by Nix Knox
When he was bare, Noah rose from the bed, chucked his own clothing, and then he was back, touching all over Ronan as if he’d never seen a naked man before. In pondering, Ronan realized that though he’d seen him, he hadn’t had the chance to explore him. Being the object of Noah’s intense scrutiny was a new and enlightening experience. By always taking the lead, Ronan didn’t really know what it was like to be cherished. If there was any word that described what Noah was doing to him, it was that word. Each stroke, each openmouthed kiss, and every lick was Noah’s silent way of appreciating him.
Ronan couldn’t ever remember such a deep feeling of connection to another. When Noah looked up and smiled, he knew right then what he’d been feeling was only getting deeper. He was falling in love. And it wasn’t the wishy-washy, tepid kind of love he’d experienced before. This wasn’t something that was going to burn out after a lusty romp or two. This was something that was going to get bigger and deeper as each day came. To his surprise, he had a moment of raw terror. Love made him intensely vulnerable. If Noah didn’t feel the same, it was going to kill him. But Ronan let that concern pass. Noah was here now. No matter what Ronan did, he couldn’t make him stay. The only thing he could do was give him every reason to want to stick around.
Chapter Sixteen
When Sunday night came, Noah didn’t want to go. They’d had three days and nights together, but the time had passed in the blink of an eye. It seemed to him he’d only just gotten here when he was climbing back into his scratched car.
“I really wish you’d stay.” Ronan’s hands were on the door as he leaned over, his expression earnest.
“I can’t.” Noah wanted to stay with Ronan not only because he represented safety, but also because being around him was easy. Unlike the times when Noah had been with other people, he felt little to no self-consciousness with Ronan. For the first time in his life, Noah found out what it was like to be free of his constant doubts and concerns. Just getting into his car to return to his apartment was bringing everything back.
“We can go and get some things to tide you over until we find you another place.”
“From what the super said, Keith is still in jail.”
“That doesn’t mean he won’t be bonded out. He knows where you live, Noah. I’ll pay to put you up somewhere closer to work until we get this situation resolved.”
Noah appreciated Ronan’s concern. He wasn’t being bossy but genuinely worried about his safety. “The officer said I’d be contacted before he’s let out. The restraining order says he’s not allowed to be within a hundred yards of me. The super said a bunch of his friends came and moved Keith out over the weekend.”
“That doesn’t mean he won’t be back.” Ronan had held on to Noah’s car as if he might be able to stop him from driving away. “If he doesn’t respect your right to a parking space, he isn’t going to give a piece of paper any consideration at all.”
They’d talked a bit more after that, but Noah had to go home. He’d missed church with his folks and dodged their calls. He’d texted back that he wasn’t up to going and then had to keep them from coming over. It was uncomfortable. Noah didn’t like lying to anyone, but doing so to his parents was somehow much worse. He didn’t know what he was going to tell them, but he knew he couldn’t put things off forever. Noah clearly saw himself approaching the crossroads of his life. He could either take the path that had Ronan, which would entail giving up a good portion, if not all, of his old life, or he could keep on pretending to be someone he wasn’t, which meant he’d have to give up Ronan. If he was going to make that call, Noah knew sooner rather than later would be the best. The longer he stayed with Ronan, the more difficult if not entirely impossible it would be to give him up.
The drive along I-15 was surprisingly fast, probably because the traffic was minimal. For all the urban sophistication of Salt Lake City and Provo, they still pretty much rolled up the sidewalks by eleven, especially on a Sunday night. After exiting the freeway, Noah continued on to his apartment complex. The closer he got, the sweatier his palms became. His heart was racing, and he felt like he was going to vomit. An urge to turn around and drive back to Ronan’s possessed him. He almost followed that urgent call. He could start his life over. He could replace everything that was inside his one-bedroom apartment. But Noah dismissed his trepidation. Of course he was nervous. It would be far stranger if he weren’t. Still, he wasn’t foolish. He examined the parking lot carefully, looking not only for Keith’s car but also for his friends’ cars. Ronan’s observation that Keith roamed in a pack was spot on. He never seemed to spend much time alone.
After checking out the parking lot and finding it safe, Noah parked in his assigned spot. He thought briefly of parking elsewhere, since it seemed like he was only asking for trouble to park there, but then he decided if Keith and friends were going to trash his car, they wouldn’t just look in one spot. The only way to hide it would be to park somewhere else, but there wasn’t anywhere close by.
Exhausted, Noah finally decided the damage had been done. Another few scratches or having more air let out of the tires wasn’t really going to hurt anything. If he came down in the morning and found it decimated, he’d call a cab. As he got out of the car, Noah felt angry. He shouldn’t have to worry about something as simple as parking his car. He’d never done anything to Keith, and now, because he was nothing more than a drama-addicted bully, he was ruining Noah’s life. Fury made him close the door harder than he normally would, but he didn’t cringe at the sound the door made. He was tired of being scared. Noah was sick of curling in his shoulders and trying to blend into the background.
“I live here and I have a right to be here.”
