Bedpans, Teapots and Corpses (A Maggie and Irene Cozy Mystery Book 1)

by Kitty Margo

  As couples dropped out and the conga line ended, we grabbed a couple more brownies and another cup of fruit punch and joined in on a game of limbo. By that time everything was funny to us, even the mice that snuck up to the edge of the clearing looking for crumbs sent us into giggling fits of hilarity. Colors were brighter, movements were exaggerated, and voices were louder. Irene and I laughed until we cried, watching mosquitoes land on our skin and suck our blood. It was the funniest thing we had ever seen when we would slap one and its blood would spatter across our arm in a kaleidoscope of vivid colors.

  Natalie materialized before us. “You girls are high as a kite.”

  “Yeah.” I giggled reaching out to take her hand and pull her down beside me. That didn’t work? “That red punch packs a wallop.”

  “It’s not the punch, ladies.” Her arms were crossed over her chest as she shook her head like a teacher on the verge of scolding her students. “Those brownies you have been eating were laced with marijuana.”

  Irene actually fell off her log backwards she was laughing so hard. “You mean we have been eating pot brownies?’

  “Yes ma’am.” Was Natalie actually tapping her foot at us?

  Irene and I looked at each other and laughed so hard it was a struggle to catch out breath. When we did, I looked at Reese and giggled. “Why didn’t you tell me you sprinkled pot in your brownie mix?”

  “Because that would have been a lie. You don’t put actual pot in the brownie mix.” He grinned.

  “You don’t?” Irene asked.

  “No. First you must extract the THC from the plant and make either a butter or oil to use in brownies, or cake, or whatever purposes you find suitable.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes. A quality pot brownie requires considerably more effort than just sprinkling pot in the mixture, Maggie.”

  “Such as?” I might need the recipe for… um… future reference.

  “Well, first you must grind the marijuana into a powder. Then you spread the powder into a frying pan and add the amount of oil called for in your brownie recipe. Turn the burner on low until it starts to simmer and cook for at least 2 hours, 6 if you have the time to spare, stirring every 30 minutes with a wooden spoon. When done pour the oil mixture into a coffee filter and strain all the excess marijuana residue out and you will be left with a musky brown colored oil that makes perfect pot brownies.”

  Huh? Who knew?

  Then Natalie had to give us, two grown women, a lecture on eating things from people we don’t know. “Didn’t your mamas teach you anything about being wary of strangers?”

  Evidently more than her mama did. Ignoring her question, I got comfortable on my log and looked over to see Reese eyeing me curiously. “There is no one in front of you, Maggie. Yet, you just carried on a detailed conversation with someone. Who were you talking to?”

  Oh, shit. What to do? My mind was too buzzed to wrap itself around a lie. “I was talking to a ghost, Reese. Natalie, the ghost, was murdered last week and now she follows me everywhere I go.”

  My words gained his immediate attention. “So a spirit has attached itself to you.”

  “Apparently.”

  His eyes scanned the crowd searching for someone. “Would you like help in ridding yourself of the entity?”

  “Hey!” Natalie squealed. “Who is he calling an entity!”

  “No, Reese,” I was quick to say. No sense in hurting a dead girl’s feelings. “I promised to help solve her murder. But,” I added, “you can go ahead and tell me in case a ghost that I am not particularly fond of attaches to me.”

  “Sage,” Reese said.

  “Sage?”

  “Yes, ghosts hate sage. They can’t stand to be around it.”

  Natalie wasn’t buying it at all. “That buffoon is in for a rude awakening when he finds out that I love sage. I always had mama put extra in our cornbread and giblet dressing at Thanksgiving.” She cast an evil eye toward Reese. “Bring it on, big boy.”

  Reese returned with a fresh sprig of sage sealed in a plastic bag. He slowly unzipped the bag and whispered, “Watch this.”

  All of a sudden, we heard Natalie yelping and squealing as she streaked out of that clearing faster than a cat on a hot tin roof.

  “It really works,” I whispered, totally amazed.

