by Dalia Wright
Will I come back to my shtamm when all is said and done? When she found a husband and settled down, would she come back and try to restore bonds with her family?
She took a deep breath, knowing that there was no way her family would forgive her for what she would have to do. But it is better than shaming the whole shtamm. As hard as it would be on her, and her family, she would leave.
Ruby turned her attention to the weeds in front of her, her fingers digging into the cold soil as she tried to get as much work done as she could, grabbing the weed at the root and pulling.
“I think you two would make a very cute couple.” Sarah said.
Ruby scuffed. “That is not what a woman should be concerned about when looking for someone to marry. She should be worried about his character. Who he is as a human being, and how he will provide for the family.”
Sarah shrugged but didn’t say a word.
Ruby knew that she was right, he was cute. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Your parents raised you better than to be vain. She told herself. She knew it was true, and that she couldn’t let herself be vain. She couldn’t let herself fall into that temptation.
The two girls finished their gardening quickly, and when they arrived back at the house, there was no one to be seen.
“I’m going out.” Sarah said.
“Where?”
Sarah turned to her sister and gave her a soft smile. “I won’t tell you – that way you won’t feel like you have to lie if deatt asks where I am.
Ruby’s jaw dropped. Her sister had always been the type to do whatever she wanted, even if her parents didn’t fully approve of it. Ruby had to admit, although she was proud that she had always did what her parents had told her, she was a little bit jealous that her sister had such a strong will to do what she wanted. One day, she will break deatt’s heart, she thought, though she didn’t dare voice it. She gave her sister a smile.
“Have fun. And don’t worry, I won’t tell on you.”
Ruby didn’t make it a habit to lie to her parents, but she would this one time, for her sister. This one time she would disobey her father.
“What if deatt asks you?” Sarah raised an eyebrow.
“He won’t be able to. I’m going for a walk and won’t be home for at least an hour.”
Sarah’s smile widened, understanding what her sister was saying. As long as Sarah was back before Ruby got home she wouldn’t be asked about it, and Sarah could come up with her own lie.
“Danka.”
Sarah pulled her older sister into a tight hug and rushed out the door.
“That was kind of you.”
Ruby’s heart skipped a beat. She spun to see who had spoken to her. Her hand raised to her lips and a dark blush covered her cheeks.
“L-Luke.” She stammered.
He smiled. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell either. Actually, I was wondering if you would like company on your walk, though.”
“That would be nice.”
The two headed out the door, just as her father made his way up the path. He stopped, looking them over then smiled. Ruby returned his smile, her heart racing. Would he have time to ask where Sarah had gone?
Together she and Luke made it past the small gate that lead away from their house and headed for the river bank.
“Have you settled in?” She asked.
“I have. Your home is very welcoming.”
Ruby smiled. The sun beat down on them, warming her skin under the dress she wore.
“I know this is a rude question, but-”
“I was sick of it,” he said, cutting her off. “Back home, I mean. It’s not that there was anything wrong with it. I just needed somewhere else to go. Somewhere else to explore.”
Ruby smiled, she liked listening to him talk. Without realizing what she was doing her hand moved to her stomach, resting on her belly.
“It is nice here, though,” he said looking around.
They made their way closer to the riverbank. “Did you not want to go to the English world?” Most people their age would have if they wanted to explore.
“Nee, I’ve known since I was little that the English world isn’t for me,” he smiled widely, proud of that fact.
Ruby’s own smile widened.
“What about you?”
“Me? Ach,” she realized what he was saying. “Nee, the English world isn’t for me.”
That was what he father had always told her. And repeating those words… she knew it was true, but what else would she do?
Ruby knew that soon the Amish world wouldn’t be for her, and when that happened she would be shunned. She would be cast out.
No, the only option to save her family was for her to leave, whether they realized what was going on or not.
Ruby took a deep breath. Emotion overwhelmed her, threatening to escape through the corner of her eye. She blinked back a tear and took a deep breath as they made their way towards the river bank.
“Growing up I used to love this place,” she said without thinking much about the fact she was talking. “It was the only place my deatt wouldn’t come look for me.”
“Did you like to spend a lot of time alone, then?”
“I did. I still do.” Ruby admitted. She paused, giving a soft smile to the man beside her.
They fell silent again as they continued to walk through the grass. It wasn’t a bad silence; it was comfortable above all else. Luke stepped towards her, closing the distance between them. Ruby’s heart skipped a beat. She took a deep breath. Is he trying to get close to me? Or had he just been trying to avoid a pothole that she hadn’t seen? Maybe a snake. I always run into people trying to avoid snakes. Yes, that was probably it. It was just a snake that had caused him to move closer to her. But he wasn’t moving away. Not that Ruby minded.
She felt her cheeks turn a deep shade of red. Maybe it wasn’t that he’d been trying to get away from something. Maybe he’s trying to get close to me. The idea frightened Ruby more than she wanted to admit. She took a deep breath and forced herself to focus on putting one foot in front of the other.
“Are you courting?”
His forwardness shocked her.
“N-nee.” Ruby stammered. She stared at him with wide eyes, why would he ask her that unless he wanted to court her?
