Big Girl: A Novel

by Danielle Steel

  “It sounds like we have a live one here,” Harlan said, grinning at her. “And he passed the lamb chop test. Shit, Victoria, you’re in business.” She laughed and felt silly, and almost helped herself to a second piece of garlic bread to celebrate. John was a terrific cook, but she stopped herself. She really wanted to lose some weight, and she had good reason to do it now. She had a date!

  Their movie date on Friday was as much fun as the other two had been. And they met again on Sunday, for a walk in the park, and he held hands with her as they strolled along. They bought ice cream from a man with a hand truck rolling through the park, but she forced herself to throw it away before she finished. She had lost two pounds that week, and had been doing sit-ups every night in front of the TV. Even her shrink was excited about her budding romance, although Victoria hadn’t slept with him yet. He hadn’t tried, and she didn’t want to do that too soon. She wanted to be sure how she felt about him before she did, and that they had something real between them. She didn’t just want sex. She wanted a relationship, and Jack was beginning to seem like the perfect candidate for it, after four dates. They went back to her apartment on Sunday afternoon, and he met Bunny and Harlan, and was very nice to both of them. And they both liked him.

  October was the most exciting, hopeful month she’d had in years as she and Jack continued to see each other every weekend, and on the third weekend they went out, he kissed her. They talked about it, and both agreed that they wanted to wait a little while before they took the relationship to another level. They both wanted to be cautious and mature and get to know each other better before they took a major leap. It made her feel safe and comfortable with him, and not pushed beyond her limits. He was respectful of her, and every time they saw each other, they got closer and had a wonderful time. Victoria’s shrink fully approved.

  Victoria had told him a little about her parents, though not a great deal. She hadn’t told him about the tester cake remark, or being named after Queen Victoria, but she did say that they had never praised her, and were critical of her choice of career.

  “We have that in common,” Jack said to her. “My mother always wanted me to be a doctor, because her father was. My father still wants me to be a lawyer like him. I love being a teacher, and they warn me constantly that I’ll never make a decent living or be able to support a wife and kids. But other people do it, and this is what I want to do. When I went to MIT, my father thought I should at least be an engineer.”

  “My father says the same thing, minus being able to support a wife and kids. I guess no one congratulates anyone for becoming a teacher. It seems like an important job to me. We have a pretty major influence on kids.”

  “I know. People get paid five million bucks for hitting a baseball out of the park. But educating young people isn’t worth a damn thing to anyone, except to us. It’s a little sick.” They both agreed. They agreed on almost everything. And in early November things were heating up between them. They had been dating for just over a month, seeing each other once or twice a weekend, and Victoria could sense that they were going to sleep with each other soon. They were working up to it. She felt totally at ease with him, and was falling in love. He was a terrific guy, straightforward, honest, intelligent, warm, funny. He was everything she had ever dreamed of in a man, and as Gracie would have said, she thought he was cute. She had told her younger sister all about him, and she was thrilled, although Victoria had said nothing to her parents, and had warned Gracie not to either. She didn’t want to deal with their negative comments, or their predictions of doom. It was still inconceivable to them that any man would fall in love with her. But she could tell that Jack thought she was pretty, and the warmth they shared in their relationship made Victoria bloom like a garden in spring. She looked relaxed, more sure of herself, and constantly happy. Dr. Watson was concerned—she didn’t want her self-esteem to come from a man, rather than be generated from within. But Jack was certainly helping how she felt about herself. And she had dropped ten pounds, by watching her portions and what she ate. She remembered the nutritionist’s warning not to skip meals, and to eat healthy food. This time there were no crash diets, no herbal teas, no purges. She was just happy, and everything else fell into place accordingly. They were both talking about their plans to go home for Thanksgiving, and were considering coming back to New York during the weekend, so they could spend part of the holiday together.

