought about the new ways Giovanni would teach him to hurt Ben. How long would it be until I put Ben in the hospital?
Jude sat up and took a deep breath as he tried to stop crying. Flicking his chin up at the table, he indicated the paper.
“I called him. He said we can stop by his ‘studio’ tonight, whatever that meant. He wants to meet with us before he decides what to do. I guess it’s kind of like the minister meeting with the bride and groom before the wedding,” he babbled, unable to stop himself as Ben leaned forward and picked up the piece of paper. “You know, just to make sure they both really want to get married. But, I don’t know if I want to do it. I can’t… I need….” He breathed again, only no air seemed to be going into his lungs.
“Jude, we don’t have to go,” Ben said quietly and tucked the paper into his pocket so Jude couldn’t see it anymore. With the paper out of sight, Jude began to calm, and the air finally filled his lungs. Closing his eyes, he leaned sideways against Ben and waited. Of course they had to go. He knew that. Ben knew that. Ben was placating him.
“Let’s go out to Aurelio’s and get some pizza and beer. Even if we go over to the studio tonight, he won’t want a session, so we can have a couple of beers so you’ll relax. Jesus, Jude, seriously, you’re starting to scare me.”
“What kind of studio is it?” Jude asked between his hands while he wiped the wetness from his face. Ben’s eyes were still worried, but his smirk made Jude’s insides flip.
“It’s a porn studio.”
Thirteen
THE ADDRESS Giovanni had given them turned out to be in an industrial area of the city. Jude counted off addresses on the dark, looming warehouses while Ben drove. Picking his way carefully through the winding drives, Ben pulled up in front of one of the few buildings on the access road still lit from the inside and rolled into one of the many empty spaces near the front. A sign above the door read Sounding Board Studios.
“Sounding Board Studios doesn’t really sound like a company that would make kinky gay porn,” Jude said with a tilt of his head at the sign as they got out of Ben’s truck. Ben’s smile told Jude he was missing something vital.
“Sounding is a fetish,” Ben said and proceeded to explain it in detail. After a moment, when Jude was able to pull his hands away from his crotch and the horror had left his expression, he followed Ben through the door. In the front of the small space, there were two offices. Toys, awards, and artwork crowded the one on the right. It looked like it belonged to a day trader more than a porn director. In the office on the left, two huge monitors sat on a long desk, dark and waiting. The office appeared almost Spartan except for some truly graphic pornographic images lining the walls. Since the offices sat unoccupied, Ben and Jude continued down the hall. A scream from somewhere in the bowels of the building made Jude’s heart freeze in his chest. He glanced up to see that none of the rooms had a ceiling. They were merely interconnected walls below a very high ceiling, but everything above the walls was left open.
A bright light snuck around the corner at the end of the hallway to greet them, so they peeked toward the source of the light, and Jude saw his very first live porn scene in action. One man, a pretty Hispanic guy in a body-hugging T-shirt and ripped jeans, held a camera perfectly still on his shoulder while another man, a tanned Caucasian in nothing but black leather pants, watched from just over his shoulder. In front of the camera, a thin but muscular Dom in jeans gripped the balls of a waif-like sub strapped to one of those crosses Jude had seen at the club. Around the edges of the room stood different equipment and set props pushed out of the way. One corner looked like an office while another could have been a locker room. Jude shivered when he caught sight of a doctor’s table.
When the Dom grabbed the boy’s balls hard and pulled down, like he was trying to remove them, the boy screamed again and Jude scuffed his shoe on the ground in his haste to back up. The man in the leather pants turned away from the camera operator to see them hovering near the wall.
“Nick, let’s wrap it up for tonight. We can finish the scene tomorrow. You guys have been going at it for a while and I think little Tyler here is getting tired,” the man said with a smile toward to the boy, who nodded. “Okay, then I’ll see you guys back here about ten.” He slapped the Dom on the shoulder and ruffled the kid’s hair before thanking the camera operator. Finally, he strode over to Ben and Jude with all of the confidence and authority Jude lacked.
“Hi Ben, it’s good to see you,” Giovanni said and held a hand out to Ben first. Ben smiled and shook it then turned to Jude.
“Gio, this is my boyfriend Jude,” he said, and Jude could almost imagine the tone of his voice held pride, but then he considered vomiting on the nice Dom’s leather boots and thought maybe he was mistaken. Instead, he simply held out his hand to shake. Gio had a very firm grip, though the little bit of pride Jude did have left prevented him from wincing.