A smile touched his lips. “Gut. I’d very much like to take you out. On a date.”
Ruby stumbled over her own feet, tripping. Warm hands reached out and touched her upper arm. She sucked in a deep breath, staring at the man who had saved her.
“Danka.” She said, utterly aware of how close they were to each other.
Luke’s eyes sparkled. “Should I take that as a ‘jah’ to a date?”
Ruby opened her mouth to protest. She knew she should turn him down. She would only hurt him if they got too close, but she couldn’t bring herself to say it. She couldn’t bring herself to say no to him. It’s simple, I’ve been saying nee my entire life. But that didn’t make it any easier on her right now.
“Jah.”
Her own voice shocked her. She knew she should have said no. She knew that would have been the right answer. What am I doing? Ruby took a deep breath, trying to figure out how she was going to get out of a date with a man who was staying at her house.
They fell silent again as they walked along the dirt road. I’m going to miss this. She knew in the English world the roads were paved. Fear tingled against the small of her back. She would be alone. She knew that Adam would never try to reach out to her, even if he did know what was growing inside her. Even if she did ever see him again, he would want nothing to do with her, and she knew that.
“You look sad. What is wrong?”
Luke’s voice shocked her, snapping her back to reality. She gasped turning to face him. “Ach, nothing.” She said a little too quickly.
Luke raised an eyebrow. “You suck at lying.”
Ruby swallowed down guilt. “I know,” she admitted. “The truth is, I was
just lost in thought.”
“You looked troubled.”
“You never have troubling thoughts?”
Luke laughed softly. “Gut point, I guess. But I’m here if you need to talk about anything.”
Ruby found herself smiling. “Danka, Luke. That means more than you’ll ever know.”
But she knew she couldn’t tell him what had been on her mind. She knew that he would never understand. He would tell her father. Or perhaps he would lose all respect for her- and somehow that felt like the worst of all the situations.
What is wrong with me? Ruby knew it was a crazy thought to have. That losing Luke, someone she had just met, would be more painful than losing her parents- her sister. Sarah is going to be heart broke. Maybe one day Ruby would be able to come back and explain herself. Maybe they would accept her back, but most likely not.
Chapter Four
That night passed quickly. When Ruby and Luke returned to the house dinner was ready, and after cleaning up after dinner and getting the nighttime chores done, Ruby was tired. She was beyond tried.
She excused herself and went to sleep. The next morning when she woke she walked out into the kitchen to see her parents and her sister packing a picnic basket.
Her mind raced trying to figure everything out. What was going on? Was there a community picnic today? Ruby’s heart dropped into the pit of her stomach. If there was that meant Emma would be there, and Ruby would have to find an excuse not to spend her time with her best friend, without making anyone question her or her parents.
Her mother looked up. “We’re heading out. When we’re away will you be sure to wash the floors?”
Ruby stared blankly at her mother. Ruby was to stay home? I’m not sure if I should be happy or not. She wouldn’t have to find an excuse not to see Emma, but why had they picked her to stay home?
“Jah,” Ruby stammered, realizing she still hadn’t said a word.
“See you later!” Sarah called before stepping out of the door and heading for the buggy waiting for them. Ruby’s heart sank into the pit of her stomach as she watched her family leave without her. She took a deep breath. I must not let myself be jealous. Jealously would not do her any good, it would only lead her one more step towards corruption. Is that really something I should bother worrying about? She knew she was past saving. She knew that Gott would never forgive her for what she had done, but she did not want to give up. Maybe it was his plan for me. She’d thought it dozens of times, but no matter how much she thought about it she couldn’t quite convince herself of it.
Ruby padded to the bath tub where some cold water sat, waiting to be used for the floors. Normally it was her mother who washed the floors each Saturday, but Ruby had her sister had been taught how to do it at a young age so they could help out.
Ruby’s stomach turned. She took a deep breath trying to refocus herself. Nee. I’m fine. She stood up, a funny taste in her mouth. Ach no. She was not fine and she knew it.
She rushed to the window, the closest thing to her, and got there just in time to feel her mouth open and her entire dinner exit her mouth.
She sucked in a deep breath, heaving.
Fingers tangled into her hair. A warm hand against her back.
Ruby tried to jerk away from the window, but the hand held her there.
“Relax, just get it all out.” Luke whispered softly.
Ruby’s heart raced. How am I going to explain this away? But she didn’t have time to think about it – another wave of nausea hit her just in time to warn what would happen next.
After ten minutes Luke still stood behind her, rubbing her back gently. She sucked in a deep breath, her mouth feeling disgusting. She pulled away and turned to face Luke. A smile touched his lips.
“Are you alright?”
“Jah. Danka… for…”
“You’re welcome.” He turned away from her and walked out of the bathroom. Seconds later he returned with a glass of water and handed it to her. Wasn’t he going to ask what had happened? Wasn’t he going to ask why she was sick?
Ruby’s heart raced. I didn’t want to leave already. She hadn’t wanted to leave her family. She hadn’t wanted to leave him.
Ruby took the water from him and drained the glass.
