Three Plays

by Mike Sutton

  Johnny – What’s the so damn important secret you wanted to share?

  Jim – It’s not a secret.

  Johnny – Then why did you want to meet in private?

  Jim – We just need to have a talk.

  Johnny – Right. About what?

  Jim – Well, important things.

  Johnny – I already know all about sex.

  Jim – Alright…

  Johnny – I probably get more action than you do.

  Jim – Really? That’s hard to believe.

  Johnny – Sod off. I do.

  Jim – Sheep don’t count.

  Johnny – Go to Hell!

  Jim – Come on, that was funny.

  Johnny – I didn’t think so.

  Jim – Where’s your sense of humor? It ain’t healthy not to laugh from time to time.

  Johnny – Who says?

  Jim – The ancient Mayans.

  Johnny – The ancient Mayans say it’s un-healthy to laugh?

  Jim – Yeah, they did a lot of study on it.

  Johnny – Why haven’t I ever heard of that before?

  Jim – Uh well, our scientists have finally started to decode their language.

  Johnny – They’ve just decoded the Mayan language?

  Jim – Yep.

  Johnny – And the most exciting thing you have to say about their discovery is that the Mayans believed that not laughing is bad?

  Jim – Well, not the most important thing, but it’s the only one of their discoveries that has any relevance to this conversation.

  Johnny – Where the hell do you find this crap?

  Jim – Honestly?

  Johnny – Yes honestly, unless it’s just one of your big secrets.

  Jim – Ok, I just make it all up as I go along.

  Johnny – What the hell for?

  Jim – Why not?

  Johnny – Because it’s pointless.

  Jim – Maybe, but it’s also a lot of fun.

  Johnny – How? How is looking like an idiot in any way fun?

  Jim – John, it’s using your wits. Thinking on the run, improvising. It’s a challenge. Some times you win, some times you get chased off by an angry mob wielding torches in the night.

  Johnny – How is it fun?

  Jim – Being chased by a torch wielding mob? Well it’s a lot like hide and seak…

  Johnny – No, the ‘improvising’ you claim you do. How is acting like a retarded lunatic in front of a crowd fun?

  Jim – It’s only fun if you do it well, and then because of the rush you get when you pull it off. Usually at the very least you get a laugh.

  Johnny – I prefer that people laugh with me not at me.

  Jim – There isn’t much difference between the two, the only difference is how you handle it.

  Johnny – Feels like a lot of difference to me.

  Jim – You’re thinking of what Eugene does. He’s being an idiot for the sake of being an idiot. And making people feel stupid.

  Johnny – Gene, the crown prince of retards. Why the hell don’t we just adopt him? He’s here all the time anyway.

  Jim – Actually…

  Johnny – What? You’re kidding.

  Jim – Nope.

  Johnny – What the hell…Who came up with that stupid idea?

  Jim – Gene did, he asked dad to do it today and dad agreed.

  Johnny – Why? Why does dad agree to let him in the family? Did dad get too much sun while he was in Florida?

  Jim – You’ll have to talk with him about that.

  Johnny – Is the entire world against me for some God damned reason? Am I that cursed?

  Jim – You don’t have it that bad.

  Johnny – How would you know how bad life has been for me?

  Jim – You mean besides the fact that I’ve lived in the same house and under the same circumstances for as long as you’ve been alive?

  Johnny – Besides that.

  Jim – Johnny, do you still have mom’s letter?

  Johnny – What the hell do you mean? What does that have to do with what we’re talking about?

  Jim – The letter she wrote when she left.

  Johnny – Why are you asking me that?

  Jim – I’ve heard you repeat it to yourself from time to time.

  Johnny – Why are you spying on me?

  Eugene – (Enters and stays at the edge of the stage, unseen by Jim and John)

  Jim – What do you mean spying? You repeat it over and over while sitting and watching television in the living room.

  Johnny – Why are you bothering, it’s my business.

  Jim – It’s all of our business. Let it go. Let her go. Move on.

