She Wore Black

by J L Park

  My turn to glance down at the bed, not sure what to say. I was aware I shouted from time to time, Ti and Paige had both told me that, but I wasn’t aware I screamed. Mother leaned over, nudging my head up with her finger on my chin.

  “What happened?” She looked at Jameson, made him glance at her, “And why were you holding her down? You first, Jameson.”

  “I came up stairs ‘cause she was shouting at someone. But she was asleep. So I figured it was a nightmare and shook her arm to wake her up. But she came up swinging both her fists. So, I grabbed her hands to stop her, holding them down, so she’d wake up.” His voice caught, as he looked up at me, “You did, but only briefly. The expression on your face. Jesus, Reed, I’m sorry.”

  I patted his hand, still not able to keep eye contact for long. Mother’s eyes flicked between the two of us.

  “Okay, Reed. Your turn.”

  I nodded, trying to figure out how to explain what had happened without giving away Mother’s secret if Jameson didn’t know. “Um. I came up for a nap. Today was a bloody long day for several reasons. I remember dreaming about where I was after Selection Day.” Mother looked concerned, glancing at my brother, “Mum, Jameson knows. Not all, but he knows. I know, from the others at Ferox, that I shout in my sleep from time to time. Guess that’s what Jameson heard to start with.” I paused, swallowing, “I remember waking up to someone touching my arm and swinging my fist, only for it to be held down. The last thing I remember is the look on Jameson’s face. Then nothing. But I gather I screamed.”

  Mother frowned, “You have many flashbacks, Reed?”

  I shook my head, “Not usually. I’m lucky, from what I gather, at least… in the early days.”

  She nodded, reaching up to touch the scar on my jaw. “Yeah, but this? Him?” I nodded, as she shuddered, “It looks painful.”

  I shook my head. “Nah, that was an accident from what I remember, he swung the wire and I turned around.”

  They both frowned now, as I shook my head at myself, and turned around to face my wall, pulling the bottom of my shirt.

  “Reed?”

  “Pull it up, Jameson. I… ah… can’t make myself do it today.”

  He reached out and gently lifted my shirt, to gasps from them both. “Okay. Enough.”

  I turned around, pulling my shirt back down, to see pale faces staring back at me, Mother’s hand over her mouth, “I think I know what happened today, though.”

  “What?” Jameson choked out, “More of that?”

  I shook my head. “I went off of the approved route on my way back from the Fence. You can’t tell anyone about this though, either of you, okay?” They nodded. “I realised that the forests and whatnot seem to be the same in each section. I remembered what the forest looked like in Arator the night someone picked me up, bleeding in the dark. I thought what if there is a shed in there, what if there is someone else? So, I took a look.”

  “Did you find anything?” Jameson asked, almost in a whisper.

  “Yes. A shed, just like the one he kept me in.” I swallowed, “And it was in use.”

  “Jesus,” Jameson muttered, mostly to himself.

  “Thankfully, no one was around, and I picked the locks.” I grinned at Mother, who judging by the wide eyed, disapproving look on her face was shocked her daughter knew such things, “Got her out. Realised as I hugged her, it was him again judging by the state of her back. Got help from some trustworthy Ferox, and an old friend. She’s safe now.”

  Mother nodded, “Ah. I see.” She reached forward to hug me, stiffening as she got closer, too committed to the act to pull out now but wanting to give me time. I grabbed her and hugged her back. Jameson just looked at me, guilt written all over his face.

  “Dude! What's the problem?” I smiled, trying to ease the tension.

  “I… I’m… just sorry. Reed.”

  I patted his hand again as I lifted his head with my other hand. “You don’t have to apologise. You didn’t know, and when you realised, I saw it all over your face. It was an accident. Forgive yourself, dude. And give us a hug.” He smiled, hesitant, and hugged me. “Now, I stink. Can I have a shower before dinner?”

  “Sure. When you’re ready, your father wants to see you both.”