“Why don’t we go into my office and talk,” he said, pointing them back in the direction they’d just come. Wildly, Jude’s mind r
aced and he wondered if Gio’s office would be the one with all the toys. They stepped out of the way, deferring on instinct, and then followed the man up the hall. He did indeed turn into the office with all the stuff. Jude wondered if all Doms loved their toys.
He indicated that they should sit on a sofa dominating the wall opposite the desk. A cheap Ikea knockoff, the cushions were just as uncomfortable as they looked. Jude perched on the edge of them while Ben relaxed against the back, but they still held hands. Gio watched them for a moment over steepled fingers. His thick, black hair stood at odd angles as if he’d been running fingers through it for hours. Jude wasn’t sure if the look was deliberate, but it worked. The thin-rimmed black glasses worked too, until he took them off and tossed them on the desk. Jude watched his soft-brown eyes close as he rubbed them for a moment before addressing them.
“So you,” he said, opening his eyes again to meet Jude’s, “want to become a Dom because you,” he looked over at Ben, “want him to. Is that what I’m getting?” Ben sat up a little higher on the couch, his eyes giving away his surprise at the question.
“I want Jude to learn from you, yes, but it’s not all for me. He’s spanked me with a belt and used a flogger on me, and got hot from it. I think he’d like it if he got into it,” Ben explained, and Jude’s face heated. They’d never talked to anyone else about the fact that Jude had gotten off on whipping him with a belt that first night. God, even months later, Jude’s heart clenched at the bruises he’d left.
“And what do you think?” he asked Jude. It took a long time for Jude to answer. He didn’t want to tell the truth because he didn’t want to see the disappointment on Ben’s face. On the other hand, he knew the one person he needed to be truthful with in this whole endeavor was Gio. If they were going to make things work, the man needed to know how Jude felt—the good, the bad, and the downright ugly.
“I did get turned on when I hit him with the belt, but I don’t know why. Afterward, I felt sick because of the bruises I’d left on him. I don’t know what came over me. Maybe it was because I’d wanted him for so long, or maybe because he had sustained such awful injuries and he wanted more pain. I don’t know, but something in me snapped. I screwed up in the bathroom, and it just happened. At the club, I kind of got turned on when I used the flogger, but it had more to do with the sounds he made than causing him pain. I liked it because he liked it,” Jude looked over at Ben, who sat completely still. “Some of the things I saw at the club, though, they scared me. I don’t think I could ever do anything like the electricity or a whip or anything. Hell, I’m not even sure I can do the flogger with any consistency.”
“You understand it’s something he likes? That it turns him on, right?” Gio asked, still in that infuriatingly calm tone, spoken slowly over his fingers. His expression of polite interest never changed as Jude’s attitude became heated.
“Of course I do. I understand that it gets him off. I also understand that he needs it to mask the real pain that he’s in. Believe me, I wish I could just stand up right now and flog him to pieces, but I don’t know if I can. I want to be what he needs, but what he needs scares the fuck out of me.”
“I can see why it would. Ben, have you thought about therapy?” Gio sounded like a therapist himself, and for a moment Jude wondered what it would be like to have a Dom as a therapist. Jude guessed you got better or he beat the crap out of you. Sounded like great incentive to Jude.
“I’ve been in therapy. It doesn’t do shit for me,” Ben said with a shrug. Jude saw layers of half-truths and cracks hiding within the excuse but didn’t say anything. He thought about asking Gio if there were BDSM therapists, ones that specialized in people who were into the lifestyle, but decided against it. Though he thought therapy might be an option, he didn’t want to antagonize Ben by talking about it, especially with someone they didn’t know well. The topic needed to be explored, by them alone.
“Why don’t we start out with some lower-level stuff, see what Jude is comfortable with, and go from there. Ben, if you decide to give therapy another try, I can recommend someone who is lifestyle-friendly.” Silently, Jude thanked Gio for answering his unspoken question. He liked that Gio didn’t assume he would want to do all the things Ben did. When they were at the club, Kage assumed Jude would be into all the same fucked-up shit he was. If he hadn’t been so hesitant once they got into the room, he couldn’t imagine the things Kage would have come up with for them to do.
“What do you mean by lower-level stuff?” Jude asked, his voice careful. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he’d assumed that the lifestyle had escalating levels of depravity but had no idea what constituted each level. If the lower-level stuff included beating the crap out of Ben or leaving marks on him, he may as well not waste their time.
