Three Plays

by Mike Sutton

  Eugene – Hey Jim

  Jim – Sup gee dawg!

  Eugene – Not a whole lot…you?

  Jim – Nuthin here yo!

  Eugene – Jim, is Art back yet?

  Jim – Not yet, why do ya ask?

  Eugene – I need to talk to him about something.

  Jim – Well he should be back later today, he was planning on making the opening of Liz’s show.

  Eugene (sits down on the other couch and sighs) Thanks, I’ll catch him then. (Pause) Are you still reading that stupid comic book?

  Jim- Damn strait! Sumo Assassin kicks ass! And I’ll thank you not to call it stupid.

  Eugene – It’s the dumbest concept for a comic book ever. A Sumo wrestler who fights for the forces of good as a vigilante by killing bad guys, and also making some money while he’s at it. And his sidekick, Toothpick…what a dork, Toothpick is like the most useless sidekick ever.

  Jim – You just fear the mad sumo skills. And it’s Skinny, Sumo Assassin’s sidekick is named Skinny. You also forgot about the sumo-mobile, anybody who drives a steam roller with a built in jet engine has my loyalty for life. Besides Skinny has great super abilities, he can slip into places that Sumo can’t go. Not to mention he’s a master of disguise, he can speak 12 languages fluently and women dig him because he is a master on the dance-floor.

  Eugene – The Sumo-mobile is just a cheap rip-off of the bat-mobile. The entire story is about a famous millionaire sumo wrestler turned vigilante. “Wrestling for the honor of the downtrodden.” What the hell were they smoking when they came up with that one? And Twiggy? No chicks would ever like him, he weighs 50 pounds, chicks like guys with big muscles. Then there’s his hair, did he stick a finger in a light socket? And don’t forget that Pig Latin and Klingon don’t count real languages. When he does say something it’s usually so pointless and offensive that any chicks who might have managed to overlook his bizarre hair and lack of physical mass would be so insulted that they would probably try to kill the annoying little bastard.

  Jim – Don’t even compare Batman to Sumo Assassin! Batman is a weakling in a stupid costume with some gizmos, without his gizmos he’s just a loser in tights. All Sumo Assassin has to protect him from his enemies are, his Sumo Loin Cloth, and his Sumo Fighting Skills. They’re all he needs. Hell the loincloth isn’t even bullet proof. On top of that the Sumo-mobile can outrun the Bat-mobile any day of the week, not to mention the fact that its solar powered so its earth friendly.

  Eugene – And what pray tell were Slim’s other powers? Oh yeah that’s right, he can eat all he wants and not gain a pound. Wooooooooo, damn the bad guys must be quaking in their boots at Slim’s eating disorder. Wonder if they’re all afraid of getting vomit on them…

  Jim – Skinny is the comic relief. If the entire thing were just Sumo fighting, and killing his enemies, it would get kind of boring, so they have someone to laugh at. Skinny’s other job is to distract the bad guys while Sumo Assassin charges up his Super Sumo Slap Attack. And last but not least, Skinny is there to make sure that Sumo gets his money’s worth when they go eat at a buffet.

  Eugene – (laughs) They’re the dumbest pair of heroes ever.

  Jim (goes back to reading his comic book, till something occurs to him) Gene, is there something wrong? You haven’t acted like a gangster in the last two minutes, you feeling sick or something?

  Eugene – I gave up being a gangster last night.

  Jim – Huh? What for?

  Eugene – It just didn’t feel right.

  Jim – (grinning) You got your ass kicked again didn’t you?

  Eugene – Nobody kicked my ass, it just wasn’t really me.

  Jim – So, who beat you up? Was it that group of wannabe gangsters that you were trying to join? Or was it a real gang?

  Eugene – Nobody Kicked My Ass! I’m just not a gangster at heart, it’s not the right way to go. Not enough evil. I want a more sophisticated evil.

  Jim – They must of really beat you down, I haven’t seen you change that fast since that time you….

  Eugene – I didn’t get my ass kicked!

  Jim – Didja run away or cry and beg for mercy this time?

  Eugene – I ran, buncha assholes that they were, wanted to hit me with baseball bats and stuff. That isn’t what I wanted. I just want people to be afraid whenever they hear my name mentioned, why weren’t they quaking in their boots?

  Jim – Hate to break it to you, but Eugene doesn’t inspire fear into anyone. Well maybe girls who might one day marry a guy with the name Eugene. In fact I bet mom’s all over the country use that as a threat ‘eat yer peas or else maybe you’ll end up marrying a guy named Eugene.’ I bet it works too. I’d be afraid.