Determined that he would move with more confidence, he climbed the open steps to his apartment with far more vigor than he normally did. When he got to his door, he expected there to be something—a token from Keith’s friends—but there wasn’t anything. Relieved, Noah let himself into his apartment.
The little blue lamp was on, casting a warm glow. He dumped the contents of his pockets into the bowl by the door, then locked the door behind them. As determined as he was to take up the space he deserved, he wasn’t going to tempt the fates.
When his phone rang, he snatched it up. “Ronan?”
“I just wanted to make sure you got home safely.”
“I just stepped in the front door.”
“No troubles?”
“Nope. I think things are going to be okay.”
Ronan breathed a sigh of relief that Noah was easily able to hear.
“Thank you for checking on me. You’re really sweet.”
“You’re welcome. I just wanted… You mean a lot to me, Noah. I don’t want anything but good things to happen to you.”
Noah felt like his heart was swelling. For the first time in his life, he felt loved by someone other than a member of his family. “You mean a lot to me, too.”
“Good night. Call me tomorrow after work. We can talk while we watch something on television together.”
“Okay.” Noah thought it was a great idea. He hated watching shows by himself. Using his phone, he could stay in his apartment but be connected to Ronan. “Sleep tight.”
“I would if you were here to tie me up.”
“Hey, that’s supposed to be my thing,” Noah teased. “I don’t think I said it while I was there, but thank you. For everything. I enjoyed being with you.”
“You’re welcome anytime. And I do mean anytime, Noah. If something even raises so much as one little hair on the back of your neck, get out of there and come to me.”
“I will.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
Once they hung up, Noah went through his nightly ritual. He missed Ronan already. Ronan was dedicated to oral hygiene, and he managed to make the time they spent cleaning their teeth fun. Noah did all the same things at his apartment, but it wasn’t any fun at all. Eventually, he was ready for bed. Noah h
ad no idea how long he lay there in the dark. He’d always thought his twin bed was small, but tonight it felt huge and empty.
After tossing and turning for hours, he finally slept once he realized he really had no choice. He couldn’t keep on living a lie. It wasn’t fair to him, and he didn’t think it was fair to keep lying to his parents. With their insistence on him applying for a mission, he knew that if he acquiesced, the next thing they would pressure him to do was get married. And then have children. It was bad enough to make his life miserable with lies, but he couldn’t do that to other people. If Noah didn’t tell them the truth, he saw his life unfolding as a long, bitter road where everyone else’s desires but his own dragged him along.
“The lies have to stop.”
Once he made that vow, he was able to fall asleep.
Morning came, and he got ready for work. Again, he knew he had to make another change there, too. Accounting was a good profession. It was a way to pay the rent and be independent, but it was boring. He didn’t hate going to work, but he didn’t wake up excited for it either. He wanted what Ronan had. When Ronan talked about his work, his eyes lit up and it was clear he enjoyed his artistry immensely. Noah wanted that same passion. He wasn’t sure what would put that kind of sparkle in his gaze, but he certainly wanted to find out.
While he buttoned up his shirt and ensured he looked his best, he realized how much of his life he’d already wasted trying to do what other people wanted or expected. He even remembered the conversation when he’d been looking at majors. His mother was an accountant, and she had pushed him that direction. Noah remembered his father had wanted him to go on a mission first, but his mother said that a degree might open up more places for him to serve. They had spent more time debating the issue between the two of them than with Noah. As he’d sat there with the information open on the family computer, he’d scrolled down and discovered there were degrees in aviation. When he’d brought the idea up, both his parents were firmly against him going into that field because of the potential dangers. He wasn’t angry that their fears had governed his choice. There wasn’t anything he could do about the past. However, there certainly was a lot he could do about his future.
When he went down to the parking lot, he checked over his car. He was relieved to find there wasn’t any new damage. But one night down didn’t mean there would be smooth sailing. Where he lived was another thing that had to change. Most of the people who resided in the complex were nice enough, or at least they seemed that way when he’d greeted them in passing, but he would never feel entirely comfortable here after what had happened with Keith. As Ronan had pointed out, Keith knew exactly where Noah lived. Even if Keith stayed in jail, one of his buddies could come over and inflict all kinds of damage. Noah wasn’t concerned about his car, since it could be replaced. What he was worried about was his personal safety. That was something he had to take more seriously. Even the police officer had cautioned Noah about how men like Keith never really stopped until they killed someone or ended up in prison. He wasn’t being dramatic, only urging Noah to take all necessary precautions.
What surprised Noah was that he wasn’t overwhelmed. Usually, when he had a lot of matters pressing on him for attention, he became flustered. Not this time. There was a lot he needed to address, none of it pleasant, but the final outcome was putting his life on a path that he wanted. That was the difference. He wasn’t doing what other people expected. He was doing what he needed to do for himself. Emboldened by his newfound confidence, Noah went into work with a lot more of a spring in his step. Instead of focusing on all the things he didn’t like, he looked at all of them as only temporary annoyances.
He was going to change everything.
