by Nix Knox
The nurse nodded.
“Have her imagine walking toward them and scooping them up. That should get her moving.”
“I’ll try it.” But the look on the nurse’s face was guarded. The woman had been abused for years. Inspiring her to take another breath was going to be difficult. Ronan wished there was something he could do, but there wasn’t. Whenever she saw him, she curled up. Rather than get offended, Ronan understood that all men made her react in the exact same way. He wasn’t surprised. Still, he could only do so much. He kept his focus on Noah.
“I thought you were going to tell her the real way you’re inspiring me.” Noah laughed.
“It would be a good motivator with her male patients, but I don’t think her employer would like her doing that no matter how well it might work.”
“I’m getting better every day,” Noah pointed out.
“You are.”
“Maybe I could get a little encouragement now?” Noah managed to do his big, innocent eye act with only one eye showing. Had he used both, Ronan would certainly be a goner.
“Nope. A deal’s a deal. Stop tempting me with your luscious body and batting lashes. It’s not fair.” Of course, Noah’s parents had to appear at that precise moment. Ronan knew before he turned around, because Noah’s face looked so red he was practically a lobster. “I’m going to go have supper.”
“Bring me back something,” Noah begged.
“I’ll ask the nurse.”
“Okay.” Noah didn’t look too hopeful. “I love you.”
“I love you. Have a nice visit with your folks.” Sure enough, they were in the doorway. Ronan nodded and offered a greeting in passing, just like he always did. But he stopped this time. Startled, Noah’s parents looked up at him. “Would you like anything? I’m going to a great burger place. I’d be happy to pick something up for you.”
His father was on the verge of saying no when his mother said, “That would be very nice of you. Just a cheeseburger and fries. I haven’t eaten much today.”
It was the smallest of gestures, but it meant the world to Ronan that she would accept anything from him.
After some hemming and hawing, Noah’s father finally said what his wife ordered sounded good. Ronan was off after asking the nurse if he might be able to bring back the same dinner for Noah. She checked his nutritional chart and then agreed. “Small, though. Please. I don’t want him eating a lot of rich food and getting sick.”
“Got it. Do you want anything?”
“Aren’t you sweet? But no. I ate before I came on shift.”
Ronan went over to the burger place with a lot more spring in his step. It wasn’t a major deal, not at all, but it was a start. It showed him that Noah’s parents were trying. That was all he could ask for. Rather than eat there, Ronan got everything to go. On the way back, he caught himself whistling. He was happy. Part of his joy came because Noah was getting better at a remarkable pace, but also, it seemed his parents were letting go of their fear. They probably wouldn’t ever fling their arms around him in joy, but they might just stop the hostility.
When he returned, he placed a towel on the bed, then made a little picnic. For a while, everyone ate.
“Thank you.” Noah’s mother, Odonna, said. “I was hungrier than I thought.”
“You need to slow down more,” her husband admonished.
“This from the man who works sixteen-hour days?” Odonna patted Jonah’s leg. “I think we both need to take more time off.”
“Well, when Henry gets back from his mission, I’ll be semiretired.”
“So Henry’s going into the family business?” Noah dunked a fry in the creamy orange fry sauce, then popped it in his mouth.
“He is.” Jonah was clearly proud.
“You do construction work?” Ronan asked.
“We do a lot of construction on houses. Adding on rooms and things like that. We do some buildings but I’m more of a general contractor on those. Depends on the work. Word of mouth is important.”
Ronan nodded. “My business is the same.”
“Construction?”
For a moment, Ronan wished that were what he did, as it would give them something in common.
“Remember? I told you Ronan works on motorcycles.”
“Oh. Yes. A mechanic?”
“I can do mechanical work, but now I focus on custom paint jobs.”
“Ronan worked his way up from mechanic to artist,” Noah said, his pride evident.
“And that’s good work?” Jonah asked.
