Myth-Told Tales

by Robert Asprin

  “And we were able to work it out all because of your little pal here,” Nunzio said, patting me on the head.

  “Gleep!” I exclaimed, thanking him for recognizing my contribution.

  “Yeah, he kept circling the old boy and sniffing, until Dalhailey finally confessed how he did it, by bringing in a whole swarm of Goldbugs.

  Skeeve sat forward, his face alight with interest. “Goldbugs! I’ve never heard of them.”

  “I figured maybe not,” Guido said, producing a crystal vial. “So I brought you a few.”

  “King Petherwick was right all along that the problem was pest control,” Nunzio said. “He just didn’t know that it was his own minister who had infested the store with them. He kept the ones he was using for the night in a box, and let them loose within sniffing-range of the Treasury. Later, he held out a lure to get them back to the box. If we caught him walking around in the dark, well, he was just looking out for the king’s interests, or figuring out a new display that would advertise the merchandise. It was the perfect cover.”

  Skeeve examined the container. “Matt black, so you can’t see them in the dark even if they’re moving.”

  “Yeah, I don’t blame the Shutterbugs for missin’ ’em, or us, either. But Gleep spotted ’em. He brought ’em to us, but if Nunzio hadn’t known what they were, we might have missed the significance, since Gleep couldn’t explain to us.”

  “Gleep!” I said. My pet and I exchanged knowing gazes.

  Skeeve poured a few of the bugs out onto his palm. “They really eat gold?”

  Nunzio grinned. “They sure do. Then, if you wait long enough, they excrete it, too. It’s a slow way to make a fortune, but Dalhailey was plenty patient, and he had lots of bugs.”

  I snaked out my tongue and scooped a couple of the bugs off Skeeve’s palm.

  “Hey!” Skeeve said. “Those are my specimens!”

  CRUNCH! CRUNCH! CRUNCH!

  “But we got the confession outta Dalhailey too late. The bugs was already gone from the hiding place. Dalhailey wailed that one of his confederates musta gotten away with ’em. Petherwick filed a claim with Don Bruce to make his losses good. The Don wants shut of this guy so bad that he sent over a messenger with a strong box and a quit claim. We’re rid of King-Mart, but the Don is out the money. We’ll never get it back.”

  I felt the sensations of regurgitation beginning that I knew that small number of Goldbugs would trigger, on top of the vast number I had already eaten. I crouched at Guido’s feet.

  HUCK! HUCK! HUCK!

  “No, Gleep!” Bunny commanded. “Not on the rug!”

  Obedient to her wishes, I moved a few inches to the left. In a moment, I heaved up my prize at Guido’s feet. A steaming mass of molten gold the size of a prize pumpkin shimmered on the floor. I sat back on my haunches with a fragrant sigh.

  “Guess we know what happened to the Goldbugs,” Skeeve said, with a smile.

  “Gleep,” I said.

  “I take back anything I ever thought about this dragon of yours, Skeeve,” Guido said, patting me. “He’s smart.”

  Skeeve and I exchanged a secret wink. I settled down on the carpet with my head on his foot.

  MYTHING IN DREAMLAND

  By Robert Asprin and Jody Lynn Nye

  The dark green roof of the forest stretched out endlessly in every direction. To most, it would look like an idylic paradise. To me, it was a major problem.

  I gazed out over the massed pine trees, wondering what kind of wilderness we’d gotten stuck in. A few bare crests, like the one I was sitting on, protruded above the treeline, but they were miles away. None of it looked familiar, but no reason why it should. There were thousands of dimensions in existence, and I’d only been to a few.

  At the very least, it was an embarassement. Here I was, considered publicly to be a hotshot magician, the great Skeeve, utterly lost because I’d tripped and fallen through a magic mirror.

  I went through my belt pouch for the D-hopper. I was sure it was there somewhere. I wasn’t alone, of course. Behind me, my partner and teacher Aahz paced up and down impatiently.

  “I told you not to touch anything in Bezel’s shop,” the Pervect snarled. When a native of the dimension called Perv snarls, other species blanch. The expression shows off a mouthful of four-inch razor-honed fangs set in a scaly green face that even dragons considered terrifying. I was used to it, and besides, I was pretty much to blame for his bad mood.