  Eugene - Shut up dude.

  Jim – So, what’d you do to get your butt almost handed to you this time?

  Eugene – Nothing.

  Jim – Even wannabes don’t usually beat people up for no reason. What’d you do this time? Didja make a pass at one of their sisters? Like…

  Eugene – No, I didn’t do anything.

  Jim – Didja use the wrong gang hand-signs again? Like that time when you told those kids that you were a member of the northern-southeastern-side bloody gangsta hood lords…

  Eugene – I didn’t use and hand signs.

  Jim – That was funny, it took em 5 minutes to put all those signs together and realize what you said. When they finally did, I thought they we’re gonna die laughing. And then you turned that dark red color and ran off. And then they laughed even harder.

  Eugene – I didn’t use any hand signs damnit.

  Jim – I know, you used your cache of ‘your mamma’ jokes on em. Am I right? Come on, am I right? Your momma is so fat she eats Wheat-Thicks! That would have done it.

  Eugene – No, I didn’t call their mom’s anything, cut it out damnit, I didn’t do anything to make them angry. (gets up and paces a bit, rubbing his hands through his hair, or some other sort of nervous/annoyed action)

  Jim – Since it wasn’t something you said…you must have worn your McDonald’s uniform for gang colors again.

  Eugene – It should have worked, people just don’t seem to understand how tough you have to be to work there. The heat, the humiliation, the fact that you work for a clown. It’s a dangerous job. The uniform should inspire fear and respect in all who see it. I was even wearing my visor backwards!

  Jim – (laughs) you only worked at McDonald’s for 3 weeks before you quit.

  Eugene – That’s longer than you lasted janitor-boy, you only made it for like 30 minutes before you quit.

  (Liz walks in)

  Jim – I only applied cause you were working there. One look at those bathrooms after that group of frat boys stopped in was enough for me. I thought that I had seen some nasty things at school, but that was…

  Eugene – I’ve seen it… (both of them suppress a shiver)

  Liz – Hey Geney, where’s your ‘gangsta’ gear? I’m surprised you don’t have it with you, since you spent so much money on it.

  Jim – Didn’t you hear? Gene’s not a gangsta any more. He tried impressing some other gang-banger wannabes and they kicked his ass…

  Eugene – They didn’t kick my ass.

  Liz – What didja do? Throw around the gang signs like that one time we ran into those real gang members? Remember that Jim?

  Jim – Yeah, it was one of the funniest things I ever saw. Almost as good as that time that Gene…

  Eugene – Gahhhhh (gets up and walks swiftly out) I’m outta here. Gotta go find me someone who appreciates, and understands my-evil-self.

  Jim & Liz (Giggling) Seeya around grand master gee dawg Eugene!

  Liz – What a goofus.

  Jim – He’s never gonna change, always gonna have those delusions of being an evil overlord or something.

  Liz – Evil overlord! Hah! He’s about as evil as Mr. Rogers. And he spends way too much time
in the Land of Make Believe talking to little hand puppets.

  Jim – Well, there was that one time where he threw those water balloons at Mr. Svinvali down the street.

  Liz – he didn’t get within 10 feet of the old man, and he was off and running before the single water balloon that he actually threw was halfway too his target. He’s a wimp, and a poor shot. He always runs out of courage before he achieves his goal of becoming ‘evil’.

  Jim – It was pretty funny when Mr Svinvali caught up with him. It’s a good thing that he didn’t tell Eugene’s father though, that was a relief, especially after the last time Gene’s dad found about one of his little adventures. Ah shit…

  Liz – …so that’s why Eugene was in the hospital for that entire week. He always claimed that he fell down the stairs to his basement, oh God, I teased him about it, I feel so bad.

  Jim – I wasn’t sposed to say anything, he’s gonna be pissed.

  Liz – what happened?

  Jim - Technically he did fall down the stairs. But his dad was the one who kicked him and made him fall. He pretty much moved in here ever since that happened, I don’t think he’s been home since for more than five minutes at a time. And never when his dad is home.

  Liz – Why don’t the police do anything about it? We should have that bastard arrested.

  Jim – Eugene won’t press charges. He only ever says that he tripped. He’s been doing it since he was a kid. You know him, he won’t fight, no matter how he pretends at being evil. He always finds a way to wiggle out of trouble. Usually.

  Liz – who else knows about this?

