Nights in the Fast Lane: A Contemporary Romantic Comedy

by Grace Risata

  Stacey’s eyes got really wide and she exploded with laughter. I just stood in shock.

  “You still have fire in your eyes, Monica. I’d say that’s a good thing,” Stacey commented with a giant smile. “That’s all that matters. You’re going to come out of this a stronger, better person. I think I might like you. I might even like you better than Izzy. Winter sure has a great group of friends!”

  Monica cocked her head as if trying to figure out this stranger in front of her. She took in Stacey’s appearance from the black and blonde hair to the crazy clothes she wore. Stacey’s dress was a green and white number, which wouldn’t have been too risqué except for the fact that the front and back pieces were kept together by what appeared to be black shoe-strings. Matching green knee high boots capped off her look.

  After some careful thought, Monica said, “We already have a ‘Winter’ who’s man-obsessed and dresses in revealing outfits. I’m currently the crazy one. Izzy is in a class all by herself. What can you bring to the table?” She was actually grilling Stacey as if this were a job interview. I looked around to see if the guys thought this conversation was as strange as I did, but they were standing off to the side talking amongst themselves and not paying attention at all.

  “I have a ton of life experience and I’m really good at oral sex,” Stacey answered.

  With that, three male heads swung around in her direction.

  “What was that now?” Ant asked. “I don’t believe we’ve met.”

  I sighed and introduced Stacey to the guys. Dane raised his eye brows at me, obviously wondering if this was the menage Stacey I was telling him about. I nodded my head.

  Ant struck up a conversation with Stacey, who seemed equally interested in him. Spider, as per usual, appeared to have something stuck up his ass. He walked over to Winter and snapped his fingers at her entourage.

  “Get lost,” he demanded, silently daring any of the men to challenge him. He put his arm around Winter and she immediately swatted it off.

  “Who the hell do you think you are?” she asked him, clearly annoyed at his arrogance.

  “You’ll never find out if they keep hanging around,” Spider said, pointing to Winter’s group of men who had all taken a step back to get out of Spider’s way.

  Winter grabbed the best looking of the three, who was absolutely no comparison at all to Spider, and stalked off to the dance floor. To say that Spider was shocked and fuming about this turn of events, would have been the understatement of the year.

  “Who wants a drink?” Dane asked. “Because I know I could use one. Or four.”

  Dane kissed me lightly on the cheek and walked to the bar with Spider trailing not too far behind him.

  “What are you drinking tonight, Monica?” I asked my friend. I didn’t want her to get wasted like she did the other night.

  “I’m having rum and coke, minus the rum,” she answered.

  “Wouldn’t that just be a coke?”

  “Yeah. I don’t want the alcohol to numb my pain. I need the agony to take up permanent residence in my soul to remind me that men are evil.”

  “Okay. If you need to be reminded of that, can’t you just look at your shirt?” I asked, directing her attention back to the “All men are idiots” that was currently emblazoned on her chest. This was definitely going to be one weird-ass night. I was extremely grateful when Dane brought me a beer and I think I chugged half of it in one giant swallow.

  Dane took notice of this and clinked his bottle to mine.

  “To alcohol and problem solving…may they be one and the same!”

  I had no idea what that meant, but I smiled anyway. I was going to have to ask him what his problem was, and sooner rather than later. Unfortunately I couldn’t do it when all these people were around. It didn’t escape my notice that he brought back a tray full of beer. I’m not sure who was drinking all this.

  Winter returned to the group after only a few minutes away. I’m sure she didn’t want to miss any of the action and she had no real interest in the guy she was dancing with anyway.

  “Back so soon?” Spider asked her with more than a hint of antagonism.

  “I like to keep my options open,” she replied.

  “I’ll just bet you do.”

  “You’re a jackass, you know that? Why the hell is Dane friends with you anyway?” Winter asked the tattooed jerk.

  “That’s been on my mind, too,” I chimed in. “How did you guys get to be so tight?”

  Ant started laughing and said, “They’ve had some good times, that’s for sure. Tell these fine ladies how you two ended up where you are now.”

