“You should try it when we get back to the house,” Gracie said, with a worried look. “Do you think you’ll need it altered?” she asked, glancing over at Victoria next to her in the car. She looked about the same to her, but you couldn’t always tell.
“No, I’m not much thinner than I was,” Victoria said, looking discouraged.
“I meant bigger,” Gracie said hesitantly, and Victoria shook her head. That was how they all thought of her, as an ever-growing mountain that never got smaller, only bigger. She’d lost a pound since she took off the cast, but no more than that. She wasn’t exercising enough to make a difference, even without carbs.
And when they got there, their mother was at the house, checking gifts off a list. There were piles of silver and crystal in fancy boxes. They had turned their dining room into a warehouse.
Her father was at the office, and Victoria didn’t see him till that night. When she did, he hugged her and commented that she looked well. With him, healthy and well were always synonyms for bigger and fatter. She thanked him, said he did too, and walked into the other room. She hadn’t seen him since he met Collin in New York. And she remembered Collin’s comment about sharks and steered clear.
She managed to tread water for three days until Collin arrived. They had a family dinner that night, for both families, which was fairly benign. And the rehearsal dinner was the next day at the Wilkeses’ country club. The wedding reception was being held at the Dawsons’ swim and tennis club in a huge garden, under an enormous “crystal” tent that had cost a fortune. Five hundred and forty guests had accepted.
The morning that Collin was due to arrive, Victoria got a few minutes alone with her sister and asked her once and for all if she wanted to go through with this and if she was sure about Harry. And if so, she promised to forever hold her peace. Gracie looked at her solemnly and said that she was sure.
“Are you happy?” she asked her. She didn’t look it. She looked terribly stressed, and whenever Harry was around she was jumping through hoops to please him. If she married him, that was what her life was going to be like from now on. It was what he thought he deserved. Victoria hated it for Gracie.
“Yes, I am happy,” Gracie answered, and then Victoria sighed and nodded her head.
“Okay. I’m on board. That’s all I want for you. And you can tell him from me that if he ever makes you unhappy, I will personally kick his ass,” Victoria said, and Gracie laughed nervously. She was afraid her sister meant it.
“He won’t,” Gracie said seriously. “I know he won’t!” She sounded like she was trying to convince herself.
“I hope you’re right.”
Victoria didn’t bring it up again after that, and she was relieved when Collin arrived. Harry went to considerable lengths to impress him and charm him, and Collin was polite and went along with it, but Victoria could see that Collin didn’t like him. And she didn’t either. But they were stuck with him now. For better or worse.
The rehearsal dinner was a monumental affair, done by the fanciest caterer in L.A., with all the most important people there. The Wilkeses were extremely gracious, and they made an effort to make all the Dawsons feel at home, and they said all the nicest things about Gracie. She was young, of course, but they said they thought she was the perfect wife for their son. And Jim Dawson went on and on ad nauseam about how much he loved Harry. And there were endless speeches at dinner, some of them clever, and most of them very boring. Victoria was going to have to say a few words too, but she was doing it at the wedding, as older sister and maid of honor.
Victoria was looking beautiful in the pale blue chiffon gown she had bought for the occasion. And Collin had complimented her several times. Her father had had quite a few drinks, when he came over to Victoria and Collin after the rehearsal dinner started to break up and people were milling around. He had on his hale-and-hearty voice, which Victoria knew was usually a bad sign, and when he was most likely to take potshots at her. She wanted to warn Collin as her father walked over, but she didn’t have time. He was standing on top of them before she could say a word.
“So,” he said, looking at Collin as though he were fourteen and had just shown up to take Victoria out for the first time, “you’ve made a good choice here. Victoria is our smart one. Gracie’s our beauty. Smart women are always interesting to have around.” It was his first shark attack of the night. She hadn’t seen him talk to Collin till then. And there was blood in the water. As usual, it was hers. Collin looked at him pleasantly as he put an arm around Victoria’s shoulders and pulled her close to him. She could feel his strength as he held her, and his protection. And for once in her life, she felt safe. She always did with him. And loved.
