Learning to Love Again

by Chrissie Loveday

  Until Holly went to school, she could see no alternative to the situation. She tucked the little girl into her little bed and went downstairs. She put the kettle on for a drink when she heard the phone ringing. She rushed down to answer it before Lucy was disturbed.

  ‘Anna?’ said an anxious voice. ‘It’s Sarah. I think the baby’s coming. It’s very early, I know but I don’t know what to do.’

  ‘Have you rung the night service?’

  ‘Well, no, I so wanted you to deliver me, as you know. You did promise . . . but as it’s at least a month early . . . oh please, can you come? Ooh.’ There was a pause as Sarah obviously had another contraction.

  ‘I think maybe we’d better get you into hospital. You’re probably right. The baby’s clearly coming early. I did wonder whether your dates were accurate this morning.’

  ‘But what am I going to do about Jamie? I can’t leave him. Damian’s not back yet.’

  ‘Just hold on. I’ll be with you in ten minutes or so.’

  Anna went into action. Once she’d checked on Holly, she went to wake Lucy to explain that she had to go out. Lucy was in a deep sleep and she felt a moment’s concern about waking her aunt.

  ‘You can stay in bed. Holly’s fast asleep already. I’m not sure what’s going to happen. We might end up at the hospital, but I’ll call and let you know. Are you sure you’re OK?’

  ‘I’m fine, love. Just a bit tired. I’ll get up in a minute. And I can listen out for Holly if she needs anything. Don’t worry. I didn’t realise you were on call tonight.’

  ‘I wasn’t. Special case,’ she called back as she ran downstairs.

  * * *

  She drove slightly faster than was absolutely safe, anxious to reach Sarah and see exactly what was going on. It was her second pregnancy and had seemed like a textbook case. The dates were slightly in question, but all the signs had indicated that she should go to full term, which should have been in four weeks time. But then, many babies seemed to make their own decision about when they were due to appear and this was obviously one of them. She parked outside the little house for the second time that day, grabbed her medical bag and ran up the path.

  Sarah opened the door, leaning against the frame and already looking grey and sweaty.

  ‘OK. Lie down on the sofa and let me take a look at you.’

  She then swung into action, collecting the birthing pack from the car, the portable gas and air machine, just in case it was needed and the monitoring equipment. She then phoned for an ambulance to stand-by.

  Anna got everything ready for when the baby arrived. There wasn’t even time to attach the monitor as everything was happening so fast. She made sure there was somewhere ready to put the baby, always watching her patient carefully.

  Tears and laughter, relief and anxiety all rushed out in the next few seconds. Anna felt the tears pricking in her own eyes. There was nothing in the world like the feeling of helping a new life into existence. She had the best job ever and no matter how many births she attended, every single one was unique and special. Sarah lay back, waiting for Anna to lie her new daughter on to her chest.

  ‘Let me see her,’ demanded the new mother. Anna covered the tiny child in a soft sheet and gently laid her on her mother. Just as everything was over, the ambulance arrived.

  ‘Need any help?’ asked the cheery paramedic.

  ‘You’re too late! Typical, come when the hard work’s over and done with. This one was something of a record.’

  ‘What, no problems?’ he asked.

  ‘None at all. Perfect delivery. And the baby seems fine. Looks pretty much full term actually. I’ll just weigh her for the records. She’s gorgeous, Sarah. Congratulations. You both still need to get checked over, though.’

  ‘Oh Anna, I don’t know how to thank you. You were marvellous. She’s been brilliant,’ she told the ambulance men.

  ‘Course she is. We only employ marvellous people. Now, I think we’d getter get you and this young lady off to hospital to check you over.’

  ‘But I’ve got a little boy asleep upstairs. I can’t leave him.’

  ‘Don’t worry. I’ll sort something out,’ Anna reassured her. ‘You’ll probably be home tomorrow, if everything’s normal. It certainly looks as if it will be. Can I get in touch with Damian?’

  ‘I’ve got his mobile number. On the side table by the phone. If he’s in range, you’ll get him on that. I didn’t think to call him before. If you can’t get him on the mobile, you’ll have to call the office. They might be able to contact him on the radio. The number’s are all on the pad.’