  “Who’d have thought anybody could fall through a looking glass?” I tried to defend myself, but my partner wasn’t listening.

  “If you had paid attention to a single thing I’ve said over the last however many years it’s been . . .” Aahz held up a scaly palm in my direction. “No, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. Garkin, at least, should have warned you.”

  “I know,” I said. “It’s my fault.”

  “It’s just basic common sense when it comes to magik. Don’t eat anything that says “Eat me.” Don’t drink anything that says “Drink me.” And don’t touch Klahdforsaken magik mirrors with barriers around them that say “Don’t touch! . . . What did you say?” Aahz spun around on his heel.

  “I said I know it’s my fault. I was just trying to keep Gleep from eating the frame,” I explained, sheepishly.

  “Gleep!” the dragon beside me added brightly.

  “So why didn’t you tie him up before we went in?” Aahz said.

  “I did tie him up!” I protested. “You know I did. You saw me knot the leash around a post.” But we could both make an educated guess as to what had happened.

  My dragon was not allowed in most reputable places, or what passed for reputable at the Bazaar at Deva, the largest trading area anywhere in the multitude of dimensions. It often happened that unscrupulous Deveel shop proprietors ridded themselves of unwanted merchandise at a profit, by arranging for accidents to occur. Such as having a convenient fire during which time the owners have an unshakeable alibi. Such as leaving the door ajar while they just run next door to borrow a cup of sugar. Such as loosening the tether on a baby dragon whose reputation for clumsiness was almost as impressive as its masters’ reputation for magical skill and deep pockets. Said dragon would go charging after its beloved owner. Merchandise would start to hit the tent floor as soon as it entered. More goods, not even close to being in range of said rampaging dragon, would shatter into pieces. Outraged shopkeeper would appear demanding reimbursement at rates inflated four or five times their true worth. Unlucky customer would be forced to shell out or risk expulsion (or worse) from the Bazaar. All genuine valuables would have been removed from the shop ahead of time, of course.

  “Maybe one of Bezel’s rivals let him loose,” I suggested hopefully, not liking my skill at tying knots to be called into question.

  “What were you doing looking at that mirror anyhow?”

  I felt a little silly admitting the truth, but it had been my curiosity that had gotten us stranded out here. “Massha told me about it. She said this was a really great item. It shows the looker his fondest dream. . . . Naturally, I wanted to see if it was anything we could use in our business. You know, to scope out our clients, find out what it is they really want . . .”

  “And what did you see?” Aahz asked quickly.

  “Only my own dreams,” I said, wondering why Aahz was so touchy. “Daydreams, really. Me, surrounded by our friends, rich, happy, with a beautiful girl . . .” Although the mirror had been a little sketchy about the actual physical details I remembered vivid impressions of pulchritude and sex appeal.

  A slow smile spread over Aahz’s scaly features. “You know those dream girls, partner. They never turn out like you hope they will.”

  I frowned. “Yes, but if it’s your own dream, wouldn’t she be exactly what you want? How about yours? What did you see?”

  “Nothing,” Aahz said flatly. “I didn’t look.”

  “But you did,” I insisted, grabbing on to a fleeting memory of Aahz with an aston
ished expression on his face. “What did you see?”

  “Forget it, apprentice! It was a big fake. Bezel probably had a self-delusion spell put on the mirror to spur someone stupid like you into buying it. When you got home you’d have seen nothing reflected in it but Bezel’s fantasy of a genuine sucker.”

  “No, I’m sure the mirror was real,” I said thoughtfully. I knew what I’d daydreamed over the years, but those wishes had been piecemeal, little things now and again. I’d never had such a coherent and complete vision of my fantasies. “Come on, Aahz, what did you see?”

  “None of your business!”

  But I wasn’t going to be put off that easily.

  “C’mon. I told you mine,” I wheedled. Aahz’s wishes were bound to be interesting. He had seen dozens of dimensions, and been around a lot more than I had. “You probably have some sophisticated plan about an empire with you at the top of the heap. Hundreds of people begging for your services. Wine! Women! Song!”