  Jim – Just me and my dad. Even Johnny doesn’t know, which I guess is a good thing, maybe, I don’t know if Johnny would give Eugene an easier time if he did know. Johnny’s temper has been bad since mom and dad divorced.

  Liz – Poor Eugy, he’s such an imaginative sweet guy, even though he’s a goof most of the time. Even with his ‘evil plans’.

  Jim – Just don’t let on that you know, he’s really embarrassed by it. I wasn’t sposed to tell anyone in the first place. I don’t think he would forgive me any time soon if he found out. Just don’t say anything about it, no matter what, please.

  Liz – Ok ok, I won’t say anything, but I think we should still press charges against his father.

  Jim – There’s no way to prove it, now please drop the whole subject, and try to forget about it.

  Liz – I told you I would. God don’t you believe me?

  Jim – well there was that time…

  Liz – Stop bringing that up! God, don’t you people ever forget anything.

  Jim – Not something THAT funny. I mean the way that you…

  Liz – (yelling) …I’m not listening…

  -Johnny walks in-Neither Jim or Liz see him

  Jim – (also yelling) …and then there was the rolling on the floor…

  Liz – (still yelling) …La dee da dum dee la dee da…

  Jim – …I never saw your parents so embarrassed in my life, it was great

  Johnny – Did I miss something?

  Jim – Uhh…Not really, we were just discussing who would win in an all out fight, a gang of angry circus midgets wielding pointed sticks, or the seven dwarves after they find out that Snow White is missing.

  Liz – Ah yeah, yes, that’s it. Ten Midgets didja say? I’m going with the angry gang of midgets wielding the pointed sticks they have the numbers and pointed sticks.

  Jim – There doesn’t need to be a lot of dwarves, just one of them is worth like 3 midgets, pointed sticks or no pointed sticks. What they lack in quantity they make up in quality. I mean these guys are huge and muscular, at least from a midget’s perspective, and they have those pick-axes they use around the mine. The seven dwarves would win hands down.

  Liz – you’re forgetting that the dwarves have just come home after a long day’s work in the mines. They’re exhausted, they’re not looking for a fight. They don’t have a prayer of taking on all 10 of the midgets. The dwarves might be angry about Snow White being kidnapped, but that doesn’t compare to even to the daily life of a midget. Midgets have all the pent up rage of being so different from the rest of humanity and condemned to circus life to fuel their fire in the midst of battle. The midgets could take the seven dwarves unarmed and surprised.

  Jim – Yeah, you’re right, now if it was the dwarves from The Hobbit that’d be a different story. The Seven Dwarves just have too many neuroses to deal with on top of a pack of angry bloodthirsty midgets. I concede, the dwarves never stood a chance, and I knew it from the get go.

  Johhny – (Sneering) Then why did you back them then if they can’t win.

  Jim – Cause of that song they sing, the midgets can’t touch the dwarves in the realm of singing those cheerful and catchy coming home from work songs. They have heart! If this were like a battle of the bands, the dwarves would grind the midgets to dust, and then dance on the dust.

  Johnny – You’re an idiot, I can’t believe that we’re related.

  Jim – Another pleasant mood I see. Catch yourself in your zipper again didja?

  Johnny – Fuck you. I’m outta here. (turns around and leaves)

  Liz – What’s his problem?

  Jim – I’m not sure, I think mom fed him lead paint chips when he was a kid.

  Liz – That would explain a lot, he has only gotten worse lately.

  Jim – For some reason the divorce hit him hard. It doesn’t make much sense, mom never treated him all that well.

  Liz – She always seemed nice to me.

  Jim – Mom was like 2 different people, she was lovable and sweet around company, but when there was only us… she told him a million times since he was a baby that she hated him and that he was a mistake. She meant it too.

  Liz – You’re making this up aren’t you. You’re just messing with me, very funny Jimbo, very funny. Saying those kind of things about your own mother. Its wrong…

  Jim – Do you remember Johnny’s tenth birthday where he got all the presents and stuff? That mound of gifts, and the huge party?

  Liz – Of course, I was sooooo jealous, my parents haven’t ever done that sort of thing for me…

  Jim - Well the party was paid for out of Johnny’s college savings account. He kind of made a nuisance of himself to get a party, so she made him spend his money to pay for it.

  Liz – That must have cost a fortune, did he have to pay for the gifts too? They must have cost $1000 alone.