“I’m afraid I don’t agree with you, sir,” Collin said politely.
“About smart women?” He looked surprised. Usually, his opinions were never challenged, no matter how outrageous, inaccurate, or insulting. No one ever bothered.
“No, about your family beauty and brain. I’d say Victoria is both, beauty and brain. You underestimate her. Don’t you agree?” Her father stammered for a minute, and then nodded, not sure how to respond. Victoria almost laughed, and she squeezed Collin’s hand in silent thanks. But her father wasn’t willing to let it go at that. He didn’t like being contradicted or interfered with while belittling his daughter.
He gave a hollow laugh, which was another bad and familiar sign. “It’s amazing how genes skip generations, isn’t it? Victoria looks exactly like my grandmother, she always has, and nothing like us. She even has my grandmother’s build, coloring, and nose.” He was hoping to embarrass her, because he knew how much she had hated her nose all her life. It was his revenge for the protection Collin provided her. Innocently, Collin leaned closer and studied Victoria’s nose, and turned to her father with a puzzled expression.
“It looks very much like her mother and sister’s nose to me,” Collin said honestly. And of course it did, thanks to Dr. Schwartz, but Collin didn’t know that, as Victoria blushed. Her father looked annoyed and looked closer himself, and he had to admit, to himself if not to Collin, it did look like Gracie and her mother’s nose.
“Strange, it used to look just like my grandmother’s,” he muttered. “She’s a big girl like my grandmother though,” he said with a malevolent glint in his eye. It was the description she had loathed since she was a child.
“Do you mean tall?” Collin asked with a smile.
“Yes, of course.” Her father recanted for the first time ever, and then without further comment, he slunk off into the crowd. His barbs had been as sharp as ever, but this time they had missed their mark. It was obvious to her father that Victoria didn’t care, and even more so that Collin loved her. Her father had lost the target of his jokes and putdowns forever. Victoria sighed as she watched him find her mother and tell her it was time to go.
“Thank you,” Victoria said quietly to Collin. She would have liked to confront her father herself, but she was still afraid to. There was too much water behind that dam. Maybe one day, but not now.
Collin had an arm around her as they walked to where the valet parkers had the cars and limousines. “I can’t believe the shit he says about you,” he said, looking annoyed. “What’s with the nose?” he asked looking puzzled, and she burst out laughing as they waited for the car and driver Collin had hired for the night.
“I had a nose job during Christmas vacation. That was the car accident when I met you,” she said, looking embarrassed at having kept it from him out of vanity until then. But she didn’t want any secrets from him, now or ever; so she made a clean breast of it, and was relieved. “I hated my nose, and he always made cracks about it. So I fixed it. I never told them, just Gracie. Neither he nor my mom noticed when I saw them in New York, or now.” Collin couldn’t help smiling at her admission.
“That was a nose job when I met you?” He looked amazed. “I thought it was a horrible accident.”
“It was my new nose,” she said,
looking half proud and half shy.
He studied it for a minute with a grin. He had had a fair amount to drink too, or he wouldn’t have taken on her father. He didn’t usually do that. But his putdowns of Victoria irritated Collin beyond belief. “It’s an extremely cute nose.” He complimented her. “I love it.”
“I think you’re drunk,” she said with a laugh. She had enjoyed watching him subtly take apart her father.
“Actually, I am drunk. But not dangerously so.” He stopped to kiss her, and then their car and driver showed up and they got in. He was staying at the house with her, so they were bound to run into her father again, but they went into her room quickly when they got back. And Collin was so tired, he was asleep in five minutes. Victoria lay with him for a while, and then she went to find Gracie in her room.
She poked her head in the door, and Gracie was sitting on her bed and looking a little lost. Victoria went in and sat down next to her, as she used to when they were kids. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. Nervous about tomorrow. I feel like I’m going to his family and losing ours,” she said, looking anxious. Victoria wouldn’t have considered it a loss, except for Gracie, but she knew Gracie did. She loved her parents. And they loved her.