“Simple rope bondage, verbal discipline, command, and some impact play,” Gio listed. Jude had little idea what any of that meant. Rope bondage meant tying Ben up, he got that, but he didn’t really understand verbal discipline or impact play, unless they were exactly what they sounded like. Verbal discipline sounded like yelling at Ben and making him feel bad when he did something wrong. Impact play must mean hitting him. “I want to see what it is about impact play that makes you so skittish. Is it the sound you don’t like? Do the marks bother you? Is it the physical act of hitting him? Depending on what you have a problem with, there are different implements we can use to lessen the issue. If it’s the whole concept of hitting him, there are other forms of pain application that may be less traumatizing.”
“Traumatizing? You make me sound like a little girl who lost her favorite doll.”
“Do you think it’s normal for a guy to beat his lover for fun?” Gio asked quietly. Ben had been watching the exchange without comment. Jude looked to him then, but still, he remained silent.
“No.” The answer came from Jude in barely a whisper, but it was truer than anything he’d said since he arrived. He didn’t think beating your lover was normal. His mother would be rolling over in her grave if she knew what he was about to become. She’d taught him, his whole life, to treat people with respect, not degrade them like some kind of animal. It hurt his soul.
“When you have a conscience, and you do something that you believe to be wrong, it is traumatizing. We want to minimize that trauma because it’s obvious that you’re going to do it, one way or another. I want you to enter into the lifestyle safely. The three words we live by are safe, sane, and consensual. Not only do you need to be safe and rational, but it’s something that both of you need to be on board with.” Gio gave Ben a significant look, and Ben’s eyes dropped. “Boy, I don’t like the way you manipulated him into this, and don’t even open your mouth to tell me you didn’t. I hope for your sake that you really do love him because I don’t think you realize what he’s sacrificing for you.”
Ben’s eyes closed, and real pain flashed across his features. Jude had never considered the possibility that Ben only wanted to be with him so Jude would become his Dom. He thought, once they got through some of the psychological damage, that maybe Ben would come to love him. Even just the idea that Ben manipulated him made his stomach turn. Ben stayed quiet for a long time, and Gio gave him the time. Jude’s heart ached as he waited for the response. Finally, Ben’s eyes opened and he looked, not at Gio, but at Jude.
“I do love him. I think I have for years, but things were so fucked up in my head, I never understood. I just… I don’t deserve his love. I’m not worthy of it. Now that you’ve said it, I think I did manipulate him without ever meaning to. I wanted it so fucking badly, not just the lifestyle, but Jude. When he… that time in the bathroom when you let loose, it was like all of my dreams came true. It was like, I could have you and I could have it. I’d been so afraid to tell you about Kage because I knew you’d think I was a freak. No matter how much I need this, I can’t make you do it. I can’t. We’ll find another way,” Ben finished, his eyes wet with unshed tears. The hand in Jude’s trembled, as if the emotional ou
tpouring tore at Ben’s control. A hanging clock ticked away the seconds as Jude held Ben’s mournful blue gaze. He saw things in Ben’s eyes he’d never seen before, and they gave him hope.
“I will do this,” Jude said quietly, one finger tracing up and down Ben’s thumb as he spoke, “with one condition.” Ben’s expression went from hopeful to wary in an instant. He glanced at Gio for a moment and then back to Jude.
“What is the condition?” The question came not from Ben, but from Gio.
“I will give up my soul in this dungeon. I will find a way to make peace with this, but in return, you have to see the therapist Gio suggested,” Jude said and watched the changing expressions on Ben’s face. Elation. Sadness. Fear.
“Jude—” Ben started, but Jude stopped him.
“Do we have a deal?” He asked flatly.
“I… yes,” Ben answered, and the fact that he didn’t drop his eyes encouraged Jude. Not that he thought Ben would lie about seeing the therapist, but he was worried he’d resent Jude for it. That was okay; there was a lot of resentment to go around.
“Gio, can you give him that number—he’s going to call tomorrow,” Jude said, looking up at the Dom behind the desk, who stared at him in what Jude could only interpret as genuine surprise. “What?”
“When you first called, even when we first started talking in this office, I didn’t think you had what it would take to become a Dom. I think I may have judged you too quickly,” he said around the slow smile spreading across his handsome face.
