Searching for You

by Jody Hedlund

  “Please take your seats,” the older reverend said from the pulpit. “We are starting later in the day than we did last year since so many of you are busy with harvesting. And we will try to finish up in a timely manner so that you can return to your homes and farms before darkness settles.”

  The thump of footsteps and the murmur of voices grew louder as more people entered the building. Olivia’s hand slid into Sophie’s. At the trembling of the little girl’s fingers, Sophie squeezed tight. As belligerent as Olivia had been since the start of the trip, Sophie realized that she was frightened too. Olivia didn’t have to speak for Sophie to see the questions running through her mind: Would anyone want them? And if so, what would their new home be like?

  Nicholas, on the other hand, started to fidget with growing anticipation. He twisted around to watch the people coming into the church and then smiled up at Sophie. “Who’s gonna be our new mommy and daddy?”

  “We’ll find out soon,” Sophie whispered, hoping she was wrong.

  After a few more minutes, the reverend called the meeting to order and began with a prayer. Then he introduced Reverend Poole, who took his place at the front of the church and explained the work of the Children’s Aid Society, shared stories of children placed elsewhere, and then presented the terms for the families who desired to take a child home with them.

  “You must feed, clothe, educate, and otherwise treat the child as if he or she were your own by birth. We also ask that you promise to bring the child to church.”

  Besides today, Sophie couldn’t remember the last time she’d been inside a real church. She’d attended the chapel services at the Seventh Street Mission when she’d lived there, and she’d listened to Reverend Bedell speak about the saving love of Christ. But Christ certainly hadn’t saved or loved her—not that she deserved saving or loving.

  “We are confident each of you will do your best to care for these children and exert a godly influence over them,” Reverend Poole continued. “However, we also recognize special circumstances arise when you may no longer be able to fulfill your obligation to the foundling. In that case, we will do our best to find a new placement for the child or bring him or her back to New York.”

  Back to New York? Sophie’s mind sped with the realization that maybe there was a way to leave here after all. If things didn’t work out, they could ask to return to New York. And on the train ride back, once they reached Chicago, they’d sneak away.

  Sure, they might have to face the Roach Guards there if the gang had pressured Mollie to reveal their destination, but they’d just have to take their chances. For the first time in two days, Sophie let her shoulders relax. She finally had an escape plan. They weren’t stuck in central Illinois.

  With renewed confidence, Sophie stood with everyone else when Reverend Poole asked them to move to the front. Mrs. Poole arranged them in order from the oldest to the youngest. Since they were short on time, Reverend Poole said that he wouldn’t present the children individually but instead invited people to come forward and make the acquaintances of the orphans.

  “Introduce yourselves,” the reverend said, “and then ask the children questions and get to know them to see if they are suited for you. It’s better to ask too many questions than not enough.”

  Several farmers came forward right away to the oldest boys, who were a year or two younger than Sophie and Anna. One of the farmers felt the boys’ arms, checking the size of their muscles. Another inspected the boys up and down, lifting pant legs and pushing up shirtsleeves.

  Sophie decided that if anyone dared to lay a hand on her that way, she’d slap them rather than allow herself to be treated like a workhorse up for sale. When several couples finally made their way to the front, and one of them approached Nicholas, Sophie broke out of line and hurried toward the little boy.

  A woman with dull brown hair knelt in front of Nicholas and spoke with him gently about whether he’d like to come live with them. From what Sophie gathered as she listened, Mr. Ramsey was a carpenter and not a farmer. He and his family lived outside Mayfield to the south on a small plot of land.

  Nicholas beamed and nodded in response to Mrs. Ramsey.

  Olivia squeezed next to Nicholas and grabbed his hand, apparently having left her place in the line when she’d noticed the attention the couple was giving to her brother.

  “This is Ollie,” Nicholas said, smiling at Olivia. “She’s my sister.”

  The woman darted a sideways glance at Olivia, then returned her attention to Nicholas. Her features held the same weariness Sophie had seen all too often on the faces of the women in the tenements—a weariness that came not just from the drudgery of too much work, but also from the heavy burdens of a life that hadn’t turned out the way they’d planned or dreamed.