  Johnny – Why should I? She made my life a miserable hell.

  Jim – She was almost as bad for dad and me. We’ve let her go, you need to too. Otherwise she’ll keep on making your life a life hell.

  Johnny – She didn’t do half of what she did to you as she did to me.

  Jim – Even what she did to you doesn’t compare to what happened to some people.

  Johnny – You always say that, it could be worse, other people have had it worse.

  Jim – It’s quite true, mom treated us like shit, but it still could have bee a lot worse.

  Johnny – Who do you know who had it worse than me? It’s not like I’m complaining about nothing. The fucking bitch hated me, and she let me know every day of my life. What could be more god damn mother fucking awful than that? Huh?

  Eugene – She could have beaten you as well.

  Johnny – Really? You’re one to talk, mom always treated you better than she treated me. What do you know about it you spaz? You haven’t even lived with your family for years now.

  Eugene – Fredric beat me. At first he just yelled at me, and beat mom. Then after mom disappeared he turned his full wrath to me. I think I was five at the time. It was like a week after she didn’t come home, he blamed me for it, I don’t remember much after the first few kicks. I think I passed out. When I woke up it was days later, I think, hard to be sure. He just left me to fend for myself, he didn’t care enough to do anything to help, he just left me lying on the floor. I still have some of the scars, most have faded, except for some of the burns he gave me.

  Jim – You ok Gene?

  Eugene – I don’t know. I hate that man. He’s evil. But I guess that doesn’t really matter right now. Your mom might not have been the greatest mother in the world, but she never hit you. She took me in, and treated me better than my father ever did. I don’t know. I’ve been trying not to think about it too much if I can help it, it’s just that all things considered I don’t have much choice not to think about it do I?

  Johnny – Why don’t you do something about him if he’s such an asshole?

  Eugene – What do you want me to do about him?

  Johnny – Why not report him to the police?

  Eugene – I don’t think that would solve anything.

  Johnny – Why not?

  Jim – Johnny remember the time when he called the police and told them that he was abducted by aliens? And that he wanted those aliens arrested and sent back to Mars because they were in the country illegally?

  Johnny – Yeah, so?

  Eugene – They have a picture of me posted in all of the local police stations. I’ve got a reputation. They wouldn’t believe me if I went in and testified that the sky was blue.

  Johnny – Who’s damned fault is that?

  Eugene – It’s mine. For the most part it was worth it. Especially when the news story broke that officer Roberts spent an entire week diligently patrolling the area while keeping an eye out for Martians who are in the country illegally. But no matter, I won’t be going to them anyway.

  Johnny – Then what are you going to do?

  Eugene – I’m going to move on with my life, hopefully. And keep the promise I made to Art.

  Johnny – And what di
d you promise our father?

  Eugene – That I would stay out of trouble.

  Jim – This isn’t going to end well.

  Johnny – Five dollars says that he’s arrested by the end of next week.

  Jim – You’re on. I’ve seen him avoid getting caught dozens of times over the years.

  Eugene – Funny, very funny. The only problem with your reasoning is I won’t be doing anything to bring the law down on me in the first place.

  Johnny & Jim – Right.

  Eugene – I will keep my promise. I owe that to your father.

  Johnny – And how do you plan to resist making a nuisance of yourself for the rest of your life?

  Jim – I would like to know that as well. How do you plan to keep to the strait and narrow?

  Eugene – I’ll find something else to concentrate on.

  Jim – Like what?

  Johnny – What could have such a draw to you to keep you out of trouble for more than fifteen minutes at a time?

  Eugene – First off I’ll actually pay attention to my school-work

  Johnny – I don’t think that will take enough of your time to keep you out of trouble, all those remedial courses you have can’t be too much of a challenge.

  Eugene - Maybe I’ll find a girlfriend or something, I heard that girlfriends take up a lot of time and energy.

  Jim – Just keep in mind Gene, sheep don’t count.

  Johnny – I don’t think he has a chance with any sheep, maybe a goat, but not any sheep.

