Nights in the Fast Lane: A Contemporary Romantic Comedy

by Grace Risata

  “Um, Izzy…are we underdressed?” Dane quietly whispered next to me.

  “Probably. Will it make the food taste any less delicious? I highly doubt it. Just remember it doesn’t matter what clothes are covering us up. We’re still sexy underneath.”

  I waved at Monica and marched over to get this party started.

  Trent saw us approaching and took the opportunity to give Dane a not so subtle once-over. His face actually contorted into a look of disgust before he plastered his fake smile back on.

  “You must be the guy I’ve been hearing so much about lately. I’m Trent. Nice to meet you,” he said while extending a hand.

  Dane held his head high and shook Trent’s hand. “Pleased to meet you as well.” Aren’t we formal this evening!

  I turned to Monica and said, “I’m starving, is our table ready yet?”

  “What’s the rush, Izzy?” Trent questioned. “Maybe your friend would like to start with a drink.” He turned to Dane and pulled out his wallet as he asked, “What can I buy you? I heard that you had to leave rather hastily from wherever it is that you come from, so please let me pay. I understand you don’t currently have much in the way of funds. Order whatever you want, it’s on me.”

  Before I could go nuts on Trent for being a cock-wad two seconds into the conversation, Dane jumped in and handled things.

  “I don’t know what you’ve heard or who you heard it from, but you must be misinformed. I’m not currently at a loss for anything.” Dane whipped out his own wallet and ordered a whisky for himself and a beer for me. He dropped a twenty dollar bill on the bar and told the bartender to keep the change. Crap. I knew damn well that was Dane’s last twenty. Thank God I knew how Trent operated and I had a pile of cash in my purse. Trent liked to show-off any chance he got and it annoyed me to no end that he insisted on paying for everything.

  “Monica,” I said, “Can you come over here in the light and take a look at my contact lens? I think there’s a chunk of something in my eye. Do you have a mirror in your purse?”

  “Sure,” she replied and followed me.

  “Get out your purse and pretend like you’re looking for a mirror,” I whispered. “I’m getting mine out too. I’m warning you that if Trent acts like this all night, it is not going to be pretty. You know I hate it when he pretends to be Mr. Important. Now get ready to look in my eye so I don’t look like a liar.” I dug around in my purse and grabbed two fifty dollar bills. I folded them as small as possible and stuck them tight to the palm of my hand.

  Monica pretended to look in my eye and said, “Izzy, I know you and Trent don’t always get along but he promised me that he’d behave tonight. We’ve been having some…marital issues… and he’s really going to make an effort to try harder. I believe him.”

  “I hope for your sake that he does make a change. What I don’t understand is why you won’t tell your two best friends about your marital problems. Since when do we not tell each other everything?”

  “Since it’s embarrassing. I lecture you two all the time and I don’t want to look like a hypocrite for preaching about settling down and the joys of marriage when mine is going to hell. Just let me sort it out and if I need you guys, I’ll call you.”

  “Why is your marriage going to hell?” I asked in surprise. I didn’t know it was that bad.

  “I don’t tell you everything. Some things remain between a man and wife and it’s not productive to speak of them outside the marriage. You don’t tell me everything either. I heard you had an unexpected visitor on Saturday?”

  “News travels fast around here. Grandma Isadore made a brief pop-in on my front step, but it was nothing that I couldn’t handle with a little help from Dane.”

  “Are you ladies going to stand over there all night or would you like to join the conversation?” Trent called out to us.

  We returned to the guys and I nonchalantly held Dane’s hand and pressed the folded up money into his palm. I gave him a sideways look out of the corner of my eye and he got the hint. He let my hand go and put the money in his pocket. Trent was too busy talking to notice.

  “Monica, did you know that Izzy’s friend fixes cars? Isn’t that a noble profession?” Trent asked.

  “I like to work with my hands,” Dane explained. “It gives me a sense of accomplishment. What is it that you do again, Trent?”

