No Return (The Internal Defense Series)

by Zoe Cannon

  “She’s not a… she’s not what you think she is. You know her better than that.” Becca’s words sounded hollow even to her. Hadn’t she thought she knew Heather? Hadn’t she thought she had convinced Heather to drop this?

  “Stop it!” Vivian squeezed her eyes shut, sending more tears spilling down. When she opened them again, her voice was only a little calmer. “I don’t want advice. I don’t want you to talk me out of this. Just let me do what I have to do.”

  “At least wait until you get more evidence.” Becca’s words came too fast. Too desperate. “Once you do this, you won’t be able to take it back. Don’t do it until you’re sure.” All she needed to do was buy a little time. Then she could help Heather run.

  She’ll get caught. No one makes it out during a lockdown.

  Or she could convince Vivian somehow.

  Vivian knows what she heard.

  She could fix this. She would fix this. I’ll save Heather. I’ll save all of them.

  Ramon still didn’t protest. With a thoughtful expression, he watched the scene unfold in front of him—but he wasn’t looking at Vivian. His gaze never left Becca’s face.

  “By then it’ll be too late.” Vivian shook her head harder than she needed to. “Internal gave me this job, and I’m going to do it. Nothing else matters, right? Nothing but stopping these dissidents. That’s what I agreed to when I signed up for this. I had to work against Micah, and now I have to turn Heather in.” Too loud. As if she meant the words for herself as much as for Becca. “I have to.”

  “Heather is not a dissident!” The forbidden word leapt out before Becca could stop it. She fought to control her breathing as the table went silent. She was slipping. Losing control. I won’t lose anyone else. I won’t lose anyone else.

  Ramon broke the silence. “I hate to say it,” he said, “but I agree with Vivian. If Heather really said all that, there’s not much else it could mean.”

  “So that’s it?” Becca demanded. “You’re both just going to—”

  “I’m not done.” Ramon shifted his unsettling gaze from Becca to Vivian. “Okay, so Heather is probably a… what Becca said. Forget about that for a second. Think about what you are.” His usual light tone, his raised eyebrows and half-smiles, had vanished. “Who are you, Vivian? Who do you want to be? Because this might be your only chance to choose.”

  “I’m the person who’s going to stop these dissidents.” Vivian wiped her eyes. “The rest doesn’t matter.”

  “It matters.” Ramon reached out to Vivian. “Do you remember when we first met Heather? The day she joined the Monitors?”

  “Don’t.” Vivian shuddered away from him. “This is hard enough, okay? Don’t make it worse.”

  “I didn’t want anything to do with her at first, remember? I thought she was just some princess trying to win back her old friends after what happened to her parents. But you kept saying she needed us. You wouldn’t give it a rest.” A brief smile. “And you did the same thing with Becca. You didn’t leave her alone until she let you in. That’s who you are. That’s what matters to you.”

  “And you think fighting the dissidents doesn’t?” Vivian challenged.

  “I didn’t say that,” said Ramon. “But it’s not the only thing that matters.”

  Vivian sliced her hand through the air in a negating gesture. “This isn’t three years ago, when we were all standing around talking about how we’d support Micah no matter what. Back then we could afford to do that. Back then we weren’t risking anyone’s lives but ours.” She looked down at the table. “We don’t have that kind of freedom anymore. I can’t be friends with dissidents and keep this country safe at the same time. It’s one or the other.”

  “You want to know something?” The corner of Ramon’s mouth turned up in one of his familiar half-smiles, but the intensity didn’t leave his eyes. “The model citizen they tell us about—the Internal robot who never has a thought that doesn’t have to do with protecting the country—it’s a lie. Always has been. You can call me a dissident for that if you want—” he didn’t stumble, didn’t hesitate, as he spoke the word they had all been avoiding “—but it’s true. No one can do that. I don’t care how much Internal means to you—you can’t turn off everything else about yourself.”

