Five Minutes Late: A Billionaire Romance

by Sonora Seldon

  In that same moment, the door from the outer office snicked open and Mr. Ferrum stepped into the room. He was followed by the head of Devon’s personal security detail and another guy I recognized as Brian Something, one of my newer bodyguards.

  “Mr. Killane, is everything all right here?”

  Ferrum’s killing stare fastened onto the pack of shouty dudes, and something in those eyes and his tone made it clear he would really like for his boss to say that things were not in fact all right, so that the visitors could then be terminated with extreme prejudice.

  “Oh, everything’s quite all right, Mr. Ferrum – although our charming guests will be leaving shortly, so if you might care to stay and escort them down to the lobby once we’re done here, that would be delightful.”

  “Yes, sir.” Ferrum clasped his hands behind his back, spread his feet into a wide, ready-for-action stance, and with his eyes dared Assholes-R-Us to try anything. Devon’s personal security guy took up a flanking position on the other side of the suddenly-not-so-shouty guys, and Brian stood directly behind them, looming in the shadows like a giant guard dog that might break its chain and attack at any second.

  Pretentious Asshole glared at the security guys and the executives, then jerked his head toward Devon and announced, “You’re all as crazy as he is!”

  Then another of the assholes spoke up, a thirty-ish guy who hadn’t said a word until now. He stepped out of the group to one side, and he locked eyes with Uncle Sheridan. I went on the alert – nobody was messing with the coolest Jedi master in the Empire, not on my watch – and the security guys drifted just a bit closer.

  New Asshole pretended he didn’t notice the increased attention he was getting, and addressed Uncle Sheridan.

  “Look, we all know you’re the only one he’s ever listened to, the only person who can talk him out of these weird moods he gets into – can’t you get him to drop this? It would be in the best interests of the Killane family as a whole if you could just –”

  Head Asshole snapped, “What would he care about that? That senile old man isn’t a real Killane, any more than this crazy fuck.” He glared at the boss, then looked around at his fellow assholes for confirmation of how very un-Killane the two of them were.

  It was more than past time that I gave these clowns a sharply worded opinion or two – but just as I took a step forward, Uncle Sheridan gave me the tiniest shake of his head. I held position at Devon’s side, my hand still resting on his shoulder, but it wasn’t easy to resist the temptation to spill some asshole blood onto the floor.

  For his part, the big guy still sat smiling in his chair like the relaxed lord and master of all he surveyed, but tension crackled through his shoulder like an electric charge.

  Meanwhile, Uncle Sheridan set down his espresso and looked at the Real Killanes with the sad patience of someone who’d just caught a slow-witted puppy messing on the rug for the umpteenth time.

  “What you gentlemen fail to understand is that my nephew’s actions today are not the result of a ‘weird mood,’ but in fact are part of a carefully prepared business plan, one that has been years in the making. He has analyzed and dissected every aspect of the operations of Killane Industries, he knows the company far better than you do, he has determined the swiftest and most efficient way to disassemble said company and destroy its value, and he has acted to bring this goal to life in an entirely rational manner.

  “You might question the goal, but you cannot in any logical universe question that Devon knows exactly what he is doing. He has my full support for this course of action, and I certainly have no intention of asking him to drop anything.”

  New Asshole just couldn’t get the concept of ‘no’ through his tiny little pinbrained head. “Please, he’s your grand-nephew at best, and that’s not even by blood – if you hadn’t married into this family you’d never have met him at all, so why not help us out here? Can’t you make him see reason?”

  Uncle Sheridan tilted his head to one side and raised a single lordly eyebrow. “Young man, you will grow in wisdom on the day you learn that pedigrees are for horses and dogs, not human beings. I may not share a drop of blood with Devon, but he means more to me than I can say – to me, he has been the son I never had, and in my eyes, he has more decency, courage, and worth about him than the lot of you put together.

  “As for making him see reason, anyone who knows anything at all about this family understands his reason for doing this – you’re all simply unable to accept that the time has come for the Killanes to pay and pay dearly for their many sins.”