  ‘Leave it with me. I’ll see what I can do.’

  * * *

  Once the ambulance had left, Anna cleared everything away. She looked in on the sleeping child and left him undisturbed. Next she tried to contact the father. She felt a great sense of relief when he answered his mobile and an even greater one when he said his boat was already in port and in the circumstances, he could leave the boat before they’d cleared the catch.

  Anna suddenly felt totally exhausted. It was almost ten o’clock and she had eaten nothing since lunch. She actually felt rather faint, she realised. She phoned home to see if all was well and went to check on Jamie. Reassured, she ran quickly to next door to see if Mrs Brierley could help out. To her surprise, Dr Meredith, Joe, was there, repacking his medical bag.

  ‘Hello, again,’ he said, looking pleased to see her. ‘I’m afraid Mr Brierley’s taken a turn for the worse. His wife called me out and I’ve given him something to relieve his pain.’ Mrs Brierley came back into the room. ‘I think we’d better arrange to get him to hospital in the morning to check things over. He may eventually need an operation to sort him out.’ Anna felt he was speaking to her as a fellow professional and smiled reassuringly at Mrs Brierley.

  ‘Just considering possibilities. We’ll organise a scan. No need to be alarmed. He should sleep through now, so we’ll leave him in peace for tonight. We’ll get him into hospital as soon as we can tomorrow. So, Anna, what are you doing here?’

  ‘Sarah’s just delivered a daughter. All very unexpected and very quick. I came to see if Mrs Brierley could look after Jamie for a while but obviously not. Don’t worry. I’ll stay till Damian gets here. He shouldn’t be long. Sorry to disturb you.’

  Mrs Brierley was delighted to hear the news and most apologetic about not being available at such an important time. Anna let herself out and went back into the silent house next door. She made some coffee and sat down on the sofa. The door opened and Dr Meredith came in.

  ‘Hi. Thought I’d keep you company till the happy father arrives. Mind if I make some coffee for myself?’

  ‘Well, I’m sure Sarah wouldn’t mind. But really, I’ll be fine. You don’t need to stay. I doubt it will be long before Damian gets here. Oh, thank you for the rose by the way.’

  ‘My pleasure. I’d like to if that’s all right with you. Give us a bit of time to talk. I’m afraid I might have made rather an idiot of myself today. Can we start over? Pretend anything that upset you, didn’t happen?’

  ‘I suppose so. Not sure what you mean though. You weren’t to know about my husband’s accident.’ She couldn’t help but be pleased he was here with her. He smiled his special smile which had the strange effect on her as before.

  ‘I want to know all about you,’ he said as he sat beside her. ‘So, tell me why you’re living with your aunt? No parents to help out?’

  ‘My parents were killed in an air crash soon after Ben and I were married.’

  ‘I’m sorry. That must have been tough for you. Gosh you’ve really been through it, haven’t you?’ He put out a comforting hand and held her own for a while. ‘Didn’t you have a home of your own, somewhere with Ben?’

  ‘Well, yes. Not that it’s any of your business.’ She pulled her hand away, as if she were trying to break contact with his seemingly endless questions. It was much nicer when he’d been holding it, she realised.

  ‘I k
now it isn’t, but I want to know what makes you tick. What lies behind those beautiful but rather sad eyes of yours?’ He looked at her, his head slightly tilted on one side. She had to smile at his expression.

  ‘We had a home. One with a very large mortgage. Ben also wanted to start his own business so we were even deeper in debt.’

  ‘Didn’t you carry insurance? Life policy or something?’

  ‘You ever tried to claim when there’s no body? No death certificate? I had to wait for goodness knows how long till it was certain Ben wasn’t coming back. We had to apply for an inquest. All very complicated and most unpleasant. In the meantime, I discovered that Ben had stopped paying the insurance premiums anyway. He’d cleared out the bank account, presumably when he was launching the business. It left me with a house whose value was less than the money we owed and payments I couldn’t possibly afford. It was a horrible mess altogether. All that to cope with as well as losing Ben and being pregnant.’