  “Told you.” He winked.

  “Yet, this is apparently a temporary solution. Is there a way to get rid of a ghost permanently?” I asked out of curiosity.

  “I can’t answer that, but I can introduce to you to a witch doctor who can.”

  The first thing I noticed about the witch doctor was that she had an extra digit, or finger, on her left hand. Whatever it was didn’t have a bone in it and when she moved her hand it just flopped around. The second thing I noticed was that she was an Albino woman with very pale skin and golden eyes. “Good evening, ladies. My name is Marie.”

  “It’s nice to meet you, Marie.” I extended my hand cautiously, trying my best not to touch the extra appendage, then she reached for Irene’s. “I’m Maggie and this is Irene.”

  “How can I help you, Maggie?”

  I opened my mouth to speak when Reese said, “A ghost has attached itself to her, Aunt Marie.”

  “Reese, darling, you know I don’t normally mix work and pleasure.” Marie smiled and pinched his chubby cheek. “But I will make an exception this one time.” Then she looked at me with rheumy eyes. “This ghost. Did she die violently?”

  “Yes, very violently. She was decapitated and her fingers were cut off.”

  Marie shook her head at the senseless violence. “Her assailant didn’t want her to be identified.”

  “That’s what we think.”

  Marie took a seat beside me and reached for my hand. “So, you want me to help her cross over to the other side?”

  “Not right now.” I shook my head vehemently. “I promised to help her solve the mystery of her murder and Lord only knows what she will do if I renege on my word. Could you tell me how to help her move on after all this is said and done?”

  She was deep in thought a moment, eyeing me curiously. “Did the spirit that is following you cause all the commotion on the ship this afternoon?”

  “I’m afraid so.”

  “Then are you absolutely positive that you want to keep this poltergeist around? They are well known for shenanigans just such as this.”

  “Yes.” Did I? “For now at least.”

  “I understand.”

  Good, because I sure didn’t. “What if an entity comes that I don’t want to see? A malevolent spirit so to speak. Is there any way for me to stop seeing evil ghosts?

  “No, unfortunately I cannot stop them from coming to you. If they are determined to seek your help, they will find a way. You were born with a sixth sense, my dear, that most people don’t have. Yet, spirits can sense it. Did you have an imaginary playmate as a child?”

  “Yes, I did when I was in the third grade. However that was over forty five years ago. Why didn’t I see any ghosts from third grade until I was fifty when I had my first visit from my dead husband?”

  “Were you busy?”

  “Yes, I was burning the candle at both ends, working as a nurse and raising three sons.”

  “Then you were too busy to deal with the spirit world. However your husband is not the type to back down is he?”

  “No, Earl would never take no for an answer.”

  “He was determined to come through to you and that opened the portal for others to return as well.”

  I should have known. “So, this is all Earl’s fault?”

  “I’m afraid so.”

  “I wish I could get my hands around his neck.” Then another thought struck me. “Rusty, our classmate, looked surprised that I could see him when we went to view his body at the funeral home. I wonder how many times he sat up and said what’s up to other people before somebody finally returned his greeting?”

  “He probably didn’t sit up until
he saw you. Spirits know who has the sight and who doesn’t. They are drawn to you like a magnet. For that reason, you might as well accept the fact that you will probably continue to have visitations from the other realm.”

  “How do I get rid of the ones that I can’t help?”

  “It is out of your control, my dear. The spirits decide when to come and go.” Placing my hand in my lap, she reached out her hand for Reese to help her to her feet. “Light a candle and plant sage around your house. That should help.”

  “Thank you, Marie. You have been very helpful.” By then our high was wearing off and I was beginning to feel sleepy. “I guess we should return to our lounge chairs and try to get a few hours sleep before the sun comes up.”

  Marie nodded her head in agreement. “My bed is calling me as well.”

  “Can I pay you for helping me, Marie?”

  “When you go to board the tender tomorrow, there will be a lady at the dock selling beads. Please, buy some from her. She is my mother. It’s very hard to make a living on these islands.”