  Vivian tried to speak. Ramon didn’t let her. “So you can turn Heather in,” he continued. “You can pretend it doesn’t bother you. But understand that you’ll regret it for the rest of your life, because you can’t kill off the part of yourself that took her in when no one else would.” He leaned in closer. “Or you can do your best to keep her safe while you try to make sure her plan fails. And maybe she’ll get caught no matter what you do. Or maybe her plan will succeed. But whatever happens, it won’t mean you made the wrong decision by choosing to be human.”

  Vivian opened her mouth, but no words came out. She started shaking as her tears fell faster.

  Becca held her breath.

  Then Vivian straightened, muscles clenched tight. She wiped away the tears. When she lowered her hand, Becca could see her eyes growing dead, could see her resolve strengthening as she pushed away Ramon’s words.

  She could see the window of opportunity closing.

  Don’t let it happen.

  “I remember when we first met.” Becca didn’t have a plan. She didn’t know what she was going to say. But the words flowed from her mouth anyway. “I didn’t know how to have friends anymore. The thought terrified me. But you kept saying I was one of you. You said it until I believed it.”

  Pain flared in Vivian’s eyes, quickly suppressed. Becca spoke faster. “I don’t know if you had any idea how hard that year was for me. But you helped hold me together. Just knowing you were there kept me sane. Knowing I wasn’t alone. Knowing I could trust you.”

  Vivian made a small sound in the back of her throat.

  Becca kept going. “That’s what Heather needs right now. She needs you every bit as much as Internal does. And you can tell yourself it doesn’t matter—you can tell yourself nothing matters but Internal—but it won’t ever be true.”

  “I’d be a…” Vivian’s voice dropped to a broken whisper. “I’d be a dissident.”

  “You’d be a person,” Ramon corrected. “Just like the rest of us.”

  Vivian didn’t speak. Becca didn’t breathe.

  Then Vivian’s trembling lips twitched in the barest attempt at a smile. “I always told her she couldn’t get along without me.”

  “Does that mean…” Becca didn’t finish the sentence. She didn’t know whether she wanted to hear the answer.

  Vivian nodded. “I won’t turn her in.”

  Becca had to fight to keep herself upright as the tension drained from her body all at once. A smile of pure relief spread across her face; she didn’t even try to stop it.

  She wouldn’t lose Heather. Not yet. Not today.

  “Are you ready to order?”

  Becca jumped at the unfamiliar voice. She jerked her head up to see a waitress standing over their table, pen in hand. A button reading CELEBRATE WITH US! TRAITORS CAUGHT: 51 AND COUNTING gleamed against the starched fabric of her uniform.

  “Sorry for the delay,” the waitress continued, her voice a mix of exhaustion and forced cheer. “It’s been like this all week.” She waved toward the other tables—every one of them full by now—and the growing line by the door. “But I promise I’ll get your food out to you as soon as possible. And if you’d like to enter our contest and guess how many dissidents Internal will arrest this week, you could win a gift certificate for a free large pizza!”

  The three of them looked at the waitress, then at each other. Ramon shook his head. “Actually, I don’t think any of us are hungry tonight.”

  As they stood up to leave, Ramon’s eyes met Becca’s. He held her gaze a moment too long, still wearing that strangely serious expression.

  Like he was trying to tell her something. Like he was trying to ask her something.

  Her stomach kn
otted.

  She jerked her eyes away and hurried for the door.

  * * *

  Becca’s relief lasted until the moment Heather walked into her apartment.

  “Is everything okay?” Heather asked. A second later, she lowered her eyes. “Sorry. That was stupid. Of course everything’s not okay. But I mean… are you safe for now? Are they… has anyone… said anything about you? Is that why you asked me to come over?”

  As if Becca were the one Heather should be worrying about right now. “Vivian heard you. She knows.”

