Chasing My Forever

by Heidi McLaughlin

  Ajay rests against the counter. His fingers dig into the side. He looks pensive, not angry. I’d be pissed, but I’m a loose cannon right now. “I don’t have a dad. I mean, I did, but he bailed when I was about three. Mom took off when I was six or seven, I don’t remember because I stopped caring. Lived with my gram for a bit until she died and then I just floated around between my friends until I graduated high school. Married my high school sweetheart, ditched her just like my dad ditched my mom.

  “When I met your dad,” he pauses and shakes his head. “My world changed. I was earning decent money as a drummer, but it was your dad who really showed me how to play. The whole time, he would talk about you. Quinn this, Quinn that. I used to think, wow how lucky this Quinn guy is, and then I met you and saw how your dad looked at you. Man, you walk on water where he’s concerned.

  “You know, winning that competition was the best thing that happened for me. It opened doors, led me here, but meeting your dad and seeing that not all men are shit bags when it comes to their kids, that’s what made the difference. I never had a positive role model in my life, until I met Harrison. I’m sorry if me hanging out with him caused you guys to have a rift.”

  Now who’s a douche?

  Me, Quinn James at your service.

  I’m completely dumbfounded on what I should say, instead, I offer my hand, hoping he takes my peace offering. “I’m sorry,” I tell him. “It’s my own insecurities, not yours.”

  We shake and let the awkward silence fall over us. Ajay picks up the papers again and starts reading them, while I try to focus on the words in front of me.

  “Married, huh?” I ask, randomly.

  “Yep. I was so in love with her. I thought that was my ticket to life, more or less.”

  “What happened, if you don’t mind me asking?”

  “What didn’t happen? We fought, made up, fucked like rabbits, got pregnant, lost the baby, she got depressed and I packed my shit. I headed to Nashville to look for some work, fully intending to go back, but I didn’t. She tracked me down, served me with papers and I signed them without even calling her. She’s better off without me.”

  “That’s rough.”

  He nods. “So, what’s your story? Last week you were happy, today you’re wallowing in self-pity. What’s her name?”

  “Nola, well actually it’s Eleanora, but she lied about her name, so I don’t even… I got played.” I don’t know what spurs me to tell him my saga, but I do. It’s almost refreshing, talking to him and not my family.

  “Jamie’s my girl or was. I used to call her Whiskey because she’s named after her daddy, Jameson. Man, that fucker hated me. Pulled a shotgun on me when he found out I knocked his baby girl up.”

  “But you married her, at least you took responsibility.”

  Ajay laughs. “We actually married on her birthday. Her daddy caught us one day. He busted my balls big time. Chased my naked ass down the road. I figured if she were my wife, he’d have no say.”

  I don’t bother to tell him that my mom caught Nola and me together. It’s embarrassing, mostly because I was being irresponsible. It seems that when it comes to that girl, irresponsible is my middle name.

  “My problem was, I didn’t have a good example on how to be a husband. No job, underage drinking with my buddies, playing in bands. I was stupid. She was the smart one, asking for a divorce. Anyway, what happened with you?”

  “I have a life-long situation and it came to fruition the other night. She was involved with orchestrating the entire thing, blindsided me, and then I found out she’s engaged, and yeah… I don’t know. I’m here, trying to write when I just want to go to her and ask her why she did what she did.”

  “Sometimes confrontation isn’t worth it though, you get answers that you don’t expect or can’t handle.”

  I’m in agreement with him, but I still want to know. The one time I put myself out there, put my heart on the line, I get burnt. Honestly, it’s a complete turn-off and makes me want to reevaluate how I do things in life.

  “I think we should work on this, put some music to them. Want me to call the rest of the band and see if they’re free?”

  As reluctant as I am, I nod. Ajay excuses himself and goes to make a few calls. I stare down at the sheet of music and sigh. I feel as if talking to him, airing out my issues and hearing about his life, has lifted this weight off me. Still, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m in a funk.