  ‘I see. You poor soul.’ He looked admiringly at her. She was so lovely, he thought. He wanted to hold her. To protect her from the terrible hurt she had suffered. He dragged himself back to the conversation, trying not to let slip that he knew a whole lot more than she suspected. ‘But you managed to come through it remarkably well. There was a thorough search for him. They didn’t find the boat or anything else. No trace at all.’ He wasn’t asking, she could see. It was as if he already knew. It had been in all the local papers and on the television and radio news so obviously he’d heard about it. Put two and two together and realised it was her.

  ‘You’ve clearly heard the story. It’s been very hard to find closure. I had to sell the house and by the time I moved out, I was almost due to give birth. I was fortunate my Aunt Lucy could help out. Her own husband had died some years earlier and she had a largish house, plenty of room for me and the baby. Once I’d recovered, I had to return to work and she now looks after Holly each day.’

  ‘And Ben knew nothing of the baby?’

  ‘He didn’t know I was pregnant. I was going to tell him that very night.’ Her expression changed to one of sadness as the memories flooded back. ‘He got later and later and I got crosser and crosser, thinking he’d gone to the pub or something. Eventually, I phoned the sailing club and discovered he’d never returned. He’d filed his plan as usual, saying where he was going.

  ‘They began a search the next morning.’ She stared down at her fingers, working to control her emotions. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have burdened you with my troubles. I don’t know what came over me. I never talk about it to anyone. I’m sorry.’

  ‘Stop saying you’re sorry. I’m flattered that you felt able to talk to me. I’m . . .’

  The door rattled and Damian burst in.

  ‘Oh, Anna. Sorry. I didn’t realise you had someone with you.’

  ‘This is Doctor Meredith. He was visiting your neighbour and thought he’d come to keep me company for a while. Till you got back.’

  ‘Hi, Doc. How is everything? Can’t wait to see them. I suppose I can’t go now, can I? What about Jamie?’

  ‘He hasn’t stirred. Slept through the lot. He still has no idea he has a sister. Sarah and the baby are at the hospital, hopefully sound asleep themselves by now. If everything’s OK, they should discharge her tomorrow. But you can go in to see her first thing, in any case. You may even be able to bring her home with you.’

  ‘Gosh. I can’t believe it. All this was going on while I sat on the boat. We were just beginning to unload the catch when you called. I’d planned to be with her. To see this one born. You just never know, do you?’

  ‘Babies are always a law unto themselves. Congratulations, Damian. We’ll be off then,’ Anna said wearily. ‘I’ll see you soon. I’ll call round tomorrow sometime, once we know what’s happening.’

  The doctor and the midwife went out to their cars.

  ‘I didn’t realise you were on-call this evening.’

  ‘I wasn’t,’ she replied. ‘But I’d promised Sarah I’d try to be the one to deliver the baby. Come to that, I didn’t know you did night calls, either.’

  ‘I don’t. But Mrs Brierley seemed so upset, I gave her my mobile number in case she needed anything out of hours.’

  ‘So you’re an old softy at heart, as bad as me. Doesn’t go with the madcap image you try to present.’

  ‘I do no such thing. Too late to argue now. You must be worn out. Get yourself home and go to bed. Unless maybe there’s something else you’d rather do? No? Thought not.’ He pulled a sad face.

  ‘I actually don’t know if I’d rather just fall asleep or have a huge meal. I’m starving. We were just about to have supper when the phone rang.’

  ‘I could feed you something. There’s bound to be a chip shop open or somewhere doing late night food.’

  ‘I expect Lucy will have kept me something. I’d better get back. See you tomorrow. And thanks.’

  ‘For what?’

  ‘Thanks for listening. I hope you realise, I didn’t even cry this time . . . when I talked about Ben’s accident. That may be a first in itself.’