  Jim – No, other people bought some of those…

  Liz – well that’s not so bad as I thought…

  Jim – She took the ones that we bought him back to the stores, and the rest she gave to the rest of it all to the Salvation Army. She told him “those things were too good for someone as worthless as him.” He must have cried for a month afterwards. That was just one event. She told him that sort of thing all his life, when she wasn’t trying to control all of our lives. She ground him into the dirt at every opportunity.

  Liz – How did you and your father get through it when poor Johnny didn’t?

  Jim – Dad spent a lot of time at work. There were some weeks when he was working 60 hours or more. He always claimed that he was trying to support the family, but after the shop became more and more successful he was making some damn good money. He even hired a few other workers to help with the work-load.

  Liz – Dad always thought that he was just a hard worker and a ‘good Christian man’. How about you? How did you survive your mom?

  Jim – A good friend of mine, you may know him, saved me.

  Liz – oh? Who?

  Jim – Sumo Assa…

  Liz – Not that stupid comic book character. I thought you grew out of that. What is with you and those stupid comic books? You could have at least picked something good like Batman.

  Jim – Sumo has always been there for me in my times of need.

  Liz – Really?

  J
im – Yeah, till mom found out what they meant to me. She burned my collection when I was at school one day. At least all the comics she could find anyways. I hid the rest. (shakes his head) I had every edition of Sumo Assassin all in mint condition. They’d be worth a fortune now to another collector.

  Liz – I doubt it, you were the only person I’ve ever met who read that comic and actually kept reading it.

  (Eugene enters quietly and sneaks up on the couple)

  Jim – Hey, Sumo Assassin has a large and loyal fan base!

  Liz – Only, if you mean that the people who read it are all fat kids.

  Eugene – (Yells) SEE! I told you that that comic was stupid! See Liz agrees with me! (does a victory dance) I’m right and you’re wrong! Once again evil triumphs!

  Jim – What do you want now Gene?

  Eugene – I’m right, right yes…. Oh? What? Oh yeah, I’ve been thinking about what you said about Eugene not being a name to inspire fear in the masses.

  Liz – (snickers) You can say that again, it’s almost as bad as Wesley in its ability to scare people. Unless you’re the person being named Eugene or Wesley, then it’s scary.

  Jim – What about it Gene?

  Eugene – Well I’m thinking of changing it to make it scarier…

  Jim – Oh God, here we go

  Eugene – …and since you have so many good ideas I could really use your help.

  Jim – What do you want? Something like ‘Eugene the Destroyer’?

  Eugene – No no no! I want a name that rings through the ages, one that people will remember one thousand years from now, one that rolls off their tongue, even as it makes them quiver in fear.

  Jim – Well ‘Eugene the Destroyer’ wont really do that. How about Stalin?

  Eugene – Be serious, Stalin’s already been taken, but that’s the kind of fear that I want to inspire. Don’t forget it needs to sound good.

  Liz – How about ‘Shaka Zulu Head-Eater’

  Eugene – It sounds good, but it’s way too long.

  Jim – Chainsaw Bob maybe?

  Eugene – I already used that one. Come on, help me out here Jim. Quit goofing around.

  Liz – That was his biker name Jim.

  Jim – Ah yes, the biker name, I was wondering where I was remembering it from. Why was it that you quit being a biker?

  Eugene – Bikers aren’t evil enough to suit me, they’re just mean and sometimes stinky. So can we get back to finding a new name?

  Liz – They must have beaten him up.

  Jim – They didn’t like you pretending to be a biker did they?

  Eugene – No, they didn’t seem to, so they asked me to stop.

  Jim – And you did? They asked you to stop and you did? Why didn’t I think of that?

  Eugene – There were eight large hairy men, and they had knives and clubs. I assume you’ve seen movies about bikers. Can we get on with the new name now?

  Jim – Ah yes, biker movies, I don’t think you’d have made one of them a good wife anyways. Guess asking you to stop wouldn’t work for me after all.

  Liz – I told you that you should start lifting weights, besides you might look cute in a leather jacket.

  Jim – I think it’s easier not to piss large men off, then they have no reason to hurt me, and I have no reason to life weights, so I don’t need large muscles. Unless you count the appeal to chicks. Besides working out would require going out in that hot weather under that big hot shiny bright thing.

  Liz – A little exercise out in the sunshine won’t hurt you.

  Jim – Maybe, maybe not, but it would cut into my video game time. In the end that’s all that really matters.

  Eugene – Hello? Scary names? Causing fear? Still there?

  Jim – That’s right, terrifying names. Terrifying names. Microsoft? Strike fear into the hearts of millions.

