by Dalia Wright
Ruby had been hearing that for years. Since as long as she could remember. When she was little she hadn’t even been allowed to play with the boys. Then it would be only some members of the community that deatt wouldn’t let her be around- the ones who were too English. Ones who went to the English world often, even if it was just to make a living.
Ruby stared blankly at the ground. She could feel tears well up in the corner of her eyes. She couldn’t bring herself to say anything, so she just nodded. Nee. I can’t let them take my friend away. I can’t let them take Emma away from me. She’s all I have.
Ruby took a deep breath, fighting back the urge to cry. She would not shed a tear in front of her parents.
“This isn’t fair!” Sarah protested. “What about my friends? What will I tell them? Will I not have any friends?”
Ruby could hear the tears in her sister’s voice. She took a deep breath, reaching out and touching her sister’s shoulder gently.
“I can’t believe you’re doing this to me!” The young girl shouted, ripping her arm away from Ruby and storming off. Ruby opened her mouth, ready to call her sister back, but closed it. The girl needed to express herself. Ruby had never felt confident to fully express herself, and she never wanted her sister to feel the way that made her feel.
She took a deep breath, turning back to her parents.
“Will you throw a temper tantrum as well?” Her father raised an eyebrow.
“Nee.” Ruby held her head high. She would not, but she did know that she would go see Emma tonight. And maybe even let her convince me to try on skinny jeans.
Knowing their time was limited, Ruby wanted to take advantage of every second she could with her friend. She managed to convince her parents that it would not be a good idea to just up and stop talking to Emma. Instead, she convinced them it would be best for the two girls to start talking less and less – that way she would be able not to let guilt consume her. Ruby’s mother was quick to agree, and the look on her face gave it all away. She felt bad for what they had told their children. But Ruby knew that if that was what her father wanted then there would be no point in anyone trying to fight with him on it.
“I can’t believe they are doing this to you!” Emma sounded beyond angry.
“I’m sorry,” Ruby whispered softly, shame overwhelmed her. “I just couldn’t bear for you not to know the truth.”
“I understand.” Emma reached out and touched her best friend’s shoulder.
“You will not hold it against me?”
“Nee.”
“Danka, I do not know what I did to deserve such a gutfriend,” Ruby paused, taking it all in. She took a deep breath, her heart skipping a beat as she opened her mouth to say something. “Now come on, let’s go try on some skinny jeans.”
Emma’s eyes widened. “Wait, are you…”
“I thought I could go out with you tonight.” She shrugged. If she was going to break her father’s rules not to see Emma, then she mid as well just go out into the English world with her.
Chapter Two
Ruby stared wide-eyed at everything. Her heart raced as she and Emma padded towards the car that was waiting for them.
“These people are your friends?”
“Jah.” Emma sounded proud.
Ruby forced herself to take a deep breath and relax. Things will be just fine. She told herself. The doors opened and a group of people stepped out.
“Emma!” A girl squealed. She pulled Emma into her arms and hugged her tightly. She pulled away; even in the darkness, Ruby could see the girl giving her a once over.
“Jamie, I hope you don’t mind me bringing a friend with me.”
“Of course not.”
Ruby wasn’t all that good at reading people, but she got the feeling that this girl was lying. Nonetheless she smiled.
“D-” her heart skipped a beat. “Thank you.”
Relieved she’d managed to catch herself and avoid looking like a total outcast, Ruby’s smile widened.
“Well, come on. The others have been itching to go up to the park.” Jasmine turned on her heel, heading back for the car.
As they headed towards the car, the doors opened and several people stepped out. Ruby’s heart raced as she took a deep breath trying to stay calm. This was a mistake, she thought as everyone greeted Emma with hugs.
“Hi.”
Ruby turned to see who had spoken to her. Even in the pale light of the moon she could see the bright blonde of his hair. He gave her a wide smile, showing a line of perfect white teeth.
“Hi,” Ruby stammered.
“So, you’re one of Emma’s friends, right? One of her Amish friends.”
“Yes.”
The boy looked her up and down slowly before extending his hand to her. “It’s nice to meet you, I’m Adam.”
They fell into step with one another as the rest of the group started out. They said they were going up to a hill, Ruby thought as she followed them. Her heart raced. She was actually doing this. She was actually out in the English world. She would experience the English world, and there was nothing her father could do about it. As long as he doesn’t find out.
Ruby’s shoulders tensed. If he went to check her room, or if her sisters woke up, she’d be found out. What would he do to me?
Ruby felt fear prick her lower back.
A warm hand comforted her, fingers wrapping around her forearm.
“So, is this your first time?” Adam asked.
Ruby nodded, words escaping her. She took a deep breath.
“Don’t worry, it all gets normal pretty quick.” He reassured her.
His warm fingers still wrapped around her arm drifted down her body, moving towards her fingers. Their fingers tangled together, making Ruby’s heart skip a beat. Almost stumbling over her own feet, Ruby worked hard to keep calm. Adam’s fingers firmly against her felt better than anything she’d ever felt. Her heart raced and she could feel a thin bead of sweat work over her lower back as they kept walking, but she knew the sweat wasn’t from the walk. She was used to much harder work than a short walk.