  “I’m a financial analyst. I deal with derivatives, commodities, and wealth management. My brokerage strategy emphasizes long term capital asset appreciation. It’s a bit over your pay grade, I’m afraid. It gives ME a sense of accomplishment to turn single dollars into thousands,” Trent explained.

  “How are your investments coming these days, Trent?” I asked. “I’ve been following the market and it’s been tanking lately. But perhaps your funds are bucking the trend? Tell us how many millions you made this week, won’t you?” I asked.

  “Izzy, you would be rolling in the cash right now if you would have let me invest your parent’s life insurance policy instead of pissing it away on that stupid house. You could have tripled your money if you would have listened to me.”

  “Or I could have lost it all. The stock market is a gamble. I don’t gamble with my future.”

  Trent took a long look at Dane and then shrugged his shoulders. “It looks like you’re gambling with it right now as a matter of fact.”

  “What does that mean, exactly?” I asked. I felt the blood rising to my face. What was he trying to imply?

  “It means that you don’t realize what’s actually important and that family comes first. I’m sure your grandmother worries about you and she would not appreciate your new choice of …how shall I put this delicately…your new roommate.”

  “Let’s just take a step back from this conversation because it’s not going to end well if we continue on this track,” Dane interrupted and tried to run interference before I lost it.

  “That’s a very good idea, Dane. I agree that a subject change is in order,” Monica said diplomatically.

  “No, I like this subject that we’re currently discussing. Everyone needs to quit taking baby steps around Izzy so as not to upset her. She’s twenty-six years old. It’s high time that she starts acting like an adult, accepts her birthright, and quits fucking around with an illiterate tattooed piece of human garbage,” Trent spat.

  Before I could even think of a response to that, Monica stepped in between Trent and Dane. Evidently she thought my illiterate piece of trash was going to take a swing at her precious husband. Dane had more class than that.

  “You don’t know anything about me, Trent. But thanks for judging me based on my looks. You can think whatever you want. Izzy knows my true intentions,” Dane calmly explained. For some reason, he wasn’t taking Trent’s bait. I gave him credit for that.

  “What do you think your grandmother would say if I called her and informed her of how you were living your life, Izzy?” Trent asked. “Do you think she would approve? Maybe I SHOULD give her an update. Maybe she’s the only one who can make you come to your senses. Maybe she would be very grateful to have this interesting bit of information.”

  “You mean maybe she would let you have access to some of her money so you can wow her with your awesome investing skills? Maybe she came to my house two days ago so she already knows who I’m shacking up with. Maybe I don’t give a fuck what she thinks,” I said, my voice rising to the point where other restaurant patrons started to take notice.

  “Ok. Either this ends now or we’re taking it outside. This is a nice restaurant and we’re starting to cause a scene,” Dane warned.

  “Why don’t you keep yourself out of this,” Trent cautioned. “This has nothing to do with you. You’re just the latest failure as she throws her life away. She could have anything she wanted, but she chooses to live like a poor fool.” Trent looked me straight in the eye and confessed, “You may think you know everything, but you don’t. I went behind your back and contacted
your grandmother. She’s a lovely lady and she offered to pay me handsomely for keeping my eyes on you. I’ve been feeding her reports for years. In return she sends her friends over to invest with me. It’s been quite lucrative. If you fuck this up for me by permanently pissing her off, it will be the worst move you ever make.”

  At that point the restaurant manager came over to stick his nose into the conversation and politely ask us to tone it down or we would be forced to leave. Like there was any way I’d sit down at a table with Trent after he tried to intimidate me like that. I grabbed Dane’s hand and went to leave, but he wasn’t budging.

  “Trent, if you EVER speak to her like that again, you will live to regret it. Or maybe I won’t LET you live. I haven’t decided yet. You don’t know who you’re dealing with here,” Dane threatened, more serious than I had ever seen him.