  Spider smirked and began, “It’s pretty explosive of a story.”

  Dane shook his head and finished his beer. He instantly grabbed another one and starting polishing that off in record time.

  “We met in Chemistry class,” Spider continued. “Dane was my lab partner. I hated science and I was no good at anything in school. I didn’t like the teacher so I made our science experiment blow up by mixing the wrong chemicals together. The teacher thought we were both in on it, so she sent us to detention for a week. That’s what caused us to be late getting out of school and leaving at the same time every day. Which is why we were confronted by Billy Masterson on the last day of detention. I might have been fucking his girlfriend at the time and he didn’t appreciate that. So he got some of his football buddies to help him kick my ass after school. Since Dane left at the same time I did and we were walking out together, they thought he was my friend and they decided to kick his ass for the fun of it. It was four against two. What they didn’t plan for, was that I had a switchblade in my pocket and Dane was good with his fists. Billy and his buddies got their asses handed to them. It was pretty cool. That cemented the friendship between Dane and I and the rest is history.”

  “Didn’t he get pissed at you for getting him in trouble?” I asked in disbelief.

  “Nope. I made it up to him about tenfold since then. He would have had no fun and excitement in his life, had it not been for me to steer him down the back alley of adventure and rebellion. I’m the one that led him to his one true passion – street racing,” Spider proudly admitted.

  “How did you get in to that?” I asked Dane. He was being really quiet and not even attempting to join the conversation, even though it was all about him.

  Dane looked up and answered my question.

  “It’s not all glamorous like he makes it sound, Izzy. We were two punk kids doing stupid shit. Spider insisted on stealing his dad’s car, but he couldn’t drive a manual transmission. Guess who got to be the getaway driver? That’s right, me. It was fun until the cops started chasing us because Spider’s dad reported the car as stolen the very second he noticed it was gone. I’m pretty sure he knew immediately who took it, but he still called the cops anyway.”

  “Dane, watch your mouth,” Spider warned.

  “Dear old dad had the cops hot on our heels, but I couldn’t risk getting caught. I was on thin ice with my current family and I did not want a new one,” Dane said, staring directly at me and using air quotes around the word “family.” I knew what he meant, but I don’t know how many other people around the table knew his history and I was sure he didn’t want to get into it.

  “So Dane outran the cops,” Spider interrupted, “and we all lived happily ever after.”

  “You never got caught?” Stacey asked. I glanced over at her and noticed that her hand had somehow found its way to Ant’s back pocket. I sure hoped she was copping a feel and not trying to pickpocket him.

  “Nope,” Spider replied. “Dane drove like a bat out of hell, the cops never got a look at us, and we ditched the car in a lake not too far away. We had to walk home but it was totally worth it. I had never seen anyone drive like that before in my life. I knew Dane had a talent and I was hell bent on seeing him use it to the fullest extent that he could.”

  “What he means,” Dane ex
plained, “is that he likes the danger that comes with racing. He knew someone who knew someone and got me into my first street race.”

  “I made you two hundred bucks and got you the lucky watch that you wear to this day,” Spider said, shooting a look of anger at Dane. Spider turned his eyes to us and elaborated. “Every time he races, he wears that watch. He never wears it on days he doesn’t race and he won’t do a race without it. Once the battery stopped working and he had to get it fixed that very second. We were almost late for a major road rally.”

  Spider turned back to Dane and said, “I don’t know why you’re making it sound like I ruined your life. You’re being a little bitch, Dane, and I’m getting sick of it. Ever since you came here, you’ve changed. You better snap out of this attitude of yours. I’m not fucking around.”

  Dane finished another beer and slammed it on the table. He already had a pile of four empty ones sitting in front of him. If he kept that up, I didn’t want to see what shape he’d be in later.

  Dane reached for my hand and led me to the dance floor. I eagerly followed him, hoping this would give me the chance to find out what was really going on.

  He pulled me into his arms, not caring one bit that this was a fast rock song and nothing remotely close to a slow dance.

  “Dane, what’s wrong? I have to assume that you and Spider are best friends even though nothing I’ve seen since he arrived last night gives me any reason to think that. He seemed decent on the phone and you were always so relieved after you talked to him. Can you tell me what’s the matter? I’m worried about you.”