  Liz – (giggles)

  Eugene – Oh funny. Look if you don’t want to help…

  Jim – Hey I’m trying. It’s harder than it looks.

  Eugene – You could concentrate on the task at hand. How do you ever get your homework done if you can’t concentrate? You’re going to be a janitor forever.

  Jim – If you’re going to be an asshole about it…

  Eugene – Touchy, touchy. God I was just kidding. Look I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend. Now can we get on with the name?

  Liz – If you want something big and bad and scary, why don’t you go with a famous name, that no human has ever used, like Polythemus, or Kraken or even Grendal.

  Eugene – Hey, that’s a good idea, I would never have thought of using a name of a mythological monster. Thanks Liz.

  Jim – Most of those names aren’t well known, and the people who do know them would die of laughter rather than of fear.

  Liz – Use a modern monster name then, like King Kong or Dracula or something.

  Eugene – Hey great! I know, Godzilla. It’s perfect. GODZILLA!

  Jim – Godzilla is just a guy in a dinosaur costume. You’d do about as well taking the name Barney. Maybe then you’d get people to hug you.

  Eugene – Non-believer. It’ll work. It’s a well know fact that Godzilla is feared by millions of Japanese people.

  Jim – Right…and where did you hear that fact? Hmmmm? You haven’t been buying tabloids again have you?

  Eugene – I never bought tabloids. That would be stupid. I stole them, or just read them in the checkout line. And about Godzilla being feared, well I was talking to Rusty down the street.

  Jim – Wait, you mean the same Rusty who never leaves his parent’s basement and watches nothing but Japanese cartoons? The one who got thrown into the school dumpster every day at lunchtime by the girls chess team?

  Eugene – That’s the Rusty and it’s called Anime. Well Rusty was telling me about how it’s illegal to yell ‘Godzilla’ in a Japanese theatre, like how it’s illegal to yell Fire in an American theatre. He says that it’s because the Japanese are that afraid of Godzilla. And who can blame them after he ruined Tokyo so many times. But anyways Rusty said that most older Japanese people will just soil their shorts even at the mention of their old nemesis. Not only that, but everyone knows the name Godzilla. Godzilla will be perfect! Thanks Liz! (Starts walking towards the door)

  Jim & Liz – Wait where are you going?

  Eugene – I’m going to test out my new name. There’s gotta be a few Japanese tourists somewhere around town. I am GODZILLA! (Walks off stage)

  Liz – He’s not going to get himself hurt is he?

  Jim – Hard to say, this has got to be more harmless than some of the other things he was doing though. Most likely he’ll just get chased off by some angry tourists.

  Liz – What’s he done that is worse than this? And what did he mean when he said ‘you’re good at this sort of thing.’

  Jim – He didn’t mean anything by it.

  Liz – He meant something by it, otherwise he wouldn’t have said anything. Now what did you do?

  Jim – you know Gene, he says thing all the time. He was just being Gene.

  Liz – What did you do? You didn’t give him the idea to tell the anorexics that they were fat did you?

  Jim – No, that’s cruel. I had nothing to do with that, or the time that he was hanging out in the retirement home and mouthing speech to make the old folks think that they were going deaf.

  Liz – James you tell me what you did to make Eugene come to you for advice.

  Jim – Or what?

  Liz – Or I’ll tell everyone I know that I’ve seen you naked.

  Jim – Ohhhhh I’m shaking.

  Liz – And I’ll let them all know that there wasn’t anything worth seeing.

  Jim – (Dumbfounded) And you complain that Gene is cruel.

  Liz – (Slaps him) Damint Jim tell me.

  Eugene – GODZILLA!

  Jim – Alright, alright. Well you remember when Gene was calling people up
at three in the morning and doing that evil laugh…

  Liz – Yeah, that got annoying…

  Jim – I know, he did it to me like 10 times.

  Liz – So?

  Jim – Finally I just snapped and told him that calling people and laughing like a maniac wasn’t evil, it was just annoying.

  Liz – What does that have to do with it?

  Jim – Well, he kept on badgering me and asking me how he could make it truly evil, you know Gene, once he gets something into his head he sticks with it until he gets it working, unless it almost kills him.

  Liz – Or until he gets beaten up.

  Jim – That too.

  Liz – So what did you suggest?

  Jim – I told him that calling people at 3 am wasn’t evil. Calling people at 3 am long distance and collect is evil. I figured that way he would at least stop calling me.

