I Gave Him My Heart

by Krystal Armstead

  I sighed, leaning back on my fluffy pillows, wishing I hadn’t woken up to hear that shit. “And she didn’t press charges?”

  “Nope, shit, luckily. She’s on her way back to Cali’. What were you thinking, Ma?” Knox wanted to know.

  I just looked at him.

  “She must have hurt you pretty bad. After you fucked her face up, you got drunk as fuck at the bar, started dissing the shit out of anyone who stepped near you, except for me, your girl, Pretty, that Asian dude, Young, and your brutha, Saint. Your sista, Nina, couldn’t get a word in; you cursed her out so bad for ‘wanting all of the attention on her’, ‘never letting you shine’, and ‘your mother loving her more than she did you.’”

  I cringed at the thought of hurting Nina. “What?”

  “I believe you called her an ‘attention seeking hoe’. Yeah, that’s what you said.” Knox watched me rub my forehead anxiously. “Shorty, what was that all about? You were supposed to be celebrating your success, bringing in the New Year with a bang, not a got-damn punch. Not got-damn drama. And most definitely not dissing the people who’ve had your back when no one else did. I don’t have anyone in my life that gives a fuck about me other than my sista, Roxanne. All I have is my art and my sista. Nobody claims a nigga. You’ve got so much love around you, and you don’t even see it. You don’t even appreciate it. You’re so anxious to go out there on your own when being on your own sucks like a muthafucka!” Knox got up from the chair.

  Cleo strutted her way out of my bedroom.

  I looked up at him, watching him walk around my bed, over to my window. He pulled the curtains back more, letting more light into my room. I’d admit, the view from my bedroom window was amazing. I was living in paradise, literally. You could see the ocean from my bedroom. I mean, from my house, you could literally walk to the beach in about fifteen minutes. I loved it. But I just needed to leave to see what life was like without Nina. I depended on her when I needed to depend on me.

  “A nigga wanted to kiss you last night when the clock struck 12, but instead, I was carrying your drunk ass out of the club and into the car. Pretty, Fallon, and Lailah jumped in their ride and led me to your house. I carried you inside. When Lailah tried to help take your shoes off, you sat up and threw up all over shorty!” Knox laughed. “Your girls gave you a bath. That’s how you ended up with you tank top and panties on, bae.”

  I sighed. “What time is it?”

  Knox grinned. “Well, it’s gotta be around 11:00.”

  My eyes widened. I was supposed to be at the shop at 10:00 that morning. I was supposed to be meeting Trench at Nina’s shop, to film a few scenes with my girls there. There was no telling what I was going to hear that morning about busting Priscilla in her head.

  I jumped out of bed. “Oh my goodness! I’m supposed to be meeting Trench this morning! Wait, am I fired?” I said as Knox walked up to me, looking me over. “Am I suspended or some shit?”

  Knox shrugged. “I don’t know.” Knox looked into my face. “All I know is I have a 12:00 appointment wit’cha. I booked this appointment months ago, Kourtney. It’ll probably take a few hours. So, whatever other appointments you have in your calendar, you need to erase that shit and reschedule the muthafuckas.”

  I couldn’t help but grin at the bold muthafucka. “So, you really think you’re gonna tame me, Knox? I just beat the shit out of Priscilla Bailey. This bitch is supposed to be able to end lives and shit. Make sure a nigga becomes non-existent. She can end my career with one phone call, according to Trench. You think I give a fuck? I am who I am, and who I ain’t is a bitch who will fall in love with a guy just because he calls himself making sure I get home safely.”

  “Saint told me not to let you out of my sight. He thought you were gonna follow Priscilla’s ass to the hospital and try to kill her. So, I sat here, watching you sleep all night. I don’t wanna see you behind bars. I saw a look in your eyes that I’m sure was in mine the day I tried to beat my father to death over the way he treated me, my sister, and my mother. I’ve been through some shit, Kourtney. Trust me, there’s a reason why I stay out of the spotlight and to myself. But you, you don’t need to be alone. You need to keep your family close. I don’t know what you’ve been through or what she did to you, but I do know that I’m sorry.” Knox held my forearm, rubbing it with his warm fingers.