  The anger in Becca’s voice froze Heather in place. “What are you talking about? Vivian heard what?” She sounded genuinely confused. Like she really didn’t understand. Like she hadn’t expected something like this to happen, even after Becca had warned her.

  “You know what.” Becca flung the words at Heather like an accusation. “If Ramon and I hadn’t talked her out of turning you in, you’d be on your way to 117 right now.”

  The blood drained from Heather’s face.

  “Oh.” Heather’s answer came on a quiet puff of air. She stumbled to the couch, where she collapsed backward as if her legs had gone suddenly boneless.

  “That’s it? That’s all you have to say?”

  “How much…” Heather swallowed. “How much does she know?”

  “She thinks you’re a dissident. Is that enough for you?”

  “What’s she going to do?”

  “Nothing. Yet.” Becca clenched her jaw as Heather sank back against the couch in relief. “But that doesn’t mean you’re safe. If it’s not her, it’ll be someone else. This is why I told you not to get involved.” Her voice rose. “And you lied to my face. You sat here in this room and told me you would drop this.”

  Heather looked down at the floor. “You weren’t supposed to find out.”

  “I wasn’t supposed to find out,” Becca repeated flatly. “What about the people walking by in the hall while you talked about your plan to stop the interrogations? What about the people watching the camera feed from your office? Did you ever think about what would happen once they found out?” Her anger echoed through her ears. Through her blood. She couldn’t force it back. I almost lost you. Do you understand?

  “I’m sorry,” said Heather. “I shouldn’t have lied. I just didn’t know what else to do.”

  “You think that’s the issue here? That you lied? You think apologizing for that is going to—” Becca shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. It’s over. You’re done with this.”

  Heather looked away. She didn’t answer.

  “You’re done,” Becca repeated, louder this time.

  “Becca…” Heather bit her lip. “Look. I know you didn’t want me involved. But I’m a part of this now. I have a plan—a good one.” She met Becca’s eyes as her voice grew stronger. “And I’m not walking away from the chance to save you.”

  Becca took a breath, then another, until she could speak without screaming. “Here’s what you’re going to do,” she said. “Tomorrow morning you’ll go to the directors. You’ll tell them that you’re sorry, but you can’t handle the pressure and you think the job should go to someone with more experience. You’ll give them your official resignation. And starting the moment you walk out that door, you’ll be a model citizen.”

  Heather pushed herself to her feet.

  “No.” Her answer was quiet, but something burned in her eyes, something Becca didn’t recognize. “This is what’s going to happen. Tomorrow morning I’m going to go back to work. I’m going to tell my team what I need them to do. And I’m going to save your life.”

  Even now, even after Becca had told her about Vivian, Heather still didn’t understand. “You’ll die. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe not until next week. But you’ll die. If Vivian could find you out, so can anyone else.” She couldn’t keep herself from shouting, couldn’t keep her voice from breaking. “They’ll kill you! Why can’t you see that? Why won’t you just admit that you can’t win this?”

  Angry tears weighed down her eyelashes, blurred her vision. She wiped them away with a swift gesture, but they kept coming.

  “Becca.” An unfamiliar note in Heather’s voice made Becca pause. “Stop, okay? Please. Just stop and listen to me.”

  Shaking with the effort, Becca clamped her lips shut on her frustration and waited.

  “If you hadn’t been there for me after my parents were executed, I wouldn’t have made it,” said Heather. “I wanted to run straight down to 117 and convince Internal they were innocent, remember? I would have done it if you hadn’t stopped me.”

  “That doesn’t mean—” Becca started.

  Heather put a finger to Becca’s lips. “And when I fell apart three years ago, you put me back together.”

  This time Becca squeezed out her protest before Heather could stop her. “That doesn’t mean you have to die for me!”