  “Shut up!” Aahz commanded. But by now, my curiosity was an unignorable itch.

  “There’s no one around here for miles,” I said, and it was the truth. “Nobody could get up here in hearing range. They’d have to build a bridge to that next peak, and it’s miles away. There’s no one here but us. I’m your best friend, right?”

  “I doubt that!”

  “Hey!” I exclaimed, hurt.

  Aahz relented, looking around. “Sorry. You didn’t deserve that, even if you did make a boneheaded move by touching that mirror. Well, since it’s just us. . . . Yeah, I saw something. That’s why I think it’s a delusion spell. I saw things the way they used to be, me doing magik? Big magik? Impressing the heck out of thousands? No, millions! I got respect. I miss that.”

  I was astonished. “You have respect. We respect you. And people in the Bazaar, they definitely respect you. The Great Aahz! You’re feared in a hundred dimensions. You know that.”

  “It’s not like in the old days,” Aahz insisted, his gaze fixed on the distance, and I knew he wasn’t seeing the endless trees. “Time was we’d never have been stuck up here on a bare mountaintop like two cats on a refrigerator . . .”

  I opened my mouth to ask what a refrigerator was, then decided I didn’t want to interrupt the flow. Aahz seldom opened up his private thoughts to me. If he felt like he wanted to unload, I considered it a privilege to listen.

  “I mean, it ain’t nothing showy, but time was I could have just flicked my wrist, and a bridge would’ve appeared, like that!”

  He flicked his wrist.

  I gawked. A suspension bridge stretched out from the peak on which we were standing all the way to the next mountain. It was made completely out of playing cards, from its high arches down the cables to the spans and pylons that disappeared down into the trees. We stared at each other and gulped.

  “That wasn’t there before,” I ventured. But Aahz was no longer looking at the bridge or at me. He was staring at his finger as if it had gone off, which in a sense it had.

  “After all these years,” he said softly. “It’s impossible.” He raised his head, feeling around for force lines. I did the same.

  The place was full of them. I don’t mean full, I mean full. Running through the ground like powerful subterranean rivers, and overhead like highly charged rainbows, lines of force were everywhere. Whatever dimension we’d stepped into was chockablock with magik. Aahz threw back his head and laughed. A pretty little yellow songbird flew overhead, twittering. He pointed a finger at it. The bird, now the size of a mature dragon, emitted a basso profundo chirp. It looked surprised.

  It had nothing on me. For years I had thought only my late magik teacher Garkin could have removed the spell that robbed Aahz of his abilities. I didn’t know a dimension existed where the laws of magik as I had learned them didn’t apply. It seems I was wrong.

  Aahz took off running toward the bridge.

  “Hey, Skeeve, watch this!” he shouted. His hands darted out. Thick, fragrant snow began to fall, melting into a perfumed mist before it touched me. Rainbows darted through the sky. Rivers of jewels sprang up, rolling between hills of gold. I tripped over one and ended up in a pool of rubies.

  “Aahz, wait!” I cried, galloping after him as fast as I could. Gleep lolloped along with me, but we couldn’t catch him. As soon as Aahz’s foot hit the bridge, it began to shrink away from the mountainside, carrying him with it. He was so excited he didn’t notice. Once when I hadn’t really been listening he had told me about contract bridge. This must be what he meant. This bridge was contracting before my eyes.

  “Aahz! Come back!” I called. There was nothing I could do. Gleep and I would have to jump for it. I grabbed his collar, and we leaped into space.

  I was pushing with every lick of magik in my body, but we missed the end of the bridge by a hand’s length. A card peeled itself up off the rear of the span. It was a joker. The motley figure put its thumbs in its ears and stuck out its tongue at me, just before the bridge receded out of sight. I didn’t have time to be offended by its audacity, since I was too busy falling.

  “Gleeeeeeeep!” my dragon wailed, as he thudded onto the steep slope beside me. “Gle-ee-ee-eep!”