  I just looked up at him, not really sure what to think of him. I couldn’t say that he was like anyone I’d ever met, because he wasn’t, young or old. He definitely wasn’t like any of the other twenty-somethings that I knew. I was sure he had a bunch’a hoes chasing after him. He was too fine not to have any hoes. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had a few snot-nosed babies running around that he didn’t claim. I was sure he had some type of ulterior motive for wanting to get to know me. Maybe he was one of Saint’s clients, and Saint needed me to fuck this little nigga, so he’d buy from Saint and no one else. Who knows? All I knew was I hadn’t had sex in thirteen months, and I don’t think I even missed the dick until the day I saw Knox at my front door, dressed in that got-damn European tailor-made suit.

  “I am not even sure what to think of you, Knox.” I admitted. “You flew from fuckin’, where do you live, Baltimore, to come and get a tattoo from a bitch you don’t know shit about other than what you’ve seen on the television and what you heard from some niggas I used to fuck with. I’m a bitch.”

  Knox laughed out loud. “Yeah, that you are. But I don’t think you mean to be. I think you just need a little love; that’s all.”

  I shook my head at him. “No one loves me, Knox.”

  “I can love you, if you only let me and stop being so fuckin’ mean.” Knox’s hand moved down my arm until he reached my palm. He slid his hand into mine, locking fingers.

  I looked down at my hand locked in his. My hand hadn’t been held by a guy who actually crushed on me for a long time. I’d forgotten how good it felt for someone to actually like me. I knew Knox liked me. Shit, ain’t nobody leaving the country just to fuck someone. Or maybe he did. Maybe he had to prove to himself that he could actually get me. I was sure nobody had ever told him no before; I was pretty sure that word was new to him. Who the fuck would tell Timothy Knoxberry, no, nigga you can’t have this pussy? Me, that’s who. My dumb ass. But I would rather be a dumb ass than be in love with a nigga who was only out for himself. I’d had enough of niggas. And Knox was no different… even though he was different. That nigga was seriously fuckin’ with my mind.

  I looked back up into that handsome face. “Why don’t we just start with this tattoo, okay, hun?” I unlocked my fingers from his. “You’re much too young to know anything about love or what it takes to love someone like me. Could you even love someone like me? If I gave you my heart, I’m sure you wouldn’t even know what to do with it. You’re only twenty-six. What the fuck could you do to undo everything that’s been done to me, Knox?” I walked past him.

  “A’ight, chill, hold up, change of plans.” Knox caught my arm.

  I looked up at him as he pulled me closer to him before letting go of my arm.

  Knox sighed, looking down into my face. “Let’s squash the tattoo appointment. I’m pretty sure that after you talk with your people today, you won’t much feel like fuckin’ with that tattoo gun. Remember that velvet box that I gave to you last night?”

  I nodded. “Yeah. What about it?”

  “Well, make sure you take it with you to the shop. I sat it on your dining room table. When you get stressed to the point that you just need to get away from everyone before you pop off on their ass, open that box. Don’t ask questions.” Knox knew I was about to ask him what the fuck was in the box. “Just open it when you’re ready to come see a nigga, a’ight?”

  I sighed, looking up into his face. “Thanks for making sure I got home safe, Knox.” I took a deep breath, watching him smile. I rolled my eyes. “I’m thanking you for being a gentleman, so please don’t ruin it by throwing some playa line at me, Knox.”

&nb
sp; Knox grinned. “You’re beautiful when you sleep.”

  I rolled my eyes, trying not to smile. “Nigga, didn’t I just tell you—”

  “I’m gonna make you love me, Kourtney,” Knox insisted. “You’ll eventually get tired of fighting.”

  “I don’t get tired, Knox.” I rolled my eyes.

  Knox laughed out loud before turning around to walk out of my room. “A’ight, Kevin Gates, we’ll see how long you can fight a nigga before you give it. I guarantee you before I head back stateside, you’ll be tappin’ out.”

  ***

  “You were on one last night, I swear, friend.” Pretty shook her head at me that day in Nina’s shop. “Saint and Ricque were actually mingling, getting along, no beef, no drama. And I look across the room and saw you beating the shit out of Priscilla! Do you know how many of us it took to pull you off of that girl!”

  I sighed, sipping from my cup of cappuccino.