  Liz – Oh, that’s all. Wait a minute… How did he get the queen of England’s home phone number? And how did he get them to accept a long distance collect call from someone they didn’t even know? And how did he do it without being caught and sent over to the Brits for the butt-whupping that he deserved?

  Jim – I think he found the number on the internet. As for how he got them to answer, I think he told the servant who answered that the United States was calling to invite the queen to brunch or something. I think the Royal family has been inbreeding their servants a little too long. As for the rest, I’m sworn to secrecy.

  Liz – But it was all over the news! ‘Local mad-man harasses Queen of England over phone’. They were searching for weeks! And it was Gene all along?

  Jim – Yep, he moved up into the realm of international nuisance.

  Liz – Gene, the most sought after phone prankster on the planet…

  Jim – We know a legend.

  Liz – But why can’t we know a good kind of legend? Like an athlete or a movie-star? Why does it have to be an evil-wannabe prankster?

  Jim – Beggars can’t be choosers I guess.

  Liz – But I didn’t want it! Doesn’t that count for anything?

  Jim – Sorry, no. You’re doomed to be apart of the Gene Saga just like the rest of us. Maybe if you’re lucky, when historians decide to piece together what went wrong here, you won’t be blamed for what happened here.

  Liz – What do you mean? Why would I be blamed?

  Jim – Well you could be the beautiful lover who turned him to evil. Or the cold-hearted sister figure who abandoned him when he most needed you.

  Liz – Where would they get those ideas?

  Jim – They’re historians, they get those kind of ideas all the time. Besides I’ll make sure to write it in my journal.

  Liz – You have a diary? Why didn’t I know about that? Am I in it? Did you say that I’m beautiful in your diary?

  Jim – It’s not a diary it’s a journal, there’s a difference. And anyways anything I put into it is classified material. Hush hush, need to know type information.

  Liz – Not a diary huh? What’s the difference between a diary and a journal hmmm? They seem the same to me.

  Jim – There are a lot of differences…

  Liz – Such as?

  Jim – Well… A Journal… A diary… Journals aren’t pink. And… And the cover says diary instead of journal… Journal rather than diary that is. Anyone can keep a Journal, where as diaries are usually kept by thirteen year old girls who only talk about their first kiss and the newest popular music groups.

  Liz – How long have you been keeping your diary?

  Jim – I’ve been keeping my JOURNAL since I was 14.

  Liz – And what do you write about? Cute girls and your favorite bands?

  Jim – I write about stuff. Things, this and that. Nothing you would care to read.

  (Johnny re-enters)

  Liz – Like car races and power tools and machine guns and stuff.

  Jim – Just stuff. Why don’t you believe me that you wouldn’t be interested?

  Johnny – Give it up, he’s right it’s boring and stupid. I’m surprised that Jim even bothered to write the crap down.

  Jim – What the hell? You little shit! How many times have I told you to keep away from my things? Goddamn little bastard. If I ever catch you in my room again, you’ll wish you’d hanged yourself a long time ago. Speaking of which, why don’t you go kill yourself now, it would make the world a better place.

  Johnny - Fuck you, I’ll do whatever I want. Don’t worry about me reading your diary again anyways, it sucked. Everything in it was completely moronic. God I can’t believe that I read it in the first place.

  Liz – What’s in your diary?

  Jim – JOURNAL.

  Johnny – Diary.

  Jim – JOURNAL.

  Liz – I want to know.

  Johnny – It’s not worth reading, he just writes about his ‘thoughts’. Nothing exciting, just stupid things like whether or not life is a dream. He doesn’t even bother to make it coherent, he just dribbles it out using big words. Most of those words he doesn’t use correctly. Idiot.

  Liz - You mean like his Canadian change theory?

  Jim – They’re damn good ideas. And you’re just angry cause you don’t understand words with more than four letters and one syllable. And who are you calling idiot? I’m not the one who failed Gym class.

  Johnny – The Canadian change theory was there. I still can’t believe that he even bothered to waste the time to write it down.

  Liz – Neither can I. What were you smoking when you came up with that one Jim? It sounds like something Eugene would invent.

  Jim – That theory is sound and ingenious. The two of you are just blind to Canada’s evil plans. Don’t blame me when there’s a Mounty on every street corner.

  Liz – Right, Canadian overlords, Eh. (laughs) Can’t trust those Canuks.

  Johnny – You actually believe that the Canadians are slowly invading the United States don’t you. Mom must’ve dropped you on your head when you were a baby. I wouldn’t put it past the bitch.