“The money is good, but it’s really more about the joy of creating.” Ronan felt like he was trying to show them he’d be able to provide for Noah. He felt a little silly, but that didn’t stop him from wanting to prove that he was more than just some random guy. “I’m sure you have that in construction, too.”
“Show them that one you did of the celtic knots.”
Ronan dutifully pulled out his smartphone and showed them a few choice shots from his portfolio of work.
“It’s lovely,” Odonna said in reference to the gold-and-green design. “A man rides this?”
“A woman.”
“I thought that was a little feminine.” She blanched. “Not that I’m judging. It’s not my—I wouldn’t presume—”
“It’s okay,” Ronan offered. “If you go over one picture—just slide your finger sideways—see that one?”
“Oh, my.”
“That’s definitely a young man’s motorcycle,” Jonah said.
“It is indeed.” Ronan laughed. The bike in question was painted black with dramatic flames twisting around the metalwork of the cycle.
“It’s so detailed.”
“He’s a great artist.” Noah grinned at Ronan.
“Thank you.” His praise made him feel about ten feet tall.
“People pay good money for that?” Jonah looked up at Ronan and made a face very similar to the one his wife had made when she thought she was being unintentionally offensive.
“Dad,” Noah cautioned.
“I didn’t mean it the way it sounded.”
“It’s okay. Really. It’s expensive work. It’s generally older riders who’ve been riding for a long time. They baby their bikes and invest a lot of money in them. It’s like…” Ronan tried to find something they could relate to. “Do you know anyone who’s fixed up an RV?”
“Oh, sure. The Richardsons have that custom-painted thing that takes up half the block.” Jonah and Odonna nodded together. “Spent a fortune on it.”
“This is the same thing, only smaller.”
“And more dangerous.” Odonna looked at Noah. “You’re not going to start riding a motorcycle, are you?”
“No, Mom. I’m not going to start riding a motorcycle.” Noah laughed. “Well, I’ll ride with Ronan, but I won’t be driving one.”
Ronan was glad to see he wasn’t taking her concern too seriously. She was a mom, and part of that job was to worry about her son. Still, Ronan wondered which she would rather have Noah do—ride a motorcycle or fly a plane. He imagined she wouldn’t like either one very much.
“What does your motorcycle look like?” Odonna asked.
Ronan showed her the Goldwing.
“Oh, it’s much bigger than that other one.”
“This is a touring motorcycle. That other one is—n’t.” Ronan had been about to call it a crotch rocket but that seemed inappropriate around Noah’s folks, so he corrected himself at the last second. “This type of bike is made for long trips. It’s not about speed but comfort.”
“And safety,” Noah piped up.
“You’ve been on this one?” Jonah asked Noah.
“We went up to hike in the mountains and took Ronan’s bike.”
“I think Tessy Quinn’s parents have a motorcycle like that. Or is it Rena McCallister’s parents?” Odonna tapped her index finger to the tip of her nose. “One of the girls Michael dated had parents who had a motorcycle like that. They drove all over the
country. Nice people.”
“Oh, right. It was the one who played the cello.”
“Rena,” Noah supplied. “She went to Japan didn’t she?”
“No, that was the other one.”
As they discussed the seemingly endless supply of their eldest son’s girlfriends, Ronan ate his burger and noshed on a few fries. He was happy just to be included in the conversation. It seemed there were moments of intense anxiety on his parents’ part where they said something and then worried that he would take it the wrong way. When Ronan reacted kindly, they relaxed. He knew they weren’t trying to be rude. They were honestly unsure how to act around a gay man. Ronan was hoping they’d realize he was just like everyone else on the planet. For the moment, he knew that respect generated respect, so he was treating them the way he wanted to be treated.
Once everyone was done eating, he cleaned up the garbage and told Noah good-bye.
“Won’t you stay?” Noah asked.
“Visit with your folks.”
“You’re sweet.” Noah angled up for a kiss, but then seemed to change his mind. Ronan wasn’t upset. He’d never been one for public displays of affection. To him, that was private. Besides, there was no need to do something that would make his parents distinctly uncomfortable.