  “Did you and that nigga, Knox, play Steven and Christie last night? Maybe Twister? Maybe some video games!” Keisha laughed out loud.

  I rolled my eyes. “Man, whatever. Y’all muthafuckas are the ones who set me up, had the nigga show up to my crib when Saint was supposed to pick me up. Which one of you hoes told him where I live anyway?” I looked at Pretty.

  Pretty laughed out loud. “Yo, it wasn’t me! Saint’s the one who had him pick you up. Knox wanted to take you to the event. He’s a cool dude. You need to stop dissing him and ride that muthafuckin’ pony girl before someone else does.”

  “Whatever.” I glanced at Nina, who was looking pissed than a muthafucka at me.

  “So, did Trench show up here this morning?”

  Fallon nodded. “Yeah, boo, he showed up early, around 8:30. They did a few scenes with the girls, found out about what each person does in the shop. He didn’t even wanna shoot anything having to do with Nina’s shop today because he really wanted to film you with Knox, but you really didn’t give him any choice. After what happened with Priscilla, who knows if you’re still gonna be on this show. She didn’t press charges for whatever reason, but that doesn’t mean Reelz TV isn’t going to have charges pressed against you. Not to mention, boss lady, you’re fuckin’ with your career. Who’s to say she’s gonna wanna work with you after you rearranged her face? Who’s to say anyone will work with you after this shit?”

  I scoffed. “Oh got-damn well. If they’re gonna arrest me, then they might as well come get me. If I’m fired, Trench might as well just say so.”

  “Typical Kourtney.” Nina muttered under her breath.

  I looked at her. “What?” I needed clarification. “The fuck is that supposed to mean?”

  “You cause problems and then just leave the shit like it is without trying to fix the issue. You beat the shit out of your own cousin, the cousin who was trying to launch your career. The same career you told everyone you wanted to do without my help. What the fuck could she have possibly said to you for you to go off the way you did?” Nina stood behind her front counter, arms resting on the countertop.

  I looked at her and then at everyone in the shop, who was staring back at me, customers and all. I looked back at Nina. “Some shit she had no business saying, Nina.”

  “This is exactly what I was talking to you about a few months ago when you told me that you wanted to go out on your own. I told you that you were reckless and irresponsible! And this proves it! You’re a grown-ass fuckin’ woman, in her thirties, fighting her own cousin, who doesn’t really have to help you do shit! It ain’t like we really kept in touch with anyone in our family, Kourtney! For whatever reason, she wants to help you. She’s giving you an opportunity to launch your career, Saint is giving you the opportunity to launch your career, I gave you the family that you never even had, and you’re about to throw everything away that everyone is doing for you because you don’t like what a bitch said to you! Come on, Kourtney, grow the fuck up!”

  Nina was really starting to get on my last got-damn nerves, trying to run my life and treat me like I was her child instead of her equal. I’d helped her just as much as she helped me. Shit, she wouldn’t have ever gotten reunited with Ricque if I hadn’t of hooked her up with Saint. Saint was the whole reason why she even ended up back with the nigga. Nina was feeling some type of way that Saint was even helping me, feeling some type of way that he was such an intricate part of my life. She couldn’t tell me that she wasn’t in her feelings about our relationship because she was.

  “Okay, Nina.” I laughed to keep from embarrassing her in front of everyone like she was trying to embarrass me. “You wanna know what the bitch said? She said that she ran the damn show, that she was my boss, and that there was nothing I could do about the shit.”

  The girls laughed a little.

  I looked at all of them before looking back at Nina. “The bitch said that as long as I worked for her, I was gonna have to do what the fuck she said. Her show, her got damn rules.”

  Nina laughed at me. “Okay, Kourtney, so what’s the big deal?”

  “The bitch said that she was going to make sure that I worked right underneath her. That she missed me. That it’s been a long time.” I was so mad that I was shaking.

  The laughter subsided.

  Nina looked at me, her eyes searching my face. “What is that supposed to mean?”

  I shook my head. “Nothing.”

  Nina wasn’t trying to hear that. “Kourtney, you smashed Priscilla’s face in for a reason! You can’t tell me she didn’t mean nothing by that!”