  Eugene – Funny. I’ll find my perfect match. If a girl can fall in love with Jim, then I ought to be able to find a dozen women who want some hot Gene love, no problem.

  Johnny – Who would ever fall in love with Jim?

  Eugene – Elizabeth is in love with Jim, she has been for years.

  Johnny – Elizabeth?

  Jim – How did you find out about that?

  Eugene – About Liz loving you?

  Johnny – But Elizabeth?

  Jim – Yeah. Did art tell you about that?

  Eugene – No, I’ve known for years?

  Jim – How did you know?

  Eugene – It was obvious, why else would a beautiful, talented, wonderful, intelligent girl like Liz spend time with you?

  Johnny – He has a point.

  Jim – Touché

  Eugene – Wait, you already knew that Elizabeth is in love on you?

  Jim – Yeah.

  Eugene – And you haven’t done anything about it?

  Johnny – What do you expect? Jim is a very special child.

  Eugene – Even so, having a girl like Elizabeth Straun feeling that way about you, and not doing anything about it. You must have eaten lead paint as a child.

  Jim – Don’t you mean lead paint chips?

  Eugene – No, I mean lead paint, out of the bucket, with a spoon.

  Jim – Not that I’m aware of, but that doesn’t mean anything, I don’t recall much of anything from before about the age of three. So for all I know I could have eaten nothing but paint at that time,

  Johnny – It would explain a lot if you had.

  Jim – I just found out that Liz has feelings for me. And why the hell was I the last person on the planet to find out?

  Johnny – I think it’s because you ate lead paint as a child.

  Eugene – I’d have to agree with Johnny, lead paint isn’t good for you.

  Jim – You knew that Elizabeth felt something for me, and you didn’t say anything, what kind of friend are you?

  Johnny – Maybe he’s Elizabeth’s friend more than he’s your friend. If that’s the case he might have wanted to spare her from a lifetime of living with you.

  Jim – What do you know about it?

  Johnny – I’ve lived with you for a lifetime. Nobody should have to go through that.

  Eugene – And Elizabeth seems to want that kind of fate.

  Johnny – I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, Elizabeth is a strange person.

  Jim – You’ve never said that.

  Johnny – Ok so maybe I didn’t actually say it, but I thought it really loud a bunch of times. Not my fault if you fools can’t read my mind.

  Jim – Maybe you should think louder. That’s assuming that you have something there to read.

  Johnny – Any ideas I have will no doubt be superior to the Canadian Change theory.

  Eugene – Oh not that again. What caused the return that small piece of delusional fantasy? It was funny the first time, but it’s lost some of its charm in each re-telling.

  Jim – It’s not fantasy damn it. The Canadians are coming.

  Eugene – Sure they are.

  Johnny – Right after the Martians.

  Jim – I hope you like watching hockey, because in a few short years it’s all that will be on television. Mark my words.

  Eugene – Your words are marked. But what do we do when you’re wrong?

  Jim – I won’t be wrong, eh.

  Johnny – What was that?

  Jim – Just practicing for when we have to live under the rule of Canada. Maybe it won’t be so bad, I hear that the Canadians are a friendly nationality.

  Johnny – You’re weird.

  Eugene – I agree, you are weird. What Elizabeth sees in you I can only ponder.

  Jim – First of all those were perhaps the most ironic statements I’ve ever heard. It must be one of those instances of “takes one to know one.” Secondly, I don’t know. I’m as confused as anyone as to why I’ve attracted Liz’s attention and kept it for all these years. But now that I know, I’m not going to complain. I’m just embarrassed that I never saw it before.

  Johnny – Is that all you’re embarrassed about?

  Jim – What do you mean?

  Johnny – Well you work as a Janitor, at least when you’re at school. You have a job where you wear your name on your shirt.

  Eugene – You don’t do all that well when you’re at school, and it’s not like you’re going to some high class college, you’re at a low end public university.

  Johnny – And when was the last time you had a date with a woman?

  Eugene – I don’t think it has been any time in recent years.