  The grand old man retrieved his espresso, stirred in two measured drops of cream, and sipped the mixture. Nodding with satisfaction, he then had a few more words for the waiting, confused, hopelessly outclassed Killanes standing before him.

  “At moments like this, I find it quite hard to believe that my beloved Alva was the slightest relation to any of you. On the other hand, I can at least hope that with all the free time you’ll have where you’re going, you’ll all be able to think this matter over at great length. Perhaps one day, you’ll even come to understand and accept your joint responsibility for all the monstrous things the Killane family has done over the years, to Devon and others.”

  Head Asshole pointed a shaking finger at my guy. “That doddering old fool can babble on all he wants, but the fact is that you would be nothing without this family!”

  New Asshole added, “Less than nothing – you’d be flipping burgers or loading trucks if it weren’t for us. We pulled you up from nothing, and this is the goddamn thanks we get?”

  From near the center of the asshole pack, somebody snarled, “Your father – your real father, not this blathering old fart – would be ashamed of you, I know that for a damned fact!”

  At the mention of his father, I felt a single twitch snap through Devon’s shoulder like the crack of a whip. His shark’s smile never faltered and his voice was as smooth as a dollop of whipped cream laced with arsenic, but I could tell he was straining to maintain control. I knew barely anything at all about his dad, but I hated the man’s long-dead guts with a passion. What had he done to my guy?

  Devon shrugged. “I knew that brain-fried idiot as well as anyone did, and if he were alive today and could be persuaded to sober up long enough to take an interest in the matter, I rather think he’d find all this quite hilarious. In any case, being the object of Kevin Killane’s shame would be a badge of honor – really, it’s as if you’d expect me to feel bad if Adolf Hitler came back from the dead and announced I was a dreadful person.”

  “Wait a minute.”

  Everyone looked at Pretentious Asshole. He stared at Uncle Sheridan and then Devon with dawning horror, as relays clicked in his brain and the light bulb of an idea flickered to life.

  “Wait just a minute – old man, what do you mean by ‘free time’? Where the hell is it you think we’re going?”

  Uncle Sheridan smiled like the soul of innocence. “Oh my, that’s right – Devon, you haven’t mentioned the SEC investigation yet, have you?”

  “Not as yet, Uncle.”

  “These poor fellows certainly haven’t been keeping up with current events, have they? Do they even know that all their business and personal accounts have been frozen?”

  Silence crashed into the room like a boulder.

  Jaws dropped.

  Pretentious Asshole and Head Asshole stared at the boss and Uncle Sheridan like deer hypnotized by the headlights of a semi that was about to smash them into deer pudding. The rest of the shouty types gawped at each other, while a couple of the younger morons whipped out their smartphones and frantically tapped and swiped at the little glowing screens – they were probably just checking their bank accounts, but I like to imagine they were discovering how financially screwed they were by having their credit cards rejected when they tried to buy exotic sex toys on Amazon.

  One of the miscellaneous shouty assholes folded his arms across his chest and made a last despe
rate stab at control. “Look, Devon, I don’t care who you are, or who you know, or how much money you have – you simply do not have the legal power to freeze our accounts, it’s as simple as that.”

  Anonymous Young Asshole chose that moment to nudge the guy in the ribs. “Dad, you need to see this.” He handed over his smartphone, Asshole Dad took one look at the screen, and whatever he saw there drained his face of color and shut him firmly up for the rest of the proceedings.

  My guy, though, still had plenty to say. “Oh, it’s quite true that I don’t have the power to freeze your accounts – however, the federal government certainly can and will do that sort of thing, particularly when the Securities and Exchange Commission opens an investigation into allegations of securities fraud, insider trading, and a number of other naughty bits of business you boys have been up to. Look, they’re making the official announcement right now, as it happens – my, what a fortuitous bit of timing.”

  He spun around the laptop that showed a podium on a stage, and the Killane Asshole Squad crowded around to stare at their impending doom.