  “Just let me finish, okay?” Heather took a deep breath. “I wouldn’t have made it through the past five years without you. But I’m not the same person I was back then. I’m not sixteen, and I don’t need you to take care of me anymore.” When she met Becca’s eyes, the person looking back at Becca was a stranger. “This isn’t like when I wanted to rescue my parents. When I decided to help you, it wasn’t because I was too naïve to understand what could happen to me. I saw the danger, and I accepted it. Because this is worth risking my life for. You’re worth risking my life for, and you don’t get to tell me otherwise.”

  Becca shook her head, trying to clear it of Heather’s words, trying to block out the sight of this person she suddenly no longer knew. “You have to stop.” Her voice broke. She reached for control, slammed it down around her like a wall. Be who they need. Be who they need. “You’re going to stop. Do you understand me? I’m going to protect you. I’m going to protect—”

  “The resistance?” Heather cut in.

  Becca didn’t answer. Couldn’t speak around the lump in her throat. But she felt nothing. She felt nothing. She was what the resistance needed, and nothing else. She was what Heather needed. And she would not lose her.

  Heather crossed the room to her. She placed her hands on Becca’s shoulders. “Three years ago,” she said, “we sat in this apartment, and you told me this resistance stuff would get you killed someday.”

  Becca nodded. She remembered.

  “Do you know how badly I wished you would walk away?” Heather’s fingers dug into Becca’s skin. “I would have stopped you if I could. I would have done anything if it meant I could keep you from throwing your life away on a war you couldn’t even win.” She blinked away tears of her own. “But I couldn’t. Because it was your choice.”

  Becca tried to pull away. “We’re not talking about my life. We’re talking about yours.”

  Heather didn’t let go. “Everyone who’s been arrested this week made the same choice you did. They knew this could happen, and they did it anyway. And that’s the choice I’m making now. Not for the resistance, but for my best friend. And you don’t have the right to stop me, any more than I had the right to stop you.”

  “It’s different.” She tensed in surprise when her voice reached her ears. She hadn’t known she was speaking aloud. “It’s different,” she repeated. But she couldn’t explain how.

  “Maybe the rest of the resistance will make it through this,” said Heather. “Maybe I will. Maybe none of us will. But however it ends, they chose this. I chose this. And you have to accept that.”

  The wetness on Becca’s cheeks startled her. “Don’t tell me to let go,” she ordered in a voice gone thick. “I have responsibilities. I won’t abandon them.”

  “You don’t have to,” answered Heather. “But don’t try to stop me from risking my life. Me or anyone else. You don’t have that right.”

  I would have stopped you if I could, Heather had said. I would have done anything.

  And Becca would do anything to stop Heather now.

  Just like she had stopped the others from hij
acking that prison transport. Just like she had forbidden them from doing anything that might put their lives in danger.

  But it wasn’t her choice to make. It never had been.

  You can’t do this. Her jaw ached with the effort of holding the words back. I won’t let you do this.

  “You’ll make it through this,” she said instead. “Whatever you decide to do. I promise.”

  Heather hesitated, her face twisting into an expression Becca couldn’t read. “Becca, you can’t know—”

  “I promise,” Becca repeated, cutting her off. She ignored the look of doubt in Heather’s eyes. Ignored the whispers of uncertainty in her mind.

  She couldn’t stop Heather. She couldn’t stop any of them. But she would not let go.

  “Becca—”

  Becca cut her off again. “Tell me the plan.”

  Heather gave Becca’s shoulders a final squeeze, then dropped her arms. “The fewer people who know, the better.”

  “I won’t try to stop you. But let me help you.”

  Heather shook her head. “You’re going to have to trust me.” She paused. “Can you do that?”

  Trust Heather to plot against Internal? Heather, who would never have come this far without Becca’s help? Heather, who didn’t even understand—

  But the Heather standing in front of her now wasn’t the Heather she knew. The Heather she thought she had known.

  She nodded.

  Don’t do this, she begged silently, one last time. Please.

  Aloud, she said only, “Good luck.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  I’ll do what you want, I’ll… I’ll do anything.