  Johnny – It’s been a long time.

  Jim – You’re questioning my love life? Johnny, you’ve never had a date in your life, and some times I doubt that you ever will. And Gene, well I don’t know where to start with you, the last time you went out with someone was during that week that you thought you might be gay. Now I’m not an experienced judge of what makes another guy attractive, but I would have to say that your date was the single ugliest man I’ve ever seen in my life.

  Eugene - Frank was not ugly, well he was ugly, but he was a nice guy and a good friend.

  Jim – And let me guess, a good kisser.

  Eugene – We never actually got to the kissing point of the relationship.

  Johnny – I didn’t want to know that!

  Jim – And that’s why it’s so damned funny. Besides, you’ll need some knowledge about such things if you ever manage to talk some girl into spending time with you.

  Johnny – Well, so what if I haven’t been out with a woman yet…

  Jim – You scare them Johnny. In fact you make most people uncomfortable. It’s all the anger. If you keep going on the way that you have, you’ll end up dieing alone.

  Eugene – Just like my father. My grandmother told me that he was an angry kid.

  Johnny – Yeah, but he managed to get married.

  Eugene – I wish he hadn’t.

  Jim – If he hadn’t then you would have never been born.

  Eugene – I know, it’s a paradox. Is it better to live, but to live through years of pain and misery? Or is it preferable never to have been born in the first place?

  Jim – That’s a hard one. I think I’ll go with having been born though. For me life is good, even when it’s a giant pain in the nether reigio
ns. What do you think Johnny?

  Johnny – I choose C.

  Eugene – And what is C?

  Johnny – If I’m going to be given that much control over my own destiny I’m going to do it right. To be born into a family that isn’t crazy.

  Eugene – I would settle for C.

  Jim – Who wouldn’t, but it’s not one of the choices. Which side do you lean to then Gene? To be or not to be?

  Johnny – What a stupid way to pose the question.

  Eugene – Life. For myself, I prefer life. For others, I prefer choice.

  Johnny – What does that mean?

  Eugene – I choose to live, but I leave it to other people to make their own choices. I don’t want to make their decisions for them.

  Jim – What does that have to do with anything? We’re talking about personal preference and you’re trying to move it up into the realm of philosophy.

  Eugene – I just thought it sounded good.

  Jim – Right. Johnny?

  Johnny – Life with mom, again… I can’t decide.

  Jim – If I were in your place I would have to agree whole-heartedly.

  Johnny – Thirteen years of hell, or never to live at all.

  Eugene – Which would you choose?

  Jim – (to Eugene) Which would you choose?

  Eugene – I already chose life.

  Jim – So you did.

  Johnny – Had I the power, I think I would have chosen never to have been born.

  Eugene – This is a stupid conversation.

  Jim – Why is that?

  Eugene – We’re discussing whether or not we would have decided to have been conceived.

  Johnny – So?

  Jim – Since you don’t get to make the choice, it doesn’t matter much does it?

  Eugene – No, the only choice you have is whether or not to keep going forward with life after you’re born, and whether or not to have children, well assuming you can find someone to have kids with that is. It’s not like we had any choice in the matter. We have as much choice in that as we have in who our parents would be. We might as well be discussing when and where we were born.

  Johnny – Why are we talking about this?

  Jim – Why not?

  Johnny – Because it’s depressing.

  Eugene – Do you have something you’d rather talk about that isn’t depressing?

  Jim - This ought to be good.

  Johnny – I don’t know, I guess I’d like to talk about breasts.

  Eugene – What kind of breasts?

  Johnny – You know.

  Jim – I don’t think he does know. Be specific for Gene.

  Johnny – Ladies breasts.

  Eugene – Ohhh, I get it now.

  Johnny – Took long enough.

  Jim – Well what do you want to talk about breasts for?

  Johnny – I like them.

  Jim – Is that all you have to say?

  Johnny – No. Not really.

  Jim – Well?

  Johnny – Um.

  Jim – You going to fill us in anytime soon?