  I stood under the shower for as long as I could. What I hadn’t told them was just how dirty I felt today. How finding Jessica out there, seeing the inside the shed, seeing what her back looked like with its crisscrossed wounds, its similarities to mine, had stirred up the disgust I felt in myself. What I wanted was someone who understood without me having to say anything, someone who just got it, and never pushed too far. I dried myself off, dressed in casual clothes and walked down to see what Father wished. Except, he was asleep when I arrived.

  “Much the same as yesterday, I guess I saved you the hassle of listening to him ignore you again,” Jameson murmured as we left.

  “Reed, there’s a call for you on the radio,” Mother called.

  “Female?” I grinned at Jameson and ran for the radio. As it was a public line meant if it was Paige I’d have to behave myself.

  “Reed.”

  “Reed, it’s Paige.” My mother smiled, with just a hint of awkwardness, as I glanced at her, “How’s things?”

  “Paige! It’s good to hear from you. Things are okay. What's up?”

  “Not a lot. Maddox thinks I should be good to work again next week, but…”

  “That's great news! But what?”

  “He thought you might need me instead.” I smiled. “So do you?”

  I looked at Mother, who shrugged. “It’s okay with me if you want her to come.” She said softly, “Your father could be a different story.”

  “If you want to come, Paige, I’d love to have you here but, it’s Pius.”

  “And?”

  “Your parents?”

  She chuckled, “That will be, ah, fine.”

  I could hear she wanted to say something not appropriate over public radio channels, and grinned, “I’ll see you later.”

  She signed off, the click reverberating as I hadn’t quite turned our end off. I stood, looking at the radio, knowing I had a huge grin on my face and didn’t want to turn around to my mother just yet. When I was sure it was just a small smile curling the edge of my lips, I turned around. Mother had left the room, and Jameson was smiling at me.

  “So I get to meet her?”

  I nodded, not entirely sure what to make of the fact that my mother had left, perhaps it was to give me privacy but to have Jameson still in the room wasn’t exactly private. Jameson knew me well enough to see it written all over my face, “Mum will be fine. Dad, maybe not, but Mum will be okay, trust me.”

  I sighed, allowing myself to grin at him.

  A few hours later, a transport pulled up outside the house. I held my breath, waiting for the steps up the path, the knock on the door. As I stood, Mother motioned that she would answer the door. I was too excited to wait in the dining room, so I followed her. It could have been the local pastor or the hospice nurse for all I knew, but I wanted to be there when Paige arrived. I felt like a school girl with her first crush, it was ridiculous. Mother opened the door to a very nervous looking Paige.

  “Ma’am.”

  I watched as Paige pulled herself up into a straighter posture, trying to make a good impression. She was wearing a pristine Ferox uniform, a new jacket as hers had been ruined in the day of Chaos. Her long blond hair pulled back into a tight ponytail as though she as trying to pass inspection in the dormitory, into what appeared to be a French braid, her hands clasped behind her back as though she was standing to attention, no stick to be seen.

  “You must be Paige,” Mother replied, somewhat curt.

  “Yes, Ma’am.”

  “I believe you are…” Mother swallowed, “dating my daughter?”

  Paige allowed the shock to cross her face for a nanosecond before reining her emotions back in. She was out of practice, having been away from official duty f
or weeks. “Ah… Yes, Ma’am.” She recovered well.

  “Will you treat her well?” Mother asked, still not allowing Paige to come inside, “Will you look after her? Make her happy?”

  Paige remained solemn though I could see a small smile curl her the edge of her lip. “Yes Ma’am, though I have some catching up to do, with the looking after her part.” I watched Mother’s head tilt in confusion, “Reed has looked after me for the last few weeks, when I couldn’t look after myself, after an injury. I hope I make her happy, and I promise to treat her well.”

  I watched as a brief flash of guilt shone in her eyes, knowing what she was thinking of, and would have to tell her later she didn't need to think that way.