“It was really nice to share a meal with you.” Ronan shook hands with the Camerons, then left them alone with Noah. He felt he’d made tremendous progress. It was only a meal, but it was still a big step in the right direction. As much as Noah wanted him to stay, Ronan recognized the best way to endear himself to Noah’s parents was to be respectful of their time with their son.
Ronan drove home full of greasy goodness and brimming with cheer. Soon enough he’d be able to give Noah his well-earned reward, and then he’d be able to bring him home. They hadn’t actually talked about Noah moving in, but Ronan was subtly nudging him that direction. He was going to need aftercare. Since he’d given his notice at the apartment, Ronan, Michael, and Jonah went over and moved all of Noah’s things into a storage unit. Ronan wasn’t sure, but he had a feeling that had endeared him to the men of Noah’s family. He was gay, but he wasn’t lazy or weak.
What had surprised Ronan was how little Noah had. Mostly, he peered in wonder at his twin-size bed. It was a child’s bed. As he tried to imagine sleeping on anything that small, he realized it was probably all Noah could afford. Or, more likely, he wasn’t expected to buy a big bed until he had a wife. Ronan had had a king-size bed since he was a teenager. At six three, he needed all the room he could get.
Since the family had an extra space in their garage, they took Noah’s car until he was ready to get it back. For the moment, Noah’s driver license was up in the air. Because of the damage to his eyes, Noah had to be cleared by a doctor before he was legal to drive again. From what the doctor told him, Noah had periods of intense double vision. When Ronan asked Noah, he was dismissive. Ronan found it difficult to get Noah to talk about his recovery. He was worried until he realized Noah was probably just determined not to make Ronan worry. Noah thought by only telling Ronan positive things he was doing him a favor, but he wasn’t. Ronan wanted to help Noah through the process. To do that, he needed to know what was going on.
Still, things were going well. In a few days, Noah would be recovered enough to be moved out of the ICU and into a semiprivate room. That would make giving him his reward a little tricky, but Ronan was determined. No one could be sneaker than a man determined to give the love of his live an epic blowjob.
After a night alone, dreaming about Noah, Ronan was back at the hospital, ready to help Noah walk the hallways.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Porter. You’re not on the visitor list.”
Ronan was so shocked he thought he simply hadn’t heard the nurse correctly. “Can you check again?”
She looked down at the list and back up so fast it was obvious she wasn’t double-checking.
“I come every day,” Ronan said.
“I know.” She looked sad. “He took your name off last night.”
“But everything went fine last night. We had dinner with his folks. Burgers and fries and—” Ronan cut himself off. “What happened?”
“I’m afraid I can’t discuss his medical condition with you.”
“Is he conscious?”
“I can’t discuss that with you.” She looked thoroughly tormented. Obviously, something happened, but since Noah had cut Ronan out of the loop—and apparently out of his life—there wasn’t anything he could do.
Chapter Twenty
Noah heard Ronan’s voice. He put the pillow over his head and pressed it tight. After a few minutes, he pulled it off and discovered Ronan was gone. Noah sank down into the bed. He felt horrible for what he’d done, but he had to cut Ronan off now. The longer he lingered over the decision, the more painful it would be for the both of them. This way was like yanking off a bandage. It hurt like hell, but it was over, and now the healing could begin.
“You really should have told him.”
Noah turned away from the nurse. He didn’t need her opinion adding on to his guilt. He’d made his decision, and he was sticking with it.
“We don’t even know if it’s a permanent condition or not.”
“Please leave me alone.”
She was gone. When his parents came to visit, Noah didn’t tell them what he’d done. He wasn’t sure why. He thought they would probably be relieved, but then again, they had seemed to be warming up to Ronan. Not that it factored into his decision. Noah wasn’t going to be a burden to anyone.