  Johnny – What do they feel like?

  Jim – Why do you think we know? Look at us. I still read comic books for Gods sake, I’m a Grade A dork. Then there is Gene. Well Gene is Gene. That was like asking a blind man to describe the color blue. What made you ask us?

  Johnny – You might have known. You’ve got all those years of experience. Hell, if Liz likes you enough to stick around all these years some other girl might have at least liked you enough to let you touch one of her boobs.

  Jim – Well we’ve never touched any breasts.

  Eugene – I did once.

  Jim – When?

  Eugene – Back a few years ago at the…

  Jim – Oh yeah, the cheerleader at the soccer game against Leesville. I remember now, that was another one you barely survived, with the angry mob, and all that. Wow you must have been running for a long time.

  Eugene – I just found a good hiding place, one that nobody would ever check.

  Jim – Where did you hide for those three hours?

  Eugene – Sorry, can’t tell you, trade secret.

  Johnny – So you did touch a breast!

  Eugene – Yes I didJim – Yes he did.

  Eugene – Why?

  Johnny – How was it? What’d you think? Is it everything I dreamed it would be?

  Eugene – I enjoyed it. I think I would like to do it again sometime. In fact I wonder where that cheerleader is now.

  Jim – Gene…

  Eugene – What?

  Jim – Remember that you promised Art that you would stay out of trouble.

  Eugene – I would ask her first.

  Jim – What if she said no, would you still try to touch her breast.

  Eugene – Well yeah, I’m not about to do all that work to find her just to go home empty handed.

  Johnny – (Yells)ARGGHHHH!

  Eugene & Jim – What’s wrong?

  Johnny – That pun was awful.

  Eugene – It wasn’t that bad.

  Johnny – It was terrible. People should beaten for puns like that.

  Eugene –. How about you Jim, should I be beaten for that play on words.

  Jim – I think I’ll exercise my right to withhold my opinion until after the beating is issued.

  Eugene – I thought it was funny. Well since you two don’t appreciate my brand of humor I think I’m going to bed. Maybe I’ll get lucky and dream about that cheerleader.

  (Eugene exits the stage)

  Jim – I think he has a good idea, maybe the first he’s had in a long time.

  Johnny – Dreaming about boobies you mean?

  Jim – Yep.

  Johnny – Maybe I’ll get lucky and dream about them too.

  Jim – There’s a trick to dreaming about what-ever you like when-ever you like.

  Johnny – Yeah? What is it?

  Jim – I don’t know, I wish I did, I would like to dream about breasts more often. It beats than that stupid dream where I’m back at high-school. By the way, congratulations.

  Johnny – What for?

  Jim – For forgetting for a few minutes that you hate Eugene.

  Johnny – Funny. Are you two serious? Is he really going to live here?

  Jim – I talked to Art about it earlier. He’s going to be family, officially. You going to be ok with that?

  Johnny – I don’t know. At first I thought it was one of his pranks. He’s sneaky when it comes to practical jokes.

  Jim – Don’t I know it, I’ve heard him come up with some twisty and twisted schemes. All I can say is that I’m surprised that he’s lived this long.

  Johnny – So he’s telling the truth?

  Jim – Yep.

  Johnny – Is the rest of it true?

  Jim – About his father?

  Johnny – Yeah, the beatings and stuff.

  Jim – For the most part yeah.

  Johnny – What do you mean for the most part?

  Jim – I think he tones it down some. I think he’s gone through worse than I can imagine.

  Johnny – Why hasn’t he told anyone?

  Jim – He doesn’t like to have people pitying him. At least that’s how I think he works.

  Johnny – What does that have to do with anything?

  Jim – If everyone knew about him it would change how the acted towards him. They would treat him like he was special and give him more lee-way.

  Johnny – So, where’s the downside to that?

  Jim – It’s just not Gene’s way. He likes to create a nuisance and a spectacle. He’s better at the former than at the latter, but he does try. If people found out that his father beat him, well they would explain away his actions with some text-book psychology and do more to try and ignore him. That would really piss Gene off. I think that he just likes the attention that he receives.