  Within an hour, everyone’s here. While Ajay and I waited, we put the lyrics together, sang it a few times to make sure it worked and made copies for everyone. Right now, the group is putting together a melody, each trying to find our own rhythm that’ll work for this song.

  It’s when Liam walks in and takes a look that things change. It takes him about thirty minutes to put the melody together. It’s rough, gritty and perfect.

  “It’s something you and Dana should sing together,” he says. “The contrast in your voices and the battle that takes place between love and lies in the song, you both can portray the different characters in the lyrics.”

  Dana and I nod in agreement and take our respective places. Liam goes to the booth and starts recording. Dana, she belts out her lines, adding so much emotion to the words. For me, my voice is soft, the pain I’m feeling coming through. The song allows me to express myself. To tell the world about my heartache. And Dana, she counters everything, fighting back. Screaming that she’s the one, despite everything.

  When we’re done, and Liam plays it back, he leans down and whispers, “Don’t be me. Don’t give up on the one you love because you’re blinded by what surrounds you.”

  36

  Eleanora

  It’s crazy what a wedding does to people. Everyone in my house is overjoyed with tomorrow’s ceremony. My mom is running around like a chicken without its head, barking orders all while humming the wedding march. My dad, he’s outside, directing the tent company on how to put up the giant white marquee for the reception, as if they’ve never done it before. Rhett, bless his heart, is holding court in the living room with possible dates for tomorrow. I’ve told him that Kellie’s coming, but he doesn’t believe me. I swear, those two just need to do the deed and get over their mutual crushes. And me, I’m content with my maid of honor duties and trying to get over the perpetual lump that lives in my chest.

  It’s been almost two months and there’s been no word from Quinn. It’s not like I expected him to call but had hoped there would be some kind of contact, even if it was just to see how I’m doing, but let’s be honest here, I don’t deserve anything from him. Of course, I tried calling him, numerous times because I was unable to get the hint that he’s changed his number. He has though and realizing this was heartbreaking. The words he said to me that last night in the Bean Song were pretty damaging, but to make sure I could never apologize hurts even worse. I’m healing, but I don’t know when I’ll be fully healed and ready to date again.

  I step out onto the porch and marvel at how different everything looks. My dad had a massive archway built and set over the entrance between our driveway and house so that when guests arrive tomorrow, they’ll know they’re here for a wedding. I thought for sure when my mother told him about Susannah wanting to get married here, he would flip out and say no, but he didn’t. He welcomed the idea, saying we haven’t had a reason to party in a long time, which is odd considering my mother throws soirees all the time. I also expected him to say we could have a double wedding, but he seems to have taken a backseat where Roy is concerned. Maybe it’s because everyone in town knows Roy’s about to be a father, whether he wants to admit it or not. Roy though, hasn’t given up. He seems to think the indiscretion, as he calls it, is going to go away. The man is utterly clueless.

  And he’s walking up the driveway now having to sidestep the crates, boxes and lighting tubes scattered all over. The scowl on his face tells all, he’s not impressed. He’s dressed as usual, never opting to embrace the weather by putting on shor
ts. I suppose it is a Friday and he’s likely on his way to work, but still, it’s blazing hot outside.

  “What’s this mess?”

  “Preparations for Susannah’s wedding tomorrow. Didn’t you get your invite?” I know one was sent because Tanner all but forced me to put Roy’s name down on one. I was tempted to invite his baby mama, but I’m under strict orders to play nice, at least until after tomorrow. I feel for Jessica in a way. Everyone in town talks about her, and these same people keep asking me how I’m doing, thinking Roy has broken my heart. I’ve seen her around a few times, she dodges me, hides her face, and will walk in the opposite direction. She’s always hiding her baby bump too.

  “I did. I’m rather confused as to why it said plus one on it though. I assumed we’d go together?”

  I tap him on the nose and give him a sweet southern grin. “And why would we do that?”

  “Gee, Eleanora, I don’t know… because we’re a couple?”