“What made you decide to join us today?”
“I just… thought it might be fun.” The truth is, Ruby wasn’t exactly sure what had made her come out with Emma, but she had decided to- maybe it had been an act of Gott. That is what she wanted to tell herself, though she wouldn’t dare tell the boy holding her hand that. He’d probably laugh if he knew that was what she thought.
“I’m sure we’ll have lots of fun,” his eyes sparkled as he moved closer to her.
Ruby’s heart skipped a beat. He was standing so close to her that she could smell him. She took a deep breath, his scent comforting her.
The group came up to a stop at the top of a hill. Ruby could hear the sound of waves crashing somewhere around them. She could smell the water, but that wasn’t what she cared about. The group all began to sit down, except for Adam. He headed over to a friend. She couldn’t hear what they said to each other but his friend handed him something.
Adam made his way back to Ruby, a grin on his face. “I got you a present.”
Ruby raised an eyebrow as he held out a small white stick between two fingers. Ruby caught Emma watching her. What should I do? She asked her best friend silently. Emma gave her a soft nod as if answering her question. Ruby smiled, feeling a little more confident than she had since she’d slipped out of the bedroom window earlier this night.
“Come on,” Adam inclined his head, motioning for them to keep walking even though everyone else had taken a seat. “I hope you don’t mind being alone. I thought it might be nicer than having a whole crowed.”
“I don’t mind at all.”
They sat down together on the other side of the hill.
They spent hours just talking and getting to know each other, and Ruby found herself telling him things she’d never told anyone. There was something about him. Something that made her feel safe.
“I’ve had such a good
time with you.” She admitted.
“Same,” he moved closer to her, his hand reaching out and touching her hips gently. He moved closer, until they were an inch away. Ruby’s heart skipped a beat as her eyes locked on his. “I wish tonight didn’t have to end.”
Without warning his lips brushed hers gently. Ruby’s heart skipped several beats as his fingers tangled into her hair gently. He pulled away from him, just enough for his lips to no longer be touching hers. His forehead rested against hers.
“I’m sorry, I hope I didn’t-”
“No, you didn’t. I…” liked it. Though she couldn’t bring herself to say it out loud.
She wanted him to kiss her again though; she knew that.
After a couple seconds, their eyes locked on each other’s, and he still hadn’t tried to kiss her again. He didn’t, so Ruby leaned forward, their lips meeting.
His free hand reached out, tracing over the curves of her body as he guided her down, her back hitting the grass.
“Don’t worry,” he whispered. “I’ll take care of you.”
Ruby sank into Adam’s embrace, his words filling her heart and bringing butterflies to her belly. His teeth grazed her lower lip gently. A soft moan passed through Ruby’s lips. Her cheeks flushed as heat rushed through her body. She’d never felt like this before. But it feels so gut. She wanted to feel more.
As if reading her mind Adam’s hand slipped up her shirt. Rub’s heart raced. He pulled away from her, his eyes sparkling as he settled down between her legs. Ruby was not even dating, but she was not a fool. She knew what Adam wanted from her. Is this Gott’s plan? She asked herself. Had Adam been sent to her?
His lips touched hers as his fingers undid her jeans. Ruby raised her hips, helping him get her jeans off her.
Her heart raced. Gott, please show me this is the right choice.
Chapter Three
“Danka for tonight.” Ruby said as her and her best friend made their way back to their homes.
“Adam seemed to want you all to himself.” She knew Emma was prying.
“I had a gut time with him. I… I know most people would laugh at me, but I feel like he was sent to me, Emma. I feel like he was part of Gott’s plan for me.”
Emma stared at her with wide eyes. “Do you think he will join the community? I mean, you’re not going to leave it, are you?”
“Nee, I won’t. If Gott truly did mean for Adam and I to meet, then things will work out.” Ruby had total faith in Gott’s plan for her and she would not doubt in him, even for a second.
“You have such faith.” For a split second it sounded like Emma was almost jealous of Ruby’s unblinking faith. Ruby’s cheeks flushed, though Emma wouldn’t be able to see it in the moonlight.
“I was raised around it, more than anyone else.”
Being the preacher’s daughter would do that. It also meant that she had to set an example for the other daughters. An example that didn’t involve her sneaking out to meet English boys.
Ruby’s cheeks flushed. Would Emma judge Ruby if she told her best friend what she had done with Adam? Would Emma tell on her? Or had Emma done the same things as Ruby?
Ruby didn’t dare ask. To ask Emma to give that away was unfair. I wish I knew. Ruby knew that what she had done had been wrong. It had been something she should have waited until marriage for, but… If it was Gott’s plan that Adam and I meet everything will work out.
“Well, I’ll see you tomorrow,” Emma said as they came to a stop where they would go their own separate ways.
The two girls embraced, holding each other tightly before pulling away and heading to their own homes. Ruby’s heart raced as she came to a stop in front of the window. She stripped outside, knowing that no one would see her. She stared down at her body. In a way she felt different. She felt like a woman. She felt like a whole different person.