  “Gr-ra-ab so-ome-thi-ing,” I stuttered, as we rolled helplessly down the hill. Where had all those force lines gone? I should have been able to anchor myself to the earth with a bolt of magik. We tumbled a good long way until my pet, showing the resourcefulness I knew was in him, snaked his long neck around a passing tree stump, and his tail around my leg. We jerked to an abrupt halt. I hung upside down with my head resting on a shallow ledge that overlooked a deep ravine. We’d only just missed falling into it. As soon as I caught my breath, I crawled up the slope to praise Gleep. He shot out his long tongue and affectionately planted a line of slime across my face. I didn’t flinch as I usually did. I figured he deserved to lick me if he wanted to. He’d saved both of us.

  I studied my surroundings. If there was a middle to nowhere, I had unerringly managed to locate it. The remote scraps of blue visible through the forest roof were all that was left of the sky. Once my heart had slowed from its frantic “That’s it, we’re all going to die now” pounding to its normal, “Well, maybe not yet” pace I realized that the ledge we almost fell off was wide enough to walk on. I had no idea where it led, but sitting there wasn’t going to help me find Aahz or the jokers who had carried him off.

  “You lost, friend?” a male voice asked.

  I jumped up, looking around for its source. I could see nothing but underbrush around me. Out of reflex I threw a disguise spell on me and Gleep, covering my strawberry-blond hair with slicked-back black and throwing my normally round and innocent-looking blue eyes into slanted, sinister pits. Gleep became a gigantic red dragon, flames licking out from underneath every scale.

  “No! I’m just . . . getting my bearings.”

  A clump of trees stood up and turned around. I couldn’t help but stare. On the other side of the mobile copse was the form of a man.

  “Well, you sure look lost to me,” said the man, squinting at me in a friendly fashion. He was dressed in a fringed jacket and trousers, with a striped fur cap perched on his head and matching boots on his feet. His skin was as rough as bark, and his small, dark eyes peered at me out of crevices. Hair and eyebrows alike were twiglike thickets. The eyebrows climbed high on his craggy forehead. “Say, that’s pretty good illusion-making, friend! You an artist?”

  “Huh?” I goggled, taken aback. How could he have spotted it so readily? “No. I’m a master magician. I am . . . the Great Skeeve.”

  The man stuck out a huge hand and clenched my fingers. I withdrew them and counted them carefully to make sure none had broken off in his solid grip. “Pleased to meet you. Name’s Alder. I’m a backwoodsman. I live around these parts. I only ask because illusion’s a major art form around here. You’re pretty good.”

  “Thanks,” I said dejectedly. An illusion was no good if it was obvious. I let it drop. “I only
use it because I don’t look very impressive in person.”

  Alder tutted and waved a hand. “It don’t matter what you look like. It’s only your personality anybody pays attention to. Things change around here so often.” He lifted his old face, sniffed, and squinted one eye. He raised a crooked finger. “Like now, for example.”

  Alder was right. While I watched, his leathery skin smoothed out a little and grew paler. Instead of resembling a gnarled old oak he looked like a silver-haired birch instead. I was alarmed to discover the transformation was happening to me, too. Some force curled around my legs, winding its way up my body. The sensation wasn’t unpleasant, but I couldn’t escape from it. I didn’t struggle, but something was happening to my body, my face.

  “Gleep!” exclaimed my dragon. I glanced over at him. Instead of a blue dragon with vestigal wings, a large, brown fluffy dog sat looking at me with huge blue eyes. Once I got past the shock I realized the transformation really rather suited him. I pulled a knife out of my pocket and looked at my reflection in the shiny blade. The face looking back at me was tawny skinned with topaz-yellow eyes like a snake and a crest of bright red hair. I shuddered.

  “What if I don’t like the changes?” I asked Alder.

  Meditatively he peeled a strip of bark off the back of one arm and began to shred it between his fingers. “Well, there are those who can’t do anything about it, but I’m betting you can, friend. Seeing as how you have a lot of influence.”

  “Who with?” I demanded. “What’s the name of this dimension? I’ve never been here before.”

  “It ain’t a dimension. This is the Dreamland. It’s common to all people in all dimensions. Every mind in the Waking World comes here, every time they go to sleep. You don’t recognize it consciously, but you already know how to behave here. It’s instinctive for you. You’re bending dreamstuff, exerting influence, just as if you lived here all the time. You must have pretty vivid dreams.”