“How long?” He asked after she had quit drinking.
“W-what?”
“I grew up with three sisters.” He gave her a soft smile. “All of them were older than I, and all of them are married. With at least 3 kinder of their own. I’m not a dumb man. Of course, I could be wrong about you.”
“Nee,” Ruby’s cheeks burned, she felt tears well up in the corner of her eyes. “You’re not wrong about me.”
Confessing it, even just to Luke, felt… like a whirlwind of emotion. Guilt, relief, fear. Those were the biggest emotions spinning around inside her.
Luke nodded. “How long?”
“Just over a month, about.”
Luke nodded. Ruby noticed his eyes roam over her body.
“Are you alright now? I can clean, if you’d like.”
“Nee!” Ruby couldn’t ask that of him and she knew it. To ask him, a guest, to clean because of her sins would only damn her more. “Danka, but I am fine now. Are you not joining my shtamm on their picnic?”
“Nee, you deatt asked for me to do a little work in the garden. Although it didn’t take as long as he seemed to think it would.”
A smile touched his lips.
Ruby’s brow furrowed. It wasn’t like her father to ask someone else to do work for him.
“Of course, I didn’t realize you’d be stuck home.”
Then it all clicked. Ruby never washed the floor. Even though she’d been taught it was always Sarah who did it if their mother wasn’t feeling well enough to do it. A smile touched Ruby’s lips as she turned to face Luke, the boy she’d been left home with. Home alone.
“Relax for a while. I’ll prepare us a snack to eat outside, and once I am done the floors we can spend a little time together.”
He had asked her out yesterday. This could count as their date. If he would still go out with me, even after what he just saw.
Luke’s smile widened. “Sounds perfect, I’ll be waiting outside for you.”
She watched him walk away before turning to the bucket and filling it with water. He’d smiled when she suggested they eat together! Like what he had just seen, what he had just discovered about her, didn’t matter to him.
But will he tell deatt on me? She would have to find out, and if he would then she would have to be gone by the time her family got back from their picnic.
Panic set in. It made her heart race. It made her want to cry.
She took a deep breath, working quickly to prepare a small snack and set it by the door before she started on the floors. Although they were washed almost daily, it still took some scrubbing on her part to get everything as clean as it should be, but she was able to finish quickly and was soon stepping out into the fresh air.
Luke pushed himself off the front steps, coming to meet her as she reached down for the small basket that held their meal.
“Please,” he bent down and grabbed it. “allow me. You shouldn’t be carrying anything too heavy.”
His words sent a shiver down her spine. He was acting like he cared. Like it didn’t faze him what he had just found out.
Ruby stared at him with wide eyes. Doesn’t he care? But it didn’t seem like he did. It didn’t seem like he cared at all about what she’d done.
He stepped away from her, taking a few steps before turning back and looking at her.
“Well? Are you coming?”
“Uh, jah.” Ruby rushed forward, falling into pace with him as they made their way out of the garden and down the dirt road again.
They were quiet for a while, but Ruby couldn’t shake the fear that Luke would no longer like her. That he would no longer respect her, or that he would tell her parents on her.
“Are you going to tell my deatt?” She
blurted it out before even realizing it.
Luke turned to her, looking her over for a fraction of second. “Nee.”
“Y-you’re not?”
“Nee, I won’t tell on you. But, do you know what you’re going to do? You can’t just keep hiding it from them. Unless… are you…”
“Nee,” she didn’t need him to finish his sentence to know what he was asking. “I can’t. I’d never be able to live with it.”
Ruby stared off into the distance in front of them. She would feel his eyes on her still staring holes into her.
“So, what are you going to do?”
“I’ll leave. Soon, I just… I’m not ready yet, that’s all.” Ruby took a deep breath, trying to remain calm. It was hard to talk about, but she wouldn’t let that affect her. She wouldn’t let herself cry over this- not yet.
“You’re leaving?”
Did she heart hurt in his voice?
Ruby turned to the man she was walking with and gave him a soft nod. “I can’t stay. I won’t shame my shtamm by telling them. I won’t be shunned, that will shame them. So I’ll leave without telling anyone. You can’t tell anyone. Please, promise me you won’t.”
“I… I won’t… if that is what you really want.”
“It is.”
No, it wasn’t but Ruby couldn’t have what she wanted. She couldn’t stay here and have the baby. I could marry. But she would have to do it fast and she wasn’t sure she’d be able to find anyone that would marry her so quickly. No, Ruby only had one option and she knew it.
“I’ll miss you.” Luke admitted.
Ruby turned to him. His words were enough to send her over the edge, a tear rolled down her cheek. “I think I’ll miss you, too.”
She took a deep breath, sniffing back more tears and pointed towards the top of a hill. She pointed. “Why don’t we sit over there?”
“Jah, that looks like a nice place to sit.” But his heart wasn’t in it. He still sounded upset.
Guilt tugged at Ruby. This is what she’d be doing to everyone. Would her family really be okay without her? Would they worry? Would they try to search for her?
It didn’t matter. She’d take a bus far away. She’d make sure they couldn’t find her.