  With that remark, the manager started to usher us all towards the exit. I was happy to get the hell out of there. I didn’t understand why Monica was letting her husband behave like that. I was supposed to be one of her best friends. How could she let him treat me that way? It was totally unprovoked. Why didn’t she realize the kind of person she was married to?

  As we walked out to our cars, I thought it was over. I was wrong. It got worse.

  “That’s fine, Izzy. Be with a low-life scumbag who just uses you for whatever he can get. It’s clear to everyone but you that he’s taking you for a ride. You need to wake up and face the facts,” Trent yelled out to me.

  I wasn’t buying any of the garbage that was coming out of Trent’s mouth. Although I was utterly horrified about the disrespect he showed Dane.

  “I apologize for the way he’s treating you,” I told Dane.

  “He’s a moron. It’s not worth my time. Let’s just go home.”

  “I knew you’d end up like this,” Trent shouted, still trying to get a rise out of me. “I can’t for the life of me understand why Monica wants to associate with any of you. You’re going to follow in Winter’s footsteps and turn into a whore, just like she is.”

  That did it. Dane snapped. He held it together for far longer than I would have been able, but that last comment pushed him right over the edge. He turned on Trent and raised his fist.

  “Don’t do it, Dane! It’s what he wants. He’ll have you arrested. WALK AWAY,” Monica screamed, again getting in between the men.

  Trent pushed Monica out of the way and got up in Dane’s face. “Do it you fucking cock-sucker! Come at me! Wait until I’m done with you. I’m going to own your ass. You’ll be in jail for so long…” Trent shouted.

  Dane shook his head and started walking to my car. I followed him without saying a word to Monica.

  It was impossible to get myself to quit shaking on the ride home. I had more excitement in the past three days than I usually have in six months.

  “Between my grandma, my cousin, and Trent…you must think I’m totally toxic, huh?” I was so embarrassed. That could not have gone any worse. Unless Dane had hit him and Trent called the cops. I guess that would have been the absolute worst of scenarios.

  “I’m trying to decide if I did the right thing or not. I don’t want him to get away with thinking he can talk to people like that. He pushed me to the point of no return just to get a rise out of me so I’d hit him and he could win by having me arrested. Who acts and thinks like that? He’s fucking insane. What is WRONG with that guy?” Dane asked.

  “I think you did the right thing. If it was me, I would have hit him. But I act before I think and that gets me in nothing but trouble. Look what happens when I flip people off. Jimmy tried to get revenge and Libby hates me. Sometimes you have to be the mature person and take the high road. You would have hit him, gotten thrown into jail, and possibly lost your job. That might lead to prison where you would have been someone’s bitch if you dropped the soap. That’s not worth it, Dane. Not at all.”

  Dane laughed. “I believe I’ve told you this before but it bears repeating, you watch WAY too much TV. Real life is not Shawshank Redemption. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t go to prison and become anybody’s bitch.”

  “If you DO ever go to prison, I promise I’ll send you a poster of Raquel Welch so you can bust out and come back to me,” I said.

  “Everything with you ends up as a joke, doesn’t it?”

  “Humor is my defense mechanism. It’s how I cope with what life throws at me,” I admitted.

  “What else will you do if I go to prison?” he asked.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Would you be willing to engage in a conjugal visit?”

  “Everything with you ends up referring to sex, doesn’t it?”

  “Sex is my defense mechanism. It’s how I cope with what life throws at me.”

  “Then shouldn’t you be getting more of it?” I asked.

  “Yes, you’re absolutely right. In fact I think I’m ready for some right now.”

  “You better make it a quickie then. I had no supper and I’m starving.”

  ---------------------------------------------------------------

  As soon as Dane parked in the garage, he pulled me onto his lap and stuck his tongue down my throat. I guess the drama of our horrible date got him excited.

  “Why are you so worked up?” I asked in between kisses.