  Unease pricked Sophie. Wasn’t life supposed to be easier and better here in the West? Weren’t these people supposed to be happier? Godlier? Healthier?

  “Mr. Ramsey and I already have a little girl,” the woman said to Nicholas. “Our own Rachel is eight, and I think you’ll like her very much.”

  Olivia’s eyes widened and flashed with fear.

  Sophie’s unease turned into a gonging alarm like that of the city fire bells. “Nicholas and Olivia have to stay together,” she blurted. “If you want a little boy without a sister, then maybe you should question someone else.” Sophie motioned toward the other young boys in the group.

  Mr. Ramsey, who’d been observing his wife’s interaction with Nicholas with an air of detached coolness, turned brooding eyes upon Sophie. In his younger years, he might have been good-looking, but the passing of time had left him with yellowing teeth and several large moles, one on the tip of his nose. “Go on back to your place, girl. This isn’t your concern.”

  “It’s very much my concern,” Sophie said.

  “Sophie’s my other sister.” Nicholas reached for Sophie’s hand.

  Sophie refused to look away from Mr. Ramsey, giving back to him the same coolness he was giving to her.

  Mrs. Ramsey stood and stepped between her husband and Sophie. “Please,” she said in a soft-spoken voice that was filled with longing. “We’ve been wanting a little boy for a very long time. We weren’t able to come to town last year and have been waiting for this group.”

  Sophie could sense the sincerity in the woman’s tone and could see the emptiness in her heart. She’d apparently wanted to have more than one child, but for whatever reason hadn’t been able to have additional sons or daughters. Now she saw Nicholas as her chance to make her family complete.

  But what about Olivia? All of the girl’s bravado in Chicago had disappeared. Only a scrawny, frightened girl remained.

  Sophie tried to view Olivia through a stranger’s eyes, the way the Ramseys might see her. She wasn’t adorable in the same way Nicholas was. She was much more serious, with a plain face and nothing at all remarkable about her features. The other girls in their group who were Olivia’s age were prettier and livelier and would attract new parents more readily than Olivia. In fact, Olivia’s belligerence and anxiety might only scare families away.

  Unless Sophie could work out a deal with the Ramseys . . .

  “Nicholas expects both me and Olivia to live with him,” Sophie said.

  Mrs. Ramsey’s face drooped, the dark circles under her eyes almost purple. She turned to her husband, but he shook his head curtly.

  Before either could voice their objection, Sophie continued, lowering her voice so the children would have a difficult time hearing her. “I fully realize you can’t keep all three of us, but if you take at least Olivia, you’ll make Nicholas very happy. Without her, he’ll be difficult to handle.”

  Mrs. Ramsey glanced again at Olivia, to her hand intertwined with Nicholas’s.

  “She’ll make a good helper.” Sophie had to convince this couple of Olivia’s worth if she hoped to keep the two children together. “She’s mature for her age and a quick learner. She’ll be no trouble at all. In fact
, you’ll find her to be a blessing and not a burden.”

  “But we don’t need another girl,” Mrs. Ramsey whispered.

  “Nicholas has never spent a day of his life apart from Olivia,” Sophie replied louder this time, intentionally allowing Nicholas to hear her. “You’ll devastate him if you won’t let Olivia live with you.”

  “Ollie wants a mommy and daddy too,” Nicholas said eagerly, looking up at the couple with so much hope that Sophie prayed they wouldn’t be able to deny him.

  Mrs. Ramsey looked over her shoulder at her husband. He was scrutinizing Nicholas. The cool detachment had lifted for an instant to reveal longing. For as much as Mr. Ramsey was clearly trying not to allow himself to want another child, particularly an orphan, Nicholas’s sweet nature and charm was winning him over.

  Mrs. Ramsey touched her husband’s arm and leaned in to confer with him. With an exasperated sigh, Mr. Ramsey took hold of his wife and guided her several feet away. For a long moment they carried on a whispered exchange, until finally Mr. Ramsey threw up his hands and said, “You win. Do what you want, Caroline.”