  She was thinking about it one evening, when she walked into the kitchen and saw John and Harlan deep in thought and earnest conversation. They both looked unhappy, and she quickly found an excuse to leave the kitchen. She didn’t want to intrude. They seemed as though they had a problem. And Harlan stopped her just before she went back to her room with a cup of tea.

  “Got a minute?” he asked her as she hesitated. She could see that John was upset. She wondered if they were having an argument and hoped it wasn’t serious. Their relationship had been so good until then, for almost a year now. She would hate it if they broke up, and she knew Harlan would be distraught.

  “Sure,” Victoria said in answer to his question, with no idea how she could help them, but willing to try. Harlan waved at a chair at the kitchen table, as John let out a sigh. “Looks like you guys are having a problem,” she said sympathetically, as her heart went out to both of them.

  “Yeah, kind of,” John admitted. “It’s kind of a moral dilemma.”

  “Between the two of you?” She looked surprised. She couldn’t imagine either of them cheating on the other. And she was certain that Harlan was faithful, and assumed that John was too. They were just that kind of people, with good values, morality, and a lot of integrity, and besides, they loved each other.

  “No, it’s about a friend,” Harlan answered. “I hate meddling in other people’s business. I always wondered what I would do if I found out something that would hurt someone I love, but thought that they should know. It’s a situation I’ve never wanted to be in.”

  “And you are now?” Victoria asked innocently, and they both nodded at the same time. John sighed again, and this time he spoke up. He knew it was too hard for Harlan to do it, and he was the one who had the information first hand. They’d been talking about it for two weeks, and had hoped it would work itself out. But it hadn’t. It had gotten worse. And neither of them wanted to see Victoria heading for a wall. They loved her too much as their friend, and almost like a sister.

  “I don’t know all of the details. But it’s about Jack. Your Jack. Life is really weird at times, but I’ve been talking to a teacher I work with at my school. I’ve never liked her, and she’s kind of a bitch. She’s very full of herself, and she’s always working some guy. She’s been talking a lot lately about some teacher she’s having an affair with. He works at another school. She sees him every weekend, but apparently only one night, and she’s pissed about it. They see each other one night and one afternoon, and she thinks he’s cheating on her, although he says he isn’t. Other than that, she thinks he’s a great guy, and she says he’s crazy about her. They’re planning to spend Thanksgiving together instead of going to their families, and he told her he would go see them on Saturday after Thanksgiving for the weekend. And then, I don’t know, but it rang a bell for me. I asked her what this guy’s last name is, and where he teaches. I never bothered to ask her before, because I really don’t give a damn. She says his name is Jack Bailey, and he teaches chem at Madison.” John turned sad eyes toward Victoria, and she looked like she was going to faint or burst into tears. “It sounds like your guy is riding two horses, or trying to. I wanted to say something before you got in any deeper. It sounds like he’s splitting every weekend, and now Thanksgiving, between the two of you, which is a shit thing to do, if he hasn’t told you that’s what he’s doing and you haven’t agreed to it. And honestly, this girl is really a bitch. She’s just not a decent person. I don’t know what he’s doing with her, when he has you.” It made both John and Harlan feel sick, for her, and now she looked
it too. She started to cry as they sat at the kitchen table, and Harlan handed her a tissue. They felt terrible telling her but thought that she should know what she was dealing with, and whom.

  “What am I going to do?” she asked them through her tears.

  “I think you have to talk to him about it,” John said simply. “You have a right to know what he’s doing. He’s seeing a lot of you. And apparently of her too, every weekend. And she says she’s been sleeping with him for two months.” He didn’t add salt to the wound by telling Victoria that the other woman claimed he was great in bed. She didn’t need to hear that too, particularly since she hadn’t slept with him yet herself, but they all knew that she would soon. She had kind of guessed that it would happen naturally over Thanksgiving, and with all her roommates away, she’d been planning to invite him to stay at the apartment, when they got back from their holiday with their families. Although she knew now that he’d been planning to spend it with the other woman, and lying to her about where he was spending the weekend. He was lucky it was a big city and he hadn’t run into either of them when he was with the other. But it was a small world anyway, and by sheer coincidence he was seeing a woman who worked with one of her best friends. The possibility of that happening was slim, but it had happened. Providence had intervened.