  Jim – Why don’t you two see it? They’ve already got Northern Michigan, Wisconsin, and Minnesota.

  Johnny – Got any proof brain-child?

  Jim – Canadians drink beer, watch obsessive amounts of hockey and say Eh. People in those northern states drink beer, watch obsessive amounts of hockey and say Eh. All three of those states border Canada. Those states have obviously been slowly taken over by advanced Canadian forces.

  Johnny – I suppose that all the famous movie stars born in Canada are really advance scouts for the rest of the army then. Spreading their evil propaganda and brain-washing the masses hmmmm?

  Jim – Damn strait, those Canadians are sneaky bastards. They spread like a virus, but they do it slowly so nobody notices. But I’m on to them. They won’t get away with this!

  Liz – Bwa ha ha ha!

  Jim & Johnny – What was that?

  Liz – That was an evil sounding laugh, I learned it from Gene.

  Jim – But why did you do it?

  Liz – It just seemed to fit into the whole mood of the conversation.

  Jim – BAH! You people won’t open your eyes until people in Palm Beach are drinking beer watching hockey and saying Eh. Will you? The whole world is full of blind fools who laugh at anyone who can see the truth and dare to talk about what they see.

  Liz – I think some people in Flordia already drink beer and watch hockey, dunno about how often they say Eh though.

  Jim – That ain’t funny.

  Liz – I’m serious, Hockey is popular all over the country.

  Jim - God pity us all I’m too late. I’d better start learning about Canada now. How do you say ‘Gimme a beer’ in French?

  Johnny – I don’t think it matters, they’ll probably put you into a sanitarium, you’re as crazy as that retard Eugene. The Canadians are sposed to have a good healthcare system, maybe they’ll fix what-ever
is wrong with you. Speaking of the retard, what the hell is he still doin here? Doesn’t he have his own family that he can irritate? Or is it ‘all part of his evil plan’ to piss me off? He’s always here. I hate that stupid putz.

  Jim – Didn’t you know? Gene lives here now, he said it was easier to have a more centralized base of operation. Besides he said he wanted to spend more time with you. Build a relationship. Bring you into his plan.

  Liz – What does that mean? Centralized Base of Operations?

  Johnny – Yeah, he only lives a mile away from here.

  Jim – I just think its part of his master evil plan to piss you off. Seems that Gene has once again scored a point for the forces of darkness. I wonder if he’s working for the Canadians. You guys ever seen Gene drink beer and watch hockey?

  Johnny – I don’t watch Gene do anything. I just wish he’d get outta here.

  Jim – Maybe if you’re lucky, and ask nicely, he’ll teach you about Canada. Then my beloved brother, you can pretend to fit in, but secretly work for the resistance forces.

  Liz – That just may work.

  Jim – You’re our only hope Johnny boy. All our hopes for freedom ride on your capable shoulders! To victory!

  Johnny – Then you’re screwed jack-ass, I’d rather stand in front of a speeding train and try to stop it with just my psychic powers than to spend an extra minute around that moron.

  Liz – Since when did you get Psychic powers?

  Jim – Hey do you do readings? I’d kinda like to know my future. Will I meet my knight in shining armor?

  Johnny – I don’t have psychic powers.

  Jim – Then why did you tell us that you did? What a let-down.

  Johnny – I just meant that, I’d rather be hit by a speeding train than to talk to the king of idiots again.

  Liz – Why didn’t you just say that in more simple terms in the first place? No need to lead us on. We got all excited about knowing our future, and here you go and do that.

  Jim – Yeah, with a psychic to help us we could stave off the Canadian advance, you got my hopes up.

  Johnny – Ha Ha Ha. The king of Idiots, and his two Court Jesters. I can’t believe I’m actually talking about this. By the way, dad is home, that’s why I came down here. Anyways dorks, I’m outta here. (gets up and exits)

  Jim – (Calls after Johnny) Wait, I still want to know my lucky numbers!

  Liz – (giggling) That was fun.

  Jim – Twas indeed, he actually almost cracked a smile. He was even near actual laughter for a few minutes there.

  Liz – well we can keep trying. I think it helps the healing process.

  Jim – I dunno, He hasn’t been in a good mood since he found dad’s porn collection.

  Liz – Your dad collects porn?

  Jim – Well, ‘collects’ is a bit too strong. He did manage to acquire a huge pile of it though.

  Liz – I can’t believe that your mom would allow too have that sort of thing in the house.