  “I certainly will. I will buy beads, a necklace, and even let her put a braid in my hair if she wants to.”

  “Thank you.” Marie covered a wide yawn with her hand. “Your generosity will be greatly appreciated.”

  Reese stepped up to show us a clear path through the woods, unlike the overgrown briar patch Natalie had led us through. “Thank you, Reese, for the great food and entertainment. It was fantastic.”

  “It sure was.” Irene giggled. “Everything is still a little loopy but I feel like I could sleep for a week.”

  We made our way through the path with no trace of Natalie, but when we got back to our chairs she was perched in the top of a coconut palm with her arms and legs crossed, mad as a bull. “Why didn’t you tell me sage would cause me to start fading?”

  “Fading?” How was I supposed to know?

  “Yes, it felt like I was being ripped apart at the seams,” she cried, none to happy with us. “I didn’t even know I could feel pain.”

  “I’m sorry. I had no idea that it would actually hurt you.” Poor thing. “I just thought it would smell bad or something.”

  “Well, now you know. So please don’t ever bring it around again,” she snapped. “Did you two high ass middle aged women enjoy the brownies?”

  “They were rather… tasty,” I supplied.

  “I’ll just bet they were. Of course you realize that you couldn’t even pass a piss test now, and you know marijuana remains in fat cells for three months and in hair follicles for years.”

  “I’m retired, remember.” I yawned. “I don’t have to deal with random drug tests anymore.”

  “And Miss Nellie wouldn’t care if I smoked pot around the clock as long as I keep her fed, dried, and rub lotion on her feet twice a day,” Irene added.

  By this time we had reached the beach and found ourselves so exhausted that those hard lounge chairs were actually comfortable. We were asleep in seconds.

  Chapter Twenty Five

  Irene

  The churning of helicopter blades woke us the following morning and the island was soon inundated with engineers, doctors, lawyers, and news crews from every country under the sun. It was impossible to sleep so we made up our lounge chairs as best we could and went to hear the latest announcement from the cruise director.

  Around 9:00am he announced that all passengers could return to the ship, however, the ship had not been cleared to sail. Therefore, our day would be filled with fun and games onboard an anchored ship. Man, people were grumbling and demanding a refund, but we were all thrilled when he announced that breakfast was now being served on the Lido Deck. Thank you for small miracles. I thought of a plate filled with bacon, eggs, grits, biscuits, coffee and a bowl of fruit and my mouth actually watered.

  He then announced that drinks would be free again today and that cut down on the complaining considerably, starting with mimosas at breakfast.

  By the time lunch was served, with long island iced tea to wash it down, the powers that be had ascertained that the ship was seaworthy and we were underway again. The rails were jammed as we all waved goodbye to the island, toasting one another, cheering that we were finally underway, and wondering aloud if we would all get a free cruise as repayment for our discomfort.

  The downside was that, from that moment on, we would have to start paying for our own drinks again. Are you kidding me? I had just slept on a lounge chair on a hot ass beach with sand wedged between every crack and crevice of my body and you tell me I have to pay for a drink to sooth my troubled soul? Come on!

  Regardless, after a delicious breakfast, and a few hours of dropping quarters into a slot machine in the casino, we found ourselves relaxing in lounge chairs on the Lido Deck watching the midday news on the big screen. Apparently the media was trying to convince the viewing public that the rocking had been caused by a microburst. Unfortunately it was obvious by the skeptical looks of the news anchors that no one was really buying their propaganda.

  “Look at that man in the blue swimming trunks ordering a drink at the bar,” Natalie whispered. “Does he remind you of anyone?”

  “Teddy Knox?”

  “Exactly!” She held up her hand for a high five. My hand went right through hers. “God, wouldn’t you hate to be trapped in a dark alley with Teddy?”

  “I would run like hell.” Probably to the nearest restroom in search of a roll of toilet paper. “Honey, that man just plain out gives me the creeps.”