  From inside the house, I hear laughter. I hadn’t realized I left the door open. I don’t bother to shut it. Everyone can listen to what I have to say to him. “And how many times do I have to tell you we’re not. You’re having a baby, Roy!” I rap my knuckles against his head. “Why can’t you get that through your thick skull.”

  “What if I say it ain’t mine.”

  “First off, it is a baby, and second, I wouldn’t believe you.”

  “And why not?”

  I step back and cross my arms over my chest. “Because Jessica does everything she can to avoid me. If she weren’t carrying your baby, why would she care about little ole me? Hmm?”

  Roy looks away. I think the cats finally got his tongue. “Still think the proper thing to do is to go together. They’re our friends.”

  “Don’t matter. I’m the maid of honor so I’ll be standing next to Susannah when she takes her vows with a man who loves and respects her.”

  “We’ll dance together for sure then at the reception.”

  I shrug. Being noncommittal with him makes me laugh. I know I shouldn’t be, but my mama suggested I play nice. She has a feeling Roy’s hiding a lot from his family, which is why he keeps sniffing around here. They expected a marriage into the Boone family and he’s gone and messed it up.

  “Where are you going, dressed like that?”

  I look down at my swimsuit cover-up, which doesn’t really cover anything. You can see my bright pink bikini through the material. I bought it with Kellie on one of our shopping trips. “Heading over to the pond for a dip.”

  “I’ll come with you.”

  “Don’t you have to work?”

  He shakes his head.

  “Then why are you here so early?”

  Roy drops down to his knees. I step away until my back is flush to the wall. “What the heck are you doing Roybert?”

  “I’m begging for a second chance, Eleanora. I know I messed up, but we’ve been a couple for a long time and well…” He stops and shakes his head. “I’m a fool. We know this, but even fools need redemption. What do you say? Will you be my girl again?”

  I saunter toward him and lean over slightly so I’m hovering over him. I cup his cheek and smile. “Never, in a million years.” I push him, and he topples over. “Go to work Roy. Jessica needs someone to take care of the baby y’all created.”

  Behind me the screen door creaks. Without turning around, I know it’s Rhett. His cologne is permeating through the air. “Roy, I think she’s told you no plenty of times.”

  “She’s making a mistake, Rhett. You know that,” Roy says, righting himself. He brushes off dirt from his pants. Pushing him like that was a little mean, but he deserved it.

  “It’s her decision, nonetheless.”

  Roy stands there, dumbfounded. He’s never lost anything in his life. His parents have given him everything on a silver platter, except for me. Truth is, if I hadn’t met Quinn, it would be my wedding happening here tomorrow and not Susannah’s.

  Rhett and I watch Roy walk away. Every few steps, he turns and looks back here, and each time I wave. I’m praying that this is the last time he brings up getting back together because it’s honestly growing tiresome.

  “Tomorrow will be fine,” Rhett says.

  I nod. “You and your harem. You know, I invited Kellie. It’s too bad she couldn’t come.”

  Rhett smirks. “Too bad indeed.” He returns to the house, making sure the door is shut nice and tight. I pull my phone out of my bag and call Kellie. Her phone rings and rings. I’m about to hang up when she answers.

  “You do realize we have a time difference, right?”

  “Oh shit, I forgot. I’m sorry. Call me later?”

  “Nah, I’m up. What’s up?”

  “I took the test.”

  “And?”

  “It’s what we thought.”

  “It’s my wedding day!” Susannah jumps on the bed. Her hair is wild, flying all over the place and covering her face as she falls down next to me. She kicks her legs and squeals. “Oh, my God, I’m going to be married this evening.”

  “I take it you’re excited?” It’s barely after midnight. My poor friend has a long time to wait until she’s walking down the aisle.

  She turns onto her side and looks at me. “Do you know what tonight brings?”

  I shake my head slightly.

  “S. E. X.”

  My eyes go wide, and I prop myself up on my elbow. “Hold on, you and Tanner have done it before. I know this for a fact because I was there when you took the pregnancy test. So, what are you talking about?”