  “What do I say to him? Do you think it’s true?” She was hoping it wasn’t, but John was honest with her again, however painful.

  “Yes, I do. She’s a slut, but there’s no reason for her to lie or make this up. I think he’s the one who’s not being honest. And it’s a rotten thing to do to you, even if you’re not sleeping with him yet. You’ve been dating him for almost as long as she has. It sounds like he’s playing you both.” Victoria felt sick as she listened, and sat frozen in her seat. She felt cold suddenly, and the boys saw her shiver.

  “Do you think he’ll tell me the truth now?” she asked miserably.

  “Probably. He’s been pretty much caught red-handed. It would be interesting to hear what he does say, and how he explains it. This will be a tough one to justify or clean up.”

  “I never asked him if he was seeing someone else,” Victoria said honestly. “I didn’t think I had to. I assumed he wasn’t.”

  “It’s a good question to ask,” Harlan added sadly. “Some people don’t ’fess up unless you ask. But by this point, seeing each other every weekend and building a relationship, he should have told you whether you asked or not.” She nodded and thanked John for the information, although she hated hearing it, and he looked miserable for having told her. But they all knew it was right. She had to know. She sat with them in the kitchen for a long time, mulling it over, rehashing what they knew, and was confused, hurt, and angry about it. She managed to avoid Jack at school all the next day. She didn’t feel ready to confront him. And that night he called her.

  “Where were you today? I looked for you all over and couldn’t find you,” he said, sounding as affectionate as ever. It was Thursday, and they were supposed to have dinner together the next day. She tried to keep her voice normal, but it was hard. She didn’t want to confront him about what she’d heard until they were face to face. This was not a conversation she wanted to have with him over the phone. She had felt sick about it all day, and hadn’t slept the night before. It was hard to believe that someone she cared about so much and had been so open with, and trusted so much, had been so dishonest with her. It had been a heart-wrenching revelation. All her fears came back to her that she wasn’t good enough to be loved. She hoped he had some reasonable explanation for it. But she couldn’t imagine one. She was willing to listen to what he had to say, and wanted to hear it, but the evidence John had presented to her was pretty damning.

  She told Jack she had been busy all that day, meeting with students and their parents about the college process, and she invited him to come to the apartment for a drink before dinner the following night. He said it sounded like a great idea, and he was as warm as ever. She had never pressed him about spending both nights of the weekend together, and never wanted to be pushy, but she decided to try it now and see what he would say in response.

  “Maybe we can do something Saturday night too. There are some really great new movies out,” she said innocently.

  “Maybe we can do that Sunday afternoon,” he said with a tone of regret. “I have to correct exams all day Saturday and Saturday night. I’m way behind on it now.” There was her answer. She could have Friday night and Sunday afternoon, but not Saturday or Saturday night. And with a sinking heart and a knot in her stomach the size of her head, she knew that what John had told her was true. She hadn’t doubted it, but hoped he was wrong somehow. Apparently, he wasn’t.

  She was distracted and nervous at school all day Friday and saw Jack in the teachers’ lounge briefly at lunchtime. She nearly ran out the door, and told him she was late for a student meeting. And he arrived at her apartment right on time on Friday night. He looked as appealing and as relaxed as ever. There was a quality about him that made him look honest and sincere. He exuded integrity in a way that suggested that he was a person you could trust. And she had, wholeheartedly. Apparently, he was not what he appeared. It was a bitter pill for her to swallow. They were alone in the apartment. Everyone was out on Friday night. And Harlan and John knew what she’d be doing. She had told them. They were at John’s place to give her space but had told her they were available if she needed them.