  Jim – She didn’t, the pile just seemed to appear about six months after she left. Then it started to multiply. I think he was making up for a lot of lost time. A lot of lost time.

  Liz – How did John find it? Didn’t your dad keep it hidden?

  Jim – Ill just say that there was a lot to hide. And to be able to have access to it, well there wasn’t any practical way to really keep it out of the hands of anyone who actually bothered to look.

  Liz – There’s that much?

  Jim – Dad could almost start his own shop with what he’s got so far.

  Liz – I never thought of your dad as a dirty old man before.

  Jim – Kinda funny isn’t it?

  Liz – It’s gross!

  Jim – I don’t think he’s gotten laid since well before Johnny was born.

  Liz – How can you actually talk that way about your dad? He’s your dad!

  Jim – We all have urges you know. Just cause he’s a bit older doesn’t change anything. I think the pile of porn defiantly proves that. I bet your parents are the same.

  Liz – My parents? Yeah right!

  Jim – They’re both healthy active adults. They made you didn’t they. Just in case you slept through health class, sex is how babies are made.

  Liz – First of all, it’s disgusting thinking about my parents doing that. Secondly, even when they sleep in the same house, they sleep in different beds.

  Jim – They sleep in different beds? It’s like a 1950’s television show. Anyways they could push the beds together from time to time.

  Liz – They couldn’t push the beds together though, they sleep in different rooms.

  Jim – I’m surprised that each of them doesn’t have their own porn collections that rival my dad’s.

  Liz – They don’t need to buy porn.

  Jim – They visit each other’s rooms then?

  Liz – No, they hardly talk to each other.

  Jim – How do they manage staying sane?

  Liz - Well dad has his secretary, I think anyways. And mom, well she has the gardener, the pool boy, the mail-man, and any other strait male human being who is unfortunate to come across her path, and a few who don’t even get that close.

  Jim – Sounds like your mom is busy, and that would explain a few things.

  Liz – What would it explain?

  Jim – Nothing in particular…

  Liz – Don’t pull that crap on me again Jim, what does it explain?

  Jim – What crap? I’m not doing anything?

  Liz – Jim, you have to the count of three (Gets up and acts threatening) …one!

  Jim – Four Thousand and Six!

  Liz – Two! (Continues acting threatening)

  Jim – Forty-two!

  Liz – Thr… (Ready to hit him)

  Jim – …She pinched me!

  Liz – Where?

  Jim – At your house mostly…

  Liz – I mean what part of you did she pinch?

  Jim – She pinched my butt. It was rather uncomfortable. You said my dad was a dirty old man, your mom…

  Liz – That Bitch. I told her to leave you alone. Is that why you don’t come over any more? Is that why you didn’t come to my pool party?

  Jim – I didn’t go to that because my swimsuit makes me look fat.

  Liz – Jim…

  Jim – Alright, your mother makes me extremely uncomfortable, with all her little smiles and suggestions and the pinching. With that on top of my swimsuit making me look fat, well I just didn’t feel up to it.

  Liz - I guess I’m going to have to talk to her again. This time she’d better listen.

  Jim – Um, ok.

  Liz – I gotta be going soon to the showing. Will you please stop by?

  Jim – Will your mother be there?

  Liz – For at least a little while.

  Jim – I really don’t want to see her again. Especially after you ‘talk’ to her.

  Liz – She’ll be there for the first half. I think she plans to leave about two-ish. She’s meeting the gardener to ‘discuss some shrubberies’.

  Jim – I’ll be there after two then. Maybe I’ll bring Johnny or dad along as protection.

  Liz – I don’t think she would hit on Johnny, he’s too young for her tastes. And your father isn’t her type.

  Jim – Lucky them. Hate to say this, but your mom is kind of nasty.

  Liz – Yet the gardener and the mailman like her.

  Jim – I’ve seen your gardener, it’s not like women throw themselves at him. I bet his porn collection is even bigger than my dad’s.

  Liz – He has my mom. He doesn’t need porn.

  Jim – I think the porn would be more appealing. It doesn’t smoke all those cigarettes. How does your mom smoke that much and still manage not to get ten different cancers?

  Liz – I think she was born to smoke, perhaps she was genetically crossed with a tobacco plant. Well I have to go (Ge
ts up and starts for the door), remember she leaves around Two. Please come.

  Jim – Will do.

  Liz – Bye Jim. (walks out)

  Jim – See you at the show. (goes back to reading his comic book)