  He spun and stalked away. Mrs. Ramsey watched him go, her shoulders slumping. When he’d exited the building, she turned back to the children and forced a smile.

  “We weren’t anticipating taking more than one child, and we really had our hearts set on a little boy,” she said as though that could explain away her husband’s actions. “But I think we’ll give both children a try. After all, Rachel has been complaining recently about not having enough friends.”

  Sophie wanted to sag with relief. She wasn’t sure what she would have done if the Ramseys had decided they only wanted Nicholas and not Olivia. She certainly wouldn’t have let them take him—she would have fought them if she had to. At the same time, she didn’t want to disappoint Nicholas.

  Though she didn’t particularly like Mr. Ramsey, his wife seemed to make up for his deficiencies with her soft-spoken manner. Sophie just wished there was some way to find out more about the family. She wanted to ask Mrs. Ramsey some questions, yet she was at a loss to know where to begin. And everyone seemed to be in a hurry to make the placements and end the proceedings before darkness fell.

  “Why don’t you gather your belongings,” Mrs. Ramsey said, “and we’ll be on our way.”

  While Mrs. Ramsey talked with the children, Sophie dug through the bag they’d brought along from the hotel. She retrieved the bundles of extra clothing, several blankets, and the few toys she’d managed to provide for them. She wrapped everything into one of the blankets, tied the ends together, and handed it to Mrs. Ramsey.

  “Is this all?” the woman asked in surprise.

  It was Sophie’s turn to be embarrassed. She’d provided for Olivia and Nicholas the best she knew how. Maybe they’d never had a lot, but at least she’d kept them from going hungry.

  “Well,” Mrs. Ramsey said in response to Sophie’s silence, “we may not be wealthy, but we certainly can provide better than this.”

  Sophie was tempted to snap back at her, letting Mrs. Ramsey know that she’d given them her whole heart and all her love and that was better than material possessions. But the same guilt and frustration that had plagued her earlier rushed back with the force of a steam whistle. Olivia and Nicholas deserved so much more than she’d ever been able to provide. And now they would finally get it.

  Nicholas happily placed his hand in Mrs. Ramsey’s outstretched one. As the woman led him away from the orphans to the center aisle, Olivia stumbled along next to him, clinging to him and refusing to let go.

  Sophie’s own feet were rooted to the floor as they plodded along next to their new mother, someone who would take her place in holding them tight when they were sad, kissing their scratches and scraped knees, and telling them stories at bedtime.

  Sophie’s throat closed around the words of good-bye she wanted to shout. She didn’t want to cause a scene, didn’t want to make this harder than it already was. So she watched silently as the two precious infants who had belonged to her and were a part of the very fibers of her soul walked away from her for the first time.

  Her eyes pricked with tears, but she forced them back. She wouldn’t cry now. Maybe later when everyone else was asleep. But for now, she had to remain brave. Always brave.

  She had to remember they would be better off in a real home. Much better than running around on the streets of Chicago, scrambling to survive. And they would still have each other. She’d find a home close by. Through all the adjustments in the days to come, they’d help each other through them.

  Halfway down the aisle, Nicholas looked over his shoulder at Sophie. “Come on, Soph. Time to go to our new home.”

  Standing between Mrs. Ramsey and Olivia, he looked so little, so vulnerable. Sophie could picture him as a baby, when he’d been tiny, quiet, and afraid. It had taken some time, but he’d finally learned to trust her, to turn to her when in need and seek her when he wanted comfort.

  Sophie forced a big smile, hopefully an encouraging one, even though her insides were shredding into pieces. She’d done her part with him. She’d gotten him this far in his life. Now it was time for someone else to help him grow into the young man he was meant to be. Hopefully Mrs. Ramsey was that person. Hopefully she would love Nicholas even more than Sophie had.

  As though finally sensing Sophie’s silent good-bye, Nicholas planted his feet and stopped, forcing Mrs. Ramsey and Olivia to a halt.

  “Sophie?” He twisted around, his eyes filled with worry. Mrs. Ramsey clung to Nicholas’s hand and so did Olivia, preventing him from retreating.