Work flew by, and afterward he went right to his parents’ house. They were glad to see him, and his mother fussed over him about his health, even though she could clearly see he’d not been languishing in bed. His mild sunburn gave that away. He felt guilty about lying to them but consoled himself with the fact today was the day he came clean. When he told them he needed to talk to them, they both assumed it was about his mission papers. Noah told them that wasn’t the topic he wanted to discuss, not exactly, but it was a part of what he needed to talk about.
Eventually, they settled in the living room. The blue velour couch had a dent that fit him perfectly, since he usually sat in the same place when they gathered in this room. Hundreds of family home evenings flashed through his mind, reminding him of how close they’d always been. When Noah looked up, he saw the group of portraits on the opposite wall. There were images of just the five of them, but there were pictures of both grandparents and the extended relatives, too. His aunts and uncles from both his mother and father all had huge families. He’d always liked seeing the pictures, since they lived so far away, but suddenly he felt they were all looking at him and begging him not to mess up their lives. Guilt washed over him. He was only telling his folks, but word would spread. Soon enough, all of them would know. Noah’s stomach was churning and making him feel positively ill, but he forged ahead. He had to tell them the truth. To lessen the blow, he started with the minor items first. Noah told them about the situation with Keith and that he’d already put in his thirty days’ notice with the building supervisor. That was a decision they wholeheartedly supported. When he told them he’d also given his employer notice, they expressed deep concern.
“Just where are you planning on living and working?” His father was always worried about Noah establishing himself so he could eventually take care of his family.
“I haven’t decided yet.” Noah was leading up to that part of the conversation. “But I have plenty of savings to tide me over.”
“That money is for a down payment on a house.”
“That’s part of my goal, but I haven’t been happy about how I’m getting there.”
“And quitting your job is going to help?” His father’s brows lowered over his pale blue eyes. Noah got his looks from his mother, but he had his father’s eye color. “I think you need to be clearer about your goals.”
“I’m very clear about my goals. The thing is, they aren’t your goals.”
“I don’t understand.” His mother was twisting her hands together in her lap. Noah realized when he was anxious he made almost the exact same movements. In that moment, he realized how much he was like his folks. Good or bad, he mimicked their habits.
“I’ve been trying to live my life the way you two have always wanted me to.”
“That’s not fair.” Noah’s father looked defensive.
“I’m not saying it’s been bad. It’s not. I have a good education. I have a good job and a nice place to live. But I’m not happy. I’m not ever going to be happy if I keep doing what will make you happy rather than what will make me happy.” Noah took a deep breath, bolstering his resolve, and then said, “I’m gay.”
Silence seemed to drop into the living room with all the grace of a drunken cow.
“I know that’s something that you never wanted to hear.” Noah forged ahead, desperate to make them understand. “I realize hearing that is a shock, but—”
“You’re just confused.” His father’s face was deathly pale. “I’ve heard of other young men having this issue arise when they contemplated going on a mission. If you don’t want to go, you don’t have to make up some outlandish excuse.”
“It’s not an excuse. I don’t want to serve a mission, because I don’t want to spread my faith when my own church hates me for the way God made me.”
“Noah.” His mother seemed only able to say his name. Nothing else came out other than that.
“You’re blaming God for your thoughts?”
“I’m not blaming God for anything. And they aren’t just thoughts.”
“Oh, Noah.” His mother clasped her twisting hands together and began to pray.
The conversation degenerated at that point. His mother kept praying while his father tried to get him to see reason. Noah hadn’t im
agined coming out would go well, but he wasn’t prepared for his parents to simply refuse to believe him. He despaired that the only way to convince them was to bring Ronan over and make out with him. The idea of actually doing that made him laugh hysterically.
His sudden and totally inappropriate laughter prompted his father to say Noah was confused. What he needed to do was see their bishop. All Noah really needed to do was refocus his attention. Noah tried to be understanding. He knew what they were hearing was devastating to them. With a couple of words, he’d destroyed their vision of his life. In many ways, Noah blamed himself. Had he stood up to them before now about other things in his life, this wouldn’t be such a shock. But he’d always done what they wanted him to do because he needed their approval. He still did, but he needed his own approval much more.
“I’m the one who has to live my life.” Noah was done with the conversation. “I’ve always been a good kid, a good son. I’ve done everything you’ve ever wanted me to do, but I can’t serve a mission I don’t believe in. I can’t keep working at a profession that doesn’t inspire me. But more than all that, I can’t marry a woman I don’t love.”
“We’re not asking you to get married now.”
“Right. Not now. But you will. When the idea of serving a mission came up, I tried to tell you I didn’t want to go. You wouldn’t listen.”
“Then don’t serve one, but don’t do this,” his father implored.
“It’s not one or the other. The mission was just the tipping point. When I saw how much you expected that of me, I realized it was always going to be another thing after another that I was going to be expected to do. Rather than asking me what I want or what I need, you push me the direction you think is best.”
“That’s what it is to be a parent.”
“I understand that. I do. But you push without even hearing my input.” Noah realized he was rehashing his frustration when he’d been picking his college major. “Look, I don’t want to get bogged down in the past. It’s over. It’s done. I love you both very much, but I won’t keep torturing myself.”