  “Then, you may come in.” I could hear the smile in Mother’s voice, even if I couldn’t see her face, “But I have to warn you, her brother will want to question you as well… oh… and there is an excited young lady standing behind me, isn’t there?” As she turned and moved out of the way of the door, I couldn’t help myself and laughed.

  “Thank you, Ma’am.” Paige stepped through the door, with a grin when she caught my eye, her limp visible as she did so.

  “Paige, you can just call me Kahu. Ma’am is awfully formal.”

  She smiled, as she shut the door behind her. I managed to contain my excitement, and walked towards Paige, giving her a hug, whispering in her ear, “So good to see you.”

  Jameson had to have his turn at interrogating Paige before they were both happy. Mother setting another place at the table for dinner as she hummed. It was a pleasant change, something Father would have frowned upon could he have heard it from the front room.

  “Reed, I know you’re busy, but do you think you could give your Father his pain pills?” she asked as she set about dishing up. I grabbed the pills and walked into the front room. It was eerily quiet, only the occasional rattling breath from Father. I stood next to his bed, watching him. His breathing was slow, and laboured, rattling. Several times in the few minutes I stood next to him, I wasn’t sure he would take another. I shook myself out of the fog I was in, running back to the door way.

  “Mum. I think something's happening.”

  She looked up, shocked, dropping the ladle she was using back into the pot, and rushing into the front room, followed closely by Jameson. I moved out of the way, and stood back, not sure I wanted to see what else was happening. Paige came to stand next to me inside the doorway, as I watched my mother stroking Father’s forehead, murmuring. I could just make out what she was saying.

  “Jeff, if it’s time, it’s okay. I love you, the kids love you. You deserve peace.” She paused, “They will look after me, and I’ll make sure they’re looked after. If you need to go, you are free to go, my love.”

  Jameson had hold of the hand that Mother wasn’t clasping, a stricken look on his face, he wasn’t ready for this to happen. I glanced at Paige, I wasn’t sure how I felt about it all. Whether I should be there, or whether to stay where I was. Paige gently nudged me toward the bed, hanging back to give us space

  “Go, love. You’ll regret it if you don’t. It doesn’t matter how he felt about you, or you about him. It’s better to have no regrets,” she murmured as she nudged me towards my family. I stood, awkward, at the side of the bed with Jameson, hand on the blanket. Minutes passed. Father’s breathing getting rattlier, and the pauses becoming longer. A cough startled all of us, as he took one or two more breaths, then nothing. His body relaxing, without the strain of the pain he’d been in on his face any longer, he looked much younger. Mother stood, stroking his face, whispering to him. Jameson stepped back, wanting to give her time with him. He patted his hand, murmuring his goodbyes as he walked away, a tear making its way down his cheek. I watched my mother for a while, then patted my father’s hand, murmuring my own goodbyes. Paige stood just inside the doorway, waiting. I walked back to her and took her hand.

  “You okay?” she whispered.

  “Yeah.” I looked at her, as we left Mother to her own private grief, “Not sure how I feel but yeah, I’m okay.”

  Mother spent a while with Father until she remembered she needed to call the Hospice and report his death.

  “Mum, I can do it, let me,” Jameson said, dialling the code into the radio as she nodded, and wandered, lost, back into the front room. Jameson spoke with the Hospice who advised they would send someone and inform those who needed informing under the law. I took a bowl of soup in for mother, placing in next to her, even though she hardly noticed. Paige and I sat at the table, sipping at our soup, silent.

  I looked up at one point, “You know, I got as close as I have ever had to him telling me he was proud of me, yesterday.”

  She smiled. “Just that he was glad I hadn’t listened to those who had told me I couldn’t, including him.”

  “You glad you came?”

  I nodded, “Yeah, I think so, or I would still just be angry with him for… being Pius.”

  Paige grinned, “Oh, I know that feeling.”

  The next few days passed in a blur, people coming and going, paying their respects to my father, who had had an important standing in the Pius community. A few people recognised Paige, the confusion seeing her alive after her parents reporting her dead clear in their face, but they were polite. Until her parents turned up to pay their respects. I hadn’t known the Raeburns growing up, but I knew my parents had. Mother greeted them at the door, calling out for me as she invited them in, being oddly specific that only I came.