Her hands traced over the curves of her body. Touching where Adam had touched her. She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath as she thought about the way she had felt.
Slipping into her dress and folding the English clothing Ruby slipped back through the still open window. She padded quietly to her bed and lay down, closing her eyes.
Over a month had passed since Ruby had seen Adam, and although he told her that he would send letters with Emma, they never came. When Ruby asked Emma about it she would look away and say that she hadn’t seen him. Ruby didn’t dare call her on the lie. She didn’t dare ask why Emma would hide the details from her.
Lying in her bed, tears rolled down her cheeks as she stared at the blank wall. She had been so sure that Adam had been part of Gott’s plan for her. So sure that they were meant to be together. And now… now this was happening. Now she was alone. What will I tell Maemm and Deatt? Would she be shunned? What am I thinking? Of course I will be.
“Girls!” Her father called.
Ruby’s heart skipped a beat. She sat up, wiping the tears away from her face. She stood, catching sight of herself in the mirror. She looked away, disgusted by the reflection that met her. She took a deep breath, forcing herself to put one foot in front of the other, heading for the main room where your father wanted her.
She stopped as soon as she stepped into the room. Her eyes moved past her father towards the dark-haired boy standing in behind him.
“Girls,” her father cleared his throat as everyone looked at the boy. “This is Luke. He will be staying with us for a while.”
“Why?” Sarah asked, with no regard for personal questions.
Their father’s brow furrowed.
Luke cleared his throat, stepping forward. “Your deatt was kind enough to allow me to stay here while I explore your community.”
Ruby’s brows furrowed. Why was he exploring the community? He spoke and looked like he was raised Amish, which meant he already had his own community. Was he shunned from it? Or was he the one choosing to leave it? And if so, why?
She wasn’t going to ask. She knew it wasn’t her place to. If Luke needed somewhere to stay, then they would provide him with somewhere to stay. She stepped forward, giving him a soft smile. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“And you.”
The two girls got a quick snack ready as they gave Luke some time to settle in and their father went back to work on the farm. Sarah excused herself, heading back out to the garden as she smiled widely at Ruby.
As she heard Luke come towards her, Ruby’s heart skipped a beat. She spun to see him there, his black jacket off revealing a thin white shirt that didn’t hide the muscles he’d gained from working in the farm at his old community.
“Here,” she said, and she handed him a glass of water.
“Danka.” He took it from her, his fingers brushing her for a split second as their eyes locked. Heat blazed from his finger tip, rushing through her body. A feeling Ruby recognized from the night she had spent in the English world. Ruby’s cheeks burned as she looked away, guilt and shame tugging at the pit of her stomach. Making her want to throw up. Or maybe that wasn’t the guilt and shame.
Ruby forced her feet to move, pacing back to the counter where she had left a slice of apple pie, baked last night. She picked it up and padded over to the table with it, placing it down in front of him.
“Are you not eating?” He asked, looking her up and down.
“Nee.” Eating right now may result in her throwing up. Ruby forced a smile over her lips. What am I going to do?
If anyone found out about her she’d be shamed, shunned, or worse. Her father was the preacher of the community. If she shamed him he would never be able to find work again. He would never forgive her.
I’d be better off dead to them.
She knew it was the truth, too. Which just made it worse. Ruby knew there was only one thing she could do. She would have to leave home. The hard part would be doing it without anyone realizing. As soon as she left, everyone would grill Emma, so Ruby had to be sure that Emma wasn’t involved at all – otherwise she would be caugh
t lying, which could destroy her life. Nee, I can’t do that to her.
Her stomach turned.
Ach nee. Ruby jumped to her feet, her stomach tuning. She took a deep breath. “If you’ll excuse me.” She gave a quick nod and rushed out of the kitchen as fast as she could without making it look like she was running.
Fifteen minutes later Ruby stepped out of the bathroom, her face covered in a thin bead of sweat and her stomach not feeling any better than it had when she’d started throwing up. She took a deep breath of fresh air as she stepped outside and padded towards the garden.
“You took your time.” Sarah said.
“I’m sorry.”
Ruby dropped down onto her knees beside her sister, and the two women continued plucking weeds out of the vegetables that would help feed them throughout the winter.
“Nee, don’t worry. I thought you might take a while. I hoped you would, at least.”
Ruby’s brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, Luke’s about your age, isn’t he?”
Ruby stared blankly at her sister. “Jah, he seems like he might be.”
“So…” Sarah’s hands waved in the air, as if trying to connect the dots without saying a word. “Why do you think deatt offered to let him stay here?”
“Because deatt is a kind man?”
“Nee, Ruby!” Sarah blew out a breath of frustration. “Because you will be needing a husband soon, and for some reason you have not showed interest in a single man here.”
Ruby’s brow knitted together deeper. “I doubt deatt would try to set me up with someone. If he wanted me married, he would just pick someone for me and we’d be done with it.” Ruby shrugged, trying to pretend it didn’t matter. But she couldn’t stop thinking about the human being growing inside her. Now no man will want to marry me. Even in the English world she might never find a man who would accept both her and her child.