  Johnny – If it’s true�
��

  Jim – If what’s true?

  Johnny – The beatings. I mean. With all the crap that mom pulled, well, she never once hit me. She was never that bad. I hate her for what she did. But, compared to what Gene’s dad did it isn’t worth complaining about.

  Jim – Yep.

  Johnny – How long have you known?

  Jim – About what?

  Johnny – About Gene and his asshole father.

  Jim – Almost as long as I’ve known Gene, it helped me deal with mom better. I could always say ‘well at least I don’t have his problems.’

  Johnny – Who else knew?

  Jim – Dad and mom both knew.

  Johnny – Mom knew?

  Jim – Yeah, I think that’s why she was so much easier on him.

  Johnny – I doubt that, the bitch was heartless.

  Jim – She was different back then.

  Johnny – I’m glad to know that I have that sort of affect on people’s lives.

  Jim – Enough.

  Johnny – What?

  Jim – Just enough.

  Johnny – Enough of what?

  Jim – No more of that cliché “everybody hates me” crap. God damn it gets old. You sound like a character from a stupid teenager television drama. You’ve been sounding like that for years now and I’m just getting sick of hearing about it. Mom is gone and she probably won’t be coming back so go out and enjoy life for a change. Now get busy living or get busy dieing, but what ever you do stop living in the past.

  Johnny – Cliché? I’m not the one who just used a movie quote in a inspirational speech. And I have the right to be pissed off.

  Jim – Johnny, do you still have mom’s note?

  Johnny – What do you mean?

  Jim – I mean the letter she wrote us before she left. The one that we were all the spawn of Satan and that she felt corrupted by being related to us. The one that she said…

  Johnny – To my family. I despise the day that Arthur asked me to marry him. I despise myself for ever happily agreeing. Obviously I was blinded to the truth, but now I it, as my father had always insisted. My biggest failure in life was not having listened to his wise words. But I have paid for the arrogance of ignoring his wisdom with my very youth. You’re all going to hell. I won’t bother praying for you because it wouldn’t help. Now I need to spend the rest of my life scouring my soul clean of the taint that you have put on it. I hate you for what you are. I hate you for what you’ve done to me. You are all dead to me.

  Jim – Johnny.

  Johnny – She didn’t even sign it. How do you get on with your life after that?

  Jim – You need to find something else. Dad had the business to keep him occupied.

  Johnny – Yeah I know, he spent fifty or sixty hours a week there after mom left. I didn’t ever see him. A lot of help he was.

  Jim – Some times all we need is just to escape. Look at me, I read Sumo Assassin. It helps me forget this world for at least some time. It isn’t even a good comic, but it beats thinking about life from time to time.

  Johnny – Why the hell do you keep on reading it then if it isn’t even a good comic?

  Jim – It’s comfortable. It’s safe. It’s home. Mom used to hate it. But it was

  Johnny – It drove her nuts that you would spend so much time reading “that filth”.

  Jim – Mom didn’t need much to get her going.

  Johnny – No she didn’t.

  Jim – No.

  Johnny – (after a pause) Jim?

  Jim – Yeah?

  Johnny – What do you think happened to her?

  Jim – What do you mean?

  Johnny – I mean to make he do all of that. To change her. Was it me?

  Jim – I don’t think so. Dad did say that your birth was a bit longer than mine, but that wouldn’t have done anything.

  Johnny – Then why?

  Jim – Do you remember Grandpa Davis?

  Johnny – No, he died before I was born.

  Jim – I know, and no loss there. But do you remember what dad and other people said about him?

  Johnny – All I know is that he was supposed to be a religious lunatic.

  Jim – That he was. He had started his own church somewhere out West. Something having to do with Jesus coming back and drop-kicking all the sinners into hell, with the help of the truly faithful of course. He was pretty much crazy.

  Johnny – And we’re related to him.