  “Please believe me when I say that it’s nothing you did, Izzy. You have to know that. It’s not you. I’m pissed at Spider, but I can’t talk about it right now. I can’t get into it. I don’t want to think about anything but the way you feel in my arms. I just want to enjoy this night with my girl. You look beautiful. There’s no one I would rather be with right now. Not one fucking person on this planet. Just you. Just me and you. Right now.”

  Dane was mumbling and I wanted to ask him how drunk he really was, but I couldn’t get the words out. He was swaying to the music and staring at my face, as if he were trying to memorize it. His hand came up and he gently brushed it across my cheek.

  “My Izzy. Mine. You’re my Izzy. Remember that. No one else’s. Okay? Please? Please don’t hate me. All this will make sense someday, okay? I promise. I don’t ever make a promise I can’t keep. Always remember that, Izzy. Will you always remember that?”

  “Dude. You’re freaking me out. I have no idea what you’re talking about. How much have you had to drink?”

  “Too much. I drank too much on an empty stomach. It doesn’t matter. I still know what I’m doing. You mean everything to me and I won’t be forced to choose between the past and the future. I can’t spend my life living for someone else. I have to live it for me.”

  “Dane, you’re not making any sense. What are you talking about?”

  “It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters anymore. There is no right choice. It all leads to heartbreak. I can’t win no matter what I do.”

  “Do you always get all angsty when you drink? Is that what this is?” Maybe he was a sad drunk. At least he wasn’t a mean drunk. Winter was a funny drunk. She always tapped her teeth with her fingernail and said, “I can’t feel my teeth! Can you feel your teeth? Do teeth have a feel?”

  He rested his head on my shoulder and took a deep breath, running his nose all along the side of my neck. I didn’t have to wait long for an explanation on that. Unfortunately.

  “You smell amazing, Izzy. I want to take a pair of your panties so I can smell you all day long, every day. I want to get you wet and rub your panties all over your pussy, so the friction drives you crazy. Back and forth, scraping against your magic spot until you scream my name and come all over my hand that’s holding your underwear. I’ll put them in my pocket and take them out when I get horny and I’ll jerk off with them in my hand. It’ll be like I’m fucking your pussy, but I’m really not. But I sort of am. Because it’s you and your smell and my hard cock touching your underwear. Fuck yeah. I’m gonna do that. Just as soon as we get home.”

  I guess I have to give him points for creativity, right? Maybe he goes from a depressed drunk to a horny one? Maybe Drunk-Dane has different stages of drunkenness. Interesting. I guess I can join in with the sexy talk.

  “After we get home, you can go into my panty drawer and pick out any pair that you want. I have a silky red pair with your name on it. How about if I wear nothing but that thin pair of red underwear and I take your long stiff dick into my mouth and suck on it like it’s a popsicle that I don’t want to melt? How about if I lick it and suck it and deep throat that thing until you can’t stand it anymore? After you explode, I’ll let all your hot man juice fill up my mouth until it dribbles down my chin. Do you know how wet that would make my red panties, Dane?”

  I can’t believe I just used “hot man juice” in a sentence, but I really felt like I was on a roll. One look at Dane’s face confirmed that. His eyes had a very glassy, faraway look like he was envisioning that entire scenario.

  “Fuck yeah. I need your hot wet mouth around me, Izzy. I need it.”

  “Okay, that sounds good. We’ll have to do that later. Maybe we should go back to the table now?” I felt sort of guilty for being a prick-tease, but there’s no way I was doing anything to him at the present time. Monica was in crazy mode, Spider was an ass and maybe trying to hit on Winter, and I still had to prevent Stacey from whatever she was trying to do with Ant. My hands were full right now and, unfortunately for Dane, not with his giant throbbing penis.

  I took him by the hand and led him back to the table. He adjusted his pants to a more comfortable position and sat down on a bar stool.

  “Later?” he asked me while grabbing a fresh beer off the tray.

  “Sure,” I replied. There was no way he was going to be able to do anything later if he kept drinking.