  “Reed, this is Mr. and Mrs. Raeburn,” I glanced at her, managing to keep the shock off my face, “I wanted to introduce you to them. Their daughter was once in Ferox too.”

  “Nice to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Raeburn, would you like to come in?” Mother ushered them in, as I directed them to the kitchen for a drink, and the front room, where Father lay in state, which was the usual for a natural Pius death. As they moved away, I glanced at Mother who flicked her head in the direction of the hallway, knowing Paige had no idea her parents were here. I struggled to walk normally to the hallway before racing up the stairs, arriving breathless to find Paige in my room, sitting on the bed, reading a book, looking up at me as I ran in the door, and shut it.

  “Dude….” I huffed and puffed, before continuing, “Your parents are here.”

  She smiled, “I know. I overheard your mother introduce you to them and thought I’d better get my arse out of there in as much of a hurry as I can manage.”

  I flopped down on the bed, too puffed to giggle more than once. “Bloody hell.”

  “Yeah, I didn’t want to cause a fuss whilst there were people paying your father respects. Not my place.”

  “I think those others that recognised you earlier might have told them though?”

  She shrugged, “Probably. Nothing I can do about that. I didn’t ask them to disown me in such a way, they could have just cut all ties, rather than pronounce I was dead.” She sighed, “All it does now is make them look foolish, and I look like I went along with their lies.”

  “We’ll just stay here until they leave, I suppose.” I picked up another book.

  A knock on the door sometime later startled me, making me drop the book. I stood and opened the door a crack to find the Raeburn’s standing outside.

  “Hi Mr. and Mrs. Raeburn.” Paige cut off a gasp with her hand. “How can I help you?”

  Paige’s mother looked sheepish. “Ah, Reed, we know that our daughter is staying with you, and your mother advised she would be upstairs with you.” Her father was standing stoic, not agreeing with his wife but supporting her all the same, “If she was okay with it, I’d like to see her.”

  I gaped at them both, looking like a fish out of water, not sure what to say, when Paige stood up and walked behind me, pushing the door open.

  “It’s okay with me, Reed.”

  I nodded, and moved out of the way.

  “Mother, Father. How are you?” She addressed her parents politely, but with little emotion.
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  “We are fine, Paige,” her mother answered, her voice and hands shaking, “Can we come in?”

  “Depends on what you have to say,” she answered, “I will not have you disrespect the Taylor’s home if you are just going to have another go at me.”

  Her father looked sheepish now, her mother resolute.

  “No, we aren’t here for that.”

  Paige moved out of their way, letting them in my room. I supposed that if they chose to have a go at her, at least the sounds would be confined here, and not spread to the rest of the house. Paige walked to the bed, trying to hide her slight limp as much as she could. I sat next to her on the floor and left her parents to find their own seats.

  “Okay. You’re here now, what exactly do you have to say to the daughter you told everyone was dead?” Paige’s anger radiated from her, her arms trembling, her face set in an expression I would have cowered under had I been the object of its fury.

  Her mother had the decency to look ashamed, her father not so much.

  “Paige, you know we did what we had to do. Ferox is a dangerous section to work for, so… it wasn’t a far leap for many people to assume you had been injured at work. Rather than just not coming home to visit.”

  “Telling people I was dead was just something you had to do? Really?”

  “You know the law, love. You know we had no choice.”

  “The Law? Which one, Mother? The one where you had a daughter who was Taken and survived to tell the tale or the one where you had a daughter who was gay? Which law said I needed to die, or at least look like I had, and that that decision was that of my parents, not the Grand Leader? Go on, and remember, I learnt the law as a child, and again as a leader in Ferox, so… try to find it,"

  I sat, silent, watching the colour of her father’s face changing from a miffed pink, to an angry red.

  “Paige Amanda Raeburn, you will not disrespect your mother,” he stated, the colour fading,