  “Adrenaline rush. I wanted to beat him up, but I didn’t get the opportunity,” he explained.

  “Let’s see if we can find an outlet for all that excess energy.”

  I leaned over Dane and opened the car door. We tumbled out and somehow managed to get into the house, staying connected the entire time. Dane took off his shoes and I leaned down and threw mine off.

  “Skirt…off,” he demanded. I unzipped the back of my skirt and stepped out of it, while Dane unbuttoned my blouse. As soon as I had a free hand, I grabbed at his sweater in a desperate attempt to get it off his head. I was naked in a matter of seconds as we worked our way toward the bedroom.

  “Condom?” I asked breathlessly.

  “Not yet. Foreplay first.” Dane said as he picked me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist. He still had his pants on, so it wasn’t any fun. He carried me to the bed and set me down on top of it.

  “Take your pants off. It’s my turn to taste you,” I ordered.

  “Nope. It tastes like Doritos down there, you wouldn’t like it,” he said.

  “I learned my lesson. That is a solid lie. Now take off your damn pants and let me swallow you whole.”

  “You’re naughty, you know that?” he whispered as he got fully and completely naked. He made sure to shut the door so my poor dog wouldn’t get caught in the excitement.

  “What if I AM naughty? What are you going to do about it?” I asked.

  “I might have to get you arrested,” he said.

  “Good. Then I can show you what I’d do to you after I broke out of jail.” I inched over to where he stood next to the bed and I took him in my mouth. All of him. It was no easy task, but somehow I managed. I sucked and licked and ran my tongue over his sensitive tip. I felt him shudder and I looked up at him. His eyes were closed and his expression was utter bliss.

  “Why are you stopping?” he asked.

  “Because I’m going to get you right to the brink and then I’m going to stop. I’m going to make you crazy until you absolutely beg for me to get you off.” Isn’t that what he told me a few days ago? I think it still applied in this case. I better add to it so it sounded original though. “I’m going to sit on your hard cock and ride it until you go out of your mind because it feels so good with my hot wet pussy dripping all over it.”

  “Mmm…then what?”

  “I don’t know. I just made that shit up. Do you want me to keep talking or do you want me to fuck you? Because I don’t think I can do both at once.” I’m horrible at multi-tasking.

  “I love it when you say ‘fuck.’ But I’d rather have you doing stuff instead of talking,” D
ane said as he lay down on the bed. “Now put that dirty mouth back on my cock where it belongs.”

  I stifled a giggle at his attempt at sex talk and did as I was told. He was pretty big so I had to use my hand as well as my mouth. I could tell he was enjoying it a little too much and it wouldn’t take very long until I would be getting a mouthful of his happiness. So I stopped.

  “What? Why? No!” he protested.

  “You’re almost there. You’re not going to hold out much longer. Do you want me to finish or do you want something else?”

  “I want something else. I want you to be on top,” he said.

  “On one condition. Promise me that you’ll keep your eyes closed.”

  “What? Why? There’s no way in hell I’m missing that show. Why do I need to keep my eyes closed? Is this something lame that some other guy made you do? Tell me,” he demanded.

  “I’ve only been on top once or twice before in my entire life. It doesn’t feel very good and I’m all self-conscious that my tits are flopping around and it feels like I’m a circus freak getting stared at.”

  “Damn. I love all these chances to show you what sex can be like. You’re going to enjoy this. Being on top is one of the best positions for a girl. You decide how deep it goes and how fast the rhythm is. You have all the control. I WILL stare at you though, but not like you’re a circus freak. I’ll stare at your scrumptious body and your perky tits and I’ll be wondering what I ever did right to get such a tasty beauty to ride my nuts so fucking hard. The only looks you’ll be getting from me are ones of appreciation,” he promised. When he says stuff like that, how can I refuse?

  “Let me make sure you’re good and wet first. Slide yourself up here and sit on my face.”