  I didn’t have the best viewing angle of the screen from where I was, but I could see a guy in a rumpled, off-the-rack suit stepping up to the podium. The boss cranked up the sound on the laptop’s tinny speakers, and we all heard the SEC official’s announcement of an investigation and assorted federal indictments being handed down for pretty much every financial crime an asshole could conceive of committing.

  Devon wasn’t done yet, not by a long shot – he smiled, plunged the knife deeper, and twisted it for good measure. “You see, in the course of researching the affairs of Killane Industries in preparation for the takeover operation, my accountants and lawyers came upon evidence of a shocking series of financial irregularities, irregularities that I felt honor-bound to report to the appropriate federal authorities. Money laundering, bribery, income tax evasion, and did you know that your beloved lord and master Kennan Killane was skimming a substantial percentage off the top for himself?”

  Uncle Sheridan leaned over and whispered in my ear, “Kennan is Devon’s oldest uncle – other than myself – and the head of the family; most of the older men you see here are Kennan’s younger brothers, and I’d imagine they had no idea he was feathering his own nest at their expense.”

  New Asshole sure had no clue, announcing, “I refuse to believe that Uncle Kennan would betray this family by –”

  “By not dispensing equal shares of the family’s ill-gotten gains? I am so terribly sorry to break the news to you, but he has in fact been stabbing you all in the back for years with his secret dealings. Not to mention that when I called him this morning at 4:00 a.m. to advise him of today’s proceedings, he blubbered a boatload of tears and offered to testify against the rest of you in order to gain immunity from prosecution for himself.”

  The Killane pack stared at my guy like a single shocked and terrified animal. Then Pretentious Asshole and Head Asshole turned to stare at each other, and the despair in their eyes told me they found it all too believable that their older brother would indeed throw them under the bus to save his own ass.

  Devon sailed merrily on, relaying more fun facts about the Great Killane Apocalypse. “Of course, the team of federal prosecutors had no interest in his pathetic offer when I told them about it, so you can relax – he’ll be charged right along with the rest of you, never fear. In fact – why yes, I believe his moment of reckoning is being aired live at this moment. My, the government seems to have woken up with a razor-sharp sense of timing on this lovely morning.”

  He turned the last laptop to face his guests, the laptop that showed reporters clamoring outside the entrance to another Chicago skyscraper that stood only a few blocks away. My viewing angle of the screen was a bit better this time, and there was no mistaking the older-but-still-Killane features of the pudgy guy who emerged from the building. Tears ran down his seamed face as a couple of badass pit bulls in anonymous black suits clapped cuffs on him and led him through the mob of howling, jostling reporters to an equally black and anonymous SUV with government plates that sat idling at the curb.

  I couldn’t wait one more second to favor these clowns with a word or two. “Wow, it looks like you guys are well and truly fucked; I’d suggest you call your lawyers, but they’re probably already in jail themselves – right, boss?”

  “Just so, my lovely and intelligent Ashley – virtually the entire legal staff of Killane Industries is currently enjoying free room and board provided by the federal government. I think an intern or two and perhaps a janitor in their legal division might have escaped arrest, but that’s just about it; but don’t worry, gentlemen, I’m sure there will still be handcuffs enough for all of you.”

  I smiled at the gutless losers who stood in front of the boss’s desk. I still didn’t know just what they’d done to my guy in the past, but I was sure they deserved every bit of what was happening to them now, and maybe even a few more choice comments about it from me, myself, and I.

  “I’d wish you bastards good luck, but I think the last of your luck went spiraling down the drain when you decided you could screw over decent people and get away with it. So tell me – do you feel the least bit bad about what you’ve done to put yourselves in this position? Any guilt, remorse, second thoughts, anything?”

  If looks could kill, the glare Pretentious Asshole turned my way would have dropped me in my tracks.

  “Now see here, you filthy little tramp –”

  Somebody in the back said, “Little, are you kidding? That’s one huge ass on that ugly bitch.”

  Head Asshole snarled, “Jesus, Devon – if you insist on bringing your whore to a business meeting, can you at least shut her up?”