  Natalie gave the man at the bar the evil eye. “He is forever stopping by our house, trying to convince my dad to sell him our land.”

  “What is it with Teddy Knox and land? He has spent the majority of his adult life trying to acquire more and more land by any illegal means necessary. Why does he feel the need to own the entire town?”

  “Dad said he has always had this weird obsession with owning land since they were in college. But you know, every since I was a little girl I have always had the strangest reaction to that man.”

  I had only ever had one reaction to Teddy Knox. Disgust. “What do you mean?”

  “No matter where I am, when I see him my heart starts beating faster, my mouth goes dry, and my hands perspire. The mere sight of him terrifies me beyond rhyme or reason.”

  “It’s common knowledge that Teddy Knox is a compulsive liar, meaner than a junk yard dog, and in general a menace to society. He drove his poor mama and daddy to the grave with his incessant begging for money to buy more land. They could just never say no to him. He would pitch a fit and carry on until one of them finally gave him what he wanted. In their later years that sweet couple had nothing left but their social security checks, and he probably got half of those.”

  “My dad has always believed that Teddy was behind the murders of Sam Harkey and Boney Lefler at the hardware store. You know, the police still haven’t solved their murder.”

  “Everyone I know believes that Teddy Knox was responsible for the deaths of those two upstanding Christian men.”

  “Dad said their murders were a prime example of overkill. Sam was shot several times, execution style, and his body was left in the trunk of his car for days before being found. Boney was tied to his bed and then set on fire.”

  Maggie added, “Teddy owned a couple of cut and sew manufacturing mills that had gone belly up. All his sewing machines were repossessed and he was evicted from his properties, so he was in a real bind a few days before the murders.”

  Natalie nodded in agreement. “Then he reported the sewing machines as stolen to the police, forgetting that the police were there the day the machines had been repossessed. I told you he was crazy.”

  “And then, miracles of miracles, a few short days after the murders he suddenly had a windfall of cash. Enough to buy his sewing machines back and put him right back in business before his employees had even drawn their first unemployment check. After that, it was the consensus in Pine View that Teddy Knox had been paid to kill Sam an
d Boney by the owners of the new hardware store that was struggling to get off the ground and about to go under.”

  “My dad surely believes that to be true. He said Teddy had the devil in him and could probably murder our entire community with a smile on his face.” She stood and walked through a couple to look over the rail. “He always warned me to stay away from him.”

  “I hope you heeded his sound advice, sweetie,” Maggie said softly.

  “I tried to.” Natalie almost choked on her words. “But one morning it was out of my control.”

  I didn’t like the sound of that. “What do you mean it was out of you control.”

  Her eyes clouded and filled with pain. “I was in the barn feeding the animals while my parents had gone to Hawaii for their 30th wedding anniversary. I glanced up when a shadow fell across the door to see Teddy Knox walking toward me. I had the strongest desire to run and hide but he had already seen me and I knew he would find me if I did, so I stood my ground.”

  “Was he sober?’

  “No, he had been drinking, but he wasn’t what I would call drunk. He knew exactly what he was doing.”

  I didn’t really want to know, but I asked anyway. “What did he do, Natalie.”

  “He tried to kiss me, but he totally disgusts me so I wiped my lips and spit, trying to get his nasty taste out of my mouth. That must have made him mad, because he shoved me to the ground. Next thing I know he was on top of me trying to unbutton my shorts.”

  Oh, dear God. “Please say he didn’t rape you.”

  “He would have, but he never got the chance. Suddenly we heard fierce barking and growling and Hudson comes charging into the barn like a knight on a white horse.” A smile flittered briefly across her face. “My sweet baby boy grabbed Teddy by the back of the neck, shook him a few times, and tossed him in the corner like a ragdoll.”

  I clapped my hands and cheered, “You go, Hudson!”

  “While Hudson had Teddy cornered, I grabbed a pitch fork and held it to his jugular and warned him that if he ever came near me again I would kill him.”

  “Good for you! What did he do then?”