  She had no idea how to start the conversation as she poured him a glass of wine with trembling hands. She had worn slacks and an old sweater. Suddenly she didn’t feel beautiful, as she often did when she was with him. She felt ugly, and unloved, and betrayed now. It was a terrible feeling. She hadn’t bothered to wash her hair or wear makeup. The notion of competing with the other woman was foreign to her. Her spirit and her confidence in herself had folded like a house of cards. He was proving her father right, she wasn’t worthy of being loved. Someone else was.

  Jack was looking at her carefully as he held his glass of wine. He could see that she was upset, and had no idea what it was about.

  “Something wrong?” he asked innocently.

  Her hand was shaking as she set down her glass, and her stomach did a roll. “Maybe,” she said softly and raised her eyes to his. “You tell me. I never mentioned it before. Harlan’s boyfriend John works at the Aguillera School in the Bronx. Apparently a friend of yours does too. I guess you know who she is better than I do. She says she’s been having an affair with you for two months, and she sees you every weekend. I guess that makes me pretty stupid, and you dishonest, or something like that. So what’s the deal, Jack? What’s the story?” She looked him dead in the eye, and he stared at her for a minute, set down his glass, and walked across the room to look out the window, and then he turned toward her again, and she could see that he was furious. He had been caught.

  “You have no right to snoop around about me,” he started on the offensive, but it got him nowhere. She didn’t buy it.

  “I didn’t. It fell into my lap, and I guess I’m lucky John told me. She’s been bragging about you. It’s a small world, Jack, even in a city the size of New York. How long were you planning to do double duty, and why didn’t you tell me about it?”

  “You never asked me. I never lied to you,” he said angrily. “I never told you we were exclusive. If you wanted to know that, you should have asked me.”

  “You don’t think you should have volunteered that by now? We’ve been seeing each other every weekend for almost two months. Apparently the same amount of time you’ve been involved with her. What does she think is going on?”

  “I never told her I was exclusive with her either,” he said, looking angry. “And it’s none of your business anyway. I haven’t slept with you, Victoria. I don’t owe you anything, except pleasant company when we go out, and a nice evening.”

  “Is that how it works? Those aren’t the rules I play by. If I’d been seeing someone else, sexually or not, I wo
uld have told you. I would have felt I owed you that, just so you don’t get confused or hurt. I had a right to know, Jack. Just as a human being and someone you supposedly cared about, I deserved that. This wasn’t just about dinner. We were trying it out as a relationship. And I guess you’re doing the same with her. And who else is there? Do you have slots open during the week too? It sounds like you’ve been a pretty busy guy, and not an honest one. It was a shitty thing to do, Jack, and you know it.” There were tears in her eyes when she said it.

  “Yeah, whatever,” he said, nasty with her for the first time, and he looked cold now. He didn’t like being called on the carpet, or being accountable for his behavior. He wanted to do whatever he wanted, no matter who got hurt, as long as it wasn’t him. He wasn’t the man she’d thought him, not by a long shot. Lamb chops hadn’t been a problem, but his integrity was. He had none. The fact that she never asked was no excuse for him leading her on. “I don’t owe you any explanations,” he said, standing and looking down at her unkindly. “This is dating, that’s all it is, and if you don’t like the heat, get out of the kitchen. Or in this case, I will. Thanks for the wine,” he said, strode to the door, and slammed it behind him. That was it. Two months with a guy she liked and had believed in, and he had cheated on her, lied, and had no regret whatsoever. He didn’t give a damn about her. That much was evident. Victoria sat in her chair shaking after he left, but proud of herself for having confronted him. It had been ugly and painful, and she told herself that she was better off finding it out now, but she felt like someone had died when she walked back into her bedroom, lay down on the bed, and sobbed into her pillows. She hated what he had done, but worse yet, she felt terrible about herself. All she could think as she remembered the look in his eyes before he left was that if she had been worthy, he would have loved her. And he didn’t.