  “When Tanner asked me to marry him, we stopped doing it. We wanted tonight to be special and actually mean something instead of us just signing a piece of paper and falling into bed together.”

  “Well, that’s sort of sweet.”

  “Do you think so?”

  I nod. “Yeah, I do.”

  “I miss it though and living with him has been so hard. He makes me so horny.”

  We both start to giggle. “I know what you mean.” As much as I miss Quinn, I miss the sex too. He’s the only one who has ever made me feel the way I did. I could spend hours with him and never tire.

  “Do you still love him? Quinn, I mean?”

  “Yeah, I do.”

  “Do you think you’ll go back to Los Angeles and confront him?”

  I shake my head and then start to nod. I’ve been thinking about it for a long time. I want to go back, even if it’s just for a minute. He needs to hear me out. “Yes, I have things to tell him, but I’m not expecting things to change. I think our time has passed. He’s changed his number and doesn’t want to hear from me.”

  Susannah moves over to my pillow. “I’m so sorry.”

  “It’s my own fault. I should’ve been more honest with him.” Although, there wasn’t anything I could do about Sofia. That mess is such a huge cluster, I can’t even begin to unravel it. I was doomed with Quinn from the start because of her.

  “I think if he’s the kind of man you told me he is, he’ll listen and realize that you’re meant to be together.”

  “Maybe. I don’t know. He’s busy now, so I don’t know if he’ll even give me five minutes.”

  “He will. He’s in love with you.”

  I wish that were true. I long to hear him say those words. To be able to answer my phone and have him be on the other end, asking for a second chance. We both did and said things that caused each of us hurt, but they’re not things we can’t forgive each other for. Deep down, I know he didn’t mean what he said, and I know he’d take it back if I could only prove to him that I didn’t know about Sofia. The lies she’s told, and her actions have really done a number on my life.

  “Do you know, if I hadn’t gone off to school, Roy and I would be married. I’d likely be a mom or on my way to having a baby right about now. My life would be so different.”

  “And you’d probably be in the same boat with Roy. Leopards don’t change their spots, Eleanora. He would’ve chea
ted on you, disgraced your family, and been a horrible husband. Of this, I have no doubt.”

  I grimace. “You’re probably right. I’m going to end up an old maid at this rate.” I lie back down and sigh. Susannah does the same and links her hand with mine.

  “If I hadn’t lost the baby, Tanner and I would be married already.”

  “True.”

  “And he’d be working at the mill, with his daddy, hating his job, hating me. I loved my baby, but sometimes I’m thankful that God had other plans because I can’t imagine my world without Tanner in it. And I know he’s going off to basic training, but in eight weeks, we’ll be back together, being husband and wife.”

  “Making babies.”

  “Or practicing,” she says, laughing. We both turn at the same time and smile.

  “You’re going to find your happily ever after, even if it means going back to California and making that man see the error of his ways.”

  “I hope you’re right, but until then, I think we need to get some sleep because you have a wedding to get to later.”

  “Hell, yeah we do! I’m about to get me a husband,” she starts screaming and kicking her feet again.

  37

  Quinn

  It’s been a long time since I’ve shown my face in the Bean Song. I honestly expected Zeke to boot me out as soon as I sat down. He just smiled, patted my back and welcomed me with open arms. I honestly don’t know why I came in here this morning, but something settled in my mind, telling me that I needed to be here.

  The single Ajay and I wrote, “You’re the One,” debuted on the charts at number twenty about a week ago and is steadily climbing its way up. It’s getting a lot of airplay and Elle tells us all every day how many digital copies have been sold. Still, I feel empty, like something’s missing, which is why I think I ended up here.

  The first time I heard it on the radio, I had to pull over. It was raining, and I stopped in front of her complex. So much emotion came pouring out of me, not only when I wrote the song, but listening to it as well. Dana slayed it during vocals, giving listeners her sexy, raspy voice. Everyone loves her, and they should.