  “She used to molest me. Okay?” I blurted out. “There, I said it! Happy now?”

  Nina shook her head at me, her eyes coating in tears.

  “She what?” “What the fuck?” “Are you serious” Just about every version of “oh, no this bitch didn’t” you can think of scattered throughout the room.

  “She raped me from the time I was five up until she moved when I was ten. She made me have sex with her and her boyfriend. They stuck things in me and made me do things to them! I was just a kid! She was fuckin’ eighteen when it started!” I wasn’t going to cry about it. I’d cried for years about the shit. I was done hurting. I was fuckin’ angry.

  “If I wouldn’t have been drunk last night, I would have put her ass on blast in that camera, in front of her Reelz TV crew. Let them know she was a child molester and a fuckin’ rapist! For years, I was confused about my sexuality, and it was because of her!” I said out loud to Nina for the first time.

  Nina was in shock. “Kourtney, you never told me this.”

  “It wasn’t your problem!” I exclaimed. “It was mine, and I’m still dealing with it! And when I saw her again, after not seeing her for twenty-three years, I blanked. I tried to hold it in, but when she threw it back in my face, I saw red. The bitch hurt me and still thinks it’s funny. After she raped me, I was raped again a few years later by another cousin’s boyfriend. You remember Bobbi Reynolds, the muthafucka everyone thought I fucked? No, he fucked me, and my cousin beat the shit out of me! Geneva and her friends whupped my ass and dumped me at the hospital! And the first thing Mama said to me after the doctor told her the result of my rape-kit—not knowing who beat me up or who possibly raped me—was that if I was out there fuckin’ with someone’s man, I deserved what I got! And then, after I got raped at that age, Uncle Tim, Aunt Toni’s husband, raped me again! I was trying to be there for your ass, and I ended up hurting myself!”

  Nina wasn’t sure what to say. Nobody was sure what to say. But I was sure they all understood my state of mind a lot better that afternoon. They understood why I was so cold and heartless at times. Why I got out of people what I could before I bounced on their ass. Why I never let anyone but Nina get to know me personally. Why I had a hard time giving my heart to anyone.

  “She said that I was going to ‘work right under her’, ‘like the good ol’ days’ like the shit was a joke!” I laughed to keep from crying. “I tried to knock that bitch’s brains loose!”

  “S
hit, I would have, too.” Chelsea scoffed. “Funky bitch. Let’s whoop the shit out of her, what’s left of her after what Kourtney already did to her.”

  I shook my head. “I was willing to let it all go and move the fuck on, maybe even hoping for an apology, but no, I got the ‘I’ll fuck you now if I want to, bitch’ conversation from her. I’m done. If Trench wants to work with me, he’s going to have to do this on his own, without Reelz TV. Or I’m gonna expose the bitch. She knows people? Well, I know people, too, got-damn it.”

  “Kourtney, boo, I’m sorry.” Nina hesitated.

  I shook my head at her. “No, you were trying to throw shade at me for having a chance to make a life for myself. I love you, but you never fully understood me. You never knew the reason behind my behavior.”

  “That’s because it didn’t matter to me! You’re my best friend, Kourtney; I never judged you! I just got tired of you living so recklessly! I’ve always been your babysitter! You could have told me about what happened to you so that you could get some help! We all needed help after the shit our parents took us through! We weren’t protected at all! Anything could have happened to us! Shit, look what happened to you!” Nina put her arm around me.

  And I pushed her arm off. “I don’t need your sympathy!” I lashed out. “I need for you to believe in me the same exact way that I’ve always believed in you! No shade! No guilt trip! No judgment! And no slick-hating because I’m close to the man that you decided to leave behind!”

  Nina looked at me, hurt.

  “Okay, ladies, we really need to cool out. This isn’t the time to fall apart.” Yandi shook her head at me.

  I was furious. “No, Yandi, she’s always throwing shade at me! Always trying to be fuckin’ funny! It’s always all about her! Never about me! You think you’re the only one who deserves happiness? Really? You bust up in the opening of my got-damn bar last night and took over the show! You were supposed to show up to the event with me, not make a got-damn entrance! When you needed me, I was right there! When I need you, I’m always waiting; I’m always on hold! I’m not your lap dog; I’m done being your bitch!”