“You won’t lose me,” Victoria reassured her. “You’ll never lose me.” Gracie hugged her without saying a word. Gracie looked like she was about to cry, but she didn’t. Victoria couldn’t help wondering if she was having second thoughts about Harry. She should. But she didn’t admit it if she did. “The wedding will be fine,” Victoria said soothingly. But sadly, the marriage would not, or at least Victoria doubted it.
“I like Collin,” Gracie said, to change the subject. “He’s really nice, and I think he loves you a lot.” It was easy to see, he took wonderful care of her, and looked at her adoringly like he was the luckiest man in the world.
“I love him a lot too,” she said happily.
“Do you think you’ll marry him?” It looked that way to her, and Victoria smiled.
“I don’t know. He hasn’t asked. It’s too soon. We’re happy like this for now. We’re going to get an apartment together this summer.” They were moving slowly, but Gracie was about to become a real married woman in a few hours. She seemed much too young to her sister to take such a big step, especially to Harry, who was going to control every aspect of her thought and life. It made Victoria sad for her. But this was what she said she wanted, and the price she was willing to pay to be with him.
“I’m sorry about the brown dress,” Gracie said suddenly, with a guilty look. “I should have picked something that suits you better. I just liked the dress. But I should have thought about you.” Victoria was touched that Gracie realized it and told her, as she gave her a forgiving hug.
“It’s okay. I’ll get even with you when I get married. I’ll pick something you look like shit in.” They both laughed and chatted for a while, and then Victoria hugged her and went back to her room. She felt sorry for her little sister. She had the feeling she wasn’t going to have an easy life. A moneyed one for sure, but not necessarily a good one. All she could do now was hope for the best for her sister. They were each responsible for their own lives.
Victoria got into bed next to Collin, smiled at him, and then cuddled up with him and went to sleep. For the first time in her life, she felt safe in her parents’ house.
Chapter 26
On the morning of the wedding, the house was bustling with excitement and activity from the moment everyone got up. There was breakfast laid out in the kitchen so people could help themselves. Collin and Victoria took theirs out to the garden so they didn’t get in anyone’s way. Gracie was having a manicure and pedicure in her room. The hairdresser came to do all the women in the house. All Victoria wanted was a simple French twist, so she went first.
The wedding was set for seven o’clock that night, but people came and went all day. All the bridesmaids were there from lunchtime on, and Victoria couldn’t get near her sister, so she left them alone, and did whatever she could to help her mother. But everything seemed in surprisingly good control. And Gracie’s wedding gown was laid out in her mother’s room. Her father had been relegated to the guest room to dress, and everyone seemed to have something to do. There were a million phone calls and deliveries, and Collin volunteered to man the doors and phones. Victoria’s father disappeared for a while, and then came back, but he never said a word to Victoria all day, nor to Collin. He had gotten a dose of his own medicine the night before, and Victoria was glad. It was about time. And Collin had done it well, with style and finesse. With his protection, her father would think twice before attacking her again.
And by five o’clock the countdown had begun. The hairdresser did Gracie’s hair. All the bridesmaids had been done. And at six o’clock they all slipped into their dresses. Victoria took a deep breath and put hers on, and one of the bridesmaids zipped it up, while another one held it closed, and Victoria held her breath. She didn’t look in the mirror. She could feel how it looked. She could hardly breathe, even with the weight she’d lost, and her breasts were tightly compressed and poured out of the strapless dress. It was excruciatingly tight, and the zipper almost didn’t close. And she knew just how ugly it looked on her, but she really didn’t care. Collin loved her, and if it wasn’t the best dress for her, it wasn’t important. She had found brown satin shoes to match and slipped them on. The heels were high, and she suddenly looked like a very tall woman. But a good-looking woman. She felt like she had come into her own in the last year, not just because of Collin, but the efforts she’d made to free herself of the past and the damage it had done. Collin had happened because she was ready for him. She had made the changes, and he had arrived—the changes weren’t because of him. She felt sure of herself suddenly even in the dress that didn’t suit her. She looked beautiful, and shone from within. She put on a little more blush, and the color of the dress didn’t look quite so bad with her pale skin.