  He touched her arm again and for a moment, life itself seemed to be suspended for a brief moment. There was definitely something between them . . . some chemistry she could not explain. Almost breathless, she got into her car and gave him what she hoped looked like a casual wave, as she drove away. Perhaps she was simply getting used to the fact that her husband had disappeared without a trace. She should be after all this time. But huge pangs of guilt washed over her. She shouldn’t be getting over him. She owed it to Holly to keep her father alive in her own memory as well as the child’s.

  She couldn’t see the look on her colleague’s face as she drove away. The usually sunny expression had quite left his features and he looked troubled. He was fighting with his own dilemma. What was it about her that made his heart lurch? He knew he had to tell her something, but it could ruin his chances of seeing her eyes lose their haunted look. Something that could finish their relationship even before it began.

  EMOTIONS ARE STIRRED

  Despite her late night, Anna was awake early enough to give Holly her breakfast the next morning.

  ‘Did you get anything to eat when you finally got in?’ Lucy asked anxiously.

  ‘I was too exhausted. I’d got over feeling hungry by the time I got back.’

  ‘And everything was OK? No dramas?’

  ‘It was amazing. So quick.’

  ‘You do love your work, don’t you?’ Lucy smiled at the enthusiasm.

  ‘Of course I do. But sometimes, I’d like there to be a bit more time around me. I’ve got to write up the report this morning, between a hundred and one other things.’

  ‘You need to take it easy too. Have some time for you. Do something just for yourself.’

  ‘Oh and listen who’s talking? You haven’t picked up a paintbrush in months. In fact, I feel very guilty about it. I’ll take Holly away one weekend soon and you can have a complete rest from us both. We can go to see Ben’s parents. They should see their granddaughter occasionally.’

  ‘Really, there’s no need. But, yes, maybe you’re right. You should let them see their granddaughter. It will be upsetting for you, though. You know it will.’

  ‘I have to do it though, Lucy. I don’t know why but they seem to hold me responsible for Ben’s death. They seem to think I should have alerted the rescue services much earlier. But how could I? Ben would have been furious if there was nothing wrong and I’d called out the lifeboat. All the same, I do wonder if I’d acted sooner . . .’

  ‘Now, Anna. That’s enough. I’m going to cook you some bacon and eggs and you will sit down and eat it properly. No rushing off. After working all of last night on your own, you can surely be allowed a little break?’

  ‘Actually, I wasn’t alone.’ Lucy raised her eyebrows. ‘The new locum, Joe Meredith, happened to be next door and he kept me company till the father arrived.’

  ‘Nice. I’
ll get on with breakfast.’ Wisely, she said no more, but didn’t miss the slight flush in Anna’s cheeks and wasn’t that an extra sparkle in her eyes today?

  Anna sat sipping her coffee, while Lucy fussed round her, cooking an enormous breakfast. She realised how hungry she really was and tucked in with great relish. She ate a couple of rounds of toast afterwards and leaned back in her chair.

  ‘Thanks Lucy,’ Anna said gratefully. ‘I don’t know what we’d do without you.’

  ‘Hush with you. Now get yourself off to work. And make sure you get an evening off to make up for last night. Go to the pictures or something.’

  ‘I’d hate to go to the cinema on my own. But thanks for the thought.’

  ‘Maybe you could go with someone from work. The new locum maybe? It’s time you started thinking about your own future. You can’t grieve forever. Ben would have hated that.’

  * * *

  She drove to work, thinking about her life. Would she never be free of the memory of those days when Ben disappeared? She’d spent hours watching and waiting for news. Everyone was certain he’d gone down with his boat but there had never been any trace of either. No body had ever been recovered and not so much as a lifebelt or piece of debris had been found.

  She had asked everyone she could think of, how it could have happened to such an experienced sailor? Most of all, she wanted to know why nothing had been found, but it couldn’t be explained. Currents, tides, winds that were blowing at the time had all been checked and evaluated for a possible site but there was nothing. For months, she had expected to get a call from some distant place to say he was alive and had lost his memory but no such luck. With a sigh, she drove into her parking space and tried to move her mind on to thoughts of her day ahead.

  * * *

  ‘How are you today?’ Joe asked. He looked as weary as she felt.