  “This music is total crap,” Spider commented from across the table.

  “I’m sure you could do better?” Winter asked, throwing out a challenge.

  “Yes, of course I can. However since I have no band with me and I’m sure these guys aren’t going to let a complete stranger onstage, I have no way of proving it to you,” Spider replied.

  “I have to use the bathroom,” I said, interrupting the brewing tension between Winter and Spider. I was hoping someone would offer to go with me, so I could have girl gossip time with Winter or Monica or even Stacey. No one said a word. Since I really did have to pee, I struck out on my own. I wasn’t by myself for long.

  I heard a voice say, “Izzy, wait,” after I got halfway to the bathroom. To my surprise, it was Spider.

  “Can we talk for a second?” he asked.

  “Yeah, I think that’s a good idea. Why are you fighting with Dane? And why were you all joking around and so nice to me on the phone before we met, but now that you’re here in person you’re treating me like I’m toxic? I don’t understand what I did to offend you.” It’s about time for some answers.

  “Because I see the way that he acts around you. Dane’s never been that serious about anyone before. I don’t want him throwing his whole life away for some random chick he just met. I’m the only one who gives a fuck to look out for him. I’m all he has.”

  “No, you’re not. Not anymore,” I said. Couldn’t he see how I felt about his friend? That I sincerely cared about Dane and I would never do anything to hurt him?

  “He’s not staying here, you know,” Spider replied. “Sooner or later, he WILL come back to Chicago.”

  “Why? I need him more than you do,” I confessed.

  “I doubt that,” he responded. “Look, Izzy. I’m not trying to be an asshole. You don’t know the whole situation with me and Dane. It involves a lot more than blowing up shit in chemistry class and outrunning the cops, okay? We go way back and it’s not a very happy story.
We’ve both gotten each other through some miserable times. It’s nothing you’d understand.”

  “Try me. I’m not all roses and sunshine, you know. Oh wait, you don’t know. Because you never took a second to find out anything about me. You just took one look at me and decided I was a dumb bitch not worthy of your friend.”

  “He’s more than a friend to me. He’s like a brother. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t be here right now! I’d be dead!” Spider exclaimed. “You don’t know shit about ME, either.”

  Spider looked around, seemingly trying to decide if he should tell me more or not. He shook his head and continued, “I don’t know why I’m telling you all this because it’s really none of your fucking business. You know what else happened that first day when my dad had to pick me up from detention after the science class incident? He was none too happy with me for getting into trouble. Dane saw him grab me and shove me in the car. Dane put two and two together and figured out who gave me the bruises that covered my arms the next day. But he didn’t say anything. He understood what it’s like to have a fucked up home life. Dane had a job at a convenience store that his foster family owned. I went to the store to get a rise out of him and I stole money from the cash drawer when he had to clean up the mess I made pouring out bottles of soda on the floor. Why was I such an asshole? Because I didn’t like Dane knowing about my dad and his little tantrums and I wanted to punish Dane. Instead of calling me out on it, Dane cleaned up my mess and put his own money back in the cash drawer so I wouldn’t get in trouble. He never said a word to anyone. A few weeks later we were at a huge house party at the mansion of the most popular girl in school. Her parents were gone for the weekend and she invited everyone to come over. I guess she wanted to have the most legendary party ever thrown or something stupid like that. Word spread like wildfire and every punk kid within a hundred mile radius was there. I’m talking about the kind of guys that you did NOT want at your house. Booze was flowing like water and drugs were passed around left and right. I had a bad day and got in a fight with my dad over something dumb. I decided I was done here. Done living. I wanted out. So I gathered up as many pills as I could find and took them all at once. I staggered into the girl’s back yard and figured I would just pass out and not wake up. Fate had other plans. I guess it wasn’t my time yet. Evidently Dane saw me take the pills and he followed me to see what would happen next. He confronted me and I told him to fuck off, to just let me die in peace. Dane punched me in the stomach, got me in a headlock, and shoved his finger down my throat to make me puke. I barfed up every single pill I took. That was the worst I have ever felt in my entire life. Do you know why he helped me?”