  Jim – Yes we are. Course it didn’t make him all that happy. That and he hated dad from the beginning because dad isn’t a religious person, and that dad had the audacity to question anything grandpa said. They didn’t get along at all. It’s amazing that mom and dad actually got married. He spent years trying to talk mom into out of dating dad, and finally he all but disowned her when they got married.

  Johnny – That’s news to me.

  Jim - They didn’t talk about it all that much.

  Johnny – Then how did you find out about it?

  Jim – Oh the usual way.

  Johnny – Which is?

  Jim – I did a lot of snooping around and eavesdropping. Almost got skinned alive when mom found out that I was doing it. If you think mom made your life miserable, Grandpa Davis was even worse to his kids. He fell in somewhere between mom and Eugene’s dad. Closer though to Gene’s dad I think.

  Johnny – Does this mean that we descend from a long line of crazy people?

  Jim – Well maybe. As near as I can tell, yes.

  Johnny – I’m depressed.

  Jim – (hands him a comic book) Sumo Assassin?

  Johnny – What do you think that’ll help?

  Jim – I find Skinny’s antics to be uplifting in times of sorrow. Well except for the time that he managed to run himself over with the Sumo-mobile. That was depressing.

  Johnny – How did he do that?

  Jim – Well he’s not the brightest side-kick out there.

  Johnny – Then why does would anyone keep him around?

  Jim – A couple reasons, first he can fit into places that a five hundred pound sumo wrestler would never be able to go. That and well just look at his costume.

  Johnny – It’s a bright orange Bulls-eye.

  Jim – Yep.

  Johnny – What is that sposed ta mean?

  Jim – It’s Skinny’s other vital skill, he’s there to draw fire from the bad guys.

  Johnny – He’s got to be the dumbest side-kick ever.

  Jim – Yep. He spent almost one entire issue stuffed inside a mail-box.

  Johnny – What for?

  Jim – To catch the Evil Mad Mail Bomber Vixen. She was sending letter bombs to people and it was Sumo’s quest to catch her.

  Johnny – Who gave him that quest?

  Jim – Nobody gave him the quest he learned about it from watching the nightly news. He was just really bored that weekend, so off he went.

  Johnny – That’s just retarded.

  Jim – If you think that’s bad just read the issue where both Sumo and Skinny died, and then were resurrected by the Schizophrenic Bi-polar Doctor as zombies.

  Johnny – What did he do that for?

  Jim – Not a clue, mom caught me before had a chance to finish the comic. I later heard that it was considered to be both the best and worst Sumo Assassin comic ever. Never have been able to find another copy. Ah well, it doesn’t really matter.

  Johnny – Good thing you don’t really like the series.

  Jim – I never said I didn’t like the Sumo Assassin.

  Johnny – Yeah you did.

  Jim - I just said it wasn’t all that good.

  Johnny – What’s the difference?

  Jim - I like a lot of stupid things. I usually know that they’re stupid, but I still like them. Like those old monster movies from the 1950s, they’re terrible, but I still enjoy watching them.

  Johnny – You’re weird.

&nb
sp; Jim – Haven’t we gone over this before?

  Johnny – Yeah, a bunch of times.

  Jim – Then why do you keep bringing it up?

  Johnny – Because you’re still weird. And you seem to forget how weird you are.

  Jim – And I’ll be weird until I die.

  Johnny – Which will probably be at the hands of an angry mob when your innate weirdness scares someone’s kid.

  Jim – Well I won’t worry about that until that happens. I am tired, so I think it’s time for me to go and follow Gene’s lead.

  Johnny – Good luck dreaming about boobies. I think I’ll head to bed as well. Been a long day.

  Jim – Right now it’s all I got. Night Johnny.

  (Jim and Johnny exit stage)

  Scene 5

  November. The basement. Liz’s Jesus/Elvis posters are hanging in the background. Jim is back from school for Thanksgiving. Johnny and Gene are sitting in the couch playing video games. Jim is also on the couch waiting his turn. Liz is painting their picture as they do it. There is a table set up in the background in preparation for dinner.