She went in to her sister, and her mother was just slipping the elaborate white lace gown over Gracie’s head. Her mother was dressed in a dark beige taffeta gown with a jacket, and she looked elegant and demure. She was still a beautiful woman. Sometimes Victoria forgot that. And the minute the enormous white lace dress fell over Gracie’s tiny body, she looked like a princess. She was wearing her engagement ring that looked like a headlight, and the diamond earrings Harry had given her. And his mother had given her a string of large pearls with a diamond clasp as a wedding gift. She seemed much too young to be wearing all that jewelry, and Victoria was reminded of when they played dress-up when they were children, but Gracie looked lovely. She was the perfect bride, and when her father walked in a few minutes later, he started to cry. He was overwhelmed by the vision of her in her wedding gown. She had always been his baby. And she always would be. And she was Victoria’s baby too. Gracie looked around the room at her family, and she was about to cry too, but her mother warned her not to ruin her makeup. Gracie felt as though she were leaving them all forever and setting out in the world, on unfamiliar waters. It was a scary feeling, especially for such a young girl. She appeared vulnerable and fragile and childlike in the dress, as her mother settled the long veil on her head.
Victoria and her mother helped her down the stairs and carried her train. And then she was getting into the car with her father to go to the church to marry Harry. Her father came unglued as they drove away, and Gracie leaned over and kissed him. She had a father that Victoria had never known, and would have loved to have. But now she had Collin instead.
And then Victoria and her mother got into the town car waiting to take them to the church. Collin had left a while before and she would see him there.
And once at the church, everything happened in good order. Harry was waiting at the altar. The bridesmaids preceded Grace in the elegant brown dresses, and Victoria walked down the aisle right before Gracie. Her eye caught Collin’s as she glided past him, and he smiled, looking proud. And
their father walked Gracie down the aisle in solemn, measured steps.
They exchanged their vows, and Harry put a diamond band on Gracie’s finger, and then they were pronounced man and wife. They kissed as Victoria cried, and they walked back down the aisle beaming. It had happened. It was over. The wedding that had driven them all crazy for a year was under way. And the reception was as spectacular as her parents had wanted, and Gracie had dreamed of. She came to kiss Victoria as the reception began, after the photographs and the receiving line. She just wanted a minute with her big sister.
“I just want to tell you that I love you. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me all my life. You always take care of me, even when I’m a brat, or I’m stupid … thank you … I love you … you’re the best sister in the world.”
“So are you, and I’ll always be here for you. I love you, baby … I hope you’ll be happy.”
“So do I,” she said softly, and she didn’t look as sure as Victoria would have wanted. But if it didn’t work out, they’d deal with it and know what to do. Sometimes you just couldn’t figure it out beforehand, no matter how hard you tried.
Collin sat next to Victoria at the reception, at a long table with all the bridesmaids and groomsmen. Victoria made her speech, and everyone applauded. She and Collin danced all night. Harry and Gracie cut the cake. And Victoria even danced with her father once. He looked dignified and handsome in his dinner jacket and black tie. And for once he made no ugly comments about her—they just danced as he spun her around the floor, and then he turned her over to Collin again. It was a beautiful wedding. And Gracie was an exquisite bride. And much to Victoria’s relief, for tonight at least, and maybe forever if they were lucky, Gracie and Harry looked happy. There was no way of knowing if it would last, for them or anyone. All you could do was your best.
She was dancing with Collin when they announced that Gracie was going to throw the bouquet, and asked all the single women to assemble on the dance floor. Grace stood on a chair, waiting to do it, and all the single women started to approach. Victoria’s mother glided past Victoria as she was about to join them and gave her a reproving look.
Big Girl: A Novel Page 29