  “I’m not coming with you, Liebchen,” Sophie said, knowing she had to remain both calm and positive. “I have to go to a different home, one that needs an older girl like me.”

  She glanced to where Anna stood talking with a man whose wife and brood of children flocked around him. She surveyed the remaining orphans. As far as Sophie could tell, no other families were vying for another grown girl. What happened if she wasn’t able to find a home here in Mayfield? What if she had to get back on the train and ride to the next town before someone took her in?

  A quiet desperation stole through her. She had to find a place here so she could remain close to Olivia and Nicholas. Letting them leave with this stranger was hard enough, but she couldn’t abide the thought of not being able to see them whenever she wanted.

  “Maybe my new mommy needs an older girl,” Nicholas said, looking up at Mrs. Ramsey.

  Weariness seemed to fall over the woman’s face, as if she’d already waged enough battles for one day and couldn’t bear the thought of fighting another. If Nicholas protested too much, would she change her mind and decide not to take the children after all? Then what would happen?

  Sophie suspected this opportunity for the children to stay together was rare and likely wouldn’t come to them again. She couldn’t let it pass by. “Mrs. Ramsey already has an older daughter to help her and now she also has Olivia. So I need to stay in another home that needs me.”

  “But I want you to stay with me.” Nicholas’s eyes welled up with tears.

  Sophie swallowed hard to keep the painful lump in her throat from rising and bringing tears to her eyes too. “I’ll be close by. I promise.”

  “And we’ll allow her to visit you,” Mrs. Ramsey added in a soothing tone.

  Sophie wanted to blurt out that she was planning to see Nicholas and Olivia as often as she wanted whether the Ramseys allowed it or not, that she didn’t need anyone’s permission to visit her children. But she couldn’t do anything to jeopardize this placement. “I’ll see you as much as you’d like.”

  “You will?” Some of the worry slipped from Nicholas’s face.

  “Of course I will. I’ll learn how to ride a horse and come out to see you.”

  “And teach me to ride a horse too?”

  “Your daddy will do that,” Mrs. Ramsey said.

  Nicholas beamed up at the woman. “And then I’ll ride and see
Sophie?”

  Mrs. Ramsey hesitated. Sophie could sense the woman’s inner struggle, that she wanted Nicholas to like her, but she also wanted to be truthful with him. And somehow Sophie liked her better for it. “Perhaps we’ll ride over together to see her,” she finally said.

  The answer seemed to satisfy Nicholas. When Mrs. Ramsey started forward again, he didn’t resist but walked beside her, chatting about horses. Mrs. Ramsey stopped to speak to Reverend and Mrs. Poole, along with several other distinguished-looking people.

  Sophie guessed they were part of the committee Reverend Poole had talked about, the leaders of the town who had made the arrangements for the placing-out, who also helped to vouch for the families wanting to take in the children.

  The committee members all greeted Mrs. Ramsey politely, which Sophie hoped spoke of their respect for her character. Mrs. Poole asked a few questions and took notes in a ledger, perhaps recording information about the placement for future reference. Within a few minutes, the arrangements were complete, and Mrs. Ramsey led the children to the door.

  Sophie knew she should return to the front of the church and take her place next to Anna, but her feet propelled her to follow Olivia and Nicholas outside.

  Mr. Ramsey was already sitting atop a wagon bench and holding the reins of a fine-looking team of horses. He held himself rigid as he surveyed the other departing families, some with an orphan and others without.

  He didn’t acknowledge his wife when she drew near with Olivia and Nicholas. He made no move to help her lift the children into the back of the wagon and didn’t offer a hand of assistance when she climbed to the seat next to him. Sophie didn’t know why his rudeness should bother her, but it did.

  “It doesn’t matter,” she whispered as another family exited the church and pushed past her in the doorway. “So long as Mrs. Ramsey is kind, the children will be all right.”

  Mr. Ramsey gave a sharp command to the team, and the wagon lurched forward. Olivia and Nicholas nearly fell over with the motion, never having ridden in a wagon before. They righted themselves and grabbed on to the sides. Sophie expected the bumpiness to unnerve the children and was surprised when Nicholas laughed in delight.