Right in the middle of his parents’ visit last night, Noah had had a horrific seizure. He’d lost control of his bladder and pissed all over himself and the bed. He’d knocked over everything within reach. Of course, he didn’t know that until he’d woken up hours later. His parents were out in the waiting room. When they came in, they looked scared to death.
Noah didn’t remember the event at all. He’d been talking, and then it had been hours later. When he’d started seizing, someone had administered some drug to make it stop. It also put Noah out. When he’d finally came to, everything had been put to rights, but Doctor Naddleback had told him what had happened while his terrified parents listened in.
She’d been quick to point out that one seizure wasn’t indicative of anything. Most traumatic head injuries were followed by a seizure. Naddleback then explained about the risks of posttraumatic epilepsy.
“It’s not a given that’s what’s going on.”
“But I might have seizures the rest of my life?”
“Possibly. We won’t know until we see what happens.”
“Aren’t there tests?”
“There are a few, but nothing that can really say unequivocally that you have epilepsy. It’s more a diagnosis we arrive at by process of elimination.”
“So it’s not brain damage?” his mother asked.
“I’ll order new head CTs, but there wasn’t any damage when they were done prior to surgery to repair his orbital bone.”
Naddleback brought in other doctors to look at the scans and to offer advice. Noah just sat and did his best to keep up. Most of the medical talk went right over his head. He barely understood the difference between a CT and an X-ray, but in the end, the only thing that mattered was he had another seizure. And another. And another. Eventually, they put him on an antiseizure medication just to stop him from hurting himself. Instead of moving him to a semiprivate room, he was staying right in the ICU until they discovered what was wrong or he stopped seizing.
“They could just stop all of a sudden?”
“They could,” Naddleback said. “Some patients have one and then never have another. I’ve had patients who don’t have one until years after the head injury. We don’t know what causes it other than the obvious trauma the body has undergone.”
“I’m not getting my license back, am I?”
She frowned, prompting Noah to think he was silly for caring about something so minor a
t such a moment, but she didn’t mince words. “No.”
Noah had nodded and tried to be okay with the information. But he wasn’t. Having a car was freedom. When he slumped down in his bed and thought about his life with random and totally unpredictable seizures, he began to see all the things he couldn’t do. He couldn’t drive, so he would have to depend on others to get around. If he couldn’t drive, there was no way in hell he’d be able to fly a plane, so his dreams of going into aviation were over before they ever got started. Without the ability to drive, his day-to-day life took a sudden and very limiting turn.
“I won’t even be able to ride on the back of Ronan’s bike safely.”
That thought saddened him more than the others, but what prompted him to take Ronan off his visitor list was the idea of Ronan having to change his clothing and sheets after Noah pissed himself. Hot shame washed over him, making him feel exposed and embarrassed. If just the thought of that situation could make him so upset, there was no way he was ever going to experience such a scenario in real life.
Despite being turned away, Ronan came again the next day.
Noah still wouldn’t grant him entrance.
“I’m going to come every day until he sees me. You tell him that. I’m not giving up. I don’t care how long I have to do this. I will see him, and he will tell me to my face why he’s pushing me away when I love him.”
The nurse came in and reported what Ronan had said. Hearing it a second time only made Noah feel worse than he already did. He was a coward, and he knew it. He should tell Ronan to his face what was going on, but every time Noah tried to picture that moment, he saw himself having a seizure. Ronan would want to stay with him because he would feel sorry for him. After a few months of having to care for him, Noah thought Ronan would grow resentful and probably start to hate him. For some reason, he kept seeing himself in Ronan’s bed. They were trying to have sex, but Noah kept having seizures, so eventually, Ronan gave up.
Rather than suffer the pain and awkwardness of a long-drawn-out relationship demise, Noah opted to cut things off before they ever got deeper. Ronan was angry and clearly hurt, if the tone of his voice was any indication, but he would be less hurt now than he would be later on. However, if Noah were being very honest with himself, the truth was he couldn’t bear to see the love in Ronan’s eyes slowly turn to regret.