  Before Devon could react by ripping their heads off, I gave his shoulder the tiniest squeeze to let him know I had this.

  My smile would have been right at home on the face of a saint holding a machete behind her back. “Guys, if those are the best insults you can come up with, I think you need to spend some quality time with a thesaurus.”

  Before I could nail them with more of the wit and wisdom of Ashley Daniels, Mr. Ferrum put a finger to his security earpiece, listened, and then spoke in a low voice to some unseen underling. “I see. Let them know the targets should be on their way down shortly – yes, I’ll inform Mr. Killane, and Grayson and Brian and I will take care of things on this end. Stand by.”

  The boss raised an eyebrow. Out of the corner of one eye I noticed Keiran Asshole working his way back to the front of the asshole herd; but before I could decide if he was likely to cause trouble, Mr. Ferrum spoke up loud and clear.

  “Mr. Killane, I’m told that the federal marshals have arrived and are waiting in the lobby to take these individuals into custody.”

  “Lovely, just lovely – well, gentlemen, I’d like to continue this spirited and enlightening discussion that we’ve all enjoyed so much, but it seems you all have appointments to be arrested in the lobby. But not to worry – I’m sure we’ll have another opportunity to chat together like a big, happy family in, oh, perhaps fifteen to twenty years?”

  Keiran the Punk had reached the end of his fuse, and I could tell he was about to go off like a soggy firecracker. He shouldered his way up to the corner of Devon’s desk and shook with rage as he squealed like an outraged little piggie.

  “You goddamn crazy freak, you can’t do this to us, you just CAN’T!”

  Man, the kid could reach a high pitch when he turned all whiny and bitchy. The boss aimed a sympathetic grin at the brat’s dad, Head Asshole, and commented, “Slow learner, isn’t he?”

  Then Devon turned to the sorry little prick. “Please don’t be worried, young Keiran – you have a bright future ahead of you, full of many interesting new friends. You see, it’s my understanding that pretty blond boys like you are quite popular in prison.”

  Have you ever witnessed somebody absolutely and completely losing their shit?

  Have you ever witnessed i
t from ground zero, as the blast wave of emotion headed right for you at a high rate of speed?

  Happened to me.

  Now on the one hand, the kid didn’t think, and that gave him the advantage of surprise – I doubt even he knew what he was going to do until it happened. One second he was fuming and whining, and in the next instant he was hurtling toward Devon.

  He made it around the end of the desk and headed right for my guy like a crazy train jumping the tracks before I could so much as blink. The kid was so out of control, he didn’t even seem to notice my undeniably huge ass planted right in his way.

  On the other hand, I didn’t think either.

  There just wasn’t time. Some part of me registered that Mr. Ferrum was lunging in our direction, but he was too far away. Devon’s personal security guy Grayson bolted toward us too, but he was even further away. My own bodyguard Brian didn’t shit around either; from his position at the back, he just charged straight down the center of the asshole herd, knocking at least a couple of them down as he came, but he’d never make it to the kid in time.

  It was all on me, and I did not think.

  I leaned my weight onto the hand that held Devon’s shoulder, I spun around to face the Keiran-shaped blur that was flying at me, and I slammed my knee right into the kid’s balls.

  Holy shit, that was satisfying. Seriously, ladies, if there’s a deserving asshole in your life, you should try that move sometime.

  Keiran went from sixty to zero in the blink of an eye. One second he was in full flight; half a heartbeat later, he was crumpled up at my feet like a paper cup. I would have expected an ear-splitting howl of pain, but he couldn’t even manage that – my sweet ninja knee move had knocked the wind right out of him, and the best the kid could do was to lay curled up on his side, clutching what was left of his package as he gasped for air and stared at nothing, his eyes as big as dinner plates.

  Sorry, little boy, but that’s just what happens when you try to mess with Ashley’s man.

  Mr. Ferrum stood over Keiran “Please, Just Let Me Die” Asshole. He stared down at the kid, he shook